View Full Version : Things you learnt from the movies

Justin Cyder-Belvoir
1st Sep 2008, 00:10
1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: “Enter Password Now.”

21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

1st Sep 2008, 00:35
27) Policemen who retired two years ago always swallow their guns.

28) Widowers children are always cute.

29) Hitting redial on the dead person's mobile always connects you, somehow, to the killer.

30) Cars never start on the first turn of the key.

31) After the second attempt at starting the car, hitting the steering wheel and shouting 'Come on!' is mandatory.

32) Bank tellers are always young and pretty and smile a lot just before they are shot dead.

33) One of the robbers will always say, 'You said no-one would get hurt.'

34) Escape cars always make a snarling loud noise when fleeing the police cars, which always skid in every corner.

35) No-one was ever cooler than Steve McQueen in The Great Escape.

36) Large, loft style apartments will always have vertically opening lift doors and a potter's wheel.

37) World renowned experts on any subject are always languishing in prison.

1st Sep 2008, 01:15
18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.Hollywood can take the piss on itself. Anyone else remember a Barbara Streisand/Ryan O'Neill movie (sorry, forgot the title) from a long time ago where's there's a crazy, long-lasting scene with him on a bicycle on the streets of San franscisco and two blokes are carrying a large pane of glass in the background?

You know the glass simply has to get broken, but the director leaves you hanging, the glass narrowly surviving four of five close encounters, until the inevitable - smash! - but in a way no one was expecting. Very funny scene.

1st Sep 2008, 01:17
38) There will always be a convenient empty space for you to park in.

39) If someone fancies you they will always turn round to look at you as they walk away.

40) The sidekick always gets it.

41) The person who has more lines at the beginning of a film than they should have is the one who did it.

42) On first meeting any bereaved always say 'I'm Sorry'.

42a) Always use the search function (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/11248-things-movies-teach-us.html).;)

1st Sep 2008, 01:20
43)Murderous bathroom attacks never find the victim on the toilet.

44)Unless a state of panic exists, telephones both cellular and landline types,
connect immediately and are answered equally fast.

45)Aircraft engines always increase RPMs in a dive.

46)Restaurants serve coffee at the perfect drinking temperature and
never fill the cup more than three-quarters full.

47)Helicopters nearly always explode.

48)George Kennedy can do no wrong.

49)There is no delay between lightning and thunder.

50) When the driver converses with passengers,
it is not necessary for he or she to look at the road ahead very much.

51)The fellow with the bad haircut and/or lazy eye will
be trouble later on.

52)The newer the movie, the less good sense required of the story line.

53)A an ordinary car can be made to do incredible things
with the right driver behind the wheel.

54)In any conflict, the British/Americans/Aussies/Kiwis and even the Canadians, will always be on the winning side of things.

1st Sep 2008, 01:33

You are a gentleman and a scholar Et. The link posted had some nice ones too. :ok:

1st Sep 2008, 01:38
55. There are always three vacant parking spots immedately in front of any office the hero wants to enter.

56. Every group of six or more senior police officers is led by four young women, two or more young black men, and the dogsbody is a disgruntled white guy of 55. No one can understand why he is disgruntled, save perhaps that he is Polish.

57. No police person in Miami speaks loudly enough to be heard from beyond a bus ticket.

1st Sep 2008, 01:52

The movie was What's Up Doc?

Here's more about it....

What's Up, Doc? (1972) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069495/)

And here's the chase scene..... Glass part starts about 1:45 into it.

YouTube - What's up doc chase scene (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fw3391SiKRk)

Only thing she ever did that I liked.

1st Sep 2008, 03:26
The kidnapper always hangs up just before the call is traced. (How come the movie makers have never got a grip on last number recall or caller ID?)

1st Sep 2008, 04:20
If your trying to use a bus to transport a vital court witness to a trial of a corrupt police force, the crooked cops will fire hundreds of bullets into the body of the bus, but none think of simply shooting the tires.

In space everyone can here you scream, and explode.

LA is a drivers paradise where anyone can get anywhere at anytime with no congestion.

In London every red bus route goes across both Westminster and Tower bridges, and the only train station is Waterloo.

All hookers have hearts of gold.

1st Sep 2008, 05:24
Never finish the drink they ordered
Fifteen bucks for a cocktail and dont touch it? :*

1st Sep 2008, 07:52
Every aeroplane diving sounds like a Stuka on a bombing run, be it prop, jet or turboprop

tony draper
1st Sep 2008, 07:56
Mexican Bandits always carry bandilleros of ammunition over their shoulders that do not fit any of the weaponry they are toting,they are invariably ragged filthy and unshaven but have all recently had twenty thousand dollars worth of teeth make over.
Cowboys carry a invisible large diameter frying pans and huge coffee pots about their person that only become visible when they camp out in the desert.

1st Sep 2008, 08:27
Despite decades of research and safety improvements, American vehicles always explode with the force of a two megaton warhead at the slightest hint of an impact, during car chases.

tony draper
1st Sep 2008, 08:42
In the fusillade of gunshots from the circled wagon train nobody ever manages to hit a horse although they can invariable shoot the charging Indians out of their saddles.

1st Sep 2008, 08:58
Nobody who is killed spontaneously loses control of either their bowels or their bladder.

1st Sep 2008, 09:10
Women always emerge from the sea/swimming pool/river/lake/large tank of deadly piranhas with immaculate make up, including a perfect application of lip gloss and not a run of mascara to be seen, and hair perfectly combed - sorry, slicked back. :hmm:

1st Sep 2008, 09:12
In space, everyone can hear you scream, your engines, the air supply hissing etc. Oh and planets make a low rumbling sound as they orbit.

1st Sep 2008, 09:19
Gravel makes car tyres squeal, as can dirt.

Six shooters are not. Unless the hero needs to be brought under more stress.

1st Sep 2008, 09:42
In crashes on motorways / highways.

At least one car will turn over whilst travelling in a dead straight line.

No motorcycles will be on the road

One truck will jacknife - easy to predict as it will be a tanker carrying a highly flamible liquid.

Another car will not roll over but hit the tanker broadside causing a huge explosion

If you are driving a milk tanker you will be quite safe as this will not crash

None of the above will harm either the heroes or villains but will be a backdrop to the action despite an obvious huge loss of life to innocent drivers

Saab Dastard
1st Sep 2008, 10:32
56) From first smouldering glance to post-coital cigarette rarely takes more than 230 seconds!


Flying Binghi
1st Sep 2008, 11:08
Six shooters are not. Unless the hero needs to be brought under more stress.


Italian made guns have more bullets then American made guns

tony draper
1st Sep 2008, 11:28
Unless you were a fool you loaded your SA Colt wi Five rounds, the chamber under the hammer was left empty,this prevented the round shooting off of one's right testical on its way to one's big toe if one bumped one's holster agin the hitching rail, this precaution became unnecessary with the invention of the Colt Rebound hammer first featured in the Colt'sNew Service Double Action Revolver.

1st Sep 2008, 11:40
All helos sound like Bell 47s.

All WWII fighters sound like Harvards.

All jets sound like Harriers doing accel checks.

Yer Cheerful Cockney Geezer in war films always gets topped.

Golden Retreivers always survive alien invasions, nuke attacks, volcanos erupting, earthquakes, train smashes and shipping disasters.

All submarines are fitted with arcing switchboards and roll violently from side to side.

1st Sep 2008, 11:41
65 year old men can run around like teenagers - all day.

tony draper
1st Sep 2008, 11:45
Well some of us can but choose not to,:rolleyes:

1st Sep 2008, 11:45
x) All anti-air missiles are only slightly faster than the aircraft they are fired and all are autonomously homing, thus enabling a very good pilot to break lock by sharp turns, flying theorugh a hanger etc

x+1) sailing boats can make progress even when all sails are flapping

x+2) All computer systems can be hacked into, especially if the hacker is put under pressure

x+3) All cars have unlimited fuel tanks

x+4) If glass is smashed by gunfire, people being thrown threw it, explositions etc, no-one is ever hit by shards or splinters

x+5) grenades have just enough explosive to throw a man into a somersault but no shrapnel

x+6) sporting competitions are always won in the last 2 minutes or less

1st Sep 2008, 11:59
nobody ever locks a car in the movies.

tony draper
1st Sep 2008, 12:02
At sea Watchmen never spot enemy ships as in "Vessel off the Starboard Bow Captain" until they are about 200 yards from said right hand pointy bit,get yer hoyed off the bridge that kind of sloppiness would.
Oh yes when one is lost in the desert dying of thirst one must drain the last drop from one's canteen then throw said item away in disgust,one can always fill one's pockets up wi water for the rest of the journey if one happens to find a well over the next dune.
Likewise the afore mentioned Colt when you run out of bullets always throw the empty weapon in the direction of one's assailant.

1st Sep 2008, 12:12
If the hero gets shot, in will be in the arm and it won't hurt.

Heroes always know where the car keys are, even in somebody elses house.

You have to chamber a round into a shotgun three times to make it work.

Same for automatic pistols.

All sentries and guards are deaf.

All sentries and guards watching cctv monitors are blind.

1st Sep 2008, 12:35
Not so much nowadays but in the 60s and 70s, the explosive expert, mining expert, well all experts were called Kolwalski.

1st Sep 2008, 12:39
In the US Army the command "Let's Go!" covers any and all tactical situations.

Devlin Carnet
1st Sep 2008, 12:46
If someone emerges from a body of water fully clothed, their Clothes will be bone dry 5 mins later.

Saab Dastard
1st Sep 2008, 13:22
In the US Army the command "Let's Go!" covers any and all tactical situations.

In the French & Italian Armies the command "Let's Run Away!" covers any and all tactical situations.

oooooohhhhhhh :}

1st Sep 2008, 13:27
" Look out! " is never timely advice.

1st Sep 2008, 13:58
Bullets fired at your head and torso hit the ground near your feet.

All snipers lean out of the windowsill to fire. Then fall out of the window if hit.

1st Sep 2008, 14:04
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill them with my bare hands, ending up with a finale of having to break free from some sort of enemy capturing scenario.

To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room, OR, the skimpiest 'lack of clothing' the production's wardrobe team could think of.

There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

If I have a prolonged fistfight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends and end up sitting slumped, laughing with each other.

When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

The humans in the end will always overpower the aliens though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a large dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

All single women have a cat.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

Whenever a natural or man-made disaster is about to occur, the hero escapes (alive) nano second before its too late and is catapulted into the air by the force- but is never harmed

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.

All Americans have phones, which can reach throughout the house-even if it has a cord. If it’s cordless- you can pick up perfect reception all around the house...unless there is an insane killer about

Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

Building ventilation ducts are always clean.

Film stars are always super-human- they never need to use the bathroom

Any computer, anywhere, even in the jungle, can hack into the most secure government system.

No matter how many times you punch someone they will always come back for more - and their wounds have healed dramatically the next day

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All handcuffs can easily be opened with nothing more than a paper clip.

Grocery shopping bags are made out of brown paper and there is always enough shopping to fill two bags exactly.

If you need to open a locked door make sure you have a credit card handy that will do. Unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

If an imminent natural disaster or killer beast threatens your town, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

Even if you've been set up for murder, been framed and you have the whole world wide police force hunting you down, you will automatically live happily ever after as long as you break away from the police and kill the bad guy.

If you desire to send any car into flame for any given reason, just shoot it three times, even though in real life you could stand right in front of a vehicle and shoot the gun into the gas tank, it wouldn’t ignite the fuel, only 1 or 2 bullets in the world can cause a spark, and it seems every police man in movies who blow up vehicles have those bullets!

Any woman who has just witnessed her father, (brother, husband, family member etc) killed right there in front of her, will never be traumatised, mourn, or be effected in anyway to resist making love to the hero who saved her!

Why when the hero of the movie gets the girl at the end, it seems like they will live happily ever after, yet doesn’t even mention her name or remember her in sequels!

You never need to look up the phone number for the pizza delivery service and the delivery guy is always psychic - you never need to tell him where you live or what you want on your pizza.

After witnessing a horrible crime being committed- don't call the cops, instead conduct your own Private Eye investigation.

If a lifetime of watching movies has taught me anything at all, it's to MAKE SURE that a captured secret agent is dead BEFORE you walk away from your miscellaneous torture device.

That, and to always look behind you when you hear menacing violin music begin to play.

In school, the end-of-class bell will always interrupt teachers mid-sentence.

Never disarm a bomb unless it has one second left on the timer. The same goes for escaping from areas with a timed locking mechanism.

Always trust the most annoying person you can find because he/she will always survive.

If you are being chased by zombies run as fast as you can, even though they can barely walk they will still catch up with you.

Secret agents cannot drown because they have special lungs that allow them to breathe forever.

If someone you love dies then start mourning and crying, doing so will mean that they will then magically appear in front of you!

If someone or something is about to kill you and you have a gun then you are screwed because even if you have a loaded gun, the bullets will mysteriously disappear once you start shooting.

If you are in a vehicle and you have a vision of a huge accident and then get out of it then beware, because afterwards, any random object could kill you in any random way. (From Final Destination)

If your wife is having an affair, never kill the person she is having it with, you may have to eat him the next day. (From The Cook, The Wife, The Thief and Her Lover)

No matter what your mission is you will be given the latest gadget (or have it installed in your car), which will be the exact thing you need to complete your mission (and it will always work). Also no matter how much experience and training someone has shooting, they will always miss the hero.

No matter how fast someone runs through the woods, the killer will be able to walk and manage to get just in front of the person as they fall or turn around.

All of the killer’s victims will fall out of trees and become visible only when the last person alive is running for their lives.

Being a camp counsellor at a summer camp is as good as a death sentence

All zombies roaming the streets have only been bit once or twice, yet when a zombie gets someone on screen they always tear them to pieces

Two gophers and a piece of clothes can be made into the deadly weapon known as gopfer-jakus

1st Sep 2008, 14:34
You missed one Marlborolite. The hero and heroine are never called Percy and Edna

1st Sep 2008, 15:04
No matter how badly damaged a spaceship is, the Anti-Gravity machine nevers fails (I think it must be made of the same stuff as aircraft black boxes)

1st Sep 2008, 15:08
Hmmm, shouldn't that be the Gravity machine, rather than the Anti-Gravity machine?

1st Sep 2008, 15:44
Everyone is immediately capable of piloting a helicopter/plane like an expert. (Unless they are a bad guy - at which point the helicopter will explode.:E)

1st Sep 2008, 18:09
Don't watch Bambi in company.

1st Sep 2008, 18:51
Any woman running away from a serial killer will fall over and break or sprain their ankle

When a serial killer has been shot or stabbed once by a potential victim, and appears dead, then no matter how supernaturally powerful and unrelenting the killer has been up to that point the potential victim will turn their back on him. Instead of cutting them up into little pieces and burning them miles apart like they would do if anybody in these films had actually watched one.

Beatriz Fontana
1st Sep 2008, 19:56
Central government organisations always have the most expensive and up to date computer systems which are interconnected across a number of platforms and work with touch-screen technology.

Only in the movies, eh lads?

tony draper
1st Sep 2008, 20:11
Apparently it's ok to punch someone in the head even if they are wearing a bone dome or steel helmet,it does not effect yer knuckles at all.

1st Sep 2008, 20:15
Suitcases are always, always, always empty!

You can spend 60 million bucks on CGI, but yer can't put two bricks in a suitcase.

People creeping about wearing trainers(tennis shoes for the Septics) always have dubbed leather soles and heels.

Cups of tea/coffee echo the suitcases. They get waved around abnormally during dialogue and not a drop clears the rim.

Production values ... I could teach'em a thing or two.:ugh:

I've been wanting to share those points with the world for years but never found the right forum. I can die happy now.:)

Oh, oh, oh and what about anyone underwater without the benefit of mask and air bottles. They can hold their breath for longer than a freediver whilst undertaking the most violent of exercise. They can also see perfectly clearly.

I'll handover now.

tony draper
1st Sep 2008, 20:28
Apparently all handguns are much more effective if one holds them up at ear level in the manner of a Orangutang and sideways,especially if you is black.
Also when you are tracking some baddies down in town always wait they are lurking just round the next corner before you jack a round into the chamber of yer winchester.

mr fish
1st Sep 2008, 22:25
hitting someone over the head ALWAYS renders them unconcious------ as opposed to having them run around setting off alarms and screaming like a b:mad:rd!!!!!
p.s, this is my 100th post, is there a cash prize or silver cup or something?

Um... lifting...
1st Sep 2008, 22:50
Not a fillum, but TV. Years ago, when 'Magnum PI' was new, Tom Selleck was hustling about in a field full of rocks with gun in hand being actively shot at and missed (of course).
Overdubbed were his thoughts... "OK, he's fired four shots... so he's got two left... ... ... unless he's reloaded... ... ... or he has an automatic... ... ... or he has two guns..." or words to that effect
Decided that this might be worth watching...

Steve McQueen in Bullitt was about the coolest ever...

1st Sep 2008, 23:12
In fillums,no one ever says "Hang on a minute,I need to take a leak"

2nd Sep 2008, 00:15
Bad guys with machine guns on full auto will always miss the hero who's running along an open catwalk. But each and every bullet will stitch along the metal railing maybe six inches behind the hero.

A handgun stuffed down the hero's trousers will never fall out, despite running, jumping from a roof into a dumpster, or diving into a pool four stories below.

And come to that, there is always a deep-enough, conveniently-situated swimming pool for our hero to fall into should he ever suffer the indignity of being thrown out a hotel window. The hotel is always in Las Vegas.

All gunshot wounds are "just flesh wounds". Except if it's to someone ugly, or to the sidekick. If the sidekick gets shot, he will live just long enough to be cradled in the hero's arms and murmur "take care of Fido for me" or maybe the combination of the safe or something...

Anyone sneaking into the villain's secret lair via the overhead (thin galvanized sheet) vent ducts will make no noise whatsoever.

Whenever a group of teenagers are chased by a psycho with a machete, only the prettiest, most skimpily-clad girl will survive. Nerds and cowards get it first.

2nd Sep 2008, 01:36
Every film that has a male underdog character, he is always a Chicago Cubs fan.

2nd Sep 2008, 04:07
The bad guys can't hit the side of a barn from 10 paces with automatic weapons but the good guy can knock off a fly at 200 paces with a 38 special :rolleyes:

And, no matter how small the calibre used, when shot, the victim will always be blown backwards by the force of the bullet hitting them.

2nd Sep 2008, 07:49
When Americans in films talk of taking a European holiday it is *always* Paris - and their friends bill and coo about how wonderfully exotic that is.

The first shot of the destination always shows the Eiffel Tower with the words "Paris,France" underneath in case the audience thought the shot was of Paris Texas, or Idaho or wherever and were confused.:hmm:

London streetscenes obviously filmed on the backlot always contain a red telephone box and a bobby on the beat with a helmet on - no police in flat caps at all. Vehicles are mostly sportscars and the odd Jaguar saloon. No vans,lorries motorbikes etc. Pubs contain at least one sailor ( usually elderly with a huge white beard ) in full uniform and someone playing the piano.

A lowspot for me in the way Hollywood portrayed 'abroad' was the squel to the Dirty Dozen.

On arriving at the SS headquarters they find the SS troops relaxing...by playing American Football...:ooh:

One of the Americans dresses as a SS Stormtrooper to infiltrate the castle, trouble is he doesn't speak German... oh and he's black...

Cap'n Arrr
2nd Sep 2008, 07:52
From Anchorman:

If you stab someone with a trident, you should lay low for a while as you're probably wanted for murder:ok:

Also, in a similar vein: (Caution very long!)

From www.eviloverlord.com

The Top 100 things (and then some!) I'd do if I became an Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter.

When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

Cap'n Arrr
2nd Sep 2008, 08:02
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.

I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.

Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.

Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.

Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.

Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.

All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting.
Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.

If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.

I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.

If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.

I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.

I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.

Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.

Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.

I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.

When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.

I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.

As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.

I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.

If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.

I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.

I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.

I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.

If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.

I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.

If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.

I will not outsource core functions.

If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.

I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.

I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.

Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.

I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).

If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.

I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.

If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.

I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.

If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.

If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.

I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.

During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.

I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.

All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.

When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.

Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.

Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.

I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.

If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.

I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.

I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.

If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)

Cap'n Arrr
2nd Sep 2008, 08:07
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.

If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.

If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.

I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.

I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"

I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.

I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".

I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.

I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.

If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.

If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.

I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.

Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.

2nd Sep 2008, 08:56
The hero strikes the villain a glancing blow that contrary to all experience reduces the villain to a coma. The gun is lying right there next to the villain.
The hero and heroine neglect to secure the hands of the villain who is a man of proven resilience and resource, turn their backs on him, and pursue deep discussion of Aristotelian logic or Bishop Berkeley's empirical philosophy and Dialogues between Hylas and Philonous. The villain emerges from his coma and reaches for the gun. The villain takes command of the gun and the situation. He could shoot hero and heroine instantly, but refrains, preferring to enlarge on intended evils.

Um... lifting...
2nd Sep 2008, 09:01
That is totally baseless and untrue... give just one example... if you can...:ok:


Pinky the pilot
2nd Sep 2008, 09:18
Cap'n Arrr for the next Bond villian!!:ok::ok:

Try and get out of that one 007.:eek::uhoh:

2nd Sep 2008, 10:43
ok Um...lifting...

Uncle Buck (John Candy R.I.P) The lovable slob loser and underdog who manages to turn round his brothers family was a Cubs Fan

Brewsters Millions, Monty Brewster (Richard Pryor R.I.P) Minor league baseball player and general washout... Cubs Fan

Taking care of business/Filofax Jimmy Dworski (James Belushi) Petty criminal and Cubs fan

tony draper
2nd Sep 2008, 11:16
One notes Cockney villains no longer stop throw up their hand and say "it's a fair cop guv" when the bold London Bobby pursuing them shouts "Stop Thief" and blows two blasts on his Acme Thunderer.
One has a Acme Thunderer about the place somewhere,somehow sadly one doesn't think it would be as effective at bringing scallywags to a stop as one of Mr Colts revolving products these day.
Mr M in the UK one could be locked up in for being a cubs fan.:uhoh:

Bally Heck
2nd Sep 2008, 11:39
Any tracking device or ATC radar screen will emit a noise which sounds like a 2nd world war destroyer's sonar pulse every time it scans the target.

Cap'n Arrr
2nd Sep 2008, 12:53
Many thanks Pinky, you shall be spared:E

Can I just add that, despite it being an excellent movie otherwise, does anyone remember that scene in Alien where, in pretty much one breath, the captain says something along the lines of "It's killing us one by one, we need to stick together to survive. Now you (picks someone), go down to the engine room and investigate that unusual disturbance down there!"

No prizes for guessing what happens to him:}

3rd Sep 2008, 01:12
In any space type movie any unnamed character (ie ensign number 6) going on an away mission or someplace dangerous is ALWAYS going to cop it first usually in the most gruesome manner.Yeah.

3rd Sep 2008, 01:50
It is possible to retrieve endless details from any photo, thanks to digital zoom.

Google only returns relevant hits.

All diving aircraft sound like WW2 Stuka bombers.

All aircraft go out of control for at least 10 minutes whenever oxygen masks drop.

The speed of light does not apply to laser gun pulses.

You don't need seatbelts in a Starship.

RJ Kanary
3rd Sep 2008, 03:58
My favourite will always be the oft repeated scene in the early Superman® serials, where the villain empties his revolver at The Man of Steel who stands steadfastly.

Upon realizing that his weapon is empty, said villian hurls it at Clark Kent's alter ego.................who then ducks. :)


3rd Sep 2008, 07:44
CapnArr - you get this year's "Cut and Paste" prize. I also wish to give you my undying thanks for exercising my right index figure on the fast scroll wheel on my mouse.

Now what was that old adage??? Ah yes...."LESS IS MORE"

Now back to the pithy one liners....

Quintessenial English programmes such as Midsomer Murders, Agatha Christie etc always have a horse clip clopping down the village street or an old biddy riding a bicycle with a basket on the front.

3rd Sep 2008, 08:12
In America the only fat people are security guards who sit behind desks eating doughnuts all day.

Ascend Charlie
3rd Sep 2008, 08:56
When the leading man and woman decide to leap between the sheets, she never has to say "Sorry, it's that time of the month."

When they have finished their frolics (different month) there is never that awkward moment looking for the tissues.

When a door or a telephone are in the shot, the door will open or the phone will ring.

The car will always stop with the front bumper next to the camera.

3rd Sep 2008, 09:21
In Advert-Land

no matter who you are you live in a house with a massive kitchen.
Scruffy students live in large, immaculate designer furnished flats
Even if you live in a £10million house on a mountain top reached by a curvy road - you opt to buy a £15,000 car such as a Skoda rather than a Maserati or Ferrari.
Roads have no other cars on them and your drive home takes you through a beauiful deserted valley.
Most men are 30-40 years old, live in huge houses (see above ) but prefer designer stubble, jeans, and a sports jacket worn over a grey / dark t shirt

3rd Sep 2008, 11:30
Not a film, but the new Spooks 9 series on BBC seems to tick all the boxes.

The have phones that work underground, can instantly send pictures and data, ('do you want to send an MMS?' 'Yes, yes, quick, the bomb's about to go off') laptops in a warehouse style office which can access every computer and cctv camera in the country. Even a grumpy boss, think Cowley out of The Professionals. But yet they have a countdown timer which seems to be broken.
And they're all about twelve.

3rd Sep 2008, 11:44
barefooted field walkers (think Flake advertisements and womanthic rolls in grassy meadows) never have to worry about burrs, cow pats, nettles, thistles, last year's stubble, hedgehogs, slugs, snails, wasps, creepy crawlies, sheep and rabbit 'pebbles', etc etc etc.... :hmm:

3rd Sep 2008, 13:02
In Advertland

Husband : walks across white carpet in filthy muddy football boots.

Wife: Shakes head and gives a wry smile

In Real Life Land

Husband: Spills a few drops of tea on kitchen floor ( tiled )

Wife: "Did you do that!, I just cleaned that this morning! For goodness sake! Get a cloth now! AND THAT BIT! I spend half my life cleaning up in here and nobody else bothers"... etc etc

CarltonBrowne the FO
3rd Sep 2008, 13:52
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
You mean Vista?

simon brown
3rd Sep 2008, 13:53
If a film is about matters military or featuring a specific type of airliner they will always show stock footage of the wrong type of aircraft flying past or landing

Anyone can land a stranded airliner if all aircrew perish

In sub movies its always the control room where the water first comes in

A Sub is always designed to go 1000' past its crush depth and have a huge conveniently placed gauge that doesnt reflect this thereby instilling tension in the crew, one of which will always know the amount of pressure the hull is taking in tons/sq inch

3rd Sep 2008, 14:47
You mean Vista?

I am not a boastful person, I think, and I know about as little as is to be known about IT, but this I say:

I had a laptop with Vista; They told me the thing could never be done, but I have just bought a NEW laptop without Vista.

Go shove Vista, Mr Gates.

3rd Sep 2008, 15:15
Justifiable drift, Vista - pah.

3rd Sep 2008, 21:15
In any military movie, on highly technical tactical insertion into enemy territory the secret agent only gets his mission orders and intel briefing 7 seconds before his static line jump, while standing in the open door of the c130/chinook, from a cigar smoking staff officer screaming above the noise of the aircraft engines.:ugh:

4th Sep 2008, 08:35
In a US film, any boy under 10 who has a main role ( usually as the heroes / heroines sibling ) will sport a huge bob haircut from the 70's regardless of current childrens fashions. The hair will be blond or off-blond and be so straight he looks like he's wearing a Guardman's helmet.

Where a charecter wears John Lennon type glasses you know s/he is the sensitive, intelligent and artistic one - never a villain.

4th Sep 2008, 08:52
Stealth aircraft ships and vehicles can operate with impunity from detection even when broadcasting on search radar, radio, terrain following radar etc

4th Sep 2008, 09:26
Justin, what have you done?
It started so small and insignificant and yet, somehow, against all the odds, after a few enlightened and benign relatives have quietly contributed, anonomously, to your developement, here you are, fully fledged and a most unexpected success!
Well done.

I see steve McQeen has had more than an honourable mention, and quite rightly so.

Never was an actor so cool.....

4th Sep 2008, 11:01
I like this thread it gets so much off my chest.:ok:

In US WW2 movies non US troops are invisible - or are only there to be rescued by the GI's.

If the troops are British they will be wearing their berets the wrong way ( usually plomped on head like a pimple with the badge on the wrong side )

tony draper
4th Sep 2008, 11:36
WW2 American troops were also bullet proof,which turned out to be completely unnecessary as the German infantryman couldn't hit a brick shit house wi a baseball bat anyway,makes one wonder how peeps so bad wi rifles machine guns and pistols conquered most of Europe.

4th Sep 2008, 12:58
If you sink a submarine, the best way to make sure is to take your ship alongside an oil slick and look at over the side through a pair of big binoculars.

Justin Cyder-Belvoir
4th Sep 2008, 13:48
If you go the seaside in the US there are always 2 bikini clad girls on roller skates on the pavement (sidewalk) next to the beach.

I blame rubik......he replied;);)

4th Sep 2008, 14:00
If the troops are British they will be wearing their berets the wrong way ( usually plomped on head like a pimple with the badge on the wrong side

Any actors wearing a beret will get it wrong. It all stems from the props department handing out the said berets from a big box which came straight from the suppliers.

As anyone who has been in the services and has worn a beret knows...when new they are like pancakes. They have to be dunked alternately in hot and cold water then placed on the noggin wet, shaped into the desired "steely" format and dried to shape. 5 minute job - Simple!

Movie producers please note. :=

4th Sep 2008, 14:20
the movie shows an officer in the RAF, and that officer has a DFC, the ribbon will be sewn to his tunic upside down...

and admittedly on a single sample, if the picture is from Foyle's War and it shows a captain RN, you will learn that in WW2 officers RN wore moustaches.

4th Sep 2008, 16:41
You don't need seatbelts in a Starship.

Ah, now you see..thi isnt hollywood silliness, in the future, they have 'inertial dampners' so they dont need seat belts...

On the other hand, the electric fuse seems to have been erased from existence in star trek land...

4th Sep 2008, 20:37
On the other hand, the electric fuse seems to have been erased from existence in star trek land...

So, just what are the sparky flashes that one sees on the Enterprise, or Defiant, Voyager, et al.
Anti/Pro gravity goes wrong too, remember Star Trek 5, Quest for Peace? .... the Assasination?
C'mon peeps, get real, look at the information available, for Petes sake.

4th Sep 2008, 20:42
So, just what are the sparky flashes that one sees on the Enterprise, or Defiant, Voyager, et al.

errr.....thats my point!

If they had fuses the electrics wouldnt explode every 5 mins!

Jimmy Macintosh
4th Sep 2008, 21:40
You can squeal car tyres on gravel/dirt tracks.

Best I can do is in multistory carparks :(

5th Sep 2008, 04:17
Any last arrow/bullet/photon torpedo/<insert projectile of choice> will hit the target if you play dramatic music in the background.

As Terry Pratchett succinctly put it, "Million to one shots occur nine times out of ten"

5th Sep 2008, 08:19
If you go the seaside in the US there are always 2 bikini clad girls on roller skates on the pavement (sidewalk) next to the beach.

How true - first film I saw yesterday after reading this - Hero gets to the seaside and 2 bikini clad girls on rollerskates glide past waving ( Blast from the Past, Film4 last night )

5th Sep 2008, 10:38
Capt Arr, I can't thank you enough. Brilliant!

My input. In America no one ever says Goodbye on the telephone. You just stop talking and hang up.

And: Americans never lock their cars.

tony draper
5th Sep 2008, 11:11
Any broken down car can be restarted simply by lifting the bonnet waggling the plug leads then saying to the driver "Try it now" :rolleyes:

5th Sep 2008, 11:53
British Youth Training Centres in the 60's were populated by malefactors whose knees would do my Grandad proud.

5th Sep 2008, 14:05
Where a hero / heroine has a nasty accident they only need a small bandage over the forehead to fix them up. They have no other signs of injury ( even if they have fallen down a cliff ) Once the bandage is off ( basically as soon as they get out of the hospital bed ) there are no signs of injury at all.

Casting a good looking woman in a role where the character is supposedly "ugly" and making her look ugly by the use of glasses / hairdo / and the biggest cliche of all - teeth braces.

What a cop out ! We all know what bushpigs some people look like - why not use an actor with squashed noses , big flabby faces, facial hair etc etc.

Worst example of this is Ugly Betty - the woman is gorgeous in real life.

5th Sep 2008, 15:24
Reminds me of the time I tried to watch The Truth About Cats and Dogs (I think that was the title). I switched it off in absolute disgust after about half an hour when I realised that Janeane Garofalo was the closest Hollywood could come to an ugly woman.

Hey, Shlomo, we need an ugly, get Kathy Bates!

Sorry boss, she's on leave.

Jesus, what do we do now?

Cap'n Arrr
8th Sep 2008, 11:06
I've seen it come up a few times, would just like to add that I have seen for real a rally driver get tyre squeal on a dirt track. Surprised the bejebus out of me too:ok: