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4PON4PIN
8th Aug 2008, 09:58
Well someone has to start.....


A blonde gets a job as a teacher.








She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says:



scroll














'Because I am the f#####g goalie'

Rule3
8th Aug 2008, 11:18
The Insomniac, Agnostic, Dyslecsic lay awake all night pondering if there might be a DOG.:O

goudie
8th Aug 2008, 11:20
A Texan decided to write a book about famous churches around the world, so
he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Rome .. On his first day he was
inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by, what
the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to
Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the
priest and went along his way.

His next stop was in Moscow .. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was
the same kind of telephone he saw in Rome and he asked a nun what its
purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for
$10,000 he could talk to God. 'OK. Thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to France , Israel , Germany and Brazil . In every church
he saw the same golden telephone with a '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American finally decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had
the same telephone. He arrived in Newcastle and again, in the Minster, there
was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '20p
per call'. The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the
sign. 'Reverend, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same
golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to
heaven, but everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so
cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Geordieland now son. It's a
local call.'

ArthurR
8th Aug 2008, 11:43
You know you're living in 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. Your CV is on a disk in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11o'clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your boss gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, but you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
And the clinchers are...

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
24. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
25. YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO NUMBER 9.

bar fly
8th Aug 2008, 12:24
Why does Snoop Dog have an umbrella?


Fo' Drizzel.

FAN BLADE
8th Aug 2008, 12:39
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to ! ! preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

They both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

Mr_Grubby
8th Aug 2008, 14:11
A Louisiana businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.
The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what'?
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road . A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me...'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.Voodoo Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history....

frostbite
8th Aug 2008, 16:10
A chap is chatting to his mate at work and tells him that the previous night he spotted a girl tied to the railway track.

"What did you do?", asked his mate.

"Well, I untied her, took her home and we had wild sex all night", he replied.

"Wow, was she pretty?", asked his mate.

"Don't know, never did find her head", he replied.

seekayess
8th Aug 2008, 20:03
Important Announcement . . . .




Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.







We apologize for the inconvenience.




On second thoughts, that is not really a joke, is it?

flyvirgin
8th Aug 2008, 21:01
Did you hear about the man selling all the nicked calenders.....He got 12 months

seekayess
8th Aug 2008, 21:14
A British World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting our bombers when suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared."

At this point, several of the children giggle.

"I looked up, and one Fokker was right above me. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another Fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.

The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

Ripline
8th Aug 2008, 22:44
Actually, I suffer from a combination of amnesia and deja vu, but I'm pretty certain that I forgot that one before.....:ugh:

Ripline

ZH875
8th Aug 2008, 23:05
A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said: 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: 'You *******!'

The judge continued: 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: 'You ******* *******!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said: 'Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded: 'For 15 years I've lived next door to the accused and every time I asked to borrow a ******* spanner, he said he didn't have one!

BYALPHAINDIA
9th Aug 2008, 03:07
Tower says to Aircraft - Do you require the 'Full Length' - Lady pilot replies 'Yeah I always have the full length':};)

BYALPHAINDIA
9th Aug 2008, 03:09
2 Blokes knocking on doors collecting for the local swimming pool, gets to one house and are given 2 buckets of water.:ugh::*

BYALPHAINDIA
9th Aug 2008, 03:11
What's a PIA 777 & a lawn mower have in common - They both use the same grease.:}:eek:

Captahab
9th Aug 2008, 05:07
I've just had my application to join a web based dating site refused, apparently they found that the answer "My C--k" to "What do you really like most in a woman" was offensive.

frostbite
11th Aug 2008, 13:29
Er, thanks.... I don't specialise in them you know.

What part of a vegetable can't you eat?











The wheelchair

JennyB
11th Aug 2008, 13:44
They had a lookalike competition in China

Everybody won

Arjaysee
11th Aug 2008, 15:34
What's green and eats nuts?




Syphilis :E

goudie
12th Aug 2008, 18:18
One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady
behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.
"I am the pharmacist," she informed him.
"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.
"Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been
pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so
what is your problem?"
"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with
erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no
matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse!
Please, can you give me something for it?
"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister." she informed him.
About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man, I have consulted with
my sister and the best we can give you is $100 a week and a third interest
in the pharmacy."

BYALPHAINDIA
13th Aug 2008, 02:31
SAS = Stay at home stay alive.

Cathay Pathetic.

Emiroids.

Thomas Shook.

Thomson The Dog.

Ashtrays are us = Astreus.

Monarch Of The Glen.

ZH875
14th Aug 2008, 14:01
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

"You're on my listbut I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, soI'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren'tquite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water; he keptdiving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such washis fate in hell.

HELL No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing thathammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constantagony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked inspread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."




The devil smiled and said.... "MONICA, you're free to go!"

goudie
14th Aug 2008, 14:31
Man goes to the doctor, says 'I think I might be homosexual'.
'Right, take all your cloths off' says the doctor.
'Where shall I put them?' says the man.
The doctor replies 'over there.............. on top of mine!

ZH875
14th Aug 2008, 19:25
An Old Italian lived alone in Chicago .

He wanted to plant his annual Tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

ArthurR
14th Aug 2008, 19:44
An Oldie, but goodie, always makes me laugh.

Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."


The Plan

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of sh!t, and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company; with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is How Sh!t Happens.

Beer vs. Religion

TOP 10 REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION!
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over their brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait more than 2000 years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying that Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

seekayess
14th Aug 2008, 20:03
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! ! '


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

ArthurR
14th Aug 2008, 20:14
Found one for our Antipodian Friends

Why Jesus was an Aussie

Proof that Jesus was Australian:

He wore thongs.
He was a chippy, who like all good union members didn't work on Sundays.
His favourite past times were fishing, camping, going 4-wheel donkeying, and most of his mates were fishermen.
He seemed to know a lot of prostitutes.
His mates all had nicknames: The Rock, The Doubter, Simon Peter, The Baptist, so on and so forth.
The only time he went to church as a young bloke he got into a fight.
He was a champion surfer, it was like he could walk on water.
He did a mean barbeque, 5000 people rock up, no wuckers throw a few fresh caught fish on the barbie, some buns and a bit of mum's potato salad (it's in the Gospel of Thomas, trust me) and bob's your uncle.
No one is exactly sure where he was earning his quid from but he had a mate in the tax office so it was all sweet.
And to top it all off, he turned water into alcohol and if that isn't an Australian miracle I don't know what is!

BYALPHAINDIA
15th Aug 2008, 00:50
An old English war veteran with a bad memory travels to Europe, And He loses his bearings, He says to a bystander 'On no not another F***ing Lufthansa, The bystander says well you can't tell the difference when your in Germany.

The Old man says, What between the Men & The Women??:D:D

Fantome
15th Aug 2008, 01:15
An old English war veteran with a bad memory travels to Europe, And He loses his bearings, He says to a bystander 'On no not another F***ing Lufthansa, The bystander says well you can't tell the difference when your in Germany.

The Old man says, What between the Men & The Women??


The cream of the joke has curdled, Cock. Redraft. Redraft.

Fantome
15th Aug 2008, 01:41
Man goes to the doctor, says 'I think I might be homosexual'.
'Right, take all your clothes off' says the doctor.
'Where shall I put them?' says the man.
The doctor replies 'over there.............. on top of mine!


John Callahan, American cartoonist, and quad to boot, drew a proctologist about to proctor. This quack looks like he was a thalidomide case, as he has stumpy little arms. He says to his patient, who's in position and looking nervy, "I must warn you, my method of examination is a little unorthodox."

CityofFlight
15th Aug 2008, 02:41
The cure to all of our TSA security woes!!

YouTube - Big Man From Brooklyn - Stoppin' the Muslim Terrorist (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4M_rdZ1910&feature=related)

Howard Hughes
15th Aug 2008, 03:08
You've probably heard it before, but anyway here goes!;)

There were four Doctors..........

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland , put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.

Evening Star
15th Aug 2008, 08:35
You've probably heard it before, but anyway here goes!;)

Indeed, one has heard it before, back in the days when the arsehole came from Grantham...;)

Lon More
15th Aug 2008, 10:57
back in the days when the arsehole came from Grantham...


.... it was a cnut then :eek:

UniFoxOs
15th Aug 2008, 11:30
It still is.

S'land
15th Aug 2008, 17:05
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland , put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours


Back in the late sixties the political joke that I heard most was:

Q. "Who is the greatest carpenter in the world?"

A. "Harold Wilson's father. One screw and he made a sh*thouse."

The level of political humour has not got any higher since those days.

kansasw
15th Aug 2008, 22:36
I don't see a new thread but as I am still hung over from last Friday, the jokes can do the same.

What is the best time of day to visit the dentist?

.

.

.

.

2:30.

.

.

.

.

Please don't make me explain.

wiccan
15th Aug 2008, 23:05
AM, of course....
bb

ZH875
16th Aug 2008, 11:59
I go to the dentist after you, at 2:32

sisemen
17th Aug 2008, 07:38
Watching the Olympics last night I got to wondering whether there was anything that the Chinese were not good at. Then I remembered.....




....cockle picking in Morecambe Bay :}

BYALPHAINDIA
17th Aug 2008, 20:56
Laughing, They don't do it much.:}

RJM
22nd Aug 2008, 07:36
And the taller ones last longer at the job...

Two Scotsmen were discussing the future.

The first said, 'If the world were to end in three minutes, what would you do?'

The second said 'I'd shag anything that moved. What would you be doing?'

The first replied, 'I'd be standing perfectly still.'

ArthurR
22nd Aug 2008, 08:04
Understanding Technicians

Terminology used by technicians
Stuffed
A description of an item of equipment indicating that it does not work quite as well as when it was new. This situation is not expected to change in the near future.
F##ked
Terminally stuffed.
F##k me
A technical expression meaning that after you have totally stripped an assembly you didn't really need to, you have read the manual to discover a major warning in bold type saying never to touch that part under any circumstances whatsoever, as it requires factory (overseas) realignment.
F##k it all
An expression that follows the tinging sound of a miniature spring or circlip bouncing off something on the other side of the room. Unfortunately, you didn't see where it came from, where it went to, and have no idea what it looks like.
F##king bloody f##k
An expression used after 2 full days reassembling and mechanical aligning to find that an extremely fundamental part is still sitting under the workshop bench.
Holy bloody sh#t
The expression used immediately after stripping the thread or hexagon off a small bolt and remembering that it had a left hand thread.
Sh#t, f##k, sh#t
The technical expression denoting full understanding that the thing you have just dropped into the bowels of the machine is not only critically important to the machines operation, but is completely beyond retrieval.
Sh#t, sh#t, sh#t
Something weighing 400kg is sitting on my finger.
Sh#t, sh#t, sh#t, sh#t, sh#t...
Something hot weighing 400 kg is sitting on my finger.
How the f##k...
Often used to indicate that in your opinion the designers of the machine might have done something a bit differently.
Bloody f##k
Somebody will have to find a first aid kit.
Holy f##king sh#t
This is a 440 volt circuit, and I think I've forgotten to isolate it.
Bu66er bloody f##k
You see a severed 200 cable wiring harness and reach an immediate understanding of why the equipment rack required extra force to close it.
NOTE: If the word 'Holy' is used in conjunction with this expression, it means that all 200 wires in the harness are the same colour.
F##king damn sh#t
I have just picked up the wrong end of a soldering iron.
F##king bloody damn
A general phrase indicating minor irritation.
Holy bloody f##k
My tie is caught by something being driven by a 200 horsepower motor and I can't reach the power switch.
Bu66er, f##k, damn
An indication of full acceptance that the final, binding quote given to the customer omitted the $1800 parts content of the job.

old,not bold
22nd Aug 2008, 11:40
1960's, Salisbury Plain, regiment of newly green-hatted gunners, wet, cold, been there 2 weeks out in the open, tired.

CO, fire-breathing 1-eyed Catholic, demands that the whole regiment forms a half-circle for his sermon of the day. It's raining hard.

"Right" says he, "I've had enough. At two o'clock this morning I passed a vehicle, and I heard someone say 'the f**ck**g f*****'s f****d.' From now on the use of that word IS CONSIDERED AN OFFENCE AND YOU WILL BE PUNISHED!".


Standing there in the rain, I heard a growing murmur among the ranks behind me.




"F*****'s gone off his f*****g head."


"What did the f****r say?"


"F*****g hell, the f*****'s serious".


"Who the f**k does he think he is?"


"f**k me"


"f*****"


"F......"

etc etc

MarlboroLite
22nd Aug 2008, 12:13
In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player. When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through the wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts...




(wait for it!)





"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!" :E

sisemen
22nd Aug 2008, 12:52
Watching the 100m on the Olympics the other night reminded me of a night club in New York......

First you hear a gunshot and then half a dozen afro-american guys start running like buggery.:}

mr fish
22nd Aug 2008, 15:47
what do you call a woman with a sheet of metal on her head?----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"TRAY":O

black-out
22nd Aug 2008, 16:14
why did the elephant paint his testicles red?

so he could hide in an apple tree

v
v
v
v

how did tarzan die?

he picked an apple

seekayess
24th Aug 2008, 11:33
FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest..

32. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

33. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

34. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

36. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

37. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

38. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

39. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

40. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

41. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. . .

42. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

43. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

44. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

45. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

46. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

PLovett
24th Aug 2008, 14:15
Beady,

Somehow I don't find that funny.:sad:

Cluster One
24th Aug 2008, 16:26
Beady,

Even Jet Blast has a line. You've crossed it.

May I suggest you remove that post?

OFSO
24th Aug 2008, 18:45
I think there was something wrong with the lighting in the Olympics stadium.

Everybody was squinting.

Lon More
24th Aug 2008, 20:45
Beady I agree, you should remove that ....





















.... I've saved it to my hard drive:*

stevef
24th Aug 2008, 23:52
So what do you call a woman with a sheet of metal on her head?

asiaseen
25th Aug 2008, 01:35
tin lizzie?

chiglet
25th Aug 2008, 19:58
As above but not fat?




Thin Lizzie

watp,iktch

Loose rivets
26th Aug 2008, 01:52
Allow me to present Mr and Mrs Walcarpet...and their son Walter.

******************************************


Irishman takes his glass eye back to the eye surgeon and says,

"It's a nice colour, but would you drill a hole through it.?"

"Drill a hole through it...why do you want me to do that?"

"Can't see a bloody thing through it!!"

Capot
26th Aug 2008, 10:03
There is in Exeter a shop owned by Walter Wall, who sells carpets. It is his real name. No prizes for guessing what's on his shop.

The aviation connection is that his daughter once worked at the airport, where

And now, back to the jokes.

frostbite
26th Aug 2008, 13:06
Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

CityofFlight
26th Aug 2008, 19:59
THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or
wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you
see a bottle of wine:

Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and
asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently,
looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said,
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

seekayess
26th Aug 2008, 22:22
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For ten bucks, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a tenner.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement.'

frostbite
26th Aug 2008, 22:50
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Mom says, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

seekayess
26th Aug 2008, 22:54
Any Trekkies out there?


Might as well advise Data to dump 'Doze and go in for OSX!!



http://i195.photobucket.com/albums/z285/seekayess/DataBSOD.gif

keel beam
27th Aug 2008, 06:21
Re: Voodoo Dick

I have the animation, but am not able to post!

Sound effects are good!

KB

YouTube - Voodoo Dick (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=5A63Qb9nLVU)

CAUTION - Contains bad language!!

ZILLI
27th Aug 2008, 07:53
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he pushed it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason Why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

frostbite
28th Aug 2008, 13:34
Schoolkids assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end
of it.

The next day the kids came back
and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg
laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car
when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are
farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral
to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'


'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon.
Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the
way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100
enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of
moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the **** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been
drinking.


----------------------------------------------------------


Extreme Sports the Irish way

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, '***** dat. Dis budgie jumping is too *****'n dangerous for me!'


THERE'S MORE


Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy. Watch dis,'

Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.


Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'



IT IS NOT OVER YET


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits on a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'***** dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.and now Sean Og and his *****'n hengliding!'

Doctor Cruces
28th Aug 2008, 14:27
Tiger escapes from London Zoo, makes his way to Downing Street and eats Gordon Brown (don't we wish?).
What time is it?





8 pm

Doc C:ugh:

mr fish
28th Aug 2008, 20:32
two tramps looking in a tailors shop window, one says to the other," thats a nice suit", the other tramp replies " no, thats the one i'd get". a cyclops walking past kicks his head in!!!!!!!:}

stevef
28th Aug 2008, 20:48
Maybe it loses something in translation?
:confused:

Nearly There
28th Aug 2008, 21:00
Dont you get it?..tickled me:ok:

SilentHandover
28th Aug 2008, 21:15
Did the same to me ;-)

Wholigan
28th Aug 2008, 21:17
http://www.ultimatecoupons.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/cyclops2.JPG

Ancient Mariner
28th Aug 2008, 21:19
Stevef, even I, a Norskie Scandihooligan with a funny accent got it. :E
Per

dazpoo23
28th Aug 2008, 21:34
very good, that took me a while.

This is why the written word is must always be considered secondary to spoken language.

ZH875
28th Aug 2008, 21:47
It took three goes at reading it, but I got it in the end.:)

Mr_Grubby
28th Aug 2008, 21:54
A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he was persuaded to buy a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the pub with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again "How about going to the pub and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "There's no need to shout, I heard you the first time! I'm just putting my shoes on!

stevef
28th Aug 2008, 22:25
Oh, One-eyed get!
Sorrrrry, it's been a long day.
:O

G-CPTN
28th Aug 2008, 22:48
. . . budgie jumping is too *****'n dangerous for me!'

. . . I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.and now Sean Og and his *****'n hengliding!'
Paddy jumped off the building site scaffolding because he'd heard that during the War men flew in Wellingtons . . .

chiglet
28th Aug 2008, 22:57
Oh, One-eyed get!
Actually, it is "One Eyed GIT"...don't know what a GIT is, but I shall be enlightened pdq.
watp,iktch

mr fish
28th Aug 2008, 23:45
a chicken go's to the jobcentre looking for work, " got any jobs mate" he says to the officer. " bloody hell, a talking chicken, you should join the circus", to which the chicken says--------DRUM ROLL--------" why would the circus need a welder!!!!!!!

S'land
28th Aug 2008, 23:54
.don't know what a GIT is, but I shall be enlightened pdq.

One will jump in with both feet before anyone else does.

git noun, derogatory slang a stupid or contemptible person.
ETYMOLOGY: 20c: variant of get, and now the commoner form.

Mind you, as a nipper one was told that it meant a pregnant camel.

G-CPTN
28th Aug 2008, 23:58
I thought it was a pregnant fish . . .

Edited to add:-Get: A stallion's offspring.

Loose rivets
29th Aug 2008, 00:23
Paddy runs into the optician's shop.

"Quick, will'ye drill me a hole in me new glass eye?"

"Why do you want me to do that?"

"I can't see a bloody thing though it!"

henry crun
29th Aug 2008, 00:39
Did you think we had forgotten you posted that joke three days ago ? :)

G-CPTN
29th Aug 2008, 01:16
What do you call that condition when someone forgets that they've already told you something?
Alka Seltzers?

ZH875
29th Aug 2008, 08:41
Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. >> Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a [email protected]

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Counselling Southern Style:

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing, listening to country music and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over, women like that are hard to find.'

Tis I
29th Aug 2008, 11:12
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

mr fish
29th Aug 2008, 16:55
whats green and if it fell from a tree would kill you?------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------a snooker table!

stevef
29th Aug 2008, 19:45
A decaying gorilla?

Standard Noise
29th Aug 2008, 23:24
A man takes his wife to bed and decides to be a bit adventurous for a change. He pleasures her using a cucmber. After multiple orgasms, they both fall asleep extremely exhausted. Hours later she wakes up screaming in pleasure 'YES! OHHH GOD YESSSS! I'M COMING!'
In panic he says 'what's wrong darling?'
'Sorry love,' she says, 'it was just the cucmber repeating.'

frostbite
30th Aug 2008, 13:29
A truly helpful husband.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow
older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try to show some understanding.
My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table
for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think that this is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.
I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man, I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much
consideration is easy.
Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Wayne
----------------------------------
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra
long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his @$$ with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club lengthwise.

frostbite
31st Aug 2008, 13:33
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked!

She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.


Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."


A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"


"Why, yes I am... How did you know?"


He leaned closer, winked and whispered, " Hickory dickory dock..."

ZH875
1st Sep 2008, 21:09
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

Bucket
2nd Sep 2008, 00:41
A farmer stops and questions a rambler walking across his field...

Farmer - Er, do you know my daughter May?

Rambler - No...but thanks for the tip!