View Full Version : Limericks related to but not mentioning the A*i*t*o* word.

Dan D'air
8th Jun 2008, 22:59
After having been gently reminded of the rules here on JB, following an un intentional slip-up, I should like to propose a limerick thread, obliquely related to, but of course never mentioning, the A*r*r*f* or F*y*n* words.

This is my favourite of all time, I hope that other JB'ers will like it too:

There was a young fellow named Bright,
Who travelled much faster than light,
He set off one day,
In a relative way,
And got back the previous night.

Lydia Dustbin
9th Jun 2008, 02:14

never mentioning, the A*r*r*f* or F*y*n* words.

Now would you be so kind to replace the letters above with an asterisk, and the asterisks with letters, so i can work out what i must not mention:}:ok:

John Hill
9th Jun 2008, 02:20
Meanwhile, a little Limerick for ute boys from the Never Never.

I drove my ute around Downunder
Saw Uluru it was a wonder
stopped for a meal
at Camowheal
then up the road I had a chunder.

9th Jun 2008, 03:38
There was a young flyer named D'Air
who thought it exceeding unfair
that the love of his life
(who might become 'wife'?)
was here, while he 'else somewhere'.

Written in a coffee shop on Nathan.


Arm out the window
9th Jun 2008, 05:33
Right, I won't mention anything about aperitifs or frying.

Here's another Aussie one:

There was a young man from Australia
who painted his bum like a dahlia
the colours were true, red white and blue
but the smell of the bloom was a failure.

9th Jun 2008, 06:33
A student of music from Sparta
Was truly a magnificent farter
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God save the Queen
And Beethoven;s Moonlight Senata

There were two young ladies from the European Union
Who thought it would be spiffing to have a mod reunion
But when they drank the whisky
It made all the men rather frisky
So they instead they decided to take holy communion...

Dan D'air
9th Jun 2008, 07:49
Threadbaron, Superb Sir, I salute you!!!

Arm out of the window, In response to your shortened 4-liner;

There is a young man from Peru,
Whose limericks end on line two.

Must be a Southern Hemisphere thing!!

Charlie Foxtrot India
9th Jun 2008, 07:50
Ther was a young lady from Ryde
Who ate too many apples and died
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside.

9th Jun 2008, 07:59
There once was an abbot of Brittany
Who chanted this desolate litany:
"If Christ is the Source
Of Divine Intercourse,
Then how come I don't ever gitany?"

9th Jun 2008, 09:07
There was a young lady from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the lake,
A man in a punt,
Stuck an oar in her ear,
And said "don't swim there, love, it's dangerous".


9th Jun 2008, 11:36
There is a young man in Romania
Who's desp'rate to get to Albania
But there isn't a flight
Until next Thursday night
In a clapped-out ex-BOAC Britan(n)ia

9th Jun 2008, 11:49
There was a young plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
Said the girl "Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me"

Farmer 1
9th Jun 2008, 12:52
There once was a poet from Japan
Whose poems never did scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
I think it's because I try and get as many words into the last line as I possibly - can."

Wavey Gravey
9th Jun 2008, 14:43
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who told his wife, Linder to *uck it.
She started to cry and so jabbed his left eye
And then killed him with a cast iron bucket

9th Jun 2008, 14:53
The jolly old Bishop of Birmingham
He charvered three maids while confirming them
As they knelt seeking their god
He excited his rod
And pumped his episcopal sperm in them

9th Jun 2008, 16:55
There was a young man from Leeds,
He swallowed a packet of seeds,
Within half an hour his **** was a flower,
And his bum was jam packed tight with weeds

A policeman from near Clapham Junction,
Had a willy that just wouldn't function,
For The Rest of his life
He misled his wife
With intelligent use of his truncheon

There was a young lady from Gorton
Who had one long boob and a short 'un
To compensate that,
She had a whacking great ****
And could fart like a 650 Norton

I feel a banning coming on.....

9th Jun 2008, 17:05
There was a young man from Nepal
Who had a mathmatical ball
The cube of its weight
Times pi minus eight
Was four thirds the root of f*ck all!

Said Nelson at his most lardy dardy
I'm afraid I feel rather tardy
But I face this dillema . . .
Should I bugger my Emma?
Or screw the delectable Hardy!

Bern Oulli
9th Jun 2008, 17:29
There was a young man from Japan,
Who made up limericks that wouldn't scan.
When a friend said so
He said "Yes I know,
But I like to cram as many words into the last line as I bloody well possibly can.

9th Jun 2008, 17:46
There was a young man from Japan,
Who made up limericks that wouldn't scan.
When a friend said so
He said "Yes I know,
But I like to cram as many words into the last line as I bloody well possibly can.

Do I detect plagiarism?

There once was a poet from Japan
Whose poems never did scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
I think it's because I try and get as many words into the last line as I possibly - can."

9th Jun 2008, 17:58
There was a young pilot from Crewe,
Whose Dispacher hadn't a clue
So instead of some resting,
He sent him up testing,
And now he's in the wrong hue of blue.

There was an old gurrier from Dublin,
Whose pint he'd always blow bubbles'n
Till he went past the Pale,
Thought the pints were all stale,
And the bars he decided to bludgeon.

There was a girl in Nantucket,
Who always had with her a bucket,
Till it was pointed out,
All her milk had run out,
To which she replied, ah........


9th Jun 2008, 18:16
There was a young lady called Jude
Who went on the stage in the nude
One day, out in front,
a bloke shouted "I can see . . . "
Just like that, right out loud
Bloody rude!

blue up
9th Jun 2008, 18:38
There once was a welshman from Rhyl
who swallowed a Dynamite pill.
His heart expired, his ar53 backfire
and his b0ll0x shot over the hill.

There once was a steward from Brum
who liked to shove things up his bu*.
His boyfriend from Luton
would shove 2 bits of fruit in
then a 2-litre bottle of rum.

9th Jun 2008, 19:41
There once was a young man named Cass
Whose ba))$ were made of spun glass
He'd clang them together
And play "Stormy Weather"
While lightning shot out of his a$$

9th Jun 2008, 20:09
On the breasts of a hooker named Gail
Was tattooed the price of her tail
While on her behind, for the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braille

9th Jun 2008, 20:19
There was a man from 'ngooter
Who bought a rotten old scooter
And to his disgust, the f***ing thing bust
And his balls came out the hooter

9th Jun 2008, 20:34
There was a old pilot with a big nose
Pprune was his habitual daily dose
He used to be a drummer
Which was a bit of a bummer
Cos recalling the old days made him morose

There was a modder on a forum
Always trying to keep the decorum
The hamster wheel threads
Fair spun his poor head
And sent him off to the sanitorium

There was a wise old man called Tony Draper
Misuse of the shed fair sent him into a vapour
Oft to the park was he bound
With the small white hound
But his real joy in life was being a TRABBer

Arm out the window
10th Jun 2008, 00:17
A conveyor belt maker named Fred
said "I'll put this conjecture to bed."
On a turbocharged belt
went a Jumbo, full pelt
and the Earth stopped rotating instead.

Sorry, that was a*i*t*o* related, so here's another one.

There was a young fellow from Kent
whose penis was terribly bent
he could only insert it
with his body inverted
and instead of coming, he went.

keel beam
10th Jun 2008, 02:24
A beaver was deciding one day
If it was hetrosexual or gay
After tool insertion
It was now quite certain
It was hetrosexual all the way

10th Jun 2008, 03:03
An old Caliph of The Port of Algiers
Declared to his wives,
"My dears....
Think not it odd of me,
I have tired of sodomy,
There will be [email protected]*king tonight! "

Loud cheers :D


10th Jun 2008, 06:41
There was a young man named Kevin
Who flew an F One-Eleven
He took off with a roar
At six forty four
But crashed at a quarter to seven :sad:

Arm out the window
11th Jun 2008, 01:29
Said a portly young fellow named Beauchamp,
"Those fairy cakes, how can I reauchamp?
Ignoring my woe,
my parents say no,
no matter how much I beseauchamp."

There was a young lady from Thrace
whose corsets would no longer lace.
Her mother said "Nelly,
there's more in your belly
than ever went in through your face."

11th Jun 2008, 08:31
There was a young pruner called Radar
Who was known for her good behavior
Then a Starry young man
Became her best fan
And now they are both going crazier.

11th Jun 2008, 09:27
A flighty young lady called Gloria
Had a fling with Sir Gerald du Maurier
And then with six men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf Astoria

11th Jun 2008, 10:06
There was a young leccy called Westie
if the sparkes fly sure hes the bestie
but if he shortens the fuse
and the sparkes are the blues
then Westie the bestie goes west'e

11th Jun 2008, 10:16
There was a young lass on rock fraggle
Who didnt quite know how to haggle
but if the item was crap
oh boy could she snap
and seller beware of the cudgle

11th Jun 2008, 12:51
There was a young fella called Fos
who Idiot had for a boss
she would run round the plain
as he tried to explain
thats not good for a dog or a hoss

11th Jun 2008, 12:57
There was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat

Dan D'air
11th Jun 2008, 13:04

aa, you win!!

11th Jun 2008, 15:52
There once was a whore named Hurst,
Who in the pleasure of men was well versed
A sign on her bed
Above her head , read,
"The customer always comes first"

11th Jun 2008, 19:41
A tutor who taught on the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"

11th Jun 2008, 20:12
An elderly vicar of Kew
Kept his tom cat in a pew
Each day of the week
He taught it one letter of Greek
But it never got further than mu

Arm out of the windows contribution reminds me of something similar:

A young man named Cholmondeley Colquhoun
As a pet had a baby bolquboun
His mother said 'Cholmondely
it's really not colmondely
To feed a bolquboun with a spolquhoun'

11th Jun 2008, 22:04
There once was a girl from Darjeeling
Who had a peculiar feeling
She lay on her back and opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.:uhoh:

12th Jun 2008, 08:13
There was a young person called Foxy
who worked in some kind of glass boxy
to the aircrews she'd scream
my tea has no cream
so takeoffs and landings are notski

12th Jun 2008, 08:48
There was a young lady called Ransome
Was raped three times in a hansom,
When she cried out for more
A voice from the floor
Said 'The name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Sampson!'

12th Jun 2008, 10:07
There was a young salesman called Timm
whos wallet was also quite slim
for cars he did sell
and sure that that was hell
buying Ford's is considered a sin

12th Jun 2008, 10:21
Ppruners come here in their hordes
after all there's stuff on the boards
but beware of the trolls
the jornos and dolls
who cant seem to strike the right cords

12th Jun 2008, 11:50
There once was a man from Nantucket
with a pr1ck so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin
"if my ear was a c*nt I could f*ck it".

12th Jun 2008, 12:31
There once was a snapper called Clicker,
To send help there was no else quicker,
But if you stood still he'd say cheese,
And start shooting the breeze,
But he never logged off, he was no quitter.