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notmyC150v2
6th Jun 2008, 06:01
A woman is in labour and her husband stands nervously by her side. Suddenly the woman starts shouting "Shouldn't, Couldn't, Won't, Can't".

The man is concerned and asks the midwife what is going on.

The Midwife replies "don't worry, she is just having contractions".






Hat coat door...

kluge
6th Jun 2008, 06:15
NAG...NAG....NAG

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn-out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about.... "What time of night to be getting home is this?.... Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it"..... And ON and ON and ON.....Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub.... Pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client... . James Wright.... Had been granted a stay of execution after all
AND Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight,"
she said..... To which he whirled around and screamed......"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN.... DON'T YOU EVER STOP!

djk
6th Jun 2008, 13:49
What's the difference between a chocolate orange and the Champions League trophy?

Only one of them has got Terry's name on it.

Ozzy
6th Jun 2008, 14:44
A man is in bed with the wife.

The phone rings at 3am, the man answers and then yells out: "Why don't you ring the bloody Met Office?"

Wife asks "Who was that?"

The man replies "Some silly sod asking if the coast was clear."

JSaeroengineer
6th Jun 2008, 15:01
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.

Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home? asked John.

Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project, said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

Son, said John, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.

We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie. said Tommy.

What did you watch? asked Marsha.

The Ten Commandments. answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.

I am ashamed of you son, said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and whacked her off her chair.
____________________________________________________________ __


Her Diary :-

He was a bit quiet and withdrawn this evening, even when we went to bed he said nothing. I cuddled up to him and stroked his hair, after a while we made love before drifting off to sleep.

His Diary :-

F*cking gutted, England lost, got a shag though

Don with the Wind
6th Jun 2008, 15:24
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let out a much louder and longer fart. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to fart again. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a one that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Ginger, get away from her before she poops on you!"

Don with the Wind
6th Jun 2008, 15:27
Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Bridget O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three more good leads."

flying bizzie
6th Jun 2008, 22:36
Little boy says to the teacher "Miss, I saw a dead cat last night."

Teacher: "How did you know it was dead?"

Little boy: " I pissed in it's ear and it didnt move."

Teacher: " You did WHAT?"

Little boy: "Yeah, I went pssst in it's ear and it didn't move."

flying bizzie
6th Jun 2008, 22:58
Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian Beer. Then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab to sit on a swedish sofa and watch American shows on a Japanese TV, whilst at the same time being suspicious of anything foreign.

Oh, and only in Britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance, whilst in banks they leave the doors open whilst chaining the ball point pens to the counter.

Supermarkets on the other hand make the sick walk to the back of the store for a prescription whilst healthy people get their cigarettes at the front.

We might be British, but by God we're funny!!

weido_salt
8th Jun 2008, 08:20
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he was so funny.....NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one whowill cooperate)DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?' HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamaswith a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOURKNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.***Old People Rock! ***

PT6T3DF
9th Jun 2008, 17:16
Dear Abby:
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?
Signed,

Need Help

PT6T3DF
9th Jun 2008, 17:22
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. '14..14...14...14....'.

Mr_Grubby
9th Jun 2008, 19:19
A bloke looses an ear in a car crash. He wakes up after surgery and the Doctor tells him that they have run out of human ears to transplant but not to worry he has sown on a pigs ear.
The bloke is sent home and told to return in a month.
He does that and the Dr. asks how his new ear is. Great says the bloke, I can hear fine but every now and then I get a bit of crackling.

ZH875
9th Jun 2008, 19:34
This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....


A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,


'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish...
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.


The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich....

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,





Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

PT6T3DF
10th Jun 2008, 17:24
A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her
husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she
heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is
done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the
nurse who sent them. The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to
know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your
husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the
results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too." "What about the third
rose?" asks the patient. "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He
wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

ZH875
12th Jun 2008, 21:03
Bloke comes home from work to find his girl friend packing to leave him.

What are you doing he says?

I am leaving you she says, I've just found out you're a Paedophile




Wow he says thats a big word for a ten year old

Parapunter
12th Jun 2008, 21:10
Shell have announced they are to show porno movies on their petrol pumps so you can watch someone else getting f***ed at the same time as you.

oopspff7
13th Jun 2008, 00:06
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

:THE SITUATION


You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!


THE QUESTION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

oopspff7
13th Jun 2008, 00:13
"Went to see my sister's new baby the other day, she asked if I wanted to wind it. Reckoned that was a bit harsh so just gave it a dead leg!!!!" :ok:

con-pilot
13th Jun 2008, 00:38
A Lieutenant with a major city's police department had successfully pasted all the tests and requirements to become a captain. All that remained was the oral examination by the review board.

At the duly appointed time he presents himself to the review board and is asked only one question.

"Lieutenant, you are now a captain and you are assigned to control a riot. What will you do?"

The Lieutenant, breathing a sigh of relief, replies in very exact detail how he would disperse his forces, call for reinforcements and all the correct details on handling a riot.

The head of the review board replied, "Very good, however, you have failed the interview. Better luck next year."

The Lieutenant, in shock, says, "What do you mean, I gave you the proper answer for controlling a riot."

The head of the review board replied, "Yes you did as a Lieutenant, however, the correct response for a Captain is, you turn to your senior Lieutenant and tell him to handle the riot."

kluge
13th Jun 2008, 03:04
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilewe thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card,the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and yourfamily from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified byour surveillance cameras:


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine pro ducts aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6.September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and toldshoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked ifshe could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you peoplejust leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9.November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in theHousewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where theantidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid! in a cl othing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13.December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumedthe foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14.December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'


Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager

FAN BLADE
13th Jun 2008, 09:52
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.



She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.



What's your name?" she asked.

He replied, "Bob Titsenbeer."
-----------------------------------------------------
A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to

handle.



Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The

gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male

gorilla available.



Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay,

a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal

cages.



Bobby had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a

female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a

solution. Bobby was approached with a proposition. Would he be

willing to mate with the gorilla for 500 ? Bobby showed some

interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.



The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer,

but only under four conditions:



1. 'First', Bobby said, 'Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips.' The

Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.



2. 'Second', he said, 'Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this.' The

Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.



3. 'Third', Bobby said, 'I want all the weans raised as Rangers

fans.' Once again it was agreed.



4. 'And last of all', Bobby stated, 'You gotta give me another week

to come up with the 500'

--------------------------------------------------------------

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it allone night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off GunwharfQuay.
As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticedher as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?"he asked.


"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.


Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from theedge. "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing offfor Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start anew life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on thedeck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you ifyou look after me- if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that youwon't be found".


The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came toher lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love toher until dawn.


Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a r out ineinspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover tofind the startled blonde, and demanded anexplanation


The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of thesailors is helping me out . He set me up in here and brings me food andwater every night and he's screwing me."


The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, "He certainlyis love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry . "

flyinhfox
13th Jun 2008, 10:32
First post so take it easy!!!!!!!!

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and
then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are
in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner,
one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out
the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for another."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."

Glamgirl
13th Jun 2008, 16:29
You may have heard some of these before, but I think they're funny anyway.


A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'



'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour


Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'


For the record, I'm not a man-hater. In fact, I love some of them ;)

MarlboroLite
13th Jun 2008, 17:17
Apparently after having showered she walked across the marble hallway to her bedroom, slipped and ended up with a mobile phone stuck in her rectum.

Doctors at the hospital where she's being treated are unconcerned however and anticipate she'll make a full recovery. As one of them said "It's not the first time she's had an Eriksson up her ****". :E :}

1DC
13th Jun 2008, 19:05
EU Directive No. 456179



In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,

all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used

after 31st December 2009.



From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.



Thank you for your attention

justlooking_tks
14th Jun 2008, 09:51
ANGER MANAGEMENT

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing
number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to
call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole !' and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole !'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. One day I
was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy
in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale sign in his back
window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after
calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought
that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man
with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is..'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow
rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole !' Then I hung up, and added his number
to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to
call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow
rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.

He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole '

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way over
to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I
got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the shit out of
each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and
surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger management works

Effluent Man
14th Jun 2008, 12:17
A real life corollary to that.I was driving on an A road and came up behind a couple of salesman type guys in an Astra.I closed the gap to look for an overtake but decided against it as there wasn't enough room.

The driver saw me close behind and told his pal who then proceeded to make a variety of unfriendly hand signals that I don't remember being in the highway code.

A few miles further we came to a rooundabout with an old Mazda coupe taking an awfully long time to move on for no clear reason.I hooted at him.The door opened and this guy looking like Freddy Mercury on steroids got out and took a running kick at the Astra knocking the door mirror off.He then started kicking the door panel while swearing sweetly.

I put the car into first and carefully went around them both,so I got past him in the end.

CityofFlight
14th Jun 2008, 17:03
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet
and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God
had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of
them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat,
saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.'


Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it ?