View Full Version : Kiss me Hardy!!

5th Jun 2008, 13:53
This year, in October, we celebrate the 203rd Anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar in which that Great National Hero, Admiral Horatio Nelson, took on, and beat our long-term adversaries, the snivelling Frenchies and their Spanish allies.

But what would have been the case if the battle had taken place in October 2008 ?

Picture the scene:...

October 21st 2008 - Upper Poop-Deck - HMS Victory - 0700 hrs

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye, sir."

N: "Hold on a minute, that's not what I dictated to the signals officer. What's the meaning of this?"

H: "Sorry sir"

N: (reading aloud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

H: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equalopportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

N: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

H: "Sorry sir, you're not allowed to smoke whilst on board ship. All naval vessels have been designated as smoke-free working environments."

N: "In that case, Hardy, break open the rum ration and we'll splice the main brace before the battle."

H: "The rum ration has been abolished, sir. It's all part of the Government's policy on Binge Drinking."

N: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then. Full speed ahead."

H: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir."

N: "For ****'s sakes, man! We're on the verge of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all speed. Send a man to the crow's nest."

H: "Not possible, sir."

N: "What??"

H: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harnesses, and they say that the rope ladders do not meet current regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

N: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay."

H: "He's busy building a wheelchair access ramp to the fo'c'sle, sir."

N: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd."

H: "Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled"

N: "Differently-Abled? I've only got one eye and one arm, and I refuse to hear mention of the phrase. I didn't get to be an Admiral by playing the disability card."

H: "Actually, sir, you did. The Admiralty was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

N: "Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons."

H: "A couple of problems there too, sir. H&S won't let the men up the rigging without harnesses and hard hats, and they don't want them breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

N: " I never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

H: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

N: "What? This is mutiny!"

H: "No, it's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of Legal-Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

N: "How then are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

H: "Actually, sir, we're not"

N: "What??"

H: "No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And, according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in these waters. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

N: Devil take it, Hardy. You must hate every Frenchy as you would hate the Devil himself."

H: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You'll be up on a charge."

N: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King."

H: "Not any more, sir. We must all learn to be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, sir. It's the rules, and it could save your life."

N: "Don't tell me, Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

H: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on corporal punishment."

N: "What about sodomy?"

H: "I believe that it is now legal, sir."

N: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

Lydia Dustbin
5th Jun 2008, 14:06

It would have made a good two Ronnies sketch, or sadly as it is so true, the chuckle brothers!

5th Jun 2008, 14:18
Hey, that just gave me an idea for a thread: PC Gone Mad!!! Somebody start it up!

(I wonder how many threads I can append this to?)

5th Jun 2008, 14:33
:}Did you actually write this??

Very funny

5th Jun 2008, 14:55
It's been circulating for a while.

but funny -yes.

Standard Noise
5th Jun 2008, 14:56
Strikingly similar to the same thing written by Richard Littlejohn a couple of years ago.

5th Jun 2008, 20:04
No i didnt write it, i found it lurking around on my hard drive...

I think there is a place for Political correctness.....But it is being taken to such extremes beyond belief, that everybody is getting slightly jar'd off with it.

Dan D'air
5th Jun 2008, 20:40
Especially our Aussie mate Binos, someone should start a thread called "PC gone Mad".

Sir George Cayley
5th Jun 2008, 20:56
If I knew where your Hardy was Sir, I would kiss it :ok:

BTW I was on the Victory many years ago when the guide pointed out a Mahogany block with brass inscription.

"This is where Nelson fell" she said.

"Too right Pet" I replied "Tripped over it me self earlier!"

Alright alright I know.....

Sir George Cayley

5th Jun 2008, 21:46
IMO Nelson has been over-rated.
Ani fule no that the Battle of Tracklefackle was wonned by Cuthbert Collingwood . . .
Without Cuthbert, we would be speaking French (and eating cheese).
Collingwood took control of the ship (Royal Sovereign) and succeeded in defeating the French and Spanish enemy forces.
Had the Royal Navy lost the battle, Napoleon with his 115,000 troops based at Boulogne, would have swept across the channel and invaded England.
With Collingwood's help the British Navy did not lose a single ship at Trafalgar, and the country was saved from invasion.

5th Jun 2008, 22:38
Collingwood/Wikipedia led me to a link for my old school, which included (ah, nostalgia!) the old school song - an absolute cracker, as school songs go - along with the note:
The RGS school song was abolished by the current headmaster on the grounds that it is dated and gender-specific
Which seems to bring us back to the original topic.

Beatriz Fontana
6th Jun 2008, 06:26
No, wait there, from yesterday's Telegraph a chink of light in the PC and H&S madness:


A headmaster who says the H&S and compensation culture is turning children "bland". The story is summed up thus:

You help prevent drowning by teaching children to swim, not by putting up "no swimming" notices. Quite right too!

6th Jun 2008, 06:41
Aye, the little buggers should be running round naval vessels, keeping the guns supplied with powder, not wasting their time sitting in classrooms learning how to spell ballistics or calculate the fall of shot.

Brian Abraham
6th Jun 2008, 12:00
And all this time I've been thinking Nelson said "Kiss me? Hardly!!!"

6th Jun 2008, 14:14

The comments come just weeks after a 20-year-old former soldier was paralysed after jumping from a peer in Southsea.


Was he tried by a jury of his piers?

very old flyer
6th Jun 2008, 19:31
He actually said "Kismet, Hardy".

I was standing close enough to hear.