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winglit
2nd Jun 2008, 07:27
How can such an insignificant part of the human body cause so much pain?
I have a defective horny item making me limp.
So what's the solution? My appointment to see my GP is 5th Aug 2009, so I'm going to have to perform surgery on myself, just like they do on TV. I mean they remove bullets out of their bodies with pliers and then put a red hot poker in the hole. I'm just talking about a man's pedicure.

Here's what I think I need:
Anaesthetic - Bottle of whisky (12yr single malt)
Something to bite on like a sawn-off broom handle
Surgical instruments (leatherman)
Surgical instruments sterilising solution (bottle of whiskey - blended)
Ice to numb toe and essential for on the rocks.
Crystal tumbler

Any tips?

What have I missed?

Dan D'air
2nd Jun 2008, 07:35
This might help, you may as well read up on it first!!

www.britannica.com/eb/topic-45179/autotomy

tony draper
2nd Jun 2008, 07:45
Me old mum suffered from this malady, one of they chiropodist chaps would attend her every month or so, eventually she had the offending organs removed,dunno why they didn't suggest that in the first place,apparently we don't really need toenails because since we came down from the tree and took to wearing shoes the ends of our toes do not fray as much as they did in times past.
:cool:

Forkandles
2nd Jun 2008, 07:49
A few years ago I hobbled into the local A&E with an ingrowing big toenail. I'd been limping with it for a couple of weeks and had had enough. It was beginning to smell and had swollen up a bit. And was a funny colour...

They weren't that busy and within the hour a scruffy looking doctor showed up with a scalpel. Probably at the end of a 20 hour shift. Anyhow, the offending toenail was hacked off in just a few minutes. Come to think of it, it was a fat bloke with ginger hair, so it could've been a YTS'er doing some on the job training... I do remember there was a lot of blood. And pain. But I was back walking on it straight away minus a limp. It was sore for a bit, but not proper sore like what it were. :ok:

HotDog
2nd Jun 2008, 07:56
Go to Singapore and dusky maiden will painlessly extract your impediment:ok:
http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m246/adamtakach/P4120158.jpg

winglit
2nd Jun 2008, 07:59
Fingernails are very useful. Handy for picking one's nose, squeezing spots and opening cans of fizzy drinks.

The only use I can think of for toenails, is preventing the tops of your toes getting sunburnt whilst wearing flip flops.

Maybe I should hack 'em all off!

winglit
2nd Jun 2008, 08:02
That looks like a half round bastard.

Deano777
2nd Jun 2008, 08:04
winglit

Be very careful, I did "surgery" on myself some years ago on an ingrown toenail and I got it infected, the pain was 3 x as bad (if that was possible), the only solution is the op to have it removed, I did this, went through the op and the f*%&$"ing thing still grew back, I should have sued the NHS for negligence :}.
Luckily now my cricket & football seems to kill my toenails at regular intervals and they are always falling off, the one that was ingrown still grows inwards, and when it falls off I am amazed at how "deep" it goes.

tony draper
2nd Jun 2008, 08:11
In a cruel twist of fate in sproghood one squished the nail on one's right index finger,one has no recollection of exactly how this was done now,however this has resulted in said finger nail always growing in askew one has sort of two separate fingernail on one finger with a groove down the middle,the crool twist of fate being that this is the very finger nail one needs to grow long in order to play guitar claw hammer style successfully ,were it not for this minor deformity twould prolly be me up there on that stage instead of that Knopfler person.
:uhoh::rolleyes:
One was told by that chiropodist chap mentioned above that ingrowing toenails are very dangerous,they can cause gangrene to set in swifter than frostbite he advised if one had inherited the ingrowing toenail gene from one's mum to gerrem seen to immediately,the world is full of one legged chaps hopping about who ignored ingrowing toenails or tried to treat em themselves.
Fortunately one does not appear to have inherited this malady.
:)

Dan D'air
2nd Jun 2008, 08:15
I did the Nijmegen march a few times while I was still in the mob and seem to recall toenails falling off on a regular basis. Not exactly painful, but it definitely had the yuck factoer..................:\

Effluent Man
2nd Jun 2008, 08:43
Had two such nails removed twice.(Local+big pliers) Eventually I had them removed a third time and a chemical (I think Phenol) applied to the nail beds.This caused them to grow at a much slower rate.This was twenty years back.I used to play football and ended every week with a sock full of blood and a mushy toe end.I would advise against self surgury.If they get bad you will get an earlier appointment.Eventually I could barely walk.Only a 20 minute op though.

anotherthing
2nd Jun 2008, 09:07
Used to suffer from these often in my yoof, particularly on my big toe on my right foot.

Left it for ages until pain was unbearable and toe was smelly. Cue frogmarching to chiropodist by my mother.

Several appointments later it was sorted, though one painful appointment involved the needle of the aneasthetic snapping off whilst in my big toe - retrieved by a bit of digging around with some sharp instruments.

Taught me not to let it get so out of hand ever again!

G-CPTN
2nd Jun 2008, 10:20
I too used to suffer from an ingrowing nail on my big toe.
I would cut it back and pull out the slivers with pliers, but it would regrow with renewed vigour.
At one stage it became too painful for me to self-cure and the podiatrist at the GP's surgery sorted it but arranged for an operation to reduce the sides surgically (under local anaesthetic at the hospital). There was a couple of weeks when I had a bandage which prevented me from driving, but, since then I've had no further problem.
If you cannot get the op performed by the NHS, there's always the private option . . .
http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/html/ingrown_toenail_removal.html

green granite
2nd Jun 2008, 10:28
I too suffer on my big toe but only the last 1/4" so I can usually get a pair of small scissors with sharp points sufficiently far down the side to cut it back.

frostbite
2nd Jun 2008, 11:55
Yet another sufferer, but self treated up to now. There must be rhinos back in my family history.

eastern wiseguy
2nd Jun 2008, 12:20
Once had a trainee drop an Aldis lamp on my in growing toenail......talk about pain:mad::mad::mad:

brickhistory
2nd Jun 2008, 12:21
the injections were fing painful!

Amen, brother! Amen!

Solid Rust Twotter
2nd Jun 2008, 13:46
I only get them when forced to wear shoes for extended periods. Left to wander around bare foot the problem just never arises. Perhaps a shoe size larger may help.

It's Not Working
2nd Jun 2008, 17:33
Winglit - you did ask

http://www.metacafe.com/tags/ingrowing_toenail/

Been there myself, and apart from interfacing with the surgery ceiling when the doc put the local in it was only as painful as - er - an ingrowing toenail.

My advice, hop to it and get it removed.

Ozzy
2nd Jun 2008, 17:38
FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :yuk::yuk::yuk::yuk::yuk::eek::eek::uhoh:

Ozzy