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weido_salt
29th May 2008, 18:45
THE TALK....
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've
heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

A few onliners...

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

The McCartneys

But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f#ck off you b*astard'

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I bonked on my stag do, whilst your mate whipped me?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'


A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'.

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother'

Beatriz Fontana
29th May 2008, 18:52
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which meant he suffered from calluses. He also ate very little, which made him feel frail and have bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

OK, one more....

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

1DC
29th May 2008, 19:15
The Chinese are poised to take over the photgraphy business, they have just invented a shutter that can operate at 1,000,000th., of a second. To demonstare this fine achievement thay have produced the first photograph ever taken of a woman with her mouth shut...........

frostbite
29th May 2008, 20:12
Probably an old one but it's not quite Friday here.....

------------------------------------------------

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?


The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"


The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'


Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"


The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."


When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

frostbite
30th May 2008, 12:21
but the jokes don't improve....


On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the beach at Wanganui in his car, when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling frantically to free himself, from the jaws of a 5-metre shark.
As the Pope watched horrified, a Waka cruised up alongside with two men wearing All Black jerseys.

Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa 'Who the hell was that, bro?'

'That was the Pope cuz' Hohepa replied. 'He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'

'Well' Rangi said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know %[email protected]*[email protected] all about shark fishing .......... Is the bait holding up okay, or do
we need to get another Aussie?

ZH875
30th May 2008, 13:58
A young woman in Glasgow was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the River Clyde.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy if you'll keep me happy.

The girl nodded 'Yes', after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection she was discovered by the captain. What are you doing here? the captain asked. I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, she explained. I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me.

He certainly is, the captain said. This is the Arran Ferry.

niknak
30th May 2008, 14:44
When I left school I couldn't decide between being a barber or an author so I tossed a coin - what had I to lose? the outcome could only be heads or tails...........

boseuk
30th May 2008, 16:01
Did you hear about the essex girl who saw an irish man with L&R on his wellies?

She said "what's that all about" and he told her it meant he knew which one which one went on his left foot and which one on his right.

"Oh that's why I have C&A on me knickers then"

Hobo
1st Jun 2008, 05:23
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted afterbeing diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The surprised nurse, asked,

'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied,

'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.