View Full Version : I rather like this one

26th May 2008, 12:36
(Apologies to those who know this one by heart.)

From an Aussie mate of mine

Hi Mate,
I am writing to you, because I need your help to get me bloody pilot's
license back. You keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well,
now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody
desperate. But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last
flight review with the CAA Examiner.
On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA d_ckhead) seemed a reasonable sort of
bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two
years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property and let me
operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.
Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit
surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead, because
the ALA (Authorized Landing Area) is about a mile away. I explained that
because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient
than the ALA, and despite the power lines crossing about midway down the
strip it's really not a problem to land and takeoff, because at the halfway
point down the strip you're usually still on the ground.
For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had done the preflight
inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again.
Because the pr_ck was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three
times instead of my usual two.
My effort was rewarded because the color finally returned to Ron's cheeks.
In fact, they went a bright red.
In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine
the test flight with some farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves
from the home paddock to the main herd. After a bit of a chase I finally
caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol' Cessna 172. We
climbed aboard, but Ron started gettin' onto me about weight and balance
calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a
waste of time because, calves like to move around a bit particularly when
they see themselves 500 feet off the ground! So, its bloody pointless
trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he
shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we
remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.
Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by
tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500 rpm. I then discovered
that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody
headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded I
account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a
screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel
selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter
because it's jammed on 'All tanks', so I suppose that's okay.
However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the noise on
vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask, which I keep in a beaut
little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My
explanation seemed to relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and
kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out, but
unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. "Hell" I thought,
"not the starboard wheel chock again." The bump jolted Ron back to full
alertness. He looked wildly around just in time to see a rock thrown by the
prop wash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new
Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble," I thought.
While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we
taxi to the ALA, and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say
a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off
point, then he bloody screamed his head off. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
"Now take it easy, Ron" I told him firmly. "That often happens on takeoff
and there is a good reason for it." I explained patiently that I usually
run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon
or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I
siphoned in a few gallons off super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a
few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but
in general it works just fine, if you know how to coax it properly.
Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my flight test. He
pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer. (I
didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days.) I selected some nice music
on the HF radio to help him relax.
Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet. I don't
normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because, as you know
getting Fax access out here is a friggin' joke and the bloody weather is
always 8/8 blue anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340, I
might have to change me thinking on that. Anyhow, on leveling out I noticed
some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. I hate bloody camels, and
always carry a loaded 303 clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case
I see any of the bastards.
We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to
have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out,
the effect on Ron was friggin' electric. As I fired the first shot his neck
lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo.
He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on
full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost
concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port
tire. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko
animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem
with the tire.
Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter
pilot trick.
Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full
flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500 feet down to 500
feet at 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little
needle rushing up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate! About
halfway through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves
gracefully suspended in mid air an d mooing like crazy. I was going to
comment on this unusual sight, but Ron looked a bit green and had rolled
himself into the fetal position and was screamin' his freakin' head off.
Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should've been there, it was so
bloody funny!
At about 500 feet I leveled out, but for some reason we continued sinking.
When we reached 50 feet I applied full power but nothin' happened; no noise
no nothin'. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying
"carby heat, carby heat". So I pulled carby heat on and that helped quite a
lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really
close, let me tell you!
Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at
that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and
suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. BJ, you would've been bloody proud of me
as I didn't panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider
an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (Something I've been
meaning to do for a while now).
Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened
wide, very wide, but no sound emerged.
"Take it easy," I told him. "we'll be out of this in a minute." Sure
enough, about a minute later we emerge; still straight and level and still
at 50 feet.
Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept
thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set
the QNH when we were taxiing." This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a
nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again.
By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip
between them. "Ah!" I thought, "there's an omen. We'll land right there."
Knowing that the tire problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of
steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud
in me ear that I cut its circuit breaker to shut it up, but by then I knew
we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75 foot final and put
her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always thought you could
only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again!
Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of humor.
Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it. He couldn't stop. We
finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the
aircraft like there was no tomorrow.
I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of
laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the
port tire with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that
Ron really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft. Can
you believe it? The last time I saw him he was off into the distance, arms
flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he
had been confined to a psychiatric institution - poor bugger!
Anyhow, mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I just got a letter
from CAA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have
undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another
flight proficiency test. Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over
the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can't
see what else I did that was so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me
flamin' license. Can you?