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garp
24th May 2008, 19:43
than you'll probably enjoy this one too....

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at the 2006 chili cook-off in San Antonio , Texas .
Please note, Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL



Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was

assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't

be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer!

during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI



Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI



Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI



Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from

all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC



Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer

maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is

starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is

chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER



Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my

lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to

stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY



Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it

will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me

except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI



Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am

worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as

he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the

4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot chili?



Judge # 3 - No Report

Blacksheep
24th May 2008, 20:11
Homer knows how to deal with this judging business, but it isn't a good idea to to try his method.

hoss58
25th May 2008, 08:30
Garp. (Sound of Hoss wiping tears away) that has made my day. Only problem is i don't know if i will ever be able to eat chilli again.:confused:

Fly safe and play hard.

Regards to all.

Hoss 58

ArthurR
25th May 2008, 08:38
Garp, Thanks for an excellent start to Sunday, still wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes. :ok::O

Little Blue
25th May 2008, 09:47
I totally agree with Blacksheep....
Homers method of lining his mouth with melted wax won't suit all competitors....
Come to think of it, it didn't do much for him, either !

cats_five
25th May 2008, 10:16
ROFL!

Reckon Judge 3 would like my chilli, judges 1 & 2 would dismiss it as 'a mince, bean & veg stew with the faintest possible hint of chilli'!