View Full Version : SQ Jokes
I heard this recently at a drinking session, and the one who told me this was far from drunk!
Three SQ pilots, an Australian Captain, a Malaysian Captain and a Singaporean F/O were floating adrift on a life raft, after crashing into the South China Sea. Suddenly, they spotted a bottle floating towards them. The kiasu Australian reached for it and grabbed it. A gennie suddenly appeared and told them that she (the gennie) would grant them each a wish.
The Australian Captain, said he wanted McCully's job, as he was sick of the hazards flying (you never can tell when you'll crash into the sea again) and Vooooomp, he vanished and McCully took the Australian's place on the raft, cursing like hell!
The Singapore F/O quickly snatched the bottle and wished he wanted to take over De Vaz's job (he felt that De Vaz was in there too long flying a desk) and Voooomp, he too disappeared and De Vaz found himself plane- wrecked floating in the South China Sea, not knowing what had happened to his beautiful job.
The bottle naturally fell onto the Malaysian Captain, and he said to the gennie, "Whenever, there is a plane crash in SQ, they always blame it on a Malaysian. I don't want to be blammed!"
The gennie asked him, "You think, you can do a fairer and better job?"
"Sure", he replied and Vooooomp, the Malaysian Captain disappeared. Dr Chueng found himself on the raft with De Vaz and McCully. "I always believed the Malaysians are responsible for these things in SQ!" said Dr Cheung.
A beautiful Singapore Girl, was serving a 1st Class passenger, so she remembered what her Trainer told her, to mind her Ps and Qs.
She really impressed the 1st Class passenger, by her sweet smile and impeccable service, so much that he wanted to find out why would a nice girl like her be working as a Stewardess, let alone in SQ. So he decided to ask her:
"What were you doing before you joined SQ?"
"Study, lor"
"What a waste!", he remarked.
"Cannot meh?" she rebutted.
And another one,
Singapore Girl: "Would you like a snake?"
Passenger: No, goodness, no thank you!
In the galley:
Singapore Girl: I wonder why nobody wants those snakes?
In-Flight Supervisor: Those are snacks, not snakes you fool!
ultrajetfuel
6th Mar 2001, 17:50
Lee,
First, you are not a SQ pilot. If you are, you are very unhappy with your current employer.
Second, you could very well be a rude individual.
Third, why even start to get personal. Your jokes are a little overboard.
Fourth, it is genie and not gennie.
Fifth, have you been jilted by a SQ girl? I think not!
Last, I seriously hope you are not an SQ pilot and if you are, I sure hope you keep your Lee username just to yourself. If it gets out, it will be very fun especially at STC.
BTW, why are you so desperate to find out who WLT is? Is he a SQ FO?
Have a nice day.
Speedrabbit
7th Mar 2001, 05:35
Come on ultrajetfuel....it's just a joke. Easy man.
ultrajetfuel,
speedrabbit is right. it is just a joke. anyway, Lee is harmlessly enjoying himself on pprune so let him be.
i am happy to be a bus driver and let's just stop at that.
WLT
Frying Dutchman
7th Mar 2001, 20:13
Bus drivers are called captains now.
0.88M
10th Mar 2001, 17:00
Why did the CEO extend his tenure?
Definitly not for his good 'deeds'
KaptainKangaroo
11th Mar 2001, 08:28
Whenever someone tells a joke, there's always a guy like ultrajetfuel that comes along and ruin the moment.
buzzoff dude.
Slasher
12th Mar 2001, 04:59
One bright sunny dry season afternoon Harry Lee and Goh CT decided to hire a chopper and flit around the island while they discussed policy. The helicopter pilot was a guailo Aussie which didnt go down well with the politicians, but time was short so they went anyway.
What Harry and Goh wanted to do was make Singapore a happy place. They debated wether they should take another helicopter later that day and start throwing money out all over the Republic. "No lah!" said Harry. "Throw out one million in one bundle and make one Singaporean very happy!" Goh said "Aiyo! We should throw out one million $1 notes and make one million Singaporeans just a bit happy." Harry piped "How can what? There more than one million Singaporeans. Some miss out lah!"
Arguing, they looked at the Australian. "Hey guailo! yelled Harry "can you help us one? Goh want throw out from helicopter one million dollar notes and make one million Singaporean little happy lah. I want throw out from helicopter one million dollar one bundle and make one Singaporean very happy. What to do ah?"
The Aussie turned around and said "I know how I can make each and every Singaporean very very happy."
"How then? Throw out many bundle of million dollars? " they asked.
"No, throw both you b@stards out!"
Here's another SQ Joke:
A Singapore Girl wanted to impress her expat boyfriend (read foreign talent is better) of two hours, so she decided to go to an upmarket Karaoke lounge (she wasn't intending to pay, so who cares!) to sing her favourite song.
She requested the Manager to put on the lyrics of her favourite song, "Ah Cheng Chiak Loti". The Manager, seeing the Singapore Girl losing her cool, very apologetically said, "Sorry Miss, no have this title, how about another song, Miss?"
The Singapore Girl, now very pissed off and wanted to show her boyfriend, what she learnt about Service Quality and all that crap, said to the Manager, "What type of Karaoke Lounge, is this? Popular hit, also don't have?"
The Mangaer, then hit upon an idea and showed her the file of song titles.
In an explosive elation, she screamed, "Here it is!"
The title read, "Unchained Melody". The Singapore Girl, announced, "Song 747, "Ah Cheng Chiak Loti".
The Manager apologised (in an SQ fashion), Oh I'm so sorry!
At an Singapore Girl interview room:
Interviewer: Can you please make a sentence with the following words: Green, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple and Black?
Singapore Girl Wannabe: No problem, here it is:
Green, Green, the telephone ring, so I Pink up the phone and ask, Yellow? Blue's that? Ah yah 'long (wrong) number, don't Purplely disturb people and don't call Black ok?
Interviewer: Your England very tok kong (fantastic) one! Welcome abload (aboard)!
What do you call a homosexual pilot?
Ans: Gay
What do you call a Chinese SQ gay pilot?
Ans: Chingay
At a hawker centre, a Singapore Girl and her expat boyfriend, came across the Hawker , Cleanliness Ratings, A, B, C, and D.
Boyfriend: Wonder what those friggin letters mean?
Singapore Girl: Very easy one, D stands for delicious, C stands for Can Eat, B for Buay Sai (Cannot) Eat and A for Alahmak (Oh my God!)
A Singapore Girl and her American boyfriend were at the 10th floor and were taking the lift to descend to the Ground Floor. The American boyfriend, saw that the lift did not have a 1st floor but a "G" button. Puzzled, he said they should take the lift to the 2nd Floor and then walk down.
Just then, the Singapore Girl pressed the "G" button and when they reached the ground floor. The American boyfriend was impressed by her cleverness. She replied, "Very simple one mah, "G" stands for "Gero mah!"
[This message has been edited by Lee (edited 12 March 2001).]
And to celebrate my 100th posting, hope all of you will enjoy this:
I am currently rated with 4 SQ girls:
The first one is a Mega Top,
The second is a Big Top,
The third is an Air Bus(t),
and the fourth is what I call Jackpot (777)!
Ultrajetfuel,
I'm sorry, you're wrong, I have never been jilted by any SQ girl before. BTW, the one thing I love aout SQ, is that they really have a beautiful Singapore Girl fleet, and I currently rated in all four!
Gladiator
13th Mar 2001, 05:56
Mr. Lee, but are you rated on the following model variations?
1- Japanese
2- Korean
3- Taiwanese
4- Malaysian
5- Indian
6- Mainland Chinese
7- Indonesian
I have the rating in all 7 variations. I am also rated on the blue, green and red. Due to brown being rare, I do not hold a brown rating (do not want to either).
Gladiator,
I'm only rated in three variants, viz,
1. Malaysians
2. Japanese
3. Taiwanese
and in only two colour schemes,
Blue and Green. But I really prefer the Ninja turtles, they're more matured and really know how to party (read f**k).
Working hard in improving my type (SG) ratings.
P.S. Have you done it on flight. I did so a few times. And I must say, as the SQ Ad says: It's a great way to fly. Cheers.
Gladiator
13th Mar 2001, 20:38
Done it on the flight! You are not Rambo Tan are you?
That information I am afraid is need to know bases. If I tell you then I would have to kill you.
Gladiator,
No, I'm not Rambo Tan. Don't worry, you needn't post anything you don't want to. I'll respect your confidentiality (read score).
Gladiator,
Oh, and how could I forget the SP (Special Performance) rating.
I once spent 49 hours (in a hotel room) with an SP Singapore Girl, and she was really a great performance (on bed).
Singapore Girl: You're a great way to fly!
Here's another SQ Joke:
SIA was celebrating being awarded Second Best Airline in the World (a bit sore, but still better than nothing). Lee Kuan Yew decided to invite Tun Seri Dr Mahatir (let's call him Dr M) since MAS was never on that list (of Best Airlines!).
Dr M: Lee, I always wanted to ask you why SIA is always on the top, er (correcting himself) or at least near the top airline?
Lee: Very simple, see I will show you why. And snapping his fingers, Dr Chueng came running to SM Lee.
Dr Chueng: Yes sir?
Lee: Who is your father's son?
Dr Chueng: It's me.
Lee: Very Good, that's all.
Lee: See Mat, I put a good CEO to run the airline.
Dr M, then returned to KL and wanted to test his men at the helm of MAS. So he summoned Tan Sri Azizam and Mohd Nor to his office.
Dr M: Azizam and Nor, I want to ask you both a simple question.
Azizan & Nor: Sure, Boss!
Dr M: Who is your father's son?
Azizan & Nor looked at each other and realised that this is no simple question. So Azizan said to Dr M, "Please give us three days and we will give you a 3-page report.
Dr M felt it was a reasonable request, so long as they gave the correct answer.
Three days later, and they still couldn't come up with the answer. So Azizam, called Dr M, "Boss, can you give us another three days, because we have been researching so much that we require another three days to write the report. Dr M felt this was reasonable and he was sure they will come up with the correct answer anyway.
When the three days came up, Azizam told Dr M that they didn't know the answer. Dr M was so furious with them and said that it was no why MAS never became Best Airline in the World. Dr M told them, "It's Dr Chueng, you fools! I think I better run MAS from now on!"
An Australian SQ F/O had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years (yes, all the other crew had been rescued a decade ago, but don't ask me about his assluck).
One morning, he woke up and found a young beautiful woman floating on a barrel towards the beach. The barrel washed ashore and the girl came towards the pilot.
"Hi, there" said the girl. "How long have you been here?"
"Ten years" said the Australian SQ F/O.
"Then, I'll give you something you haven't had for a long time."
"Fantastic! cried the Australian SQ F/O, "Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel!"
Another one:
An SQ Captain was dining in a posh restaurant with his date (a darling, he picked up on the last flight).
Captain N: Waiter!
Waiter: Yes, sir?
Captain N: Look at the chicken you just served me. One wing is shorter than the other.
Waiter: Sir, are you planning to eat it or fly with it?
Sick Squid
16th Mar 2001, 08:37
Lee,
A word of advice... your day job; don't give it up.
;)
Sick Squid
Far East Forum Moderator
Jubilee777
16th Mar 2001, 15:03
Lee, super kewl man :-) makes my day :-)
Wld it b ok if i email u?
Jubilee777,
Sure, be my guest.
Hypoxia999
17th Mar 2001, 10:43
Lee,
Agree with SIck Squid that you should not give up your day job. Jokes getting a little stale here....mostly local and lacking international appeal.
You and Gladiator are doing a "one-upmanship" over the Singapore Girl. The image is tarnished somewhat lately by the low entry salary which could not attract the more sophisticated beauties with brains.
Hence, the current models are easy targets for check-rides and abused by rating clinchers whose escapades are blasted on this thread. Ever wonder if others will take you seriously, jokes aside.
Slasher
17th Mar 2001, 14:15
Lee if its any help to you, that TV show Phua Chu Kang was never ever funny except to you locals.
ultrajetfuel
18th Mar 2001, 07:50
PCK is probably not funny to expats and foreigners. By the same token, comedy/humor from other parts of the world is not necessarily enjoyable to people from the far east. In Rome do what the romans do. I remember this Australian or British guy that was stabbed and died ay Newton Circus because he was behaving like he was in his homeland. Sad but message delivered. Sensibly speaking: if you like it, stay. If not, leave. Never impose your values and beliefs onto others.
Good day.
Ultrajetfuel,
Thanks for your opinion, but please take it easy. Go easy, it's a great way to fly.
Here's another one:
At at SQ Captain-In-take interview.
An outstanding Captain (lets call him Captain Sakit Sotong) wanted to join SQ as a line Captain.
At the end of the tea party interview, McCully asked Capt Sakit Sotong at what salary he would expect, should he be hired.
Capt Sakit Sotong said "In the vicinity of S$150,000"
McCully replied, "What would you say if we gave you a company car, 30 days vacation, children's education allowance, first-calss tickets for the family...."
And Maurice De Vaz interrupted, "And we let you choose your routes and plan your schedules And of course you needn't attend the ARM! What do you say Capt?"
"You got to be kidding!" replied Capt Sakit Sotong.
"Of course!" replied McCully, "But you started it!"
Another one:
A Malaysian SQ Captain complained to his F/O who was a Singaporean pilot, "I had it all... money, a magnificent condo, a Mercedes S class, a beautiful Taiwanese mistress... Then suddenly, everything was gone." "What happened Sir? asked the F/O?
"My wife found out!" said the Malaysian Captain sadly!
In the old days when SQ had Flight Engineers on their 747 fleet.
An SQ F/E died and was sent to hell by mistake. Hell was so uncomfortable, so the F/E installed air-conditioning, flush toilets, automated doors, lifts etc, to make life in hell more bearable.
One day God phoned Satan to ask him how things were in hell. "Your F/E has been making all kinds of improvements in Hell, and soon this place would be like Heaven, I want you to send him up to Heaven right now!"
"Sure", said God. But God looked everywhere and He couldn't find any SQ pilot, let alone any pilot in Heaven, to send the F/E to Heaven.
P.S. But this was a long time ago, I'm sure there will be some SQ pilots in Heaven in the future.
The difference between you and the people on the 4th Floor:
When you don't fly, you are lazy or guilty of malingering. If De Vaz or McCully doesn't fly, they are busy.
When you take off from the wrong runway, you are an idiot,(and they want your arse on a plate!) If De Vaz or McCully takes off from the wrong runway, it's only a mistake and he's only human.
If you do something without being told, you're being too smart (and the 4th Floor people don't like smart pilots). But when De Vaz or McCully or Dr Chueng act overstepping their authority, they are exercising their initiative.
If you screw a Singapore Girl, they say you must have harassed her or are guilty of behaviour unbecoming of a pilot. When De Vaz or McCully screws the Singapore Girl, he's doing a Check Ride.
The list goes on... but the point is until you get onto the 4th Floor, thread carefully.
smith
20th Mar 2001, 05:10
Sick Squid:
I am getting sick and tired of the bs that Lee is posting here. Please close this thread or move it to Jetblast.
Highlander744
20th Mar 2001, 07:43
Roger that, SMITH.............
Our friend is turning into a veLEE silLEE bilLEE.
See, it's not difficult to tell BAD jokes.
[This message has been edited by Highlander744 (edited 20 March 2001).]
Sick Squid
20th Mar 2001, 11:15
Lee,
Thank you for your valuable contribution to cultural awareness and tolerance. As I firmly believe that the best form of moderation is self-moderation (just like abuse, really) and the 'gallery' have now spoken several times, here comes the padlock.
For the record, I mused long and hard over whether to let your "let's make fun of the accents" jokes stay, and you got far more Lee-way (bugger me! A comedian!) than you deserved due to your locale.
As I hinted much earlier... do not, under any circumstances give up your day job. Please. A life of stand up will NOT pay the bills for you.
Now, I think it's safe to say that we can take off those girdles, folks; good job I've been wearing mine, otherwise I fear my sides would have split at the hilarity.
Next!
Sick Squid
Far East Forum Moderator
[This message has been edited by Sick Squid (edited 20 March 2001).]