View Full Version : I get amusing e-mails from friends - here's one I thought you'd enjoy

29th Mar 2008, 09:58
Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London

I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

29th Mar 2008, 10:22
You do realise, don't you 6Z3, that you have now justified the dismantling of a very large part of the civil service, to be replaced by something not much more sophisticated than an ATM machine?:ok:

Sempre 206
29th Mar 2008, 10:35
On the other hand, you could use the letter as the basis for an argument in favour of national ID cards - recoils in horror!:eek:

29th Mar 2008, 10:46
Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,



N Joe
29th Mar 2008, 12:20
A phone call I received a couple of years ago from the Med Centre:

"Hello sir, I'm just phoning to confirm your appointment at Brize Norton"
"I didn't know I had a medical appointment at Brize"
"They would have told you about it the last time you went"
"I haven't been to Brize in ages....
and why would I go to their Med Centre when we've got one here?"
"It's not the to go to the Med Centre, sir, it's to see the psychologist again"
"I've never seen a psychologist"
"Don't you remember the nice people you were talking to about your problems?"
"I'm not mad!"

This was followed by the worrying realisation that "that's what they all say" and perhaps I was going mad and had actually forgotten. Fortunately, in a sane moment I asked to speak to the SNCO IC who confirmed I wasn't mad and that they had confused me with someone with a similar surname. Not the SAME surname, just similar!

Perhaps if we were all allocated a unique Service Number we could avoid such confusion!

N Joe

29th Mar 2008, 13:41
Is the point of the original letter that he WANTS the government to know this much about him and to have that information readilly available? :uhoh:

29th Mar 2008, 13:51
Is the point of the original letter that he WANTS the government to know this much about him and to have that information readilly available?

I agree completely. I for one would be extremely worried if they knew everything about me.

29th Mar 2008, 14:11
To Aaaaaa......
"Is the point of the original letter that he WANTS the government to know this much about him and to have that information readilly available?"

No, the point is that the government already has the information requested but still has to ask for it.
The traditional whine "why doesn`t the government do something about it ?"has resulted in a huge bureaucratic monster that even Orwell could not have foreseen.
Here in social democratic heaven I read that about 40 per cent of the working population are employed by the state.
Just wait, you have not seen anything yet.

Flap 5
29th Mar 2008, 14:12
... but he did apologize at one point and say he wasn't himself that morning.

29th Mar 2008, 16:33
Just try opening a Savings Account with a UK Bank or Building Society that you don't already have some kind of account with!

Windy Militant
29th Mar 2008, 17:41
Try taking money out of your own bank. You need three types of photo ID, a utility bill and both parents and still they're not sure.
Yet during a recent spate of thefts from offices at work, one individual lost a grand from his account in less than twenty minutes, this included the thief driving six miles from our site to the bank to make the withdrawal. :ugh:

Wigan Warrior
29th Mar 2008, 17:46
An excerpt from a letter to B&Q (DIY)....

“My congratulations to you on getting a yacht to leave the UK on 28th November 2004 sail 27,354 miles around the world and arrive back 72 days later.
Could you please let me know when the kitchen I ordered 96 days ago will be arriving from your warehouse 13 miles away?

Dick Fisher
30th Mar 2008, 17:48
My lady wife is approaching retirement age, so thought that she would check with the appropriate people to find out what her pension entitlement would be.

During our time together, we must have filled out dozens of tax assessment forms, mortgage applications, life insurance applications, census forms (and the like), where our marital status was disclosed. However, the bureaucrat she dealt with was more than a little surprised to find that my wife had married me over 30 years ago as their records showed only the previous marriage!

So based on this small example of the state working hard on our behalf, I have come to the conclusion that whatever they force on us in the way of identity cards, biometric passports etc., we shouldn't worry. Because even when they've got the data, they still won't know how to use it to give us some semblance of joined-up government!:ugh:

2nd Apr 2008, 07:06
About 15 years ago the company I worked for sent out a letter to each and every employee asking them to confirm, for the data protection act, that the information held was correct.

The only thing they had right was my name, date of birth and address.

They even had me down as married (never have been) and the "next of kin" was another persons wife.

Not bad for a police force.

2nd Apr 2008, 07:33
It wasn't this force was it?


They dawn raided and arrested a bloke as his fingerprints were on a door. Fair enough except he was the worker who replaced the lock & door after the burglary.

a police spokesman said: “We didn’t know he was a locksmith.”

2nd Apr 2008, 10:03
Mrs Wader last year received 12 notices of coding for 07/08 from 3 different tax offices two in the same building - was was HMRC and a later one from HMIR.

She also received 10 letters from the pensions people in Newcastle, one per day, over two weeks.

I received a notice from my tax office asking how much I earned per week and the name and address of my employer. The answer to the first was 'no idea' (sod if I was going to take my salary, times 12, divide 52) and as for my employer, who did they think was paying them my income tax every month?

Dan D'air
2nd Apr 2008, 10:51
who did they think was paying them my income tax every month?

You should try what I do. I work for a Spanish company on a Singaporean passport but live (temporarily at least) in the UK and get paid in Euros into Gibraltar. The Spanish government think I pay tax here, the UK government think that I pay tax in Spain, I have spent so long on the 'phone trying to sort it out that I am no longer bothered and reckon that I will be retired before they even begin to have some semblance of joined up Government!!

2nd Apr 2008, 14:00
I went into the Post Office in the next village (ours, the only one in our village which doubled as a corner shop closed down some months ago) to get £40 of saving stamps for my car tax and a book of postage stamps as prescribed by tinbashette. Ever helpful she had already made out the cheque for me to sign and also provided me with a £5 note to buy the postage stamps. She does it like this because being a man (she says) I can't do 2 things at once properly, so she tries to make it simple for me.

So off I went, oh by the way, I'm doing this little task because I've "retired, I'm layabout with little on my mind" and also because the boss doesn't have to queue herself in the PO in the next town. Arriving at the PO, which is located in a Nisa, the proper one closing down some time ago, I approached the queuing lane, observed there were 15 folks in front of me and then counted the number of counter operatives. There were three. OK I thought, most likely be here about 30 minutes so busied myself reading the adverts on the walls, picked my fingers a bit, looked around the shop awhile and generally contented myself, after all, I was doing top level work here, and then I saw the cash machine. Grrrrr, I snarled inwardly, I bet one has to pay to get ones money out of that thing, and I don't do that type of machine, ever, no way!

Time passed and I shuffled on and eventually a voice broke into my coma, "can I help sir?" OMG, I'd reached the front of the queue!

"Yes please, I'd like £40 worth of saving stamps with this cheque, and a book of postage stamps with the £5 note"

'I'm sorry sir, but you cannot pay for the saving stamps with the cheque.'

"Why not? We always do it like this"!

'Sorry Sir, it's not allowed any more."

"Why's that then"? (said I, blood pressure just reaching 160/75)

'Because it's not allowed any more sir, money laundering' He reaches for a big black book, checks it, and says 'that's right, money laundering.'

"What? (BP 190/85) What utter nonsence, so I'm going to launder £40 worth of my own money then on saving stamps that I can only use in the Post Office to buy stuff like car tax etc"?

' That's it sir, but you have a choice."

"Do I indeed, and just what that might be"?

'You can leave the queue sir and get £40 out of the cash machine over there, then I can serve you, or you can come back when you have other means to pay'.

As you can imagine, I was pretty incensed at this point, my head was pounding, and I imagine the BP machine would have exploded if I'd been connected to it.

"So, you want me to leave the queue, use the cash machine at cost, rejoin the queue, wait till I reach the front again and then you'll serve me. that's one of my choices. Right?"

' Yes sir, there are other people waiting you know.'

"OK, fine, thank's so much for your help, I do have another choice and I'm about to employ it, no wonder these places are closing down. I'll go somewhere else, good day!"

I then looked to my left and right and realised that the folks around me had really enjoyed the entertainment. OK, if I've brought a smile to someone's face, then that's good, and it's made my day.

I do have a conscience, and it's pricking me now as I write this, the guy was only doing his job. All he needed to explain really, because I'm sure this is the only issue, that the Post Office were declining to accept cheques along with virtually every other shop/outlet in the country.

Moreover, I suspect from the Goverment/PO point of view, since pensions and a lot of other things have been transferred to other outlets or online, it's just part of the big scam to restrict their business so that they can close them all down without much argument.

I did actually get my savings stamps by the way, in the next village PO where the server didn't know the rules or could not have cared less!

Next time I'll have some painting to do!


2nd Apr 2008, 19:33
Or some laundry.;)

Pinky the pilot
3rd Apr 2008, 03:57
My Late Father worked as a Law Clerk after WW11 service and once told me of an incident concerning the hassles a retired Lutheran Minister had with a few Government Departments here in South Australia.

The usual things, one Dept failing to communicate with the other, losing completed forms and requesting another to be completed etc etc.

The retired Minister finally had enough and accompanied the resubmitted forms with a somewhat caustic letter expressing his annoyance at the departments handling of his case. He finished the letter with the following, written in large letters...

''Please do not involve me in your inter-departmental bureaucratic bungling!"

Apparently a somewhat apologetic reply from the respective departmental heads arrived shortly thereafter.

Brian Abraham
3rd Apr 2008, 04:22
A story I liked. New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.

He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA,took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved.

3rd Apr 2008, 22:49
Here's another:

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client

Remember: This is said to have been written by a 98 year old woman; BUT WHATEVER AGE, DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!?)

4th Apr 2008, 02:30
Said to have been printed in the Grauniad...

>>Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next
to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking faÎade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations

Brian Abraham
4th Apr 2008, 05:44
This one is a true story. See for background. http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.asp

INTERNET: http://www.deq.state.mi

December 17, 1997


Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.


David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division


Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize, their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy, or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem: bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Stephen L. Tvedten

9th Apr 2008, 18:11
True email sent to the force, lengthy but absolutely brilliantly written.....

Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith
police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the
idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to
pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke
signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just
off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play
a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the
force of a meteorite.
This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire
This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through
several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a
saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I
fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side
between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their
own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would
even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far
more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just
finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This
will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.


PC ???
Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these
details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own
community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your
covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell
Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone
deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with
the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like
a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are
headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim
without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman
to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to
these twats that they might want to play their strange football game
elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both
within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department.

10th Apr 2008, 08:50
Why I was Fired!

For the last company picnic, management had decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.


I ordered the cups...