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sailor
28th Mar 2008, 16:23
This may do for starters -


A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round
> of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a
> beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
> She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of
> golf
> had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could
> join them.
>
> Naturally, the guys all agreed.
>
> Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a
> topless
> bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want
> to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do
> anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.
>
> But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try
> to
> coach me on how to play my shots."
>
> With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
> All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball
> on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the
> middle, right in front of the green.
> the father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde
> put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it
> a little."
>
> After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde
> took out
> an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
> (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that
> perfectly."
>
> The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven
> would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then
> tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
>
> Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck
> out
> of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of
> the
> fairway.
>
> For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the
> guys,
> quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
>
> When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and
> had
> a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
>
> She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for
> not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or
> how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to
> break 70 on this c ourse. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on
> this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old
> Single
> Malt Strath mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a
> very good time the rest of the night.
>
> The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
> carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about
> 6
> inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that
> little hump and break right into the cup.
>
> The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
> Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to
> the
> right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the
> cup.
>
> The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked
> it up and handed it to h er and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."
>
> The blond smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
>
>
> OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME !!!!!

seekayess
28th Mar 2008, 17:46
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars (after they have accumulated enough frequent flier miles). Here, they meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.


Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.


'Just how do you two do it?' asks Maureen.


'Pretty much the way you do.' the Martian responds.


A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the night and experience one another's styles!


Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a quarter inch think.


'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen!

'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?'


'Well,' she replies, 'It's just not long enough to reach me!'


'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.


With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite impressively long.


'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'


'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman!


'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad, passionate love.


The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good'


'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was pretty wonderful! How about you'


'It was horrible,' he replies, 'all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!'

asdaasbo
28th Mar 2008, 17:49
An Army guy, a navy guy and a raf guy are sat in the bar.

Army guy- "my wife is so stupid, she's just bought a car and she can't even drive"

navy guy shakes his head and replies, "my wifes so stupid she's ordered a swimming pool to be builtn the back garden and she can't even swim"

raf guy- " i can beat both of those, my wife has just gone on holiday for two weeks to ibiza and taken 100 condoms and she hasn't even got a c#?k :p

SOTV
28th Mar 2008, 17:49
Man said to his wife,

'I had a wet dream about you last night'.

'Did you?', she asked coyly while gently blushing.

'Yes', he said. 'You were hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

:E

asdaasbo
28th Mar 2008, 17:53
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

Noah Zark.
28th Mar 2008, 20:01
God said to Adam, "Adam I want you to do
something for me."


Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"


God said, "Go down into that valley."


Adam said, "What's a valley?"


God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."


Adam said, "What's a river?" !


God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."


Adam said, "What is a hill?"


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"


Adam said, "What's a cave?"


! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."


Adam said, "What's a woman?"


So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."


Adam said, "How do I do that?"


God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !


And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.


Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"


And Adam said


*


*


*


*


*





*


"What's a headache?"






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ken Wells
28th Mar 2008, 21:54
Terminal 5 a great success says Wille Walsh, BAA have been very well organised!!!!:D

S'land
28th Mar 2008, 22:17
25 signs you've grown up:

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

Standard Noise
28th Mar 2008, 22:33
A man walks into a bar, sees a gorgeous woman and says 'I'd love to get into your knickers.'
She says, 'No thanks mate I've already got one arsehole in there.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Priest walking along a cliff sees a little boy standing there crying and asks him what's wrong.
'My mummy and daddy just went off the cliff in the car and smashed onto the rocks,' says the boy.
Priest unbuttons his flies and says, 'just not your day, is it sonny?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Naughty little boy not doing very well at school so his parents take him out of the local primary and put him in a catholic primary school. Within weeks he's top of the class in everything and his behaviour has improved immensely. His father asks him 'why are you doing so well?'
Boy says, 'well dad, I walked in on the first day, saw that guy nailed to a cross and figured this wasn't the kind of place to f**k around!'

Fly-by-Wife
28th Mar 2008, 23:29
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
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Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Handgun have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

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Republican's Answer: BANG!

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Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

(Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Arm out the window
29th Mar 2008, 02:36
A missionary had lived amongst a primitive tribe for over a year doing his best to spread the word.
Generally relations with the natives had been good, but one day the chief angrily called the missionary to his hut. Upon entering, the furious-looking chief poked a spear at his chest and said "You in big trouble!"
The missionary, perplexed, asked what he was supposed to have done.
"Favourite wife just have baby," said the chief, "and it WHITE! You only white man tribe ever see, so now you die!"
"Now just hold on a minute," said the missionary, wondering how best to explain the concept of albinos. Then an idea struck him. Taking the chief outside to the goat pens, he pointed out a white nanny goat with a black kid suckling. "Just look at this," he said, but just as he was launching into his explanation, the chief lowered the spear and hung his head in shame.
"OK," he said, "I forget about you and wife, you don't tell anyone about goat!"

bulolobob
29th Mar 2008, 10:04
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, ! for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............

er340790
31st Mar 2008, 00:03
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried; with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied........ "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

The Nr Fairy
31st Mar 2008, 19:09
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

-------------------------------------

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 ...

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

ZH875
1st Apr 2008, 16:59
A Polish guy drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Poland our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same glass twice'

A Pakistani, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Pakistan we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.'

A British guy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pole and the Pakistani and catches his glass.

He says, 'In Britain we now have that many Pakistanis and Poles that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

rondun
1st Apr 2008, 20:20
I had a nasty car accident the other day.

I smashed right into the back of one of those new Skodas.

It was terrible - there was sponge and jelly all over the place!!!