View Full Version : Friday Joke Time

28th Mar 2008, 14:42
From a Scottish pal. Scottish slaggings.

She had a f*nny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than sooty!

Shes got a face like a dog lickin pi*h off a nettle.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldnt do her with a rusty pole

mair chins than a chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

she has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like sha*gin a pail of water.

It's like sha*gin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more co*ks than a fowl butcher

fa*ny like a ripped out fireplace

face like a sand blasted tomato

ar*e like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

she's seen more helmets than Hitler

face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fa*ny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and sha*ging the night

She's seen more co*kends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fa*ny like a clowns pocket

Fa*ny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fa*ny like a pub carpet

More pri*ks than a second hand dartboard.

face like a blind joiners thumb

Shes done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

handled more balls than Dino Zoff

pi*h flaps like John Waynes saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A chunt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

shes had more seamen than Saltcoats

Shes seen more stiffs than Quincy!

Shes seen more cokes than a bottle of bacardi!

c*cked more times than Elmer Fudds shotgun

28th Mar 2008, 14:50
In a recent survey, 80% of women were found to be against marriage. These smart women have realised that you don't have to buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage.

Mr Pax
28th Mar 2008, 15:08
Ba / Baa / T5

3rd Apr 2008, 05:43
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only 10 for 12 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a 20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says

Nearly There
3rd Apr 2008, 09:56
A woman goes to the doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out her [email protected]

Doctor says "ooh that looks nasty"

"Nasty thats just the tip of the iceberg"

Old Hairy
3rd Apr 2008, 18:02
n old prospector walks his tired old mule into a
western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for
about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked
up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old
mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing
some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one
hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young
gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man
looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did
dance. I just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered
by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool,
you're gonna dance now, ' and started shooting at the
old m an's feet. The old prospector was hopping around
and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired
his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon. The old man
reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled
both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The
gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned
around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The
old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?' The
gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've
always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition

2. Don't mess with old guys


3rd Apr 2008, 18:30
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store.

Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.

The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.
Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.

His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman,

'You put it in your purse.'

4th Apr 2008, 01:33
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'.

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken

4th Apr 2008, 12:57
The owners of the house destroyed in the Cessna Citation crash at Biggin Hill are to be prosecuted by the CAA. Apparently they had left the landing lights on.


4th Apr 2008, 13:19
I have to say I thought the Mods would have binned this rather tasteless "joke"

4th Apr 2008, 15:20
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least-evolved among us.

And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat- cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family. Unless of course one of the 10 winners by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant!

4th Apr 2008, 15:34
She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Reminded me of an episode of Never Mind The Buzzcocks when they were talking about 50 Cent.....

He's been shot at more times than a Jodie Marsh calender.

Jelly Baby Freak
4th Apr 2008, 16:33
It was Scotland/Wales Rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and, as
the crowds made their way down Princess Street towards Murrayfield, a
Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with
its jaws wide open ready to attack.
The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man jumped out
of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.
As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a
journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed,
went up to the man and said,
"That was brilliant, I can see the headline now."
"Heroic Scottish Rugby Fan Saves Fellow Scot From Mauling"
The man replies,
"I'm sorry, but I am not Scottish"
The reporter says,
"That's OK - the headline will be 'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From
Certain Death.'"
The man replied,
"No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!"
"Don't worry" said the journalist,
"I can see the headline now."
"Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler"
The man replied,
"No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh, I'm from London.. "
The journalist said,
"Don't worry, I can see the headline now"
"English Bastard Strangles Family Pet!!!!" :\

4th Apr 2008, 17:04
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came."

Ken Wells
4th Apr 2008, 17:42
Osama Bin Laden dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks at the Pearly Gates and St Peter answers.

"What the heck are you doing here?"

"I am here for Jesus" says Osama

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts

"Jesus your Taxi's here!"

Lon More
4th Apr 2008, 19:04
Man asks woman to marry him
Woman says "No"
Man lives happily ever afterwards

Standard Noise
4th Apr 2008, 20:31
Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand.
'I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor still alive!'
'Well just shoot it,' says Farmer Giles, 'and get your arse back up here to the farmhouse.'
A couple of minutes later the phone rings and the farm hand says, 'Shot'im through the head, now what do you want me to do with the f**ker's speed camera?'

Old man rings the local paper to place an obituary for his late wife. He only has a pound so he is only allowed three words so he tells the clerk to write 'Margaret is dead.' The clerk takes pity on him and allows him three more words. Man says, 'OK then, Margaret is dead, car for sale.'

Two blokes sitting in a pub discussing what they bought their wives for their birthday. One says 'I bought my wife a new BMW and a diamond ring. That way if she doesn't like the BMW, she can take it back to the showroom and still have something to keep her happy.'
Other one says 'I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, that way if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f**k herself.'

4th Apr 2008, 20:50
A new medical discovery has been made here in Australia.
Doctors have found a new nerve which they have called the "opticanal nerve"
It apparently conects ones optics to the arse.
To prove that one exists, the doctors carried out trials by getting their
patients to pull out a hair from their buttocks and noticing tears coming from the patient's eyes.

5th Apr 2008, 00:25
One to add to Ozzy's list....

Heard in the men's changing room in a gym in Worksop, and needs to be read in a Yorkshire accent..

referring to a wealthy acquaintance...

'e's got brass like a cow's got c**t.

7th Apr 2008, 17:56
Might be a bit subtle:



7th Apr 2008, 20:53
BANNED FROM K- MART............

This is why women should not take men shopping against their



After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her

husband accompany her on her trips to K-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping

boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she

loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from

her local K-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a

commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be

forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.

Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in

people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at

5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to

the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of

M&M's on lay-b y.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a

carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and

told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and

blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he

began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it

as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,

he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while

loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his

'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud

speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE


And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited

awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

7th Apr 2008, 23:54
The local tax inspector was one fraud short of obtaining a very large annual bonus, so, knowing the Jewish community to have 'a reputation', he decided to conduct an audit of the local Synagogue.

He went through all their records and couldn't find any fault whatsoever, completely frustrated and desperate, he asked the Rabbi;

"So, when your candles have all burnt out, what do you do with the melted wax?'.

"We gather it all up, return it to the candle manufacturer and every year, they send us a box of candles".

"OK, when you've had you coffee and biscuits, what do you do with the biscuit crumbs?"

"We gather them all up, return them to the biscuit manufacturer, and every year they send us a box of biscuits".

Totally frustrated, the tax inspector gives it his best shot:

"Right then, when you've conducted all your circumcisions, what do you do with all the discarded foreskins?".

"Oh that's easy Sir, we gather them up and send them to the local tax office and every year they send us a complete prick".

9th Apr 2008, 12:05
A contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win 1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million pound question was no pushover:
Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly, 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Tarrent any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
'I need an answer,' said Chris.
'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris.
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
Two seconds later, Chris said, 'I regret to inform you that the answer is....absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!'
A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
'Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on!' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.

They live in clocks.'

9th Apr 2008, 12:56
And there was me thinking she had phoned David Beckham.

9th Apr 2008, 14:58
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:

'Dddooo youuuu sselll dddddiilllldosss?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old lady then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.'

She asks: 'Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssonoooffabbitch offffff?

9th Apr 2008, 17:32
Topical joke for those of us in the UK (mainly)

West Yorkshire police have been questioning Shannon Matthews' Mum.

Not about why Shannon disappeared but how on earth she managed to get 5 different men to sleep with her.

10th Apr 2008, 01:34
^^^ It's called "beer" mate.

10th Apr 2008, 04:57
Just saw this on another site - careful you may split your sides laughing!

"Take your time to read this, it is well worth it. One of the funniest things I have heard in a long long time.

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes' he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

However, one particular morning, one game made the City drop to its knees with laughter."

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is going to kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question Two - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinko's.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. So... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

10th Apr 2008, 05:16
Old ones is best.....:rolleyes:

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to buy a horse. "How
will I recognize him?"

"Thats easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks himif he's looking for a male or female horse.
" A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
" Nith lookin horth, can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over and says
"Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin pretty disgusted at this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, now can I see her ****?"
Totally upset at this point, the rancher grabs the midget under his arm and rams the midgets head as far as he can up the horse's ****, pulls him out, and drops him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing,
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that, Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"

10th Apr 2008, 06:33
Two ninety-year-old West Indian men, Neville and Victor, have been friends all their lives.

Vic is dying, and so Nev comes to visit him everyday.

'Vic,' says Nev, 'You know how we both like cricket all we life, an' how we play together for plenty years. Vic, you gotta do me one favour.

When you go to Heaven, and I know you goin' deh, somehow you gotta let me know if they got cricket in Heaven.'

Vic looks up at Nev from his death bed, and says, 'Nev, you is meh bes' frien' for a long time. If it is possible, I gon do it for you.'

And shortly after that, Vic passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Nev is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of whitelight and a voice calls out to him, 'Nev. Nev.'

'Is who ?' says Nev sitting up suddenly. 'Is who ?'

'Nev, is me, Vic.'

'You lie. You is not Vic. Vic just dead.'

'I telling you,' insists the voice. 'Is me, Vic!'

'Vic is you? Whey you deh?'

'I in heaven,' says Vic , 'and I gotta tell you, I got real good news and a likkle bad news.'

'So, tell me de good news fus',' says Nev.

'De good news is that they got cricket in heaven. Better yet, all we old buddies who gone before we are there. Better yet, we all young men again. Better yet, it always got sunshine and it never rains, and best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired!'

'Really?' says Nev, 'Dat is fantastic, wonderful beyond meh wildest dreams! But, wha's de bad news?'

'You opening de batting next Tuesday.'

10th Apr 2008, 15:28
Larry came home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust.

'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'


one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

10th Apr 2008, 15:57
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

10th Apr 2008, 18:33
Chap walking home from the pub after a good night out.He walks past an alley and a voice whispers "Short time only twenty quid". He had never strayed away from home before but thought,"Oh heck it's only twenty quid"
Soon after he is doing what comes naturally when a light shines on him and a voice says "What are you doing, this is the police?". I'm making love to my wife, says our man. "Oh i'm sorry, i didn't know" says the policeman.

Neither did i until you shone the light on her face he replied!!!!!

10th Apr 2008, 20:37
Recommendations: 96
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your arse with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean".

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave".

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether it's necessary or not.

12. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

11th Apr 2008, 04:48
The Archbishop of Canterbury has finally got his way...

British weather has been declared Muslim...

It's partly Sunni, but mostly Shiite...!!!

11th Apr 2008, 09:44
Not actually a joke but should be clicky (http://www.aanewsletter.ie/edition/1/article5.asp)


the goon
11th Apr 2008, 10:35
You know you are a true Scot if :---

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories -pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.

11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.

12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date

13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips,irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.

16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.

17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.

Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these words;

how's it hingin





get it up ye

wee beasties

erse bandit


away an bile yer heid


humphey backit

baw bag

Dubble nugget

And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just

came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse

aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the display case then

asks, 'Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?' 'Naw,' replies the butcher. 'It's jist ma

haun's ah'm heatin'.

Farmer 1
11th Apr 2008, 10:41
Yes, I quite understand.

11th Apr 2008, 10:58
"T5 operated today at full capacity with no problems "said a BAA spokesperson!

11th Apr 2008, 11:53
After winning the UK 'hide and seek' championship, Shannon Matthews is looking forward to taking on the current European champion Madeleine McCann.

too soon?

11th Apr 2008, 12:45
3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all
three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask over their

After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the
woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office
and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but
we had wild sex all night.

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids
to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice,
super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
opens the door and says: 'Alright Batman, what's for dinner?'

13th Apr 2008, 09:15
BA's Terminal 5 at LHR is now to be known as Hotel California.

"........you can check in any time you like; but you can never leave."

Dark Star
13th Apr 2008, 12:47
Surely T5 should be the "Dyson Terminal"

.......................It's Bagless !

Standard Noise
13th Apr 2008, 13:33
Young guy sitting in a pub having a drink when he sees a reasonably attractive 50 something woman looking at him. She comes over and buys him a drink. They have a few more and then she asks him 'have you ever thought of having a mother and daughter threesome?'
He can't believe his luck and blurts out 'yes, I'd love to!'
Off they go to her house and he's thinking he's never been so lucky, it's like all his christmas's have come at once.
As they get into the hallway, the woman goes to the stairs and shouts 'Mammy are you still awake?'

13th Apr 2008, 14:44
People in Southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants

Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs

Cars in the South of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down

Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts

Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry

Life in the South grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

Life in the South ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers

Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'

Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut

Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands

All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands

Hell freezes over
Scotland will support England in the World cup

14th Apr 2008, 14:52
An old woman decided to visit her newly married daughter, letting herself in the house, she couldn't find her daughter but heard soft music coming from upstairs.
Upon reaching her daughters bedroom she opened the door.
all the lights were out, candles were strategically placed, soft mood music was playing and her daughter was lying naked on the bed.

"What on earth are you doing, naked on the bed at 4pm?"

"I'm not naked, I'm wearing my 'love dress' and when my husband comes home, we'll make mad passionate love for the rest of the night".

The old woman takes this all in and goes home thinking it will work for her.

She sets up the bedroom and lies naked on the bed.

Her husband comes home, takes one look at her and says

"what on earth are you doing?"

"I am wearing my love dress, come and ravge me".

"It needs ironing, what's for tea?"


There was a young man from Kent

whose willy was permanantly bent

he gave it a tug and a tangle

but it remained at an angle

and instead of coming, he went.

Squawk 2650
14th Apr 2008, 15:13
Why did the mushroom go to the party?.......... because he was a fun guy!


What is E.T short for?.....................cause he's got little legs!


G&T ice n slice
14th Apr 2008, 15:42
From my great niece aged 4 3/4

(1) two cannibals are eating a clown. after a few bites one says "is it me or does this taste funny?"

(2) Man takes his chips back to the chip shop and says "these chips you sold me taste funny". Shop owner says "they should do they're wrapped in a comic"

((to be repeated incessantly whenever eating, with much giggling))

14th Apr 2008, 18:31
From my great niece aged 4 3/4

Snowman turns to another snowman and says "Can you smell carrots?"

Q. Whats small and shaped like a cat?

A. A kitten.

Q. What do you call a fish with no eye?

A. A fsh.

Q. What do you call a pig with 3 eyes?

A. A piiig!

Q. Whats brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

Q. Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A. A carrot.


14th Apr 2008, 18:56
Q. What party game do cannibals play?

A. Swallow the leader..........

Buster Hyman
14th Apr 2008, 23:06
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now.'
Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your
Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'
'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from
bird shit.'
Pirate, 'No, It was my first day with the hook.

15th Apr 2008, 00:21

15th Apr 2008, 13:25
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. ;She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!

16th Apr 2008, 14:32

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.


The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?



1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.



1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.



1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.



1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.


Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.


At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children


Swallowing Coins (a favourite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . .

(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live!

16th Apr 2008, 15:08
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate do you?
A) Need more time together
B) Decide that shes a fu**in prude
C) Tell her she should have sat elsewhere on the bus

The Government tells us to look after our neighbours during the cold weather. The 96 year old woman next door hasn't knocked once to see if I'm OK in fact the lazy cow hasn't taken her milk in for three weeks.

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment
with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised
when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other

The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes
his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has
bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet
you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss
into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss
into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
summoned for an audit, he bet me 20,000 that he could come in here and piss
all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it..'

17th Apr 2008, 09:21
12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Georgiana fromBulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it wasamazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves itwhen DarylGibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really alovelyhorse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah,isn'tthat nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing theCox of theOxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (ArnoldPalmer) isplaying so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out hisballs and kisses them ... .. Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time TeamLive' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed tohavesnowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where'sthat eight inches you promissed me last night?" Not only did HEhave toleave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing sohard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much bettertoday after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look Northsaid: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold nightlike this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on SkySports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance hegets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a maleastronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only comein his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie FannySunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Someweeks Nick likes touse Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself

17th Apr 2008, 10:42
If you think the stories of people being stuck in terminal 5 for 24 hours are bad I just heard of a guy who was hanging around Paddington Station for 6 days!


17th Apr 2008, 11:25
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

17th Apr 2008, 15:16
What do you call a long legged bird that can't fly?

Er ..... Naomi Campbell. :E

17th Apr 2008, 15:40
A little boy went shopping with his grandfather and they got separated in the shopping centre.

The little boy went up to a uniformed policeman and said 'I've lost my Grandpa.'

'Whats he like?' asked the policeman.

The little boy thought for a moment then replied 'Bundaberg Rum and women with big tits!'

25th Apr 2008, 02:26
I got on this elevator to find two strange women kissing and groping each other. I look down discreetly, but can't help but notice one is wearing a significant amount of hardware - nose rings, tongue studs, a safety pin in her cheek, ...

She glares at me and says "What are YOU staring at, asshole?"

I quietly grimaced, and said "I'm sorry - did your tackle box explode?"