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frostbite
28th Mar 2008, 13:32
I know it's very similar but I think there's some new ones in there?

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You may find this helpful around the house/garage....

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer!

Windy Militant
28th Mar 2008, 13:54
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Not to mention the Millions of Dollars they've wasted looking for black holes with expensive astronomical equipment. I can show them exactly where to find a black hole for nowt! drop a bolt, watch it roll under the bench, and there's your black hole. You can guarantee that said bolt is now somewhere in the vicinity of Tau Ceti, cos it's nowhere to be found this side of the spiral arm. :ugh:

green granite
28th Mar 2008, 14:19
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer!

It's usually the really big hammer that's the DAMMIT TOOL:E

MadsDad
28th Mar 2008, 15:36
Please, Gentlemen, remember rule 1.

Don't force it. Just get a bigger hammer.

Fitter2
28th Mar 2008, 17:29
And if it can't be fixed with a hammer, it's an electrical problem.

Mudfoot
28th Mar 2008, 17:47
Waitaminute- Philips screwdriver? Isn't that Vodka and Milk of Magnesia?!? Helps make tight things loose... :eek:

Cheers, y'all.

frostbite
30th Mar 2008, 12:14
For those of you mad enough to venture into Essex on your travels, this guide may help you when asking for directions back to a main road and the general direction of "away":


Alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item

Amant - Quantity/sum total ('Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend')

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability laziness or wanted by the "filf".

Awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ('That awss ya tipped cost me a monkey!)

Blind'a - Brilliant ('See the 'ammers game? Blind'a wurntit?')

Branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ('Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on the ***king sunbed?')

Cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ('Wossamatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff')

Eye-eels - Women's shoes

Filf - Police

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

Garrij - A building where a car is kept,repaired or stripped dowwn for parts (Trace: 'Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper')

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ('I feel all lafarjik')

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during 'banging dance tunes' at clubs

Pay-pa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

Reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ('I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Bazza')

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday, unlike anyone else.

Treacle - Nice, good; sweet ('Treacle mate' = 'Good work friend')

Tan Centa - Local shops

Up tan - The city of London

Wearbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ('Webbats is me dole card Trace?)

Wonnid - Desired, needed. (You ain't seen me pal, cos I is wannid by the filf' )

Wurntit - Wasn't it

Zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ('I told ya a fazzand times already')

Arm out the window
30th Mar 2008, 22:09
Seeing as it's 'seen before'...

Guests were arriving at a costume party where the theme was 'Emotions'.
A guy turns up all dressed in green, saying 'I'm green with envy.'
'Oh very good,' says the hostess, 'come on in.'
A few more arrive - red with anger and so on.
Then two big black guys turn up, stark naked except for a couple of props. The first bloke's got his knob stuck as far as it will go in a big juicy pear, and the other's dangling his into a bowl of sticky yellow liquid.
Almost speechless, the hostess manages to stammer 'W-what are you supposed to be?'
'I'm deep in dis pair,' says the first, and his mate says,
'And I'm f***ing dis custard!'