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Lon More
14th Mar 2008, 06:33
In extremely bad taste.....











The Welsh mining industry looks set for a come-back......

Apparently they've found some copper in Snowdonia.

notmyC150v2
14th Mar 2008, 07:13
Lon More - you must have to be a local to get that one.

Try this one for more universal bad taste -

Lloyd was teeing off from the back tees. He hit a terrifically hard shot.

Unknown to him, his wife Jean was about to tee off from the red tees and was directly in front of him.

The ball hit Jean in the temple and killed her instantly.

A few days later Lloyd received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy.

"Lloyd, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?"

"Yes sir," Lloyd replied, "that's correct."

"Well, Lloyd, I also found a large bruise on Jean's right hip. Do you know anything about that?"

"Yes sir," Lloyd said, "but it's kind of embarassing."

"I need to know everything before I can make a ruling," the coroner said. "And don't worry: believe me, I've heard everything."

"Well, OK," Lloyd said. "The bruise was from my mulligan."

Radar66
14th Mar 2008, 08:40
In honour of St Patrick's Day....

(the old ones are oft the good ones ;))



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


*Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra*


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."


*Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra*


Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.


He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?


*Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra*



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


*Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra*


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.


He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


*Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra*


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


*Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra*


Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.


He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.


He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."


*Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra*

vapilot2004
14th Mar 2008, 09:16
If Barak Obama wins the nomination, he will be the first black man in US history to beat a white woman and not go to jail.




Hillary Clinton vs. God

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in a motorcade that crashed into a gasoline tanker and burst into flames. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."



"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?" "No, what good is it ?"
"Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from !"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Dan D'air
14th Mar 2008, 10:44
In a similar vein,

A British tourist gets talking to a guy in a bar in New York.

The American asks him where he is from.

"London" came the reply.

"Oh yeah, are you Sunni or Shia?"

seekayess
14th Mar 2008, 11:52
Some more for St Patrick's Day


Paddy went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"

"Oh joy! How nice it would be," said Paddy with gleefully, "I have been illiterate for so long."

*************

"I have a severe headache. I think I'll visit the doctor," said Paddy to O'Leary.

"Nonsense! Yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?" replied O'Leary.

Paddy says: "Good idea! Call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

Old Hairy
14th Mar 2008, 15:56
woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied:

"Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass!!"

Standard Noise
14th Mar 2008, 17:35
Why did the good Lord give women thrush?
To teach them how to live with with an irritating tw4t before they get married.

Old Hairy
14th Mar 2008, 17:53
A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a stiff upper lip and reveals he's suffered a long and unwelcome visit from Mr Floppy. After a host of tests the medical man calls our unhappy friend and tells him to brace himself for the worst.

"It seems your old fella's muscles are wasting away and sadly there's no known cure," declares the Doc. "But there is an experimental treatment which might just work. Would you consider having the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk implanted at the base of the patient's manhood? We've tried it on rabbits and had some early signs of success."

Our hero thinks for a second then resigns himself to his fate. "What have I got to lose?" he whispers. "Let's do it."

A few weeks after the operation, he marks the removal of the bandages by treating his long-suffering girlfriend to a candlelit meal at a fancy restaurant. Suddenly an all but forgotten feeling of power surges through his loins. But pleasure becomes pain as the swelling increases to the point where he is forced to push manners to one side and unzip his fly to relieve the pressure. But just when he's thinking the worst is over his loving length surges free from the confines of his pants, and towers above the table like Nessie's arched neck - before swooping to snatch a tasty bread roll from the table. Then - quick as a flash - the unruly member returns to whence it came.

"WOW!" says his grinning girlfriend. "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

But with eyes brimming with tears and face flushed bright red, her eager-to-please beau blurts: "I'll try... but I'm not sure I can fit another bread roll up my ass!"

Ozzy
14th Mar 2008, 18:21
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex'."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

kwachon
14th Mar 2008, 18:26
A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."
"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his c*ck out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"

Biggles1049
14th Mar 2008, 21:49
When you have a bad day at work and you start repeating the usual phrase: 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:On your way home from work, stop at your chemist , go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock the doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing, sit in your favourite chair and open the package. Remove the Thermometer. Carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken http://www.pprune.org/forums/cid:[email protected]
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice a statement in small print:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'


Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone else with a job that is more of a pain in the a * se than yours!

Lon More
15th Mar 2008, 07:20
Gobona never let the truth get in the way of a good joke.

you must have to be a local to get that one.
From the UK news last week, Chief Constable found dead in the mountains. What's a mulligan?

BDiONU
15th Mar 2008, 08:42
Following the success of the West Yorkshire Police in finding Shannon Mathews, Portugese Police have gone back to the McCanns villa to look under the bed.

BD

Beatriz Fontana
15th Mar 2008, 12:20
Two dwarfs pull two women and take them home. One dwarf can't get it up. To make things worse, all night he he's the other dwarf saying "here I come, 1, 2, 3... uuuhhh!". Next morning, the first dwarf admits his shame at not satisfying his lady. "You think that's bad," says the other, "I couldn't get onto the bed!"

StevenPreece
15th Mar 2008, 12:38
SERGEANT'S PHILOSOPHY


The Company Commander and the Troop Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the Troop Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

The OC said, "I see millions of stars".

Troop Sgt.: "And what does that tell your sir?"

OC: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Troop Sgt.: "Well Sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."


Cheers

Steve

Sailor Vee
15th Mar 2008, 13:01
What's a mulligan?A shot that you take after a duff one and don't count towards your score! :ok:

barry lloyd
15th Mar 2008, 15:40
Thank God someone's cleared that up.
In my OED it says it's a stew of odds and ends of food!

Earl
16th Mar 2008, 04:01
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'
I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...

frostbite
17th Mar 2008, 12:59
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more
rectal deodorant.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container

.
.
.
.
.
.

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

Windy Militant
17th Mar 2008, 14:06
Roll on Ball or Aerosol?
No It's for Under my Arm!
Boom Tish! Arrgh not the Hook..........:}

G-CPTN
17th Mar 2008, 16:08
AerosolThe phrasing is Are-o-sol I believe.

djk
17th Mar 2008, 17:33
It's also just "ball or Are-o-sol"

niknak
17th Mar 2008, 19:05
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Geordie were sharing tales of their love life:

The Frenchman said "after have had sex with my wife, she floats 3 inches above the bed from the pleasure of my love making".

The Italian says, "after I have had sex with my girlfriend, she floats 3 feet above the bed from pleasure of my love making".

The Geordie says, "after I've pumped my missus good and proper, I wipe me knob on the curtains, and she goes through the fookin ceiling!".

tinpis
18th Mar 2008, 04:29
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'




Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'





An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f*c**ng hundreds of them!'