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Fatboy Ginge
12th Mar 2008, 15:46
Things that make blokes proud of themselves

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to
Kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you
to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are p*****. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that!

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so itís for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Hamilton do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

ShyTorque
12th Mar 2008, 15:53
Nice, nice.

But you didn't mention belching a tune and getting a bog bullseye from ten yards away. Or even peeing clean over the garden shed (on a good day, wouldn't try it again on a windy day like today.. :ouch: ).

airborne_artist
12th Mar 2008, 16:02
24. Timing a car journey to the minute. You left five, maybe ten minutes later than 'er indoors wanted, because you knew the _____ (insert road number/name) would be fine. It was, and you pulled up at exactly the right time. And you didn't need a pratnav.

Fatboy Ginge
12th Mar 2008, 16:40
Considering my current occupation that was most remiss of me

Binoculars
12th Mar 2008, 17:18
Like it FBG. Not sure I'm game to send it to the Binoettes, but they have a pretty good idea of my thoughts, especially #19. The only time I spend more than a minute on a phone is when I have to listen to some bint telling me how important my call is to her.

And as Guys (see Dave Barry) go, I'm pretty much a wuss.

Just remembered that when Mrs B set fire to a frypan and I did the guy thing of taking it outside and throwing it over the balcony (whaddya mean I should have just put the lid on it?) I developed a tremendously impressive blister between thumb and forefinger; about an inch long by half an inch wide and half an inch thick. That gave me tremendous cred with B4 who kept her eyes on its progress for a week and actually took a photo of it.

Hurt? Naah!

'Chuffer' Dandridge
12th Mar 2008, 18:24
And I thought owning a short ugly dog was all that was required to be called 'Ard'

matt_hooks
12th Mar 2008, 19:19
Chuffer, that's no way to talk about your missus!

goudie
12th Mar 2008, 19:35
I was doin' o.k manly wise then Mrs G bought a mechanical jar opener. Been all downhill since then.

Foss
12th Mar 2008, 20:06
Firing a gun, any gun and hitting what you were aiming at.
Laying a patio and not making a shambles of it.
Any deep puncture wound which is borne with manly silence.
The ability to watch, and follow three TV programmes at once one by constant channel flicking.
Fos

Fatboy Ginge
13th Mar 2008, 13:04
Or in my current situation...

The ability to have one's knee operated on and maintain normal household duties of cooking and getting the kids to school. ..

Mrs FBG... Knee hurting love.
Me... Naaah. It's fine

Dan D'air
13th Mar 2008, 13:18
Having the mother of all sessions on the pi$$, to the point where you can't remember how you got home, then waking up as right as rain the next morning as though nothing had happened. (Of course, one doesn't admit to being smugly surprised at one's lack of a hangover)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
13th Mar 2008, 13:53
Taking a sh1t that's longer than your shoe and then discussing it with your mates. :ok:

niknak
13th Mar 2008, 14:13
Thank you for sharing that one with us Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh...:uhoh:

Farrell
13th Mar 2008, 15:48
Chuffer, that's no way to talk about your missus!

Matt....I think he was talking about yours! :}

allan909
14th Mar 2008, 16:15
Getting yer bruvver to throw a dart into yer foot; showing it to yer mam then pulling it out in one swift movement.

Ard

(spoilt it a bit though when she stuck my foot into a bowl of antiseptic water and I started crying at the eeeeeeeeenormous amount of blood - well I was only 10)