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Stoey
6th Mar 2008, 22:00
Not my story, I found it on the net. One of the funniest things i have read for a long time (Even more than FAR/AIM :ugh:)


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy, AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A BITCH... That hurt like hell !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid :}


******************************

E. Mach
6th Mar 2008, 22:13
:D:D:D I love it:D:D:D
didn't have such a nice laugh since ages... :}:}:}

THANKS A LOT:ok:

Stoey
6th Mar 2008, 22:37
A woman called a local hospital. .
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients.
I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . "
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.
Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart
monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend !"
"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a fu**ing thing ! :\

con-pilot
6th Mar 2008, 23:03
Okay Stoey :mad:, you owe me one new key board! :D

(Key boards and Scotch and water do not mix. :p)

Safety_Helmut
6th Mar 2008, 23:17
didn't had such a nice laugh since ages
Mach, I would use it to help people to learn to read and write ! :}

Binoculars
7th Mar 2008, 00:14
A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The priest coughs encouragingly a few times but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there ain’t no paper on this side either!”




Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Malley after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

“What’s bothering you, Mary?” says the priest.

“Oh Father, I’ve got terrible news; my husband passed away last night.”

“Sean is dead? Mary, my poor child, that’s terrible! Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

“That he did, Father,” says Mary.

“What did he ask, Mary?”

“He said, ‘Mary, for the love of God will you put down that damned gun?”



After thirty years of marriage a couple is lying in bed one evening. The woman is surprised when the husband reaches over and starts touching her in ways he hadn’t done for some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck then began moving down past the small of her back. He caressed her shoulders, she held her breath as he worked his hand over her breasts without lingering and continued south , stopping just short of her now very interested nether regions.

He returned to her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. He then tracked northbound, tracing her inner leg right to the smooth skin of her inner thigh, then tantalizingly went back and performed the same operation from her right arm, down then up.

Suddenly he stopped, rolled over and was silent. Quite aroused by this stage, she asked in a loving voice, “Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he mumbled.

tinpis
7th Mar 2008, 03:11
Old ones is best....:rolleyes:

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off England.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. Your Choice.

bnt
7th Mar 2008, 08:04
One I heard on Betty's (http://betty.libsyn.com/) latest podcast (#42)

Q: What's the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine?
A: The engine stops whining when you get to the gate...

Kerosine
7th Mar 2008, 09:26
Tinpis, please please please tell me that is actually genuine.

Absolute genius.

Saintsman
7th Mar 2008, 09:29
How to prove that dogs are man's best friend.


Lock your dog and your wife in the boot (trunk) of your car for an hour.

When you open it, which one is pleased to see you?

ZH875
7th Mar 2008, 09:43
Tinpis, please please please tell me that is actually genuine.

Absolute genius.

Err No, it's an old myth.

See here (http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp)

FAN BLADE
7th Mar 2008, 10:22
After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain
announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to
Flight 293, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto. The weather ahead is
good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back,
relax and . . .. OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and
gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you.. While I was talking to you, a
flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"

One passenger yelled, "Yeah, well you should see the back of
mine!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

LIFE AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the
first to die. True to his word, he made the first
contact, "Judy .Judy.":
"Is that you, Steve?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I
have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have
sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd
be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the
golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of
the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf
course again. Then it's more sex until late at
night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the
next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly .. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

DIVORCE VS MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable looking lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."


The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Taildragger55
7th Mar 2008, 11:15
Err No, it's an old myth


That'd be a spinthter?

airborne_artist
7th Mar 2008, 13:25
They don't come much better than this (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showpost.php?p=443848&postcount=40)

groundhand
7th Mar 2008, 15:13
The six affairs

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for
her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take
his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and
drove home.

'Where have you been?' demanded his wife when he entered the house.

'Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.'

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,

'You lying bas***rd! You've been playing golf!'



The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and
sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new
son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child
he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was
no way he could be the father of that child.

'Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!'

Then he gave her a stern look and asked,

'Have you been fooling around on me?'

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, 'Not this time!'



The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz', said the mortician, 'but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.'

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates.

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife.

'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he
said, and opened up his briefcase.

'Oh my God!' the wife screamed, 'Schwartz is dead!'



The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you to,' she whispered. 'Just pretend you're a statue.' -----
'What's this, honey?' the husband inquired as he entered the
room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied nonchalantly. 'The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.'

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.'



The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent.' 'One Cent?' exclaimed the man.

So the man glances over at the menu and asks, 'Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?' ------


'Certainly Sir,' replies the barman, 'but that comes to real
money.'

'How much money?' inquires the man.

'4 cents,' the bartender replied.


'Four Cents?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man says, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied, 'The same thing as I'm doing to his
business.'



The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from hi slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

'Becky my darling,' he whispered.

'Hush my love,' she said. 'Rest, don't talk.'

He was insistent. 'Becky,' he said in his tired voice, 'I have something that I must confess.'

'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep.'

'No, no I must die in peace, Becky I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!'

'I know, my sweet one' whispered Becky, 'let the poison work.'

Noah Zark.
7th Mar 2008, 16:43
Blonde girl takes her broken car into the garage to be repaired. The Mechanic fixes it in two minutes."Nothing serious, love, just sh!t in the air filter." She replies "Really? And how often do I have to do that?"

Shamrogue
7th Mar 2008, 19:36
http://www.jibjab.com/

Snappybits
7th Mar 2008, 21:22
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's
for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)

'Ralph, for the FIFTH f***in' time, CHICKEN!'

The Flying Pram
7th Mar 2008, 22:21
Youtube video of tinpis's post here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNX4xqlXJE)

Old Hairy
8th Mar 2008, 13:10
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding anickel. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, turning blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and startspanicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue businesssuit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup ofcoffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seatand makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of theboy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then everso firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up thenickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the fatherand walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the fatherrushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seenanybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied . . . "Divorce attorney".

barit1
8th Mar 2008, 18:18
A small zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:


"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."

Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[

And -- Where do I report Old Hairy for stealing my joke? :E

SOTV
8th Mar 2008, 18:26
Dawn French was arrested earlier today while going through customs at Heathrow for possession of controlled drugs. While wearing a short skirt she bent down to tie her shoelace and revealed 95 kilos of crack.

:E

kwachon
8th Mar 2008, 18:34
Blonde gets pulled over by Blonde motorcycle cop in Miami
"License and registration" says the cop,
Blonde looks through her handbag and cant find them,
She asks the cop what it looks like, cop says "it has a picture of you on it".
Blond tips out contents of her bag onto the passenger seat and finds her compact mirror,
She looks at it, sees her reflection then gives it to the cop
Cop looks at it and says, "If I had known you were a cop too I would not have stopped you" :}

groundhogbhx
9th Mar 2008, 14:13
Kevin the Chicken


Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters,
to fertilise the pullets' eggs.


Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster
was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he
was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell
hadn't rung at all!


Trevor went to investigate.


The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's
amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.


He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane
Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The Result?


The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing
them when they weren't paying attention.








Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?.............

G-SCUD
9th Mar 2008, 20:42
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw together an Ikea bed?

A: None.(It's all tongue and groove...).

aviate1138
10th Mar 2008, 14:41
A dedicated Trades union worker was attending a convention in Blackpool and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam: 'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you £100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets £80 and the girls get £20,' she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stamped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you £100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get £80 and the house gets £20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam £100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam, as she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner.
'But Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'






***
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Seconds later there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said: 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have ‘rough sex’.”
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it was several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said: 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

seekayess
10th Mar 2008, 18:13
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff......

... And my favorite one...

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning!

And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.

landlady
10th Mar 2008, 18:29
What's the difference between an international terrorist and a flight attendant with PMT?

You can reason with a terrorist.

seekayess
10th Mar 2008, 18:37
An airplane is flying over the United States at night.

The pilot says: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out."

A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin".

The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.

Pilot: "Still going down - we must throw out some people".

There's a big gasp from the passengers!

Pilot: "But to make this fair, passenger will be thrown out in alphabetical order.

So... A... any Africans on board?" No one moves.

"B... any Blacks on board?" No one moves.

"C... any Coloureds on board?" Still, no one moves.

"D... any Darkies?


A little black boy - asks his dad: "Dad,...what are we?


Dad: " Tonight son, we are Zulus"

Saintsman
10th Mar 2008, 18:42
Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while the
preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'

Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy:

'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday

Eliason
11th Mar 2008, 14:45
Don't ban me... :E


If a captain has sex with a flight attendant - is it pleasure or work?



Pleasure.


Because if it was work, the copilot would do it. :p