View Full Version : Friday Joke

The Nr Fairy
14th Dec 2007, 08:46
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.'
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Kevin sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Kev, what are you doing!?' To which Kevin replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '.

Standard Noise
14th Dec 2007, 09:09
Bloke goes to his doctor and complains about his really bad headaches.
'How long have these headaches been going on for?' asks the doc.
'Twenty odd years'
'OK then, we'll send you for a complete scan.'
A few weeks later the man goes back to the doc and is told 'I think we've found the problem, your balls are pressing on your spinal cord which is creating pressure which manifests itself in headaches.'
'How can it be cured, doctor?'
'I'm afraid the only cure is castration.'

A couple of days after the operation, the bloke is wandering around town feeling a bit sore and sorry for himself so he decides to buy some new clothes to cheer himself up so he goes into a tailor's.
'Good morning sir, what can we do for you today?'
'I'd like a new suit please, navy, with a thin stripe.'
'Certainly sir, 44 chest and long in the leg.'
'That's unbelievable, how did you know that?'
'I've been doing this for nearly forty years sir, it's something you pick up with experience. That suit fits just right, would you like a shirt to go with it? Let me see, 16.5" collar, long sleeve?'
'Yes, it is, you are very good at this, it's amazing.'
'What about socks sir? Size 9 black wool?'
'Oh yes please,' says the man as he feels his dark mood lifting. 'Oh, and I would like some new underpants as well.'
'Yes indeed sir, size 36 I think.'
'Aaahh, no, I've got you there, I'm a size 34!'
'No sir, I would definitely say 36, I've been doing this job for ever such a long time and I would have to say you are without doubt a 36.'
'No I'm definitely a 34, have been for 20 years now,' says the man.
'Ah yes sir, you may be able to get into a 34, but it restricts the balls somewhat. Gives you terrible headaches.'

14th Dec 2007, 14:41
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one night and the neighbours dog is
barking like hell in the garden.
Paddy says "Bollocks to this" and storms off downstairs.

Five minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife says "What did you

Paddy says "I've put the bleeding dog in our garden, so let's see how they
bloody well like it!"

14th Dec 2007, 14:47
http://www.pprune.org/forums/mhtml:{A2FDF9E6-1139-490A-9C23-294042C46833}mid://00000018/!x-usc:cid:[email protected] Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 quid? “Are you nuts?!!!” she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 quid?” he asks again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 quid?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 quid; Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there .”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah”, says the Scotsman… “Costs too much…”

14th Dec 2007, 17:23
I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

14th Dec 2007, 23:29
Fridays Joke.

Gordon Brown.

14th Dec 2007, 23:37

14th Dec 2007, 23:37
Christmas Cards (http://www.tinyprints.com/funny-christmas-cards.htm)

15th Dec 2007, 03:20
eticket, I loved those, well done! :ok:

17th Dec 2007, 18:34

18th Dec 2007, 10:24
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says,
'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's

18th Dec 2007, 12:16
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make
a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange. No gift exchange allowed now since the
Union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on >>> serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to
take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet; pregnant women will get the table closest
to the toilets; Gays are allowed to sit with each other; Lesbians do not
have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant
cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so
quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday ! Drink, drive, and die!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

18th Dec 2007, 14:22
Paddy comes to England for the first time, working as a brickie. Before he leaves Ireland he buys his wife a vibrator to keep her happy while he's away.

A week later he phones home and after a while and asks how she's getting on with the vibrator.

"Foin", says she, "but I've broken three teeth so far"

18th Dec 2007, 15:53
Thank you radeng for that classic. :ok:

I still love that story, even if it is too close to the truth in todays PC world.

18th Dec 2007, 15:58
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
'Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.'**
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!' said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged.
'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.'
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.'
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,** **Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.'

18th Dec 2007, 19:06
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

18th Dec 2007, 19:18
An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the
Champs Elysees with a rear light out. He beckons the
driver to pull over, which he does and
winds his window down. The Officer has a good look
inside the car and notices that the driver and
passenger are conjoined twins, Boaby & Davy.

Instead of making an issue over the light out
situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat.

Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?

Davy: Aye, that's right big yin.

We've been coming every September weekend for the last
9 years.

Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away
from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse?

Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come

Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right

Boaby: Aye.

Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our
delicious French food,very healthy.

Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks
of garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid
eating your crap.

Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous
wines and cognac,surely.

Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry

In't that right Boaby?

Boaby: Aye.

Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in
that case you must be here to see the Parisienne
madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe.

Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye!

The burds here are dogs, ah widnae touch them wae
yours big yin.

Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people
come to our country if everysing ees so bad?

Boaby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive!

21st Dec 2007, 11:33
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers

A. Well Hung

El Grifo
21st Dec 2007, 17:57
Thanks Ozzy

Thats one for the 2008 Burns Supper.

Thank you, I thank you. :ok:

El G.

Loose rivets
21st Dec 2007, 17:59
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon.

Closed coffin

Loose rivets
21st Dec 2007, 19:56
Should the generic name for Viagra be Mycoxafloppin ?

21st Dec 2007, 21:00
A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog
for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."

What does that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,

"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I
asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to
come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and
only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later
with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about
halfway down the block so another dog is pushing her

21st Dec 2007, 21:51
Two old agricultural workers are sitting in the pub drinking and watching the news on television. One news item is about a court case where the prosecution is based on circumstantial evidence.

Old Fred says "'ere George, what's circumstantial evidence, then?"

George. "Bit difficult that one but I'll give 'e an example. T'uther day I were in t' cowshed milking t' cow and she kicks t' bucket over wi' 'er left back foot, so I gets up and ties 'er left back foot down t' floor. A few minutes after I started milking 'er she knocks t' bucket over wi' er right back foot. I gets up again and ties 'er right back foot t' floor. Ah'd just started milking her agin an' booger me if she don't knock t' bucket over wi' 'er tail. So I gets up and ties 'er tail t' beam int' roof.

As I were about to start milking her again, I feels the need to pee. So I goes t' back of t' barn and has one.

Ah'd just finnished an' were zippin' up me fly when t' missus comes in. She takes one look at me zippin' up me fly an' one look at t' cow, picks up t'bucket an thumps me wi' it. That Fred is circumstantial evidence".

21st Dec 2007, 23:42
Christmas night out eventually ends for the Hospital staff and Steven takes Julie home having never met before.

The next morning Julie wakes up, with Steven smiling and peering into her eyes.

He says, "You were wonderful last night, but can I ask are you a surgeon?

She replies, "Thats amazing, how can you tell that after the few short hours we have had together?"

He answers, "Well you washed your hands before and after."

To which Julie said, "Well that must make you an aneasthatist(is it spelt right?-Do i care?)?"

Steven answers, "Wow this is great, how did you work that one out?"

"Cos I didnt feel a thing!!"

22nd Dec 2007, 00:02
glazierflyer, I hope you don't have to have an operation anytime soon. :ooh:

22nd Dec 2007, 00:12
Two blondes walking down the street. One say's "look at that dog with one eye!"
The other <with one hand covering an eye> "where?"

Arm out the window
22nd Dec 2007, 01:18
A blonde & a brunette are in a shopping centre when the brunette says "Oh no, there's my boyfriend - looks like he's buying me flowers. Now I'll be on my back with my legs in the air for three days!"

The blonde says "Why, haven't you got a vase?"

22nd Dec 2007, 01:58
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for
the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly
put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, even Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this
ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but
you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

22nd Dec 2007, 09:12
Two golfers are out on the course.

Waiting on the second tee for the match ahead to clear, one pulls out a cigarette and asks his pal for a light.

The pal reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a giant 12" Bic lighter.

Wow, says the first, where did you get a lighter that size?

From my genie, says the second, he lives in my golf bag and will grant one wish to any golfer.

Will he grant me a wish, says the first?

Of course, says the second, and he invites the genie out.

The first says, my wish is for a million bucks. Fine, says the genie, consider it granted.

Nothing happens for a bit, then they become aware of a rustling in the air. Looking up they see some birds gathering, soon the sky is getting dark with birds, and as they get nearer, they can hear quacking. The sky is covered with ducks.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks says the first guy.

Do you really think I asked for a 12" Bic? says his pal.

22nd Dec 2007, 18:05
Paul McCartney has settled his dispute with Heather, for Christmas he's buying her a new leg - it's not her main present - just a stocking filler....

El Grifo
22nd Dec 2007, 18:51
Gonny no speechless, jist gonny no :ok:

Thats a few mair in the kist for Burn's Night :D

Evening Star
22nd Dec 2007, 19:18
Q. What do you gent when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon Hood...

Q. What do you get when you cross a snow man with a vampire?
A. Frostbite...

Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf-esteem...

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic...

Q. What is the most popular wine at Christmas?
A. "I don't like sprouts"...

Q. What do you call a bunch of grand-masters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer...

22nd Dec 2007, 19:43
Two blondes walk into a bar, you would think the first one would tell the second one to duck!

22nd Dec 2007, 21:05
A girl dumps her boyfriend of several years and refuses to tell him why.

Eventually he wears her down and she tells him, "it's because you're so uncouth".

"Uncouth, UNCOUTH ?", he shouts. "I take you to the opera and the ballet and all that bleeding shit".

22nd Dec 2007, 22:09
"Of course I loves ya - I f**ks yer don'I?"

22nd Dec 2007, 23:48
Met a Scotsman drinkin' Foster in a pub the other day, told him that in Sweden only girls younger than 15 drink Foster. He got rather p**sed...

I thought that was funny... :*

Merry christmas!

Standard Noise
23rd Dec 2007, 02:16
A little guy is sitting in a pub having a quiet pint when a thug comes over and smacks him round the head. 'That's Kung Fu, from Japan.'
A bit later, the thug comes back and whacks the guy on the neck. 'That's Karate, from Korea.'
The little guy gets up, shakes his head and leaves the pub. A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug round the back of the head knocking him out cold and says to the barman, 'when that c**t wakes up, tell him that was a f**kin' shovel, from B&Q!'

23rd Dec 2007, 14:58
Thats a few mair in the kist for Burn's Night :D
William Shakespeare dies and goes to heaven. There he meets St
peter, who asks him "what is your name and what were you in the
past life"? Shakespeare says, I'm William Shakespeare and I was
a poet.
At the same time, a Scottish poet, Robbie Burns dies, and he goes
to heaven. St peter asks him "what is your name and what were you
in the past life"? Burns says, my name is Robbie Burns and I was
a poet.
St peter then says " well, we only have room for one poet in
heaven, so we will have a contest! Whoever can write a better
poem, gets in! The topic will be Timbuktu, and you will both
have one hour to complete the poems."
So after one hour, they come back, and Shakespeare goes first:
"As I walk across the golden sands, as I walk across the golden
land, a great big ship comes in to view, It's destination
St peter says: "o.k., now we will hear Burns' poem"
Burns says:"As Tim and I a walking went, we saw three damsels by
a tent, as they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Tim
bucked two!"

What do you call a Scotsman standing at his front door with one foot inside the house and the other outside the house?


A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's boot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two then turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' .. perhaps it is noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are abit more serious this time."
"Really?", said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye ", said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request ...And he said ...
"Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me ... the first three pennies?"

A Scot meets a friend at a train station and explains he's off to Glasgow on his honeymoon.
His friend asks, "And just where is your wife."
"She's seen Glasgow." the groom replied.

Mr MacTavish was very sick. His wife sat at his bedside after the doctor had said no more could be done. The man said, "I don't think I'm going to make it thru the nite."
The wife replied, "I've got to finish my chores, but if you feel yourself slipping away before I return, please be sure to blow out the candle."
The jet plane started to rattle. Quickly, the pilot turned northward. As soon as they crossed the border into Scotland, everything tightened up.

A lot of ethic groups are known for being tight with money.
Other groups are known to drink too much.
Some groups are even known for being people of few words.
Only the Scots however have combined all these traits and thrown in a kilt and bagpipes for good measure.

A Scottish minister is said to have prayed thus after a particularly
unproductive collection: "We thank you Lord that the plate was
returned safely."

Jock arrived at the gates of Heaven and demanded admission.
"Where are you from?" asked St. Peter.
"Scotland!" said Jock proudly.
"Away with you," said St. Peter. "We're not cooking haggis for one!"

Poor Jock had to go to hospital after dropping a 10p piece. It
hit him on the back of the head as he bent down to pick it up.

MacTavish was stopped by a beggar who asked for ten pence
for a cup of coffee.
"Let's see the cup of coffee first," said MacTavish sternly.

Wedding guest: "So this is your third daughter to get married!"
McTavish (heaving a sigh): "Aye, I'll soon have to be looking at
getting new confetti..."

Excitement in Scottish scientific circles over the unveiling of an
atomic micrometer, used for measuring flatness and thinness,
was tempered by the announcement that the flattest, thinnest
thing in the world is still a used toothpaste tube from Aberdeen.

A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful
he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.

MacTavish was taking his girlfriend for a drive on his motorbike.
As they passed a hot dog stand, she sighed hintfully, "My word,
those hot dogs smell good!"
"Hold on a minute," said MacTavish gallantly. "I'll turn round and
drive closer so you can get a better smell!"

MacTavish offered MacPherson a whisky that barely dampened
the bottom of the glass. "It's twenty-five years old!" he beamed.
MacPherson studied it thoughtfully. "Man," he said, "It's awful wee
for its age."

MacNab was travelling by train seated next to a stern-faced
clergyman. As McNab pulled out a bottle of whisky from his
pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here,
I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled McNab, pouring himself a dram.
"There's no risk of you starting now!"

MacNab was arrested by the police for breaking into a £5 note.
The Sheriff let him off with a caution as it was his first offence.
(In Scotland a Sheriff is a junior judge.)

Jock brought home a packet of salted peanuts and gave his fiancée one.
Later she asked, "Can I have another peanut?"
"Why?" said Jock, "I assure you they all taste the same."

Jock's fiance peered at her engagement ring.
"Oh, Jock, is it a real diamond?"
"Och, if it isnae, I've been done out of a fiver," he replied.

Sergeant McTavish of the Highland Regiment swaggered into a pharmacy.
He placed a battered condom on the counter and asked the chemist how
much it would cost to repair it.
The chemist held the damaged item up to the light. "I could launder it
and disinfect it, vulcanise a patch on the holes and tears in the side and
insert a new elastic around the top, but if you take my advice it would be almost as cheap to buy a new one."
McTavish could recognise sales talk when he heard it and said he would
think it over.
He returned next morning. "You've persuaded us," he declared, "the
regiment has decided to invest in a new one."

Hear about the tourists who were visiting some old graveyards in Scotland and came upon an interesting headstone that read "here lies a pious man, a wonderful father, and a great teacher." One of the visitors quipped, "just like the Scots tae bury three men in one grave!"

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

An Aberdonian is in court charged with bestiality, an offence that he is
supposed to have committed against his cat. After the evidence has been
led the Sheriff turns to the jury and says,” Ladies and Gentlemen of the
jury I would advise you to disregard the evidence that has been given in
court, as in all my life I have never known an Aberdonian to put
anything into a kitty".

Big John the Red: "Why wis Boadicea no fightin' the Romans wi' us the day?"
Wee Shug: "She wisna' Pict!"

Knock! Knock! Who's there? "Lidia"
"Lidia who?" "Lidia teapot!"

Q: "What's the difference between Liberace and Walt Disney?"
A: "Liberace plays the piano and Walt Disney!"

Andy: "She's away tae the Carribean tae see her sister!"
Jimmy: "Jamaica?"
Andy: "Na! She decided on her ane!"

Knock! Knock! Who's there? "Muff"
"Muff who?" "Ma fit is stuck in ye'r door!"

Hear about the Scot who walked into the bakery and said, "Is that a macaroon in the window or a meringue?" (am-I-wrang!)

Knock! Knock! Who's there? "Thistle"
"Thistle who?" "Thistle be my last knock knock joke!"


El Grifo
23rd Dec 2007, 15:08
Hoogle an shoogle yer manky tatties, a do believe ma Burns nicht reptoire is fu' tae overflowin. :ok::p:ok:

Farmer 1
23rd Dec 2007, 15:13
Best not give up the day job, BDiONU.

23rd Dec 2007, 15:32
I did like the Sergeant MacTavish one, though.....

Bob Stinger
23rd Dec 2007, 16:18
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied: "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,
realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was
when the church bells would start to ring. It was just theright rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding
and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive
today, if the ice cream van hadn't come along,

Evening Star
23rd Dec 2007, 19:52
Two professors went on a trip to a tropical island. They were sitting on the veranda, talking.
"Have you read Marx?" asked the first one.
The second one said, "Yes. And I think it's caused by these wicker chairs."

The secretary walked into her boss' office and announced, "I'm afraid I have bad news for you."
"Kelly", said the boss, "Why do you always bring me bad news? Try to be more positive."
"OK", she said. "The good news is you're not sterile..."

24th Jan 2008, 21:14
An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.

This continues with the next patient:

Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

25th Jan 2008, 17:01
A London lawyer fails to stop at a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He
decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and
registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop,
that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the s**t out of the
lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

25th Jan 2008, 17:05
A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition..

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this.." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as Rangers fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500"

26th Jan 2008, 21:16
This is a classic from the Two Ronnies....................try reading it quickly.

Rindercilla and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercilla worked very hard - flubbing scroors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was nucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swallocks. They were really forrible huckers and had felly smeet.

The sugly isters had tad hickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercilla go. Suddenly, there was a bucking FANG! and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercilla to be back by dimnight, otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercilla was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "For sucks fake!" yelled Rindercilla as she ran out, tripping barse over allocks and dropping her slass glipper.

Next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercilla's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and cut a fig bart. "Who fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking fank! Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercilla and it fitted pucking ferfectly. They mere warried and haved lippily ever after.

27th Jan 2008, 13:11
This lady takes her two kids to Walmart. When they get to
the door she is just nagging at her two kids as they run
around out of control. She continues to be real bitchy to say
the least.

The old man greeting says " what nice twins that
you have. They are such wonderful children" The lady looks at
the greeter. " you actually think they are Twins? One is 6 and
the other is 9. You really thought that they were twins?" in
an angry voice.

The greeter then looks back at the lady and
says " No I just can't believe that you were laid more than