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SoundBarrier
30th Nov 2007, 02:32
Can't beleive it is alredy almost 4pm on Friday and no Friday joke! anyway, a bad few to start off with! One for each side to keep everyone happy!

A man says to his wife"your arse is the size of of a 3 burner bbq". Later on in bed he say's"fancy a shag?"his wife replies"no point lighting a bbq for half a f:mad:ing saugage is there!!!!"

Treat your wife like you treat your hoover...
When it stops sucking, change the bag!!

Richo77
30th Nov 2007, 04:21
My wife told me that picking my nose is disgusting.
Great! now i have to to it myself!

ArthurR
30th Nov 2007, 08:13
An artist, a lawyer, and an engineer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The engineer says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

Standard Noise
30th Nov 2007, 08:24
What do you do when your old boiler plays up?
Give her a slap and send her back to the kitchen!
--------------------------------------------------------
A hillbillie was screwing his sister and she started to laugh.
He asks 'what's so funny?'
She says 'you screw like dad.'
'That's funny,' he says, 'that's what mom said too.'
------------------------------------------------------------
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos last night when someone shouted "He's behind you!"

Saintsman
30th Nov 2007, 08:58
I wondered if I was the only one to be appalled by the harsh sentence given to that poor teacher for an honest mistake.




15 days inside seems fair enough, but deportation to Liverpool....

lordsummerisle
30th Nov 2007, 09:01
What's ET short for?

He's got little legs

Senior Pilot
30th Nov 2007, 09:40
These seemed pertinent for a Friday:


Here is a collection of trivia questions asked by Media personalities together with answers given by their quiz show contestants....



UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think CambridgeUniversity is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUD
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant: Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?.


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . . ..
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

CherokeeDriver
30th Nov 2007, 10:13
Just remember it's a spoof, before I get flamed...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30903

seekayess
30th Nov 2007, 17:44
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

kiwi chick
3rd Dec 2007, 21:09
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at
all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk,
all
for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub.

lordsummerisle
3rd Dec 2007, 21:29
Couple of Irishmen have trouble visiting a London sperm donor clinic..

Paddy missed the tube, and Murphy came on the bus!

ScottyDawg
3rd Dec 2007, 21:37
Q: What does a Glasgow Burd Do With Her ar$ehole after sex.??

A: She Takes Him Down The Pub..!!:\

frostbite
3rd Dec 2007, 22:43
Why do Essex Girls wear knickers?













To keep their ankles warm.

Binoculars
4th Dec 2007, 01:24
Just had to say a belated thanks to SeniorPilot for his post on quiz contestants. I've finally managed to stop the tears rolling down my cheeks. Goosey Gandhi? Oh god, I've started again... please let them all be genuine, they deserve to be! :)

Did you say Israel? No.

*dissolves into helpless laughter .....*

Sallyann1234
4th Dec 2007, 09:39
I suspect those quotes were borrowed from Private Eye, which has a regular feature on them under 'Dumb Britain':

http://www.private-eye.co.uk/sections.php?section_link=dumb_britain&

Binoculars
4th Dec 2007, 14:10
Thanks Sallyann. In a similar vein, but occupying a much narrower field, you may find some fun at the following address.

http://www.thebladder.com.au/

While it's mainly devoted to the absurdities of Australian sport, the overriding theme is basically universal.

(It used to be quite easy to name a link here; either I've gone sadly downhill or something has changed. Suggestions welcomed.)

niknak
4th Dec 2007, 15:54
Following the unfortunate incident in Sudan, where a teddy bear was named Mohammed and a School Teacher was put in jail, Sooty has cancelled his tour of Jamaica.

Shamrogue
4th Dec 2007, 17:28
21 things u can only get away with saying at Christmas time


1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.

merlinxx
4th Dec 2007, 18:58
They don't show the dandruff!

chiglet
4th Dec 2007, 22:22
There was a radio clip around [I'll try to find it] A Radio manchester quiz asked "In which town is there a leaning tower"?.....after several wrong answers, he says "Here is a clue, it's in Pisa" 2 mins later, the presenter is wetting himself at the still totally wrong answers...
watp,iktch

Fart Master
4th Dec 2007, 23:17
What do you call a fly with no wings






A walk...................What a shit joke

the incivil beast
4th Dec 2007, 23:49
And so new ...

:rolleyes:

G-CPTN
5th Dec 2007, 00:06
What do you call a deaf dog?

gupta
5th Dec 2007, 00:14
Anything you like.......'cos he can't hear you

Fliegenmong
5th Dec 2007, 00:43
What do you call a Lady with a toothpick in her ear?


















Olive

Richo77
5th Dec 2007, 04:24
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?













Full!

Saintsman
5th Dec 2007, 08:07
A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects. The Brummie says to him, "there were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did".

"Thanks buddy," the fireman replies.
"You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie says.
"Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks.
"Birmingham," he replies.
"Birmingham? What state's that in?" asks the fireman.

The Brummie looks around and replies, "about the same as this really..."

frostbite
5th Dec 2007, 13:06
TWO IRISH ENGINEERS & A BLONDE


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.



A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.



Paddy: 'We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,
but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts
and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket,
took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six
inches.



She then walked off.

Mick said:
'Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the height and she gives us the length.'

UniFoxOs
5th Dec 2007, 13:25
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Kate,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love

Ron.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

ScottyDawg
5th Dec 2007, 17:35
What have a Glasgow Burd.. and an old washing machine got in common..?

They both drip... when their f :mad: cked..!

kiwi chick
5th Dec 2007, 19:52
How can you get away with that, but I can not?!

;) :D

I have a great hedgehog joke but fear it is too naughty... PM me if you want to hear it... ;)

niknak
5th Dec 2007, 21:43
A man walks into his local to be greeted by the young and gorgeous new Landlady.
"Hi, I'm Cath' what would you like"
"Well, I'd like to take your t shirt off and I'd like to lick the sweat off your tits"
"We'll have none of that talk in here! Now behave yourself, what would you like?".
"Yeah... sorry.. what I'd really like is bend you over the bar and pump you from behind".
"Look, if you continue saying such things I am going upstairs to fetch my husband, for one last time, what would you like?"
"Yeah, OK, I'm really sorry, what I would like...... is to tip you upside down and drink my beer from your fanny".

"Right! that's it! I am going to get my husband....".

Cath storms upstairs and wakes her husband from his armchair:

"He said he wanted to lick my tits!"
"The bastard! I'll whip his ass!"
"No! theres more... he wanted to bend me over the bar and pump me from behind!"
"I'm going to kill him!"
"No! there's even more, he wanted to tip me upside down and drink his beer from my fanny!"

With that he sit's down and starts to watch the tv..

"Aren't you going to do anything?" Cath asks..

"How can I possibly compete with a man who can drink 25 pints in one go?".




A man is concerned about a dull throbbing pain in his knob and seeks medical advice.
His GP tells him: "I'm afraid it's simply wearing out and under normal circumstances there would be nothing I can do to help, however there is a brand new experimental procedure which you could undergo, it involves using part of an elephants trunk, but it does have it's risks in terms of after effects."

"Anything! says the man, "I ahve an extremely active sex life and can't bear the thought of never being able to shag again".

Off he goes for the operation and 3 weeks later he's passed fit to resume normal sex.

He invites an extremely attractive neighbour over for dinner, things are going really well when he feels a stiring below, his knob becomes so large it's getting painful and he undoes his zipper.
With that, his enormous grey appendage leaps out, shoots across the table, takes a bread bun and just as quickly, disappears into his trousers.

"My word!" says his guest, extremely impressed and slightly curious, "can you do that again?".

"Probably, but I don't think I could fit another bread bun up my arse!".

BabyBear
6th Dec 2007, 13:03
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he openedhis trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stoppedfor speeding.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his waywithout a ticket.

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuckunder it.Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab And saidto the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!"

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,"What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete andutter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to writewith your other hand".

west lakes
6th Dec 2007, 13:12
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'llturn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me andturn me back into a beautiful princess, I will staywith you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiledat it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn meback into a princess, I'll stay with you for oneweek and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at itand put it back into his pocket.

Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is thematter with you?

I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and thatI'll stay with you for one week and do anything youwant. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don'thave time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."