View Full Version : Friday Joke

23rd Nov 2007, 16:47
I can't believe that we are nearly at 5pm in the UK and there is no Friday joke!!

Allow me to start things off then

Whats the difference between England & Lewis Hamilton??

Hamilton still has a McClaren!!!!

James 1077
23rd Nov 2007, 17:06
Whats the difference between England & Lewis Hamilton??


Sorry, back on subject.

What's E.T. short for?

He's got little legs.

23rd Nov 2007, 17:15
To: Steve McClaren
From: Leader, Scottish Parliament

Come home Steve, your task is complete.


23rd Nov 2007, 18:01
Did hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field:D

23rd Nov 2007, 18:03
Q. What's 6 inches long and goes into a c*nt every morning and every evening?

A. Steve Mclaren's toothbrush.

23rd Nov 2007, 18:07
A man was found drowned in the Thames yesterday. He was found wearing an England football shirt, womens silky knickers, fishnet stockings and suspender belt and with a dildo up his backside.
Police have removed the shirt to save the family any embarrassment.


23rd Nov 2007, 18:36
News just in!

"A local surrey ice cream van man has recently been found dead in the back of his vehicle, John wilson was found partially naked, and covered in hundreds and thousands....Police think he topped himself!" :ugh:

23rd Nov 2007, 18:57
Tom Tom are recalling 1,550,000 of their sat nav units

Apparently England can't be found anywhere in Europe

24th Nov 2007, 05:44

24th Nov 2007, 11:46
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke,

"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says,

"Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

24th Nov 2007, 12:48
I was in Tesco buying Oxo cubes. They had chicken, beef, vegetable, lamb and England.

I asked the assistant "what's the England one"?

That's a new one we've just launched she replied. It's a laughing stock!!!

England are to change their shirts. The three lions will be replaced with three tampons to represent the worst f**k**g period they've ever had!!!


24th Nov 2007, 17:08
What do you call an Engishman at Euro 2008?


Richard Taylor
24th Nov 2007, 18:21
Bernard Matthews has been approached to be new England Manager to replace McClaren.

He's used to dealing with turkeys...


24th Nov 2007, 18:25
Cumulogranite, you missed the ending off that joke...

Whats the difference between England & Lewis Hamilton?

Hamilton still has a McClaren and a place in Switzerland!

Solid Rust Twotter
26th Nov 2007, 17:53

A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.
Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.
The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy.
At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.
Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.
The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"
She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

27th Nov 2007, 09:32
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon

> with

> her for R500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her

> that
> he
> did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary
write a
> cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

> On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
> the
> whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary
> a
> cheque for R250 and enclose the following typed note:

> 'Dear Madam:
> Enclosed find a cheque for R250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
> sending
> the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under
> the

> impression that:
> 1 - it had never been occupied;
> 2 - there was plenty of heat; and
> 3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
> However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that

> wasn't
> any heat, and that it was entirely too large.'
> Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque
> R250
> with the following note:

> 'Dear Sir:
> First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful
> to
> remain unoccupied indefinitely.
> As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it

> Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if
> you
> don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
> management.
> Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your

> present
> landlady.