Comedy pre-flight safety briefings

[jonnywatson]

Hi folks,

What's the funniest pre-flight safety briefing you've been involved in or heard about.

There must be tons of stories out there.

I'm looking to compile a list of the best. Can anyone help?

Thanks in advance,

Potsy

[Doctor Cruces]

I heard that one US airline had a hostie who began hers with the words, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover as the song says, but there are only four ways to leave this airplane so shut up and listen!"

Doc C

[PAXboy]

To save folks repeating everything, please have a look in the Archive. There have been at least two threads on this subject in the last six months or so since I joined.

[Crash Barrier]

Fanks very much Paxboy!

[2daddies]

I'm both the FO and the CSD on my plane and when we arrive somewhere and shut-down my first line is always - "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to ****. If I could ask you to remain seated for the moment I'll be back to disembark you shortly."

I then run to the back, install the tailstand and return to the pax.

One day I decided to change my speel for some reason and this was the result:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to ****. If I could ask you to remain seated for the moment I'll be straight back to get you off".

Much raucous laughter followed.

:D

[DOC.400]

Aw! Don't spoil the fun Paxboy!

[Coppelia]

A Purser in my company uses to say, after the safety card demo briefing ,"please read this card carefully as a written exam will be performed during the flight".

For the life jacket demo: "a beautiful yellow life jacket is located under your seat. Place the life jacket over your head and pull the straps down. Cross them around your own lovely body and tie them forward etc etc".

Also, before night take-off and landings: "the cabin lights will be dimmed.Please don't take advantage of the situation".

Each time I flew with him passengers were delighted as this Purser relaxes passengers in a very professional way.

[Cello]

@ PAXboy - the convention would be that you let folks know where the threads actually are, and in which particular Archive (I've searched all forums with nil results). Please remember that we've not all been registered for six months...

@ Potsy - good luck with your project!

[ 28 November 2001: Message edited by: Cello ]

[Squawk 8888]

On a flight from NAS to YYZ on Sunday:

"All bottles should be stowed under the set in front of you. Any bottles placed in the overhead compartments will become the property of the flight crew, as we have a number of dinner parties to attend next month."

[emma.harris]

I will have to remember some of these, mind
you I could get the sack as we arn't allowed to mess about these days!!!!!!!!!!

[Eliason]

Happened to me on one of my recent flights... I make the German PA - which starts:
Sehr geehrte Damen und Herren, ...
<Ladies and Gentleman...>
Well - just by mistake I said Herzen instead of Herren - rendering it to something like:
<Ladies and Darlings> ;) ...
Pax found it pretty amusing ... :D

Being often the only German speaker among the crew I sometimes think of altering the PA's... I never dared yet - at least not on purpose :p :( :D

[The Nr Fairy]

Heard on my BE flight from Guernsey back to Southampton last Tuesday :

Before startup:
"Take note of the position of the exits, as in best pantomime tradition they may be behind you".

Before shutdown:
"Please remain seated until the propellors have stopped spinning their little hearts out . . ."

EXCELLENT - made me listen harder !

[Bandit_70]

I used to say that the lifejacket is fitted with a whistle,this can be used for attracting sailors or sharks...It always gets a giggle..

[cloud nine]

I hope someone can answer my question here. Just wandering who's role is it to give the pre flight saftey speach over the loud speaker? I always thought that it was the purser welcoming pax on board and thanking them for flying ect. Is there a script that must be followed? Or can you add your own sense of humour to that?????

[Ex Servant]

Hi Cloud Nine, It's generally done by the senior but it could be done by anyone. I used to encourage my crews to do it so that they could could cope if they were ever in the position of having to do it without me being there. You never know what could happen in flight. Adding bits is generally frowned upon by the powers that be these days. It should be done seriously seems to be the view. All I can say is when I was flying if you added a bit of humour people actually took notice of the demo instead of ignoring it. Maybe some else could say what the current view actually is?

[mainfrog2]

Where not allowed to deviate from the written pa anymore. Mind you I usually find it quite hard to come up with original and entertaining comments so it's probably better from my point of view. I think it must be nice for pax to hear a bit of humour from the fa's occasionally, just can't do it in the safety briefing thats all.

[P.Pilcher]

Ex-Servant it is quite simple: There is me and my colleague up the sharp end driving the thing and you and your colleagues behind me coping with all the problems generated by the self loading cargo. Left behind us on the ground there are myriads of desk drivers all striving to justify the substantial salaries they earn. One way to justify this is to continuously review such matters as the safety briefing as delivered by the cabin crew. I expect, although the bean counters do not realise it, that the safety briefing and its continuous reviews probably cost the average airline more than it costs to maintain its operations manual! In view of this it is obvious that no departure from the latest safety briefing will be permitted despite the sensible posts about introducing humour e.t.c. in this thread. After all the airlines have ot to get as much value for money from their laboriously honed and re-honed safety briefs as they can. :confused: :confused: :confused:

[DOC.400]

One of my favourites on a flight with about half a dozen business men. 'I'll now do the safety briefing. No doubt you are all familiar with this and know it all?' Business men all nod, ' Well, you sir, would you come up here and demonstrate then?'

Aer Lingus DUB-LHR 'Please switch of all electrical appliances, mobile phones, walkmen and vacuum cleaners.'

easyjet Aberdeen -LUT (end of August this year) 'Anybody found smoking in the toilet will be taken to the rear of the plane and given a good thrashing'.

Same flight (Bandit_71?) ..and the whistle can be blown to attract passing sailors........' Was that you?

[Kem]

I've been to an interview for a new airline that intended to have crew sing the safety briefing to the tune of the macarena, complete with arm moves to point out exits and all. Needless to say, the airline folded after six weeks of operation.

[GalleyWench]

I flew with a purser that tweaked the announcements considerably. While demonstrating the seatbelts he announced"For those of you that have not been in a car since 1970 we will now show you how to fasten a seatbelt" .When it was time to demonstrate the lifejacket he said" in the event of an emergency please remember that they are property of XXX airlines and should be returned at your earliest convienance".I think it was the ONE flight that all the pax paid attention to the safety demo!

[126.825]

Not totally in the scheme of things but i thought it was quite a good story - so i will share.

One of the larger carriers deceided new comapany policy for the captain of first officer to thank the passengers off the aircraft after the flight.

on that particular day the first officer had performed the landing and it was to say the least a tad hard.

due to the landing the captain deceided it was the FO's turn to thank the passenger.

Red faced the FO thanked each passenger for flying with X airline.

a little old lady with walking stick approached said FO and in a quiet croaky voice said "son, could i ask you a question?"

the FO smiled at the little old lady and replied in his best company voice "of course you can madam".

"well she said, i was just wondering if we landed or were SHOT down!!!"

and once again the FO was red faced.

:D :) :D

[Sven Sixtoo]

Then there was the military helo crewman whose pax safety brf to the grunts consisted of "FOLLOW" on the sole of the left boot, and "ME" on the sole of the right boot . . .

[nurjio]

Again slightly away from the thread. During a post landing informal debrief from a Scandanavian stewardess addressing the FO, she said, in a very persuasive lilt, "...you are supposed to kiss the runway not f**k it!..." :D

[christep]

For me one of the best bits about flying BA is the humour you sometimes get from the CSD - it always (about half a dozen times in my experience) seems to be male ones, and normally quite camp...

The one that sticks in my mind was a LHR-CDG full of tired businessmen after a long day where the boss (OK, maybe a purser not a CSD) came on about 20 mins out and said the usual stuff about, finishing with:

"... Cabin crew put the cat out and prepare the cabin for landing"
(mild chortles from a few)

followed a few seconds later by:

"miaaaaaoooooooooow...."
[a pretty good imitation of a startled cat being ejected]
(more or less everyone in the cabin convulsed

:D :D :D )

When we got to the gate the ground crew had a message for someone, so he came on again in his best camp voice and said:

"If there's a Mr X on the plane please could he present himself to the pretty little French thing at the door"

(which doesn't look as amusing as it sounded)

I have to say I had been getting a bit fed up with BA since they tend to suffer by comparison with Cathay who are my main carrier (although I still do enough on BA to have a BA Gold as well as a Cathay Diamond), but this put them back in my good books.

[Deep Cover Gecko]

I once did a flight with rather a lot of football supporters, who had been celebrating (or drowning their sorrows!) rather a lot. At the end of the PA, I decided to see how many pax had been paying attention to the brief, so
"Ladies and gentlemen, the cabin lights will shortly be dimmed for take off. If you wish to continue reading, or if you are afraid of the dark, you will find reading lights in the panel above your head." :D ;) Obviously the majority of people weren't paying much attention, as only a few chuckles were heard.

[Chocks Wahay]

My fave from a few weeks ago - Go, STN - EDI (or the other way round, can't remember).

"The Cabin Crew will shortly come through the cabin to collect any items of unwanted rubbish. Ladies - this does not include husbands or boyfriends".

Made my day.