View Full Version : Kids on Spliffs

8th Sep 2007, 01:14
Just caught my 20 yr old son in the bathroom making up a spliff. I want to rip his f*****g throat out and stamp on the bits. I have NEVER been so angry!!. Any advice or thoughts PLEASE!!! As I have never partaken in any illeagal substance in my life. We have been through the 'charlie' stuff at public school, I thought we had got through the whole thing, but tonight, i find out clearly not!!:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

8th Sep 2007, 01:34
Might not be the bast to advise you on this (I'm 23 and Dutch :} ). But don't think beating the crap out of him will have a very positive effect on him (you might be feel better though).

Look, the stuff is no more harmfull for him then binge drinking or smoking in general. I've you've got agreements on him about that, hold him to those agreements, and just say that you don't approve of it and explain why. The stuff makes you slow, and the high isn't all that good.

The point I really want to make, 99% of the kids that experiment grow out of it, and the 1% that gets f*cked don't get that way because of the drugs, but because of other stuff.

edited to add, that after wide and extencive experimentation with various substances, of which the old man never found out, reality hits home. You realize that it's not that much fun anyway. The I've been there, done that and got the T-shirt moment is the best way to stop any bad habit, no matter how addicitive or cool....

Two's in
8th Sep 2007, 02:26
Tigs, check your PM's.

8th Sep 2007, 02:35
You're worried, and that's understandable but, sadly, he is 20 and you no longer have any say in the choices he makes.

However, one thing you can do is make it quite clear that you will not have illegal substances in your house/on the premises ... you certainly have every right to do that. If he is going to use, make certain he understands that he must do that somewhere else.

8th Sep 2007, 02:44
Well with my kids I used to tell them:-
1. I love you unconditionally.

2. You are always welcome in the family home.

3. Whilst in the family home you obey MY rules! (I was and still am a single parent!)

If they didnt conform with rule 3 then they would be "invited" to leave! Fortunately this did not happen and they have grown up into two sons who I am immensely proud of despite the fact that I am aware that they had a dabble with "mind-altering" substances. I also made them know of my views concerning drugs etc even if they didnt agree! I also informed them of the fact that being prosecuted for possession of illegal drugs may rule them out from various occupations (maybe the law has changed on this now). You could also mention that there is evidence now that use of cannabis may lead to schizoprenia.

A good book is Parents and Drugs (What you need to know), also I joined a local evening class on the subject - it was very useful to meet other parents with similar challenges and also learn a lot about the subject.

Tiggs2 - know how you feel, I would be angry too but dont worry, your kids will grow up to adopt most of the values which you believe in but they will test things out on the way!

8th Sep 2007, 05:39
Tigs - my parents were of your calibre - and the more they 'objected' (that's me being mild....!) the more likely i was at age 20 to do the opposite!

I think that all the above posts have a point - make your views clear, not at my house, etc. but perhaps best not to be too heavy handed?

I went off the rails a tad between 18 and 21 years as a liberation from the very strict rules i used to live with, and then 'grew out of it'.

If he's doing it at home, alone, then it is not the first time that he's doing it, UNLESS he just wanted to try it whilst on his own. Normally first time users do it with friends at a party or something. The situation that you've described means that he is PROBABLY using it fairly regulary - i am NOT saying that he's hooked, but if he is under pressure due to exams it is probably the way that he is choosing to relax, rather than having a drink?

you know your son - you know the way that he thinks, how he is likely to react in a situation. is he a 'follower'? or is he a leader of the group? If he's a 'follower' then you have a trickier situation as peer pressure, 'seen to be cool' will have a factor in it, and is therefore a more difficult situation for you to navigate. 'friends' are very important to people of that age group and they can't always distance themselves from a group and realise that there are other people out there doing different fun and cleaner things!!

I have nephews and neices ranging from age 28 down to 4yrs old. the older lot I am especially close to and we have often been out drinking together and I admit it, i've been with them whilst they've smoked pot, but I would much rather than they felt comfortable enough to do it in front of me, so that i could act as a barometer, somebody that they could come to if they felt that they couldn't go to their parents. It worked! have had to get them out of, ahem, tricky situations and then be the one that told the parents, calmed the parents down so that they could approach the children more rationally! May not work for most people but it certainly worked for my family, I am certainly biased, but my goodness, i've got a bunch of young there that I am so incredibly proud of and love to bits.

When you've had a chance to think - just talk to him, don't alienate him by going 'off on one'.

R'66 :ok:

Load Toad
8th Sep 2007, 09:56
The slippery slide starts with alcohol not with spliffs. If your children have seen you smoke or drink they've seen you do drugs. If they've seen you drunk they've seen you unable to control your intake of your chosen drug.

So - first off - lets bin the idea that your children have you as the example of shining truth and honesty - a character who would never touch drugs ever. Unless of course you have never smoked or drank in front of them.

Then consider that they also see people doing legal drugs all the time. Real life and the media.

So they see a lot of drug use.

Most information about drugs is alarmist. Apart from a lot of it being little more removed from reality than a guy on 'shrooms the effect of this is when someone smokes a spliff and does not become a heroin addict within the week they start disbelieving all the 'official advice'

You child does not have to be a leader or follower. Your child is nearly grown up and is very curious and at an age where they want to make their own decisions.

Examples of friends using any drugs will further assure your children that most people can do drugs legal or illegal without becoming full blown addicts.

Some people are addicts and whether that is genetic, by choice, stupidity or ignorance that's the way it is. I wish they were helped more through education and treatment. Lets remove the secondary crime aspect about drugs - it is an illegal highly valued commodity. Think about prohibition in the States and it's effects.

Most people with drug problems have real trouble when they can not control the drug use. Legal or illegal - nearly the same but with illegal drugs it has to be a more secret 'hobby' and as it is illegal the risks of ending up in a whole world of do-do are increased.

If you mentioned your child had a 'charlie' phase at school then I can assure you that spliff is minor incomparison.

So as a father to a father but a father who has tried several drugs he's my take which you can use or ignore.

After blowing your stack there really is little point getting angry - you will risk pushing your child away. There is no point discussing from a point of ignorance or rehashing the many (all failed) government drug programmes and sound bites; get informed - read several web sites that discuss what drugs are, what they do.
Get it clear in your head what you are really angry about and what you are really worried about. What is your aim? To stop your child ever doing drugs ever again? Lets aim for something that's realistic.

Your child has to know that whilst drugs remain illegal the very first thing to consider is that you could very soon end up with a criminal record. Rightly or wrongly drugs are illegal but quite simply - a criminal record will knock a shed load of cash and opportunities from your life unless you are a supermodel or rock star.

Because drugs are illegal you never really know what you are buying and the chances are your dealer doesn't either. That might not be a big deal for a bit of weed but start moving into the chemicals and you don't know exactly what will happen. There is a risk things will get very bad for you very quickly when you least expect it.

Drugs (legal or illegal) effect your ability to reason. Things you would never do sober you will do on drugs. See my first point - you are increasing your chances of screwing up your life.

If you do drugs a lot you will soon find you only hang out with people who do drugs; you are going to lose mates and once again you are going to lose opportunities.

So - doing drugs basically increasing the risk of becoming a sad and miserable burden with few opportunities to improve your life and it'll cost you money, friends and chances.

Then you have to do the bit where you say that you never want your child to do something behind your back and if he wants to do any drugs would he please only do it in your house when you are present.

This will head slap him. He's now got to reason the drug taking, realise there are risks - calculable risks and you are trusting him to come to a decision and you are challenging him to trust you. You have banned nothing, not hit him, not denied that legal drugs are better or worse, not shown a lack of knowledge about how good drugs feel etc.

Up to you mate - best of luck and I hope things work out well whatever you choose.

8th Sep 2007, 10:03
Just a quick line to say thank you all for your posts and advice. Two's In thanks for your lengthy (and must have been time consuming) pm. I have calmed down and you are of course all correct. Its why I went to bed last night, as I wanted to rip his throat out, but thought that would get a bit messy Sometimes these forums are all filled with bolleux, but now and again you lot come out with some little gems:D Thanks pruners, off now for a calm chat about 'not in my house':ok:

DX Wombat
8th Sep 2007, 10:05
Sammie-nl if you are going to post a reply on such a serious subject then PLEASE get your facts straightLook, the stuff is no more harmfull for him then binge drinking or smoking in general. I've you've got agreements on him about that, hold him to those agreements, and just say that you don't approve of it and explain why. The stuff makes you slow, and the high isn't all that good. What absolute rubbish! :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: Look at the recent research which proves it does have long term damaging effects. Tigs, take a step back for a moment or two, gather all the necessary evidence then talk to him in a rational, calm manner. Good Luck!

8th Sep 2007, 11:14
I have calmed down....Secondary smoke can have positive effects :ok:

8th Sep 2007, 11:36
I have to agree with some of the above posters, most if the more unpleasant people I get to deal with, living in 'abandoned' houses with no electricity and 3" of water on the floor, (And they just dont give a f**k anymore :ugh:) have all started on and progressed from marijuana.

Tigs, make sure your son knows that even though its been downgraded to Class C, possession and distribution of cannabis is still illegal and you can be arrested.If its just posession then usually the drug would be confiscated and a warning be given. However if he is found with it in public or near children /schools /playgrounds, he could face up to two years in prison. Versus 14 for intent to supply

Hope this helps :ok:

8th Sep 2007, 11:49
Not sure I want to go into this debate, but
What absolute rubbish! Look at the recent research which proves it does have long term damaging effects.
I never said it didn't, I just said that it was as damaging as socially acceptable things Binge Drinking and smoking, those two also have long term damaging effects. Not so sure which is more damaging, depends on the person really. People I know have gotten genuinly slow or somewhat unstable due to drugs, whiles others it has left largely unaffected.

I think, I don't have numbers to back this up, just personal experience, that 99% of those who experiment with drugs grow out of it. That 1% that goes of the rails do it because of other factors, usage of drugs is merely a sympton of their issues.

Flying Lawyer
8th Sep 2007, 12:03

It's reassuring to see there are still some parents who react angrily in such circumstances. :ok:

I'm with BlueDiamond and Fireflybob (impressive post) re parents allowing illegal drugs at home. No, non-negotiable. Apart from the possible consequences for you of knowingly allowing illegal drugs to be kept and/or used in your house, whether people think it should or shouldn't be, possession of cannabis is a criminal offence.

Load Toad
So - first off - lets bin the idea that your children have you as the example of shining truth and honesty - a character who would never touch drugs ever. Unless of course you have never smoked or drank in front of them.
Tigs didn't say he'd never drunk alcohol or smoked. He said he'd never taken any illegal drugs. IMHO, there is an important difference.

I'm not expressing an opinion about whether the law is right or wrong; I waver about that, and can't decide. I'm certainly not persuaded by the alcohol argument often advanced. Just because one 'drug' is legal, that's not a good reason for allowing more.
Smoking cannabis doesn't necessarily lead to trying harder drugs, but it very often does.
It doesn't necessarily lead eventually to lives being ruined, but I've seen first-hand (professionally) more than enough lives ruined by abuse of illegal drugs to make me very wary. (And they rarely, if ever, started with hard drugs.)
Illegal drugs are expensive (which itself creates a secondary crime problem), but would the abuse of drugs increase or decrease if they were cheaper, and even more readily available?
If smoking cannabis was treated as no different from drinking alcohol and even more widely used, would that produce an even larger pool of people ripe for moving on to trying harder drugs?

Some elements of the media don't help the problem, and IMHO exacerbate it. Broadcasting/publishing rock stars and the like reminiscing fondly to sycophantic interviewers about their days stoned on various drugs is IMHO irresponsible.

sammie nl
Is binge drinking "socially acceptable"?


Sunray Minor
8th Sep 2007, 17:25

I'd second the "not in my house" rule.

A few posters here have pointed to the cannabis/mental illness link, but it is also worth keeping in mind that women who receive breast implants are 3 times more likely to commit suicide than other women. Point being the correlation has not yet meant causality and rather than telling you son he's going to go nuts, better warn him of the potential for a criminal record, the results of a conviction on career prospects and passport visa applications and such like.

But to counter the above, I know some parents who have an "only in my home" rule - something which I think is actually the best rule to have, but one I doubt you would agree with.

8th Sep 2007, 17:32
Sunray..never thought I'd see the day......

I'm in total agreement mate, well said

8th Sep 2007, 18:08
My Son smoked stuff from the age of fifteen. Kept it very quiet [ split home, so easy to conceal from absent father] His mother smoked like a chimney. He dropped out of school/ college/uni. Had numerous jobs, could never hold one down for long. Then he started getting paranoid about personal injury. Spent time in hospital. Now he is off the stuff and finally has a decent job and is beginning to feel self confident and looks to advance his position. All since going to "Clear Head" a London Drug Rehab Centre.
Don't tell me that smoking forms of cannabis is not harmful to some people. I now have a son who looks me in the eye and discusses subjects using more than one syllable!

He has had to move away from his "pals" and seek new friends that don't offer him spliffs every five minutes.

After all eventually he will have to keep me in the manner to which I have become accustomed and that won't happen if he smokes Skunk.

8th Sep 2007, 18:35
You are right to show your anger. the worst thing I have seen is parents saying "Well it's only dope." and "Well I did the same when I was young."

Our children need to have rules to rail against. If they think that we aquiesce in they do, WTF will they have to do to rebel. I have been to too many funerals of lost young men.

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