Merged: Funny Stuff You've heard in skies

[russianthru_thesky]

Thought we needed a 'Funny stuff from the GA skies' Section on here to lighten things up!!

Was doing a Scenic flight the other day and we're flying across the Buccaneer Archipelago on a crystal clear day, the passengers staring in awe at the scenery while i'm pointing out all the features along the way, when one particularly chirpy passenger pipes up and asks me: "So how many Crocodiles are there in the Kimberley?"
Thinking I must have heard wrong I asked them to repeat the question, to which again they asked the same thing, to which I replied completely straight faced "Four, there are four crocodiles in the Kimberley" Which seemed to satisfy said passenger.....much to the amusement of all others on board!!

[corowacomet]

Heard this one recently, without doubt the dumbest thing I have heard from GA in while.:ok:

"Lets face it joining base may not be standard, but it makes perfect sense to avoid unneccessary turns and the inherent collision risk with 16 aircraft coming from the north to join a rwy 11 approach. At the end of the day this isnt Sydney, its the bush, and you cant follow everything u learnt in your big city flight schools with gold braid and unrealistic veiws on aviation."

[ForkTailedDrKiller]

On short finals recently to Rwy 01 YBTL in the V35B (BE35).

Twr: XXX, behind the Beech 350 on finals, line up behind and hold.

Dr :cool:

[morno]

:D:D:D:D:ok:.... Well said Corowacomet! That one rates as one of the stupidist things I've heard too.

morno

[russianthru_thesky]

Yeah but not in the sky, so kinda off topic...

[corowacomet]

I just look forward to the time when I will have the wisdom and experience of russianthru_thesky, master of the Kimberley skies and all winged vehicles which grace them. What a day that will be. Next he will be telling us: "I know the flight manual says it can't be done but the weight and balance limitations are just guidelines." Seriously though russkie I'm eagerly awaiting your forthcoming front-pager in FlightSafety, just hoping you're alone or your boss recognises his mistake before it gets that far.
The Comet.

[jandakotpilot]

Heard this one over the P.A. flying QF Singapore to Perth Tuesday night!

Clearly she was a battle hardened hoastie who couldn't care at all, the whole flight her announcements were painful and very unprofessional. Clearly she was making them up as she went.

Her classic was

'' Ladies and err gentlemen, err I have switched on umm the entertainment system.
Please umm refrain from using the entertainment controller err because umm it interferes with the entertainment system.

Go figure

[DeltaSix]

This really happened....

Tower: ABC, do not acknowledge, clear to land runway left

Pilot: ( In Korean accent ) Do not acknowledge, clear to land, ABC :ugh:

[russianthru_thesky]

This is a true story a collegue once had happen to him,
He landed the skiplane up on a glacier on a particularly clear day, got the punters out on the snow and was explaining that they were standing on about a 100m layer of snow, while under that was about 900m thick of ice. After the speil one particularly vigilant American Lady comes up to him and says:
"Goddamn its a nice day up here. Tell me, does you ever get bad weather up here?"
To which he replied, straight faced as ever, "Well as I was saying we are standing on a 100m layer of snow, which has a 900m layer of compacted ice beneath it, so it would be safe to say that at times the weather can be a tad inclement"

[Dehavillanddriver]

Carowa

I think Russian was quoting a stupid phrase he had heard not having a go at you.... well thats how I read it..

though I did like Master of the Kimberley Skies

[Chadzat]

a few very similar to what has been said:

After taking some passengers on a charter-
"so are you going to fly commercially one day?"

After landing at YAYE from a scenic-
"So have you found Lasseters Reef yet?"

"If I had- I wouldn't be telling you! And I most certainly wouldn't be flying this aircraft."

[russianthru_thesky]

Nice one, I think everyone has had one variation of the "Do you someday dream of being a commercial pilot" They just dont see us Ag boys as commercial pilots :suspect:

A good one after coming back from the fijords one day on a typical arctic winters day with cloud and crap everyday:
Called up base on the HF and asked what the cloud was doing to see if there was a hole over the lake to sneak back through the clouds.
Our flight clerk jumps on the radio and obviously didnt quite think out what she was trying to say replied "Its clear in the clear bits" (not gonna comment on her hair colour here)

[777WakeTurbz]

Wouldnt be able to quote them, but most of the Foreign students radio calls around YPCK and YMAV are amusing to say the least... :} :ugh: :E

Turbz :ouch:

[tinpis]

Heard from Nomad waaaaay out over ocean on radar patrol

"Um..port chip lights come on ops normal ..call again at three-zero"

Later...

"Um..ooer..starboard chip lights just come on"

Quick as a flash from company AC...


"Can I have yer car?"



:p
was that you Simon ?

[bushy]

Coming back to Alice Springs from the rock in a lightie one day, and a Connair DC3 was outbound from Alice for the rock. He was not much higher than me, and after he passed overhead I called to advise that I had seen him pass. He replied " were we right over the top, or out to one side?" I replied that they were right over the top, to which he replied "Oh good, we are on track"

[flying-spike]

After giving a departure call out of Phillip Is.to Melbourne on a particularly nice summer evening.
Melbourne FS: "NBM, area QNH 1013.Is it nice out?
NBM: Sure is. So nice I might leave it out!

[TLAW]

In the run-up bay overheard a pilot advise tower there was some sort of debris on the runway. Thought it might be a dipstick. Car 5 goes out to investigate.
Tower : Car 5, can you spot that debris near the threshold? Might be a dipstick.
Car 5 : It's not a dipstick, although one might have been involved. It's a fuel dipper.
Tower : Roger.
Car 5 : I won't say who it belongs to on air, don't want to embarrass them.
Tower : Roger.
Car 5 : Yeah, it belongs to Alpha-Bravo-Charlie, but as I said, I don't want to embarrass them.
Tower : Good idea.

[asw28-866]

Joyflight in Tigermoth this morning in the clear blue (fairly chilly) skies over the Gold Coast hinterland...

"Is there a heater in this thing?"

...made me laugh(which warmed me up a bit).

'866'

[beeva]

On company frequency:

xxx, Where are you mate?

xxx, umm, I'm sitting up the front, in the left hand seat picking my nose...

xxx, haha, very funny, so what's your position??

xxx, well, I'm the Cheif Pilot for xxxxAir...what's your position?:p

[AerocatS2A]

After taking a German airline pilot flying in a Tigermoth, during which time he flew it for a while, poorly, he says, "How do you know you are straight and level without an artificial horizon?"

[Duff Shark]

Plane full of indiginous pax, in the KNX circuit turning final i get a tap on the arm, ' heeeey Piilooot ...... dont forget your puff checks'

[Cloud Basher]

Coming in to Cairns from the south behind the great big mountain at about 500ft AGL in a Partial Aviator. and after being told to say when I have the runway in sight. As I round the mountain

Me:"TWR", I have the runway Visual"
TWR: "I should hope so you are VFR"
Me: "Well even though I am VFR the visibility is not that great that I can see through the mountain!"

Laughs all around!

Cheers
CB

[Like This - Do That]

A few years ago I was heading south from Palm Beach to Long Reef to start a Victor 1. Sydney Approach was talking to another lighty (let's call him VH-ABC) and the following transpired:

Approach: "ABC I have heavy traffic departing 34L so I need you to hold. Do you know Chatswood?"
ABC: "Approach Roger I live there"
Approach: "ABC that's great - maintain 1500, direct Chatswood and orbit your house"
Unknown: "Say HI! to mum"

[Dry_Twotter]

In the Circuit after a busy bungles.

S.A. - "Tractor 1, what is your position in the circuit?"
Tractor 1 - "On the Ground, Mowing the grass"
S.A. - "Got you Visual"

[18-Wheeler]

Was talking with a friend on the company frequency, and he had a bad habit of using the wrong radio at the wrong time.
We were talking about getting the company to do maintenance on the planes, and it was pretty much up to just one guy, who was hard to extract any work approvals from.
So Fred (pysodonym) says, "I've done everything except call Ted a c**t to get this thing fixed!"
Followed by ...
"Oh s**t, that was on area ....!"

This isn't isolated - Another one was in a queue late one night trying to get out of Sydney in an MU-2, and someone ahead of him asked what the delay was as nothing much seemed to be happening. Thinking he was on company, he said, "There's someone f***ing taxying in Melbourne is there?"
"No, they're on final and you are on tower frequency!" replied the tower.

More if I remember them. :D

[Jnr380]

This happened to me at YMMB after landing during a CPL training NAV

Me: MB ground, requesting clearance to cross 35L
Tower: Cleared to cross 35L, how may people on board?
Me: 2 PAX on board.
Tower: There is something on the taxiway can you please grab it??
Me: Yeah no worries.
----Stopped the plane, instructor got out and grabbed the object------
Tower: What did you find??
Me: A sun shade with a picture of a plane on it
Tower: Be my guest to keep it.
Me: Thanks I'll drop it off at the tower later.

My $2 worth............

jnr380

[kiwi chick]

Not sure if it's true, but a well told story here:

Back in the day, Air NZ flight crossing over Cook Strait..

TWR: "Air NZ ABC, state current position"
ANZ: "Yeah Air NZ ABC, we're overhead the Cook Strait Ferry"
TWR: "Air NZ ABC, could you be a litle more specific please?"
ANZ: "um, sure, we're overhead the funnel..."

[Jedi]

ABC “DEF where are you”
DEF “xx DME on the xxx radial at xxxx feet”
ABC “Nar; I’m off your left wing… where are YOU?”
pilot of ABC sits up from laying in the isle!


Recently in PH:

TWR “ABC behind the 146 and the metro, line up”
ABC “behind the gas chamber and pencil of death line up ABC”

Thanks VeeTail, I still have a giggle at that one.
:ok:

[DeltaSix]

Hercules: Air Force 123 heavy, at the outer marker

TWR: Air Force 123 heavy, clear to land

----break---

TWR: Cessna 26 Tango, C130 on final, line up behind that aircraft

From an over ambitious student at the holding point

Cessna 152: Line up behind C130...ummm....errrr... 26 Tango Heavy :}

[The Chef]

Overheard a few years ago:

TWR: Be advised, many seaguls in vacinity of runway.
ABC: Roger
TWR: Car 4, any luck moving those seaguls yet?
CAR 4: Not yet... will let you know.
ABC: Have you tried $2 worth of chips!

[Crosshair]

TWR: XYZ, clear for takeoff, caution a rabbit at the far end of the runway.
XYZ: XYZ, clear for takeoff, roger rabbit.

[Flintstone]

On the old AirNorth night freight run 'someone' would land at Katherine on the southbound leg and fax a copy of the crossword from the NT News to Adelaide FS.

Top of climb on departure would be "Adelaide, Whisky Mike Papa (position etc) and.......what have you got for 1 Across?"

Well it kept me awake.

[cap71n]

Tower: "ABC, maintain best speed for as long as possible please."
ABC: "(laughs) wilco."

ABC is a C150.......

[Capnmakka]

Heard of this one - Pilot on approach was told by tower to keep a look out for a small fokker plane, to which he replied "I have the little fokker in sight!" :D

Another was an ex WW2 Lancaster pilot now flying for BA on approach into Berlin, must have been back in the day coz he asked Berlin tower for a bearing to the airport and the tower replied "Haven't you flown into Berlin before?" To which the Lanc Pilot replied "Yes, I have flown into Berlin twice, but it was at night and all the lights were out." Gotta love bomber Pilots.

[kiwi chick]

ABC is a C150....... :)

Reminds me of flying into Wellington last year:

TWR: "ABC continue approach, runway 16, number 1, maintain 90 knots to 300 feet"

ME: "continue approach 16, number 1 - and I'll try to speed up..." :ok:

poor little 152...

[rsull]

A FA come over the PA just before landing not that long ago when I was paxing to start work and said:

“The captain has just lowered the landing gear for your comfort, can everyone please make sure your seatbelts are fastened, etc etc.”

Thanks for that Captain it was very comfortable with the wheels down.

[Reverseflowkeroburna]

Thanks for that Captain it was very comfortable with the wheels down.

Yes, I've always imagined the pax enjoy the wheels down landings much more!!:}:}


A mate was departing Melbourne Terminal Area in an Archer into a fairly stiff Nor'wester was asked by ATC if he was a helicopter!!!! :\


And a student pilot (who clearly couldn't remember the technically correct call) on return from a solo nav years back:

VH-XXX: YY Tower, XXX, Westgate bridge, I'm comin' in!
YY Tower: Roger XXX, we'll be ready for ya!

[OpsNormal]

Heard at a foggy capital city this very morning on tower freq:

Taxying aircraft: "Good morning ladies and gentlemen.... ahhh"

Quick as a flash:

TWR: "Well good morning to you sir!"

Had a giggle, we've all (almost) done it.

Anothery from my training days back in the mid 90's when I was heading south coastal around Longreef for Victor 1 in a single. I had just made the required call when someone heading the other way responded to my call with:

"Hey is that an Archer based at A**s Av at BK?"

Me: "Yeah, why?"

"Oh nothing. Last time I flew that machine it dropped a valve."

I almost was going to inflate the lifejacket right then and there.....

:ooh::ooh::ooh::ooh::ooh:

[beeva]

I believe this is my old boss's claim to fame:

Sometime in the middle of the night on ML centre..

ABC Gees I'm F*****G bored!!

ML cen Aicraft that just called, identify yourself immediately!

ABC I said I was bored, not F*****G stupid!!

:}

[the wizard of auz]

Heard a VFR pushbike taxi at FTZ once. :E
also heard about twenty minutes of a stuck mike from center in the same area.
Hey Mike, I dunno whats wrong with it......... was working fine then I get nothing....... Piece of sh1t. come and have a look......I dunno, its stuffed like everything else.
Had me in stitches for half an hour.

[noexcessivecranking]

And what was the story with some pillock broadcasting music yesterday afternoon on Brisbane Centre 127.10?

[russianthru_thesky]

Haha classic, I hope it was good music???
Be good if the ABC would put some good beats on so I can get it through ADF. The old announcer droning on kinda sends me to sleep!!

[Eight Ball]

Some of you might have heard this already....... here goes

While cruising south of our continent


Pilot: Tassie, Black Knight 01 request flight level 650

ATC: Black Knight 01 clear to FL650...... (if you can reach it....he-he-he)

Pilot: Black Knight 01, US Air Force SR71 Blackbird descending to FL 650. ;)

[nomorecatering]

Heared on 122.4 the other day a pair of Indian voices, obviously on nav, stuck mike for about 3 mins, playing ëye spy with my little eye, something beginning with Ssssssssssssssssssss. When the open mike was fixed the radar controller piped up with........so what did u find that starts with S?

[russianthru_thesky]

Gotta love the SR71 eh Eight_ball? Check out the book called "Sled Drivers' I think it is. All sorts of good yarns about the Blackbird in there!!

[SmokingHole]

today a planespotter asked me if I'd ever heard of a 737 having its engines snuffed out due to a sudden gust from behind upon entering the jet stream core. As a lowly sub-FL dwelling person, the only guess I could muster was "...dunno. Sounds unlikely but I have known a few birds who responded quite unexpectedly from a gust up the tailpipe:eek:

[Keg]

Geez, for the second time tonight. Seriously?

Any instantaneous change in wind direction of 100 plus knots is going to cause a ****e load more dramas than snuffed out engines. Given that changes in wind speed (vertical and horizontal) of three to five knots tend to cause light turbulence then you can imagine the dramas with the sorts of numbers this bloke is thinking of.

The reality is that an airliner flying into a jet stream is not like a kayaker going from a standing start and jumping into a 100 knot river- I was going to go with '100 knot raging river of death' but thought that this wasn't appropriate for the example. We're already in an air stream moving (mostly) in the same direction as the jet. It would be like a kayaker going from a 98 knot part of the river into a 99 knot part and then into a 100 knot segment. The reality is that they would barely notice the difference in speed (probably because he's still so amazed at being in a 98 knot river to start off with :eek: :ok: ).

That's not to say that engines can't suffer surges and stalls from disrupted airflow or that turbulence can't be the cause of them- it certainly can. It's also not to say that you won't get these sorts of surges and stall when transitioning into a disrupted mass of air like a jet stream either. But it's certainly not going to be 'up the pipe' and snuffing it out that's the problem, rather it's just disrupted airflow into the engine due to the turbulence associated with the disrupted airflow on the edge of the jet. You're probably more likely to get a flame out associated with convective activity and TS rather than a jet stream.

Glad he's a plane spotter! :eek:

[wingnut_nz]

Overheard by me last week:
"ABC descending into low flying zone for simulated forced entry...uh...forced landing"

[nomorecatering]

Our chinese students come out with some gems. Due to their limited English pronounciation skills, you often have to bit your tounge.

Prior to start up one of students calles out.......Kear Plop. Another during the pre-start checks is prone to say Frap Up.

The other week one of the other instructors came back fro a flight. he said one of the students said to him in flight. "Sir, the other boys say you are very strict.........you say Phuck often"............then he looked at the instructor with a very serious look and said....."Sir, I wan you be strict with with me too.....you must Phuck me often too".

Needless to say, the poor instructor was a giggling mess for the rest of the flight.

[russianthru_thesky]

Your Kear Plop comment reminds me of someone I know who is most likely reading this right now. He prefers to yell "Black Prop" after hearing him say this a few times, I asked him what the hell he was talking about, to which he replies, "well, show me a Clear prop, the one on my plane is black!!"


Or better still, an old timer who busts around the area in the oldest, most beat up looking straightback 172 that hasnt seen paint in 40 years...before a start he just yells "...Get outta the f:mad:cking way!!!"

-Pure Class!!

[Scurvy.D.Dog]

..Gold :E .. Pure Gold :}

[Towering Q]

Had a moment not long ago when inbound to a remote minesite airstrip. We always call the ground staff on the way in and get surface wind etc.
"Good Morning XXXX base what's the wind doing down there today?"
A young bloke who was filling in for the normal radio operator replied....
"Ahh, it's blowing towards the sea container."
:confused::confused::ok:

[Jabawocky]

How about the Cirrus driver...........Whats this red handle do?

J

[Got the horn]

Learning to fly in the Nelson area a few years back, was with a mate. Had to transit through the Nelson CTR from the Sounds on the way to dirty old Mot. My mate established contact with Nelson tower and asked for "Clearance through the zone on track to Mot via the Matai Salad" There was a large pause from Nelson tower who eventually came back and cleared us via the Matai Saddle! Still get some mileage out of that one!

[trashie]

Ahhh Melbourne approach this is aaaaahhh juliet lima aaaahhhhhh, aaaahhhhh Pineapple.

[TimmyB]

Heard this on Adl Approach one afternoon.

"Adelaide Approach, Alpha Bravo Charlie descending to 4000 with whiskey........... and no you can't have any."

He didnt get a laugh out of the controller.

[tinpis]

They have wireless in the tower in Kiwi now ?

[slackie]

Yeh Tinpis...it's great! The valves give off so much heat we don't need to light the fire anymore!!:ok:

[StbdD]

"Practice Pan Pan P....... ah ****e.... Mayday mayday mayday, ABC engine out landing 10 miles north of XYZ."

Fast hands serve best in the pub. ;)

[Hailstop3]

Into TL a few weeks back:
Tl approach abc cleared 5000ft with Echo Echo Echo
Once again controller didnt find it funny, me on the other hand...

[206DOG]

(after arrival at the strip in the 210)
Pax: "what are those holes in the side of the plane for?"
Me: "thats where the wheels go"
Passenger looks very puzzled..
Pax: "Well, where are the wheels?" :ugh:


(after overtaking a 206 in the 210)
Pax: "Is this plane faster than that one?"

(After landing 206 in a bush strip)
Pax: "did the computer land the plane or was it you?"

Just a few examples of spontanious human stupidity displayed by the average Punter.......

[No Further Requirements]

Sunny Darwin one afternoon:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first officer ....... speaking. On behalf of captain four-bars and the cabin crew, welcome aboard flight.....to Adelaide. Weather enroute today.......blah blah blah...weather for our arrival.......once again, thanks for flying with ........ and enjoy your time with us."

After the 5 other aircraft madly jump in asking for descent/climb which they have been denied for the last 3 minutes, I say: ".......that pax brief was lovely, but it was on the APP frequency"

"Ah......sorry about that, looks like I'm buying the beers tonight.....and I have to do the stupid thing again!"

Lots of laughs fro all on freq.

Cheers,

NFR

PS. Names have been deleted to protect the guilty :}

[kiwi chick]

Overheard on Ohakea frequency - control used for passing traffic but airfield is military only:

OH: "ABC, Ohakea, do you copy?"

2 mins later:
OH: "ABC, Ohakea, do you copy?

2 mins later:
OH: "ABC, Okahea, do you copy?"

2 MORE minutes later:
ABC: "Ohakea tower, ABC. I heard you're trying to contact me?"

OH: "ABC, Ohakea. Er yes. Can you state current position please?"

ABC: "Um, hang on. I'm on a cross country north to Taupo. I'm at 1200 feet but I'm not actually, um, entirely sure exactly where i am"

OH: "ABC, we can tell you exactly where you are. You are in the active circuit at Okakea..."

:oh: I pray to never be in the air at the same time.... :ooh: :ooh:

[hard_yakka]

Tl approach abc cleared 5000ft with Echo Echo EchoI once promised myself that if I bought my own plane, I'd register it as ZK-EEE, just for the privilege of making the radio calls.... ( I see that it has already been taken by someone else with the same idea :* )

Just remember that rego WTH is the story of a good night out in Nelson...

[Shanty]

Looking for paddock near Biloela, once upon a time
newly spat out Ag2 so needed human markers
looking..looking nothing at all resembling the fax map.

Voice comes up on company channel

Farmer ....yer just flew past us
Me...........where are you?. (meaning N,S,E orW)
Farmer.....Yer on me left.

Nother little gem that used to come up a lot pre-GPS

Yer can`t miss it!

[Ref + 10]

Sitting down at lunch with the happy punters during an all day scenic. Had a very nice newly married couple and an old couple. Everyone getting on great...

Younger newly married guy "can I ask you a question about the plane?"

Me "Sure, but no promises about a correct answer"

YNMG "Now, I get that the engine on the front makes us fly through the air but where is the motor for the wheels on the ground?"

Me "Good one mate" (Others chuckles from around the table)

YNMG "No, seriously, there has to be another motor to make the wheels go around?"

The look on the poor Newly Married Womens face still makes me laugh...

[Eight Ball]

Here's another one..... read this from somewhere. Had to change the flight number as I don't remember the original one.

** United 123 is a DC10

United 123: Minneapolis Centre, United 123 maintaining flight level 380

ATC: United 123, turn left heading 090 for noise abatement

United 123: Turning left 090..... but, how much noise can we make down there from all the way up up here ?

ATC: Sir, have you heard how much noise a DC10 makes when it hits a 737 ???

[notmyC150v2]

He was probably just wondering what happened if the plane was on a conveyor belt... :}
hat, coat, fast exit :p:p

[kiwi chick]

ZK-EEE reminds me...

There was a Cougar around a while ago registered ZK-SSS... twas frequently called "Sierra three" or "Sierra cubed" by the tower, not sure I ever heard it called it's proper name - except by the owner - who had a lisp..... :ugh: and also chose the rego himself :ugh:

"Napier Tower, Thiera Thiera Thiera..."

The author confirms that this story is being recalled from an era of alcohol induced hazes and any reference to the said owner is followed by any apologies necessary...

[kiwi chick]

Ahhh Melbourne approach this is aaaaahhh juliet lima aaaahhhhhh, aaaahhhhh Pineapple.

singger... i read this this morning and I'm still giggling :} :} :}

[myshoutcaptain]

I'm loving the term for the Young New Married Guy ... YNMG .. classic in itself!:}

[Bullethead]

Many moons ago while driving a RAAF B707 from Trenton CFB in Ontario to McGuire AFB in New Jersey the local ATC centre piped up and asked Air Canada XYZ if he was ready to copy a re-route, he replied he was and then something along the lines of this came over the air,
"Air Canada XYZ cleared present position direct ABC, direct DEF, direct HJK direct etc etc"
After some delay the very slow talking Canadian came back with this,
"Air Canada XYZ arrrhhh we're radar vector qualified you know"
Quick as a flash centre replies,
"Air Canada XYZ fly heading 143"
Which makes you wonder why he didn't say that in the first place. :)
Regards,
BH.

[kiwi chick]

Because their ultimate goal in life is to make our job more difficult, if you are to believe all the threads on here... :E :ok: :ok:

[j3pipercub]

Never Forget these gems:

RFDS A/c early one morning airborne out of Charleville for Brisbane
FD*: Bn Cen Morning, FD* Airborne Charleville on climb FL* for Goondoowoowhoa hang on a sec...ah Toowoomba

Virgin Requesting level changes due to CAT.
VB: request FL360, 38 and 40 had medium chop

Anonymous Voice: It's lovely and smooth down here at 4000!

Lastly, 20 miles Hervey Bay inbound, busy circuit traffic, aftermath of Bundy Airshow.
ABC: All traffic ABC Cherokee Six over Hervey Bay CBD, 1500 inbound, circuit 2 minutes

Anon: I didn't know Hervey Bay had a CBD!!!!!????

Anon2: Ah well that's not what the council will have you believe!!!

had me in stitches and the pax wondering what was so funny

j3

[Flintstone]

ATIS at Coolangatta a few years ago when the tower supervisor turned up for work in a bad mood "This is Coolangatta information Grumpy.........":*

Apparently he heard it and cheered up so the next recording became......Happy!:O

Until, that was, some miserable bastard of an Ansett captain threatened to report them for non-standard phraseology:rolleyes:

Didn't stop the rest of us. For weeks afterward any ATIS with a letter corresponding to the seven dwarves was fair game.

[18-Wheeler]

Also heard at Coolly years ago, a lighty on the lighty taxiway ...

"Coolly Tower this is ABC, request intersexual departure."

[haughtney1]

Scene setter.....
A Willo 4C arrival is a standard instrument arrival from the south into London Gatwick, it comprises RNAV points Goodwood, Holly, and the Initial fix of Willo which is also the holding fix......:E

ATC "Air Portugal XXX Willo 4C arrival descend and maintain FL130"
A/C "Descend and maintain FL130 Willy arrrr Willo 4C" :}

ATC "Thompson xxx cleared direct holly willo to hold,...delays less than 10 minutes"
A/C "Cleared hollow willey to hold willy for less than 10 minutes........."
ATC "close enough....you might need moisturiser"...followed by giggles in the background :}:}:}

Or another favourite whilst in French airspace..

ATC "Monarch XXX zay maccch nummberrrrr"
Us "Mach number" :}:}

ATC "Monarch XXX zay 'eading"
Us "'eading" :}:}:
Makes the day go a bit faster :p

[Roger Copy Ta]

On approach to Brisbane,

APP: ABC track via Hornibrook Viaduct maintain 1500'

ABC: Maintaining 1500' on track Horny.... ahhh.... Horny what? :=

[ITCZ]

Back when there was such a thing as Flight Service..

A female voice pops up on Area.

"Adelaide, ABC, departed Beltana 42, tracking 042, climbing 4500, Gluepot at 13, request area QNH in inches."

Obviously a bit of trouble with the millibar subscale.

"ABC, no traffic, area QNH 1013."

"Adelaide, ABC, request area QNH in inches"

"ABC, area QNH 1013"

A few other calls go by....

Young female voice again: "Adelaide, ABC?"

Unknown: "For pity's sake Adelaide, its two-niner decimal niner two inches, and with that sort of length, you'll have to feed it to her nice and slow!"

:hmm:

[Flintstone]

During my line training on my first ever multi-crew jet job I was crewed with a training captain who become something of a mentor. He was also an ex-ATC from the London area and so knew most of the controllers who recognised his voice from time to time which was good for a bit of banter.

Crossing London one day one of his ex-colleagues tried to load him up with "ABC you have traffic in your one o'clock, one thousand feet below, tracking left to right. Traffic in your twelve o'clock, one thousand feet above, tracking right to left. Traffic in your eleven o'clock, same altitude, same track, five miles..........", he gave us about eight aircraft to look for. "This'll be good" I thought, wondering how he was going to respond. There was a brief pause before he took a deep breath, keyed the mike and in a deep, god-like voice said "I SEE THEM ALLLLLLLLLLLLL"

[NDB Alpha]

Remember in the last decade of the last millenium (f.ck that makes me feel old!) they started naming reporting points after some controllers around NZ. Anyway, they had the BROWN hold (on the NR-WO track) after a previous NR ATCO and MOOSE on the NR-RO track I think after a Canadian arrived at NR...well shortly before the Canadian left another reporting point (and en-route hold) called BEAVER turned up...this lead to clearances like....
"ABC hold the BEAVER"
"DEF Climb in the BEAVER"
"GHI go down in the BEAVER"
"JKL precautionary hold your BEAVER"

...and replies like...
"ABC is holding a BEAVER"
"DEF established in the BEAVER"
"GHI is that Fokker in the BEAVER?"

etc. etc. etc.

[11percent]

On desc into Adl a few years back. The F/O came up with this gem...


"Adl App. ABC on desc 5000' and I'm on top and in and out with Juliet"

[aviation85]

an aircraft stil on the circuit runway at jandakot and the following aircraft sent around:
alpha bravo charlie goround
going round alpha bravo charlie youre f#*^$%g kidding
with the downwind call the pilot apologised to tower and said it was for the preceding aircraft!!

[piston broke again]

Inbound to Perth one weeknight a braz was on minimum fuel and received holding instructions from ML CEN.

Braz: ML CEN, ABC, do you have a landing time for us, we need to land by 55 as we're low on fuel
ML CEN : ABC, we have a landing time of 54 for you its locked in.
Braz: Lock it in, thanks Eddie!
ML CEN: (laughing)

[18-Wheeler]

In a Metro going into Wagga Wagga, and just clipping through the bottoms of the clouds.
Tower asks, "Are you visual?"
"Excuse the expression, but I'm in & out of bottoms."
:)

[kiwi chick]

Braz: Lock it in, thanks Eddie!

I don't get that one? :O :O

[Toluene Diisocyanate]

It's an Ozzie thing, K.C. Sorta like "shut the Taranaki gate" would get a few strange looks over here in Oz;)
"Eddie" was a B-grade presenter with a B-grade show. The only person worse is that O'Keefe fella :yuk::yuk::yuk:

[Schmoostyler]

This very fine morning

(on short final)
VHABC: Tower, vhabc confirm displaced threshold is in use?

Tower: Ahh, affirm, there is about fifty trucks on the runway.

[SmokingHole]

Oh My God That Is funny!
:D

[romeocharlie]

Also heard at Coolly years ago, a lighty on the lighty taxiway ...

"Coolly Tower this is ABC, request intersexual departure."


I believe the response from the tower was ''So you don't require the full length?''

all hearsay...

[piston broke again]

Back in the days you stuck your head out the window and called out "clear prop" - most of the time it was always "f**k off!"

[bushy]

One night, a long time ago, I was flying a Baron for the RFDS, and we were bringing a VERY pregnant lady into town. Sometimes those ladies just won't wait, and this was one of those times.
Soon I called flight service and asked them to ammend the number of people on board from three to four.
This was followed by a very long silence before I got a reply.

[troppo]

Maori Ownership ;)

[kiwi chick]

snigger...

[multi_engined]

What a great thread, it's had my stomach hurting on many occassions.

Well done to the O/P.

[J0N0]

Sitting on the bay the other morning getting ready to depart and heard on company frequency an exchange between aircraft (A) and Company (C) that went something along the lines of.....

A: xxx Ground just wondering on the delay, we are still waiting on the caterers......

C: Your CSM thought the bread rolls were not the right ones and sent them away although we have checked and the bread rolls WERE infact correct. Inlight of current policy though the CSM has no right to delay departure due catering and s/he will have to wear this delay.

A: Oh ok sounds like a bit of a bun flight then
(to which my skipper and I lost it!!! :)

C: (without missing a beat) Well s/he should not delay due catering and will have to cop the delay, I have cancelled the order now and you can continue.....etc etc

(bit of a shame when O.T.P is taken THAT seriously!!!)

[AirlinePirate]

Arr.

The other day I be hearin':

DEVL01: "**** Radio, Devil One, Request"

no response, so a few seconds later.

DEVL01: "**** Radio, Devil One, Request"

still no response.

VH-ABC: "**** Radio, ABC"

Radio: "ABC go ahead"

VH-ABC: "**** Radio, for your information, the Devil has been trying to contact you."

Unknown voice: "Did you eat the forbidden doughnut?"

Arr.

[Go Right Ahead]

Inlight of the arrrogance of the french, heard the following a while back which still brings a smile to my face and those on the air that day..

An Air France B747 was following another airline A340(XYZ), which was ahead and of course being an A340, wasnt climbing nor cruising the quickest for that matter....XYZ was assigned FL310 and AF was assigned FL280...

AF: Centre just confirm that XYZ is operating on all 4 engines

CTR: AF please say again

XYZ: AF, we are a french build aircraft after all(in his best french)....:ugh:

We all lost it after that, im sure the crew in XYZ were on the ground too, although Im sure AF didnt see the funny side of that one....:oh:

[Tree]

A long time ago. Midnight sun charters (fly the punters a non-stop route up north and return in June when the sun never sets up there). Leave YVR at midnight and at 02:00 we are basking in the Arctic sun. Open flightdeck (told you it was a long time ago); Einstein comes up, looks at the sun and declares "well that isn't the same sun we have at home!"
Captain and I are temporarily incapacitated.

[207Wannabe]

After an aborted scenic due to rather severe turbulence my big tough looking passenger with shaved head, earings and tatoos:

"I don't mind going on a scary show ride... but when I think I'm gonna F^@#*N DIE!!!"

He flew with me again the following day and even gave a $30 tip.

Pax: "So where is the aeroplane?"
Me (pointing to the lonely 172): "It's just there!"
Pax: "That thing? But it only has one engine!!?"

Pax: "Who's the copilot?"
Me: "You can be my copilot"
Pax: "What happens if something goes wrong?"
Me: "You will be the first to know about it!"

Pax: "My son used to hang glide... he really loved flying!"
Me: "Oh yeah... so he doesn't fly any more?"
Pax: "... he was killed three years ago"
Me: (Silence)

[jumpuFOKKERjump]

"ABC, VFR traffic 10 o'clock 3 miles, heading south descending through 3100 FT unverified."

"ABC, I'm looking... Oh! there he is he just dropped out of the cloud."

Not wanting to be involved in such a conversation I reply, "I didn't hear that."

"ABC, I've sighted the traffic, he just dropped out of the cloud."

[empacher48]

One day on a scenic with multiple company aircraft aloft doing flights from different aerodromes into the same area, our company director pipes up, talking to one of our other pilots:

"XXXX Where are you?"

"I'm over here YYYYY"

"Oooooooooook."

[thrust clb]

Student Pilot (sounds indian): Manila Approach this is RP-C 1123, we are outbound on Manila Vor radial 165, destination Caticlan, 45 dme..do you have any traffic along this radial?

Manila Approach: 1123 say your flight level?

Indian student pilot: We are at flight level seven-five-zero-zero.

Manila App.: (chuckling) There is absolutely no traffic at that flight level.

Philippine Airlines a320: Maybe a space shuttle?

Northwest 747: "Houston... we have a problem"

[ForkTailedDrKiller]

At the old Brisbane airport, I had just landed on the cross runway in a C172 and was taxying in as an Ansett B727 is taxying out.

The ground controller tells the 727 to give way to me at an intersection. Didn't have much choice as he can't taxy any further until I get out of his way.

As I taxy past the nose of the 727, I give the crew the thumbs up - well its not every day a 727 has to stop for a 172, is it!

Unidentified voice comes over the radio: "I'll suck you right in son"!

Dr :cool:

[Lasiorhinus]

Indian student pilot: We are at flight level seven-five-zero-zero.



Isnt that a coded message trying to inform ATC the aircraft in question has been hijacked??

[jumpuFOKKERjump]

Isnt that a coded message trying to inform ATC the aircraft in question has been hijacked?? If it were I wouldn't blather about it on a public forum you ****:ugh:

[AirlinePirate]

Arr.

Ye be right - be in on yer transponder, or the radio, or tattooed carrier pigeons, passing the number 7500 to ATC in any form be passing a very specific message.

And if ye're not permitted to talk about it, tell me parrot just how wee pirates be supposed to learn such things exist??

Arr.

[Zhaadum]

JumpFokker,

Hijack code 7500 or more specifically unlawful interference, is published in AIP and that is avaliable freely on the net to ANYONE. It is not top secret.

Any computer literate Al Queda or Taliban can read it so whats the secret?:bored:

[AerocatS2A]

Last I looked, 7500 had been removed from the AIP.

[thrust clb]

Flight level 7 5 0 0...means he is at 750,000 feet. If he said " my altitude is 7,500 feet" he would be understood by the controller that he is at vfr altitude. probably different phraseology here.:confused:

[Zhaadum]

AIP ENR 1.6 subsection 7.2 Transponder emergency codes
A/L 52 effective 30 Aug 07

7.2.1 The pilot of an aircraft encountering an emergency in flight, other than loss of two-way communications, should select code 7700 unless he/she has specific reason to believe that maintaining the assigned code would be the better course of action.

7.2.2 The pilot of an aircraft subject to unlawful interference should select code 7500.

7.2.3 The pilot of an aircraft losing two-way communications should select code 7600.

All there in black and white. Osama is taking notes...

[Two_dogs]

Heard this one second hand, but believe it to be true. Subject aircraft is a Decathlon not registered to a Mike anybody at this time, but may have been once, or perhaps just piloted by Mike.

Fellow called Mike is inbound to a controlled airfield in VH-MMM and the ATIS is Mike.

Initial call went, Approach, gidday this is Mike on the Mike in the Mike Mike Mike received Mike...request clearance.

[bushy]

A long time ago I brought the family from Adelaide to Alice Springs by Airline. At the Adelaide airport, they loaded our bags, and then discovered they had a weight problem, so they transferred us to the "other" airline that was going to the same place at the same time.
We got airborne first, and the aircraft with our bags followed close behind. Our kids were a bit concerned about our bags. I asked if they could see the cockpit and they went to have a look. The little girl told the captain that another aeroplane was following us with our bags. He replied "yes, they have to follow us because they don't know the way".

[Rich Pitch Power]

This one was told to me by an instructor whilst I was learning to fly in the early 90's in Africa.....

This particular training/GA airport could get a bit busy in the circuit but had a number of fairly competent controllers who could get a little excited when things were not going exactly as they should. On the day in question there were six or seven aircraft in the circuit when an inbound out of town aircraft starts making calls requesting directions to the airfield due to the haze that builds in summer and if you don't know where it is the field is difficult to see until you are right over it even with good weather. The controller gives directions and help as best she can but the inbound pilot can't see the field and has descended to what is circuit height in an attempt to see the field. Poor old controller can suddenly see the arrival which is now about to enter her well organised circuit overhead the field and issues the following instruction....

"All stations .... this is ....Tower, please scatter!"

[tail wheel]

"Student Pilot (sounds indian): Manila Approach this is RP-C 1123, we are outbound on Manila Vor radial 165, destination Caticlan, 45 dme..do you have any traffic along this radial?"Who cares? Caticlan is the airport to access Boracay Island, probably the best beach resort in Asia and an oft frequented place by this Mod! :ok:

Not sure I'd be interested in going there in any Phils training aircraft.......... :hmm:

[Pinky the pilot]

Cruising around the mountains north of Kerema, PNG another lifetime ago now in a BN2 and after landing called up Flight Service to cancel SAR. The Port Moresby FSU had quite a few local Females on its staff and I knew a few by name. The conversation went something like this.....

Me; ''Moresby, India Sierra Mike,6622, landed Kiantiba, cancel SAR''

Moresby FS; ''India Sierra Mike, Kiantiba sarwatch terminated''

I thought I recognised the voice of the FSO so...

Me; ''Is that you Veronica?''

Quickly, politely but firmly came the reply,

''Sorry, wrong number!''
:uhoh::O

[jetstar1]

Heard not long ago on Melbourne Radar.

"Melbourne Radar, XXX, request status of Avalon Airport"

"XXX, Radar, the airport is still there, but there's no controllers"

:ok:

[Old 'Un]

Passed on to me by a mate flying RPT a bit north of here:

A/c: "XX Tower, Romeo Romeo Romeo"
Twr: "Romeo Romeo Romeo, XX Tower, wherefore art thou?"

Mate had trouble maintaining straight & level for quite a while.

Le Vieux

[Captain Biggles84]

On an nice Sunday morning in the Bungles with bare VMC conditions existing due to smoke and haze reducing vis to 1-2km especially to the North of the Bungles.

I was established in the pattern when i heard this " Traffic Bungles DMS IFR 207 15 miles north east of the bungles 3000 inbound. Ne tip at 47"

I thought it rather odd and didnt quite catch on at first..:hmm: An IFR 207??? Then shortly followed by "Bungles traffic LNO 10 miles to the Northeast 2500 looking for the Bungles" then i caught on.. there was some more humour to follow but this was the icing on the cake

" Bungles Tower LNO overhead the NE tip 2500 with foxtrot request clearance"

replying as Bungles tower "LNO Bungles tower, good morning.. would you like radar vectors for the pattern?" "LNO affirm" "LNO roger, turn right heading 200 maintain 2500' "

nothin like that to break the 3rd bungles scenic in row up especially on a sunday:D

[Scurvy.D.Dog]

... as relayed by a colleague just the other day
.
.. young lady .. trainee .. dual VFR training .... clearly thrilled to be flying that day
.
.... departs .... and calls clear of CTA:-
.
... (excitedly in a happy way) ...." tower ...... we are outa control" :} :D :} :)
.
:uhoh: :ooh: :suspect: :}
.
.... thank gooorrd for Radar and a TXPDR with Alt :8
.
... much giggles throughout the day :ok:
.
... most importantly .... laughing with ... not at, our fellow aviatrix :ok: :ok:

[Jabawocky]

Good chance if you keep a recording of next weekend you will have enough material to write a book.....:E

Might have to see what I can come up with for you!;)

J:}

[Scurvy.D.Dog]

:} ... Jabbaprune .... inbound from the north ..... :} :E :ok:

[AnyGivenSunday99]

Some of my most memorable flights seem to have been punctuated by humourous RT. Australian GA is full of interesting characters with a wicked sense of humour. It's great to hear!

For example, i read a post here years ago:

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney Approach...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."


"Traffic NumbulWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

[j3pipercub]

On Centre.

Centre Skytrans blah departed Mornington time...etc (in a female voice)

Anon: G'day Michelle....

After a lengthy silence

Different Anon: FAIL!

......And

Centre blah blah (on guard)

Guard then gets at least 4 seconds of overtransmitted 'you're on guard'

Short silence then,

(Someone making police siren sounds, followed by) GUARD POLICE! CEASE AND DESIST!!!

[The Green Goblin]

You're showing your age Airsupport, that is the second time you have posted that post on this thread, the first time back in 2007 :}

[airsupport]

Well I can't find it, and someone has merged the topics. :rolleyes:

I deleted it now to stop your whining, it was a true story and I thought an interesting one and on topic, should know better than to post here. :mad:

[davidgrant]

perhaps not "In the sky" but close enough
Overheard from a de-briefing room at a large sim complex.
Old gravelly exasperated voice:

"Son please listen to what I say.....and I dont care what your log book says..
Your wife's legs have more time in the air than you!!!"

[Aye Ess]

Many decades ago,Brisbane Control used to delight in getting Asian airlines to ''Report over Cunnamulla''.....''Ahhh,over Cumallulla...cullamulna...cumanulla....over Charee Myyyk Awfra''

[GADRIVR]

AC "..... gnd, ABC for ......, request airways clearance."

Silence from gnd.

AC "..... gnd, ABC for ....., request airways clearance"
More silence.

"Gnd ABC"

ATC "............Yes?" (womans voice)

".....gnd, ABC for.....,request airways clearance"

ATC "......you didn't even say goodbye this morning"

AC....annoyed voice " do we have to discuss this now???!!"

ATC, "no...we don't"

ATC.....(male voice) ABC, cleared direct .... etc etc etc:D

[Runaround Valve]

Around 25 years ago when Dick Smith was in charge of the CAA/CASA for the first time I heard the following. After about 6 P M when it got quiet the international terminal tower operations were done by the main tower.
On the International Terminal building was a neon sign that said SYDNEY Kingsford Smith AIRPORT. The letters Kingsfor were missing.
A Qantas B747 Combi arrived at dusk from Auckland or Chrishchurch, landing on runway 25. Tower said to 'take next exit left to bay 7'. Aircraft came back with 'its good to see the terminal is named after the chairman on the CAA/CASA' No reply from the tower.

[Aye Ess]

Back in the early 70s,a Boeing 727 & a Dept of Civil Aviation(now CAA) aircraft were inbound to Brisbane one evening. Back then any Departmental employees were highly despised.The DCA pilot was being difficult,requesting this,questioning that.....
Grizzled B727 Capt "All DCA pilots are arrogant & rude''
DCA pilot "Approach,I want the callsign & operating company of that last transmission!!!"
Grizzled B727 Capt "See what I mean''

[The Green Goblin]

Well I can't find it, and someone has merged the topics.

I deleted it now to stop your whining, it was a true story and I thought an interesting one and on topic, should know better than to post here.

No need to burst an artery there mate, Anygivensunday and J3 have posted theirs twice too :D

[FFG 02]

I seem to remember as a young lad reading the funny radio transmissions in the back of the "Oz Aviation" mag. Why did they do away with that?

It was called on the airways wasn't it?

[Pinky the pilot]

Why did they do away with that?
It was called on the airways wasn't it?

Yes it was, and from memory the reason given at the time by the magazine was (allegedly) that CASA had been reading the column and attempting to locate some of the contributors to the column with a view to possible prosecutions because of percieved breaches of legislation.:yuk:

No, I'm not joking.

[Wally Mk2]

Whilst it's not illegal ( as far as I know) to transmit non std R/T procedures it can be annoying at times but funny where appropriate-) 121.5 users? Don't get me started on them !!! grrrrr

Many years ago heard on ML Dep/App 124.7 (long gone now) an Alitalia 747 was cleared direct to BDG (Bendigo around 50nm nth ML) The strong Italian voice came back with......... okay cleared direct to 'Bendingo'. etc...........from some quick witted other contributor "nah mate 'Bendingo' is near Ayers Rock!!

My home Twr often says when I am handed over to them for a Ldg ...yr No 1, I have said in the past during quiet times "that's what my mum used to say":ok:




Wmk2

[PA39]

Overheard while I was manning the base station.

Inbound KingAir: (female) giving inbound call.

Company Chieftain at holding point WITH OPEN MIKE: "Have you ever seen this bird? I wouldn't mind filling her pants."

KingAir: "You wouldn't even fit into my shoes buddy".

:\Silence!!

[PA39]

While I'm on a roll.

We were in a Citation, following a Tomahawk (Piper) on final.( at the then called Cooly.)

TWR to T' Hawk: You have a Citation following, please expedite your approach.

:ooh:T'hawk; What does expedite mean?

Tower: Look out the back window, those landing lights must be burning holes in the back of your head!!

[SayAgainSlowly]

A few years ago at BK:

Tower was having some trouble with someone they'd just lined up.

TWR - '...cleared for take off' - no response.
TWR - '...cleared for take off' - no response.

After a couple more attempts, and a couple of go-rounds from final, TWR gave a comms check

'...how do you read?'

ACFT - 'Read you five'

TWR - 'WELL IT'S NOT A PICNIC SPOT! Roll now or get off the runway!'

[PPRuNeUser0163]

Overheard couple months ago whilst flying not far from Albury and on Melbourne Centre.

ATC "unidentified vfr aircraft in the xxx area 4700 you are in controlled airspace"

Pilot "ah yes centre this is abc maintaining 4700.. so sorry about that , i had the autopilot engaged and started to lean the mixture but then it kept on climbing through 4500 and it didnt level off"

ATC - no response.. I couldn't help but have a bit of a chuckle:)

[Nil defects]

Years ago friend taxi's C172 out to threshold in Perth and calls tower.

Tower - "ABC clear for take-off."
Aircraft -" sorry tower, I have a personal problem and will have to taxi back in."
Tower understands problem and reply's:
"that's ok, you can do it there if you want, call when ready"
Friend sets park brake has leak on runway.
Aircraft "ABC ready for departure"
Tower "ABC clear for take Off, caution runway wet"

[flyinkiwi]

A flustered student accidentally presses the PTT on the tower frequency: "I have no idea what I am doing!"
Tower: "Well that's good to know"


A flight instructor and tower controller having a friendly banter on a quiet afternoon:
ABC: "What must you do when departing an active runway?"
Tower: "You must always blow on the pie."
ABC: "Safer airways together"
:ok:

[Yankee_Doodle_Floppy_Disk]

Or another favourite whilst in French airspace..

ATC "Monarch XXX zay maccch nummberrrrr"
Us "Mach number"

ATC "Monarch XXX zay 'eading"
Us "'eading" :
Makes the day go a bit faster

This is an oldie, but a goodie.

You forget to mention the bit where the controller says:
"Monarch XXX zay incident report" :=

[Moony123]

Aircraft "ABC ready for departure"
Tower "ABC clear for take Off, caution runway wet"


Hahaha! I like that one :D

[18-Wheeler]

A mate of mine would often ask for an 'intersexual departure' at Cooly if the right guys were in the tower. :)

[Ex FSO GRIFFO]

SY FSC, around mid 1975 or so, one G. Smith (ret.) sitting on console servicing Central / Western NSW airspace, 'chasing' a VFR aircraft inbound to HAY with last light approaching........

"ABC, Will you be able to make Hay while the sun shines"........

The room fairly well 'cracked up'...:ok::ok:
Surly Old Supervisor NOT impressed....:uhoh:

[Nil defects]

I enjoyed flying out of Kununurra in the early 80's. The Flight Service guys and girls were a good bunch and always good for a laugh.

A departure call would go like this:

Aircraft: "Kununurra ABC departed 24, tracking 289, climbing 5000"
FS : "Knock Knock"
Aircraft: "Ok, who's there"
FS: "Erica"
Aircraft "Erica who"
FS "Area QNH 1024, have a good day"


(ps thanks for those days Jacko, Mal, Dave and to the other FSO's - they were good fun)

[B190]

Approach: ABC have you captured the Localizer?

ABC: Ahh negative but we have it surrounded.

[18-Wheeler]

I might have done this years ago on the drop in a Metro into Wagga Wagga ...

There were a lot of low-level clouds around and I was cutting through the lower parts of them. When I called the tower I couldn't call visual or IFR, nor the often-used "in and out of tops" so I improvised ....
".... please excuse the expression but I'm in and out of bottoms."
Got a good laugh. :)

[davidgrant]

Heard this on HF in New Guinea back in the seventies.

"Moresby Moresby...apinoon wan tok...dis pella balus nem ABC...
Losim ples nem Tabubul at 123...cam along on top FL 390...cam down
kissim ples nem Moresby..em i stop Tasol"...must have been buie night.

[C-change]

Just finished watching a doco on Canadian Air Force F18 course and the course are in the air-to-air refuelling stage. The students are having trouble at first but eventually get the hang of probe and drouge refuelling.

The only female student on the course has just completed her first hook up to the USAF C135 and is very excited when the following is said;

Male instrucor " So remember, once its in, its not over "
Female student " You need to tell a lot of guys that "

[Super Cecil]

Fancy letting wimmin fly planes!!!! :}

[Art of Flying]

As a pax on a QF flight to Narita, Captain announces our arrival at a local time of seven minutes past seven, on the seventh of the seventh, 2007!

And people question the airlines timing :p

[kellykelpie]

My three favorites:

1)British Airways 747 is clearing the runway when the tower advises "Speedbird 22 just for information you were slightly to the left of the localiser on final". The Captain responds calmly "affirm and my co-pilot was slightly to the right of the localiser".


2)British Airways taxiing at Frankfurt receives irrate tower message "Speedbird 6, I told you to take taxiway November, have you not been here before". Captain responds "Affirm, I was here in 1944 but I didn't land, I only dropped something off".

3)Tower "Romeo Whiskey Foxtrot report position".. RWF "Grade 3 instructor sir"...

Approach: ABC have you captured the Localizer?

ABC: Ahh negative but we have it surrounded.

My new favorite - thanks B190

[Graybeard]

Pacific Southwest Airlines pilot on initial approach, to ATC, "If you don't clear us lower soon, you'll have to shoot us down."

I don't suppose they use words like that anymore.

[oicur12]

Back in the early nighties of night freight we had a company freq known as the filth channel. Always yabbering on about crap and occasionally someone would forget to change from VHF 1 ATC to VHF 2 for the filth.

One night as metro's passed each other in the dark going opposite ways, one metro calls across the airwaves, "hey GXX, Ive got my ass pressed up against the cockpit window, can you see it".

To which a terse response came across, "no, but my radar can, your on control freq"

[frigatebird]

Not a radio call, but a P.A. you had to get in the right order or it confused a lot of punters.
Redeye Special all-nighter, Nadi - Faleolo, T.O.D and crossing the International Date Line 2 hours before midnight Monday night Fiji time.
'Please set your watches forward an Hour and back a Day.'

Turnaround, then T.O.C. coming back via an ETOPS Dogleg to be near an open-all-night Tonga offtrack alternate. Midnight Fiji ticks over.
'Please set your watches back an Hour and forward a Day.'

Pax who boarded in Fiji, on Monday night had Monday all over again in Samoa when the sun came up. The ones going the other way missed out on a Monday altogether.

[Aerohooligan]

On the wall above the urinal at work:

'Pilots with short defuelling probes or low manifold pressure, please taxi in closer - the guy after you may not have a seaplane rating!

Thankyou, the barefoot pilot.'

[Aerohooligan]

And a couple of others...

flying into Snake Bay in the 210 a few months back, I make my inbound call 20nm out 'Traffic Snake Bay, ABC etc'...

followed instantly by a colleague also in the area keying the mike and thunderously announcing 'MMMILIKAPITIIIIIIII!!!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Departing Groote Eylandt in the 210 about 18nm ahead of a B1900:

Me: '1900 XXX, for your information XXX, VFR 210 is 18 miles west of Groote, passing 6700 on climb 8500, also tracking 286 for Darwin.'

1900, after a short pause: 'XXX, ah, yeah, no worries mate, we'll outclimb you easily.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Arriving Darwin one day, I was approaching Runway 11, which has a taxiway to the left (C) about 300m in and intersects runway 36/18 at about 400m. It was a wet day, the runway surface was damp the crosswind was 15 knots gusting. I received the following clearance from tower:

TWR: 'XXX, runway left or alternatively taxiway Charlie available, cleared to land runway 11.'

Me: 'Cleared to land runway 11 and we'll try for runway left, XXX.'

TWR: 'I think you'll probably be right...'

I landed (slightly floaty due gusty wind) and almost pulled up quick enough to get off at Charlie. Rolling towards 36/18 intersection:

TWR: 'I see you'll be vacating runway left - vacating contact ground.'

Me: 'XXX, was there ever any doubt? Vacating left, contacting ground, bye.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Departing Darwin in the 210 with a little bit of weather on upwind, number one to a somewhat irritated Qantas 737:

QF: 'Qantas 842, can you please explain why you've got me holding for a 172?'

TWR: 'Because he's VFR and there's cloud on upwind, I can't ensure visual separation if he goes into cloud or you do.'

QF (rather astutely): 'um...if he goes into cloud that would mean he's suddenly not so VFR, now wouldn't it?'

[MyNameIsIs]

Frequently hear QLink (only RPT that operate some of the places i've been) call in/out bound on radials..... despite the fact that there are no VORs at said locations.

I find it funny- but some of them seem to not like being corrected by a lowly VFR piston driver :}


Oh, and people in their SUPER king airs! ha i love that one.
We become Super Cherokees and Super 182s and so on!

[Captain Nomad]

SUPER king airs! ha i love that one.

Well, that's what they are... You're just envious! :p :}

[Milt]

F-86 pilot over Nth Korea " May Day, May Day, Gopher 4, Seperated from my section and surrounded by five Migs."

Section Leader " 4, you got a Distinguished Flying Cross ?"

Gopher 4 - affirmative."

"Well get on with it and do some distinguished flying!"

[morno]

MyNameIs,
Whilst it may seem gay to call it a 'Super King Air', it's what they're actually called. Most will just shorten it to 'King Air', but no point getting up them because they're calling it by it's correct name.

morno

[Dookie on Drums]

hmmmm almost like the "Super Chieftain" I used to fly...never prefixed it by "Super" though :}

[Bing Gordon]

Traffic XXX, XXX, an IFR boeing 737-800NG taxiing.......

Traffic XXX, XXX a Cessna 172 RG taxiing.....

Traffic XXX, XXX a Piper Malibu Jet Prop taxiing.....

Yeah you're right, they are the aircraft types but coooooooooooome onnnnnnnn...........

[amberale]

Try this thread.

http://www.pprune.org/atc-issues/59309-atc-humour-merged.html

65 pages and counting :ok:

AA

[MyNameIsIs]

morno, true, i see your point using the full....

but i find the 'super' a bit wanky on the radio- nobody really knows the difference.
Most guys don't bother saying it, but some do...


if you wanted to take it to the extreme, may as well say Beechcraft Super KingAir...
or Piper Aircraft Incorporated Papa Alpha Two Eight One Sixty One Warrior Two...... :}


I didn't quite get up them, i just wanted to sound cool (or super duper) too :ok:

[The Green Goblin]

Or people calling a Metro a Metroliner on the radio :}

[Jamair]

A Kingair is a A,B,C,E (etc) 90 or 100. (but not a Beech 99....)

A Super Kingair is a Kingair 200, B200, B200C, B300.

Similar but quite different aircraft. I know several people who use the different terms 'on air' because they are or were rated on the different aircraft; not because they are w@nkers.

Cleared that up?

[startingout]

I'm also sure you will find "Metroliner" is written into some companies SOP's :ok:

[djpil]

At an aerobatic competition in 2008 a bunch of people were flying the same Super D and every radio call used the full name Super Decathlon. To avoid confusion, as they look the same from a distance, I decided I should also use the full name for mine - Standard Decathlon.

There are a number of Decathlons (actually Standard Decathlons) based at Moorabbin and the tower often refers to each as a Bellanca, which happens to be correct for those. Friend with a Citabria used to hate being called a Bellanca as his was made by Champion. More fun when a visitor arrived in a newer Super D which was made by American Champion. "Follow the Bellanca ... " - "Champion sighted but not the Bellanca" - just in my imagination - the tower guys and gals do a grand job but we just have a chuckle to ourselves.

One of my students at one time worked as ATC elsewhere so I thought I would learn a few things. Inbound to Moorabbin one day, some time after calling at the inbound reporting point and having instructions to join the circuit the tower asked our position - my student was speechless, couldn't think how to respond then he blurted out "Why are they asking us that?"

Late one Sunday arvo on a beaut day. XXXXX called at an inbound reporting point. A big event as he was solo having regained his medical after a long struggle. Very few others in the air but it was amazing how many recognised his voice/aeroplane and made it known they realized the significance of that flight to him. "Hello XXXXX ..... Gday XXXXX .........XXXXX .... XXXXX etc."

More recently, a student primed for the new procedures at Moorabbin on taxi to 31 so needed clearance to cross a number of inactive runways ".... request clearance to cross all active runways." Response was laughter.

[ollie_a]

There is in fact no longer such thing as a Super Kingair; they are all now officially Kingairs as the 'Super' was dropped in 1996.

See Hawker Beechcraft (http://www.hawkerbeechcraft.com/beechcraft/)
and Beechcraft Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beechcraft_Super_King_Air)

[18-Wheeler]

Or people calling a Metro a Metroliner on the radio

I'd occasionally slip in a 'Metrosexual'. :)

[Polymer Fox]

Aircraft calls for airways clearance today:

BK Ground: XXX there will be a slight delay, I'm currently choking on my coffee.

[Towering Q]

I'm currently choking on my coffee

What goes around, comes around. Those ATCers always give me a frequency change when I have a mouth full of biscuit.:suspect:

[MyNameIsIs]

I like getting told by the bigger machines "i've got you on TCAS"

so i turn my XPDR off and say "how about now?"

i chuckle to myself.... :E

[tipsy2]

Onward clearance to an F111 after an ILS at Tamworth was acknowledged as "Thanks Mum, see you for dinner tomorrow".

Female ATCer was infact the F111 drivers mother.

tipsy

[Freewheel]

A friend of mine in SA training on the DA-42 Twinstars...

Adelaide Tower: ABC traffic is a helicopter, Polair in your two o'clock.
ABC: Ahhh yes we've got him on TCAS
Adelaide Tower: Polair traffic in your eight o'clock, a Twinstar
(insert pause)
Polair: Not visual with traffic
Adelaide Tower: He's pretty skinny
Polair: (sounding a little bemused) We've got a light twin visual
Adelaide Tower: That's him



Cynical,

Twinstar is also an alternative (mostly US) name for a Twin Squirrel helicopter.

[aileron_69]

Also commonly referred to as the "Falling Star" in its early days in America after a spate of problems with the engines in them in the beginning:E

[OmniRadial]

Heard this one in Mackay a little while back.

ABC: Tower, can we ask, would runway 14 be available for our landing?
Twr: ABC, you sure can, go ahead.
(pause...)
ABC: Request runway 14 if possible
Twr: ABC, approved, cleared visual approach left base runway 14.

[Icarus53]

ABC: Tower, can we ask, would runway 14 be available for our landing?
Twr: ABC, you sure can, go ahead.
(pause...)
ABC: Request runway 14 if possible
Twr: ABC, approved, cleared visual approach left base runway 14.


Would have been funnier still if the tower had denied him!!!:E:}

[Aerohooligan]

On the subject of this 'Super' business, it's really all a bit much. It's like me calling my U206G a 'Utililiner Golf'. Come on...

Yesterday out near Jabiru, there was an exchange on 126.7 that went something like this:

ABC: 'ABC joins downwind runway 09, Jabiru.'
Random: 'Oooh yeah!'
ABC: 'Ooooh yeah!'
Me (unable to resist): 'Ooooh yeah!'
Random: 'Oh yeah!'

Radio calls on that frequency were suffixed for the succeeding several minutes by that phrase. Silliness ensued. :ok:

And today, on centre frequency for FNQ:

Centre: 'NX* (Njet 717), contact centre 124.1 (or similar), g'day.'
NX*: 'Brisbane Centre, g'day, NX* maintaining Flight Level 330.'
Centre: 'NX*, hello again, still with me on 134.1.'
NX*: 'I was just practising.'
Centre: 'Sounded Good.'

[AnyGivenSunday99]

oh yeah....

thats some funny s**t

AGS99 - Thrusting in the direction of the door...

[shorty81]

Quote:

ABC: 'ABC joins downwind runway 09, Jabiru.'
Random: 'Oooh yeah!'
ABC: 'Ooooh yeah!'
Me (unable to resist): 'Ooooh yeah!'
Random: 'Oh yeah!'


HAHAHAHA

That had to be Smarty, I'm sure of it

[Capt Fathom]

Extensive Holding delays into Sydney..........

ABC: Where can we expect holding?
CTR (female): Expect to be held in the Manly area!:uhoh:



A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

[mostlytossas]

An oldie but.......
Unknown aircraft on a quite day: I'm F****** Bored.
ATC: Aircraft that just transmitted identify yourself at once!
Unknown aircraft: I said I was F****** bored not F****** stupid!

[MakeItHappenCaptain]

Me arriving in the circuit and turning base in a straight 65: "Bundy traffic, Queenair FDV turning base rwy 14 Bundy."

Mustang waiting to enter: "XXX holding short 14 have the King Air sighted."

Me:"Bundy traffic FDV turning final 14 full thtop and thankth but we are a queen. You jutht have a thuper day now...bundy":};)

[MakeItHappenCaptain]

Tower has been using a callsign and the student responding with the last two letters of the callsign swapped for the last half an hour when the student realises and switches back....

Tower, "Well if that's your real callsign why have you been responding to me for the last 4 circuits like that??"

Anon, "Oooold McDonald was dyslexic, O I E I E!!":E

[Ultralights]

cmon people, how about something original, some of these i have heard years ago, or read in a book..

[Capt Fathom]

Well! That's the end of that thread then!

[MyNameIsIs]

not on the radio but the old macdonald thing reminds me...


Old Macdonald had tourettes.. e - i - e - f**k, s**t ,w**k, b****d - o