AAC 50th birthday, looking for 50 cracking good stories

[Jeep]

I am looking for stories from past exploits in the AAC. What was your best story, personal or folklore.

PM me or email [email protected] or just post it here.

Jeep

[purge98]

Wots AAC? :confused::confused:

[Heliport]

Army Air Corps


http://www.army.mod.uk/img/aac/aac_jubilee_logo.jpg




Please don't send PMs/emails - post stories here so we can all enjoy them.

[What Limits]

And of course the group of 50 would be incomplete without the 'flashing white glove'

BAOR 1980's, baby pilot and baby aircrewman are practicing forced landings in a Gazelle.

'Practice Engine Failure - GO!'

Why has it gone quiet?

When I said 'In the event of.... operate the fuel shut off lever.... thats not what I meant!!'

Good engine-off landing though!

[Jeep]

Flung,

I dont have to be in them :)

Jeep

I have a few on the list so far, details would be handy though

JB delivering the mail to monaghan

BG telling the sim instructor that of course he cant smell fuel, its a simulator

The crew that were cursing and swearing at a radio transmission they heard the senior pax on the Lynx intercom could only hear them, so he thought they were talking about him.

The Army crew that got stuck somewhere without dosh and blagged their way to accomodation by saying they were BA (British Army).

The airtrooper burning the scout because Avtur doesnt burn.

Come on chaps, you know you want to tell all.

Jeep

[hihover]

Jeep,

I'm not sure if this is what you're after - these stories are funny to me because I can still see the faces of those involved, they may not be funny to anyone else.

1. Jim Chapelle and I flying a Lynx into Angelo in 1981, I'm flying, I made a blind call to the effect that we would be there in a few minutes and got a reply from someone else who said he'd also be there in a few minutes. We spent the next few minutes looking for the other aircraft and could not raise him on the radio. Yep, it was Jim and I making radio calls to each other from the same cockpit.

2. 1984, Al Blowers and I flying in Germany on an observation ex. The foot switch on the left side of the Gazelle had always been to activate the intercom but with the introduction of the GOA, they were being modified to become transmit switches. We had a modified switch.

We heard Army Air 005?? (the boss from HQ who sounds like a town in Kent) make a radio call and Al told me what a pratt he thought 005 was.....to which, and to my complete horror, Army Air 005 said... "who said that? Who made that call? What is your callsign?" ....... "Shutup Al, don't say another word...and don't touch that f^&*ing switch."

3. Christmas time, Hildesheim, 1984/85/86??? The CO was to brief the regiment and the regiment was formed up in 661's hangar facing the closed doors/windows, (it was snowing outside). The RSM, Adjutant and other officers were facing the regiment with their backs to the doors/windows.

The CO's car pulled up, the regiment could see out through the tiny windows in the hangar doors and we could see the CO walking back and forth along the frontage of the hangar trying to find a way in. He was trying to get his fingers in between these huge doors just to get some leverage but he could not move the securely locked doors. He found the wicket door locked also and the regiment could see the frustration on his face as he stared in through the windows, and the tittering began. It all happened quickly and eventually someone came forward and opened the wicket door. I can still see the look on his face and it still makes me laugh after 20 years.

4. The flashing white glove story.

I have so many fond memories of the Corps and many moments that still make me laugh to this day. pm me if this is what you want.

[ericferret]

Stood on the top pan at Bessbrook (1975) alongside a Wessex commander and his number two contemplating an overcast day with the tops of the surrounding hills invisible.

They declare the day unflyable and turn to head off back to the mess.

Out of the clagg appears a Sioux being flown on that natty little side instrument pack.
Clearly visible is a large dayglow superman S on the pilots body armour (Graham Laverton?)

RAF crew stalk off muttering to themselves.

Happy days

[ericferret]

The singlies block at Soest had one major failing, no washing machine.

A plot was hatched over a number of beers with the man running the Long Kesh facilities account to acquire an industrial wachine machine by the simple expedient of transferring one on paper from 660 squadron to 4 Field workshops.

The now surplus machine was transferred to the hanger for onward freight to Germany.

While in the process of packing the stolen washing machine in walks the squadron commander.

What are you doing there?

Packing a box sir.

Oh what is in it?

Dont know sir,

(Peering closely) It looks like a washing machine!!!

Does it sir!!

I'm not supposed to know about this am I corporal?

No Sir!!!

Carry on Corporal.

[Jeep]

Nice one EF.

I remember sitting next to lavers at a refuel point. The nice groundie plugged in the petrol pipe and came and stood next to the window. Lavvers looks at him and smiles and the groundie walks back to the pipe. On his next visit about 15 seconds later, he offers lavvers him a set of webbing (the webbing that belonged to lavvers), which had been on the front of the TOW boom during the previous flight. Thank god for groundies.

Reminds me of walking out to go fly at Bessbrook. I point to a tree in the distance and ask the bronnimonster how far he reckons the tree is. He says 600m. I say are you sure? They call that 1 K tree you know. Really? Nah, about 600m. Well I says, hang on a minute, why do you think they call it 1 K tree? He says dunno, but its not a K. Funny says I, Ive always used it as a weather guage. So I ask the gathered patrol waiting to get on the Lynx and we play soldiers for a second and I ask them all the same question. The average was 700m. I then ask my door gunner, he says dunno, so i remind him of the length of a football pitch and ask him to tell me how many football pitches between us and the tree - 1 K tree. He says about 5. I then remind them that there is some dead ground between us and 1 K tree, the light is strong around midday, and give Bronners another stab, just to be sporting. Sticks to his story 650m. So we went flying. Got back, got the map, measured the distance. Any guesses?
1000m. Thats why they call it 1 K tree :) Ahhh, them wert days.
Not good enough for the top 50 but might spurn you old sweats to fingerpeck a little and give us your dits.

Jeep

[Sloppy Link]

As I start, it is important to point out that all involved were in on the jape apart from the unfortunate victim.

A Military Policeman, upon awarding of "Wings" was posted to Detmold, for the sake of argument 654 Sqn. Another Military Policeman was already there in a different Squadron, again for the sake of argument, 659 Sqn. After about 4 weeks, the local SIB rang the new boy and asked him to pop in for a chat. Once there it was explained that his posting had been contrived as there was drugs problem in his unit, specifically amongst the aircrew. It wasn't that they were using the stuff, some had been intercepted in Andover that had origins in Germany, the thought was it was being flown back in Army aircraft and then distributed by the pilots. If he heard of anything, he was to report back. When he pointed out there was already someone else from the RMP within the unit, he was told that that individual is among the suspects.

Fast forward 4 weeks or so and the Sqn 2i/c on a Friday tells our victim he is going to UK on Mon to ferry an aircraft back to Oxford. Don't worry about the planning etc, it is all done, just turn up on Mon with an overnight bag. Odd, he thinks, as a nig pilot, I should be doing something; think I will mention it to the SIB.

Mon arrives and off they depart. The aircraft has overnight kit and some "essential spares". They have to go to Gutersloh to draw immersion suits and LCJs. Our victim is told to monitor the refuel whilst the 2i/c gets the kit and files the flight plan. Whilst on the pan, the RAFP turn up and ask for a look around, certainly is the reply. No, we really do want to have a thorough look round. They come to the "essential spares" and open the box, the pan is covered in granulated coffee (used to disguise the smell from dogs) and a bag of white powder drops onto the floor.....at just about the same time as our victims jaw does the same. As composure is trying to be recovered, the 2i/c turns up and announces that all the packing had been done by the victim (who now resembles a codfish). Both are arrested and marched off to the Police Station.

Once in separate cells, the 2i/c is immediately released, jumps in the cab and flies back to Detmold. Our victim however is interrogated at length by the RAFP. 4 hours. At one point, the Station Commander and the Station Warrant Officer put their head in and say, "Is that him? Good, carry on", and then march out. Our victim tries to get hold of the three people who can corroborate his story, the SIB individual, the CO and the Adjt. SIB is on the golf course, the CO and Adjt are on the road to JHQ. This was all before mobile phones. Our victim is stuffed.

Eventually, he is released to Army custody, the biggest Cpl in the RMP we could find and he escorted by him and a huge RAFP through the arrivals and departures lounge of RAF Gutersloh, in a flying suit, in handcuffs. Once on the pan he asks where his aircraft is whereby he is told it now form part of a criminal investigation and is in a hangar pending forensics. What about the 2i/c? He has been released to the OC HQ Sqn about 2 hours ago.

Another aircraft is there to collect him; there was no conversation between the crew and the victim. On arrival at Detmold, the victim is to report, under escort to the Regt 2i/c office pending the COs return. To get there he has to walk through 659 Sqn's hangar, as the doors are open, his Sqn is on parade with our hero at the front with a 6' tall clockwork key for the biggest wind up of the year.

That was 16years ago, SL has been looking over his shoulder ever since.

[ChristopherRobin]

August 31 1997. Bessbrook. Sunday morning and all the lynx crews (less Lynx 5 commander - Mr Logic) are inspecting their eyelids in their maggots in the sanctum sanctorum, when the door opens (a bit early thought I) and Mr Logic - his face grave - walks in and in a stentorious voice - and a manner uncannily like Sam the Eagle (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/39/SamtheEagle1.JPG) from the muppet show - says
"Gentlemen - sad news. Earlier this morning Princess Diana of Wales died in a car crash"
cue gasps of disbelief and some shaking of heads until Snakey pipes up with,
"That's it lads, the Royal Family's ugly again!"
Mr Logic/Sam didn't see the funny side of that for some reason.

[GLaverton]

You forgot to mention that contained in amongst the webbing was my faithful 9 milli browning( which was probably named after my underpants )

[Jeep]

I didnt forget to mention it :)

[ericferret]

Message from the tower (Soest) XW89? is on the way in and is going to land on the washdown.

The said Gazelle flies directly to the washdown followed by a cloud of flies.
Exit pilot (Rod Scott) into the hot summer sunshine head to foot in spew courtesy of a back seat passenger.

Happy five minutes spraying the sorry aviator with freezing cold water prior to even sorrier engineers attempting to hose out the cockpit without destroying the electrics or breathing.

Aviator heads off to hangar wearing only underpants and flying boots. Probably the only man on the planet who could still look warlike so attired.

[ericferret]

On arriving at Aldergrove from Germany squadron personnel are confronted by large number of customs men and a huge quantity of cigarettes are confiscated (rumoured to be in excess of 60,000).

On the next tour all smokers are reminded of the incident and advised to stick to the limits.

Down goes the Herks ramp and on steps all 5 foot nothing of the customs officer.

Have you lads got anything to declare?

A shaking of heads.

Well thats ok then, I'll be off and a good morning to you all.

Cue horrible wailing sound from the nicotine stained brethren.

[psyan]

I know that to be true - lumpy.

[Wizzard]

Then there was the crewman showing somebody around a Lynx in Munster and not realising that the fire bottles were live even though the battery was switched off. WHOOSH!


Made more ironic a couple of weeks later when our cab went tits in Manston and we found ourselves a the disco in the RAF Fire Fighting School.


Sorry Ginge:E

[Jeep]

wizzard,

greetings. I wasnt showing anyone around, i was sat with zip P and he was practising me in the art of emergency drills. I was supposed to mouth the words press the fire extinguisher, except my fingers did it.

Didnt you and I have an engine failure in a scout because of leaves on the chip basket and when we got out, it was your old unit mates dug in around the same clearing? My memory fades as the time goes by, perhaps you want to embelish that one and post it?

Ever bump into purvey up there?

Like i said, I dont have to be in them :)

Jeep

[Wizzard]

Yes, so there I was hover-taxiing up the side of this wood trying to get a good position to see the "red hoards" when I heard this strange noise and noticed the JPT was off the clock. It's all a bit of a blur now but I probably wound off the throttle and cushioned the touchdown (well that's what the book said I should do anyway).

I remember trying to move the blades and when I couldn't I asked you to take the brake off to which you replied "it's off!" OOps - one molten free turbine.

Of course as you say the really strange thing was a voice from below calling me a w*nker for blowing off his camouflage! We'd landed on top of a 3PARA OP and one of my old mates was the commander. They were well and truly compromised now so I gave him my flying gloves and he gave me some brew kit and I've never seen him since.

Nope - haven't seen the Purv
Wiz

[ambidextrous]

On CPX in BAOR, late 60's/early 70's, yes that long ago! Well known former Chief of Standards at MW now believed to be seen occasionally driving a steam engine in Hants along with equally well known PC Plod believed last sighting at the wheel of a limo in central London. "Hello niner, this is zero is that you rogering me over"! All present in CP fall over laughing, well I did say it was funny at the time!
with fraternal greetings, ambi:ok:

[Letsby Avenue]

There was also a crewman about to go on his pilots course in the mid eighties who had just discovered that his SMG was somewhat non adjacent - Last seen on a TOW tube that was about to do a Wx check about two hours ago....

What about Billy Wells and his RFC wings - Explaining to a Squabbling Bleeder in the back of a Chinook that the AAC had just got the Royal Warrant...

The Red Baron...:)

[blind pue]

Hong Kong
Scout with the 'Star Trek away team' on night standby for anti AA (Aider's & Abetter's) Op's. The Scout is fitted with Nitesun and Bomb racks loaded with four 4 inch slow falling flares and 2 flares attached to the bulkhead in the back.
The Story goes:
The Scout is called in to help the RN and RM patrols with the capture of 2 AA speedboats each carrying about 4 II's (Illegal Immigrants). The AA's can do about 40knts and start to pull away from the patrol boat and rigid raiders, with the introduction of the Scout to the chase and the use of the flares to illuminate the area, the patrol boat manages to catch one of the speedboats.
The Scout and the rigid raiders now turn their attention to the remaining AA, who to reduce weight and gain extra speed starts to throw the II's overboard thus slowing down the pursuing rigid raiders as they have to pick them up.
The Scout now on it's own uses the nitesun to illuminate the AA whilst awaiting support from either the patrol boat or the raiders, meanwhile one of the crew comes up with a plan, they will drop low level over the speedboat and armed with his night stick the crewman is to jump into the boat James Bond style and arrest the AA's. The front crew now over dosing on adrenaline think this is a great idea and try to convince the 'Obs' whilst decending over the boat, As they reach the boat the 'Obs', who has so far not been convinced and replied 'with respect sir's f***off ' and other such useful phrases to demonstrate his noncompliance with their orders, has hatched his own plan and lobs one of the flares straight into the speedboat, Luckily the AA's thinking it was a bomb bale out, which was the right choice as the flare ignited the fuel and exploded. thus bringing the chase to an end. :8

[MightyGem]

As we seem to be in to names: Messers Daly and Thompson are flying a pax on a recce around the GDP(those were the days!!!). Charly's flying and Mick is the "crewman". Anyway, Charly needs a pee, so sets down in a field, briefs his "crewman" to just guard the controls, hops out and disappears behind a bush. Mik says to the pax, "Now it's my turn". The pax tries to talk him out of it but Mick's not listening and lurches up into a barely controlled hover. The pax spends the next 5 minutes offering advice on how to get back on the ground safely.

[charliegolf]

Norway, ‘81 or ‘82 (the events will lead someone to pin it down), and Sgt Golf along with pilot whose name escapes me, is running in at 10 000’ for a free fall drop over the frozen lake at Bomoen. Jumpers are literally in the door, when a serious sounding abort message comes up. Sgt Golf drags the jumpers back in, shuts door as ordered, and back to Bomoen strip.

Turns out, Simon The Pieman (OC 33) had had a ‘heavy landing’ in a whiteout (the cab was f***ed, but there was no heavy fallout) and help was needed. We set off directly.

The day got worse en route, when we hear that the AAC gazelle (there is a link, I promise) carrying JEngo and a snco groundie to the site really did Cat 5 in in a whiteout. Three bad injuries, as it happens.

Golf aids his driver to the most carefully recced 0/0 landing you’ve ever seen!

Anyhow, we loaded up the AAC non com pilot and headed off for the Norgie hospital. Couple of mins in, the army boy beckons me over. Over the noise, he gives me what- I swear- is brewing into a real deathbed declaration. “My jacket pocket, please, my jacket pocket.” I was wetting myself, and being supportive like in the war films. “You’ll be fine”, says I.

“No, you must take it for me”, says brown job. I stuck my hand in his pocket, and pulled out an envelope, thinking, ****, this is his will for his missus or something.

With his final, but not dying words, he croaks, “You must keep this safe…..It’s the squadron beer fund for up north next week”.

Man deserved a medal for his loyalty! Yes, I handed over the kronks. Never got his name.

CG

[Hoveronly]

Prior to deployment to Gulf 1, the crabs spent milions on a project run by a professor, on choosing a desert colour scheme for their helicopters. An AAC Brigadier did the same thing by standing up through the sunroof of his staff car as a Gazelle flew past him with a choice of colour on each side!
Or the Flight Commander who on returning from a muddy exercise, decided to hover his Gazele under an commercial farm sprinkler system. Needless to say it all went very quiet! No names Chris W!
I once flew a particularly fierce passenger to an exercise location whose grid my crewman had written on his kneepad, only to discover that there was no one there! Yep, we arrived at a telephone number! Not top 50 material but very amusing at the time!
Daly and Thompson once cornered the market on amusing adventures!
One for the top 50 must be Greville Edgecobe's story of dropping off a Brigadier at a garden party. He couldn't see anywhere to land his Scout other than the tennis court with a high surrounding fence. This he did, unloaded his pax and flew back to the Squadron. He was met by a fairly upset O.C. who explained that the tennis court had been locked up and now the Brigadier was as well. Greville's own story paints a much better picture. In fact he could possibly fill the top 50 himself!

[MightyGem]

Daly and Thompson once cornered the market on amusing adventures!
How those two stayed out of jail remains a mystery to me.

[hihover]

Must have been around the big FTX in '84. We had all been briefed that no matter who it was, nobody gets to sit in the front of an Army helicopter unless they are aircrew, quite right too. It was from "on high" and the penalties were to be severe.

Anyway, Stu and Jelli were diverted from an FAC job to collect a Brigadier and take him on a recce. The Brigadier's helicopter had gotten lost or was u/s or something, and Stu had to try to recover the situation and keep the Corp's name clean.

When he arrived, the Brigadier was already furious (Brigadiers always struck me as the angriest rank ever). He came storming out and said - OK, this is where I want to go.... he then proceeded to get into the front left seat. Stu said, errr sir, that is Sgt Jelli's seat, you can sit behind him if you like..... The Brigadier retorted...No I can't Sgt, your crewman can sit behind me if he likes, I'm the commander of this Brigade and I sit in the front. Not any more sir, I'm sorry, you can't sit in the front......WHAT??? The Brigadier's mouth and eyes opened wide as he exploded... WHAT ARE YOU SAYING SGT??? ARE YOU, A %^^&** SGT IN THE LIGHT %$#%^* INFANTRY, TELLING ME, A %$^&* BRIGADIER, THAT I HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK? Yes sir! OK SGT
%$#^ OFF! ^%$# OFF BACK TO YOUR %$$^&* MICKEY MOUSE ORGANISATION AND FIND ME A %^$^%&* PILOT WHO WILL ALLOW ME TO SIT IN THE %$#%^& FRONT SEAT. Very well sir! And off he jolly-well
%$#%ed.

We done Stu for standing your ground and for making me smile every time I think about it.

[Hoveronly]

Mightygem, it amazed us all! Good on em! Where are they now?

[Hughesy]

This thread is great!! Some funny story's here!
Keep 'em coming lads. :}

hughesy

[blind pue]

hihover
Another couple from that period.
1) Clive and Geoff tasked from Soest to Munster to pick up Brigade commander +1 and carry out a recce.
They duly arrive at Munster early and are met by the Brigadier, who is not prepared to sit in the back and would now like to carry an extra pax after they had been to the mess for tea, Clive explained the new rules to him and asked what he was suposed to do with his crewman, 'I don't care Sergeant, you deal with it and make sure he is not here when I get back'.
An hour later the Ops room received a phone call from the Brig asking where his helicopter was, to be informed that the pilot had followed his orders, returned the crewman to Soest and was just waiting for the techs to complete the paperwork after removing the duals.
2) On a TEWT in Germany My Pilot was tasked with flying a General (cant remember who) and I would have to give up my front seat, I reminded him about the duals and he told me to remove them, as I was fitting the blanks the General asked me what I was doing and where are the duals? I told him that for non aircrew the duals have to be removed. He ordered me to put them back, To which I said 'I can't sir, only techs can refit them', he then turned on my pilot and informed him that he had some flying lessons from an RQHI and wanted the duals refitted, my pilot had no choice but to agree with me.
The General then took the pilot to one side for a bit of finger poking, after which my pilot returned and told me to take my kit as the General did not want me in his aircraft, he was to carry another 2 Senior officers and they may have some sensitive issues to discuss, and I should join the road party at the bottom of the hill.
I removed my helmet and Navbag and started to walk down the hill to the road party only to watch them pull onto the main road and drive off, I went back up the hill in time to see the aircraft lift, After sulking on a rock for a while I saw a lynx approching form the east and waved at him with My Dayglo flash card.
I knew the Pilot Paddy and as luck would have it they were from Detmold but had to drop spares off at Soest so they took me home.
My Pilot turned up much later, a little p***ed off as he had mainly been following the autobahns to drop the general off then return to Soest (my navbag had all the maps and charts).
and they would now have to organise a search as when the the road party arrived at Hereford I was not on board and none of them had seen me. As he had no maps he was unable to go back to the TEWT to find me.
He didn't take it too bad when the OC informed him that I had been in the Crewroom for at least an hour awating his return.

[MightyGem]

Mightygem, it amazed us all! Good on em! Where are they now?

Charlie's flying VC10s with the crabs, and Micks a civvy somewhere.

[Jeep]

Blind Pue,

That last one is a corker. I already knew the story and it still made me spit my tea over the monitor.

Jeep

[ericferret]

Squadron commander and the divisional aircraft engineer head out on to the line at Soest to go flying in a Gazelle.

Five minutes later the pair arrive in the line office demanding to know who signed the
pre flight as the aircraft has a u/s tailrotor drive shaft (noisy bearings).

After giving the offending tech a public dressing down, they head off for a coffee while a second aircraft is prepared.

The afore mentioned tech (Steve Gooodall) volunteers to preflight the second aircraft.
Venturing on to the line he spins the rotors of each Gazelle in turn, returns to the line office and snags all the squadron Gazelles with the same defect, noisy bearings.!!!!!!!!!!!

An apology was forthcomming, well deserved for a fine display of balls.

[ericferret]

Getting rather pissed off with continuous night flying in the summer, the techs at Soest indulge in a spot of clag dancing.

This consists of half a dozen souls dancing round the pan carrying a main rotor blade in an immitation of a red indian war dance.

Everyone heads off for tea to return at the specified time for night flying.

From the B1 it becomes clear that the airfield has a thick layer of mist lying on it though everywhere around is clear!!!!!!!!!! Success...


Clag dancing is then formally banned by the engineering officer on the grounds that damage might be done to a valuable rotor blade.

Bugger!!!!!!!!!

[blind pue]

1) Hohne 93
663 on Ex at Hohne are tasked to send a Gazelle back to Soest to pick up the Brigade Comd so that he can watch the TOW shoot later that day.
RHQ give a go the day before, but that morning the weather is not as forecast, with strong winds (40knts +) in Hohne and low cloud on the ridges to the South.
The OC selects a crew and informs them that it will be on limits but could they give it a go, he will assist with the start by giving thumbs up when he feels the wind has dropped below 40knts and it is safe to start rotors. This works and the Gazelle departs on route.
The intial stage is fine, the strong wind keeps the cloud base above limits and the crew use the Minden Gap as their first crossing to pick up the Autobahn south bound, as they get closer to the teutoburg the wind slackens and they find the usual gaps around Bielefeld blocked, But the Comd remembers a little known crossing point around Halle that was used by 662 pilots based at Munster flying to Bunde, they aim for this point and find it clear.
With 300ft and 1ks vis (ish) they continue towards Gutersloh, now talking to the Tower they are given permission to cross the centreline and what is their position? whilst unsure the Comd reads off the LWNA '2 miles', then the Pilot corrected him with '50 metres' as he sees the Tower looming out of the mist.
The rest of the flight is in low ground and they arrive at Soest Airfield. with no groundcrew around they help themselves to fuel and depart for San Sabastian Bks to pick up the Brig. This done they start back for Hohne using the same route they had just come.
As they are lifting the Brig, 662 Ops who are waiting at Soest Airfiled receive the following call from the Chief of Staff.
COS 'I thought you said the weather is too bad to fly'
Ops ' Yes, Sir it is'
COS 'Too bad for Colonels but not for Brigadiers then, Listen', and he held up the handset for the Ops to hear 'The roar of the Mighty Gazelle' (or something like that but you get the gist) 'As the Gazelle has just come from Hohne and is now going back the weather must be OK'.
At this 662 were spured into action and prepared to launch the Sqn to pick up the COS and join the TOW shoot.
An hour or so later the Gazelle arrived at Hohne to be asked if they had seen any Lynx, Other than the 8 on Soest dispersal the crew said no.
They found out later that the Lynx had launched to follow them, only to have too divert to Gutersloh, Detmold, in fields etc, as they couldn't find any gaps.
2) NVG Recce Benson to Lydd back to Benson.
Weather mainly sunny with rain showers,
Gazelle arrives at Benson and picks up 28 sqn pilot for recce, they depart on the recce routing south of Odiham then turn eastbound towards crowbrough, on arrival at crowbrough they find the cloud base on the high ground and very little visibility due to heavy rain.
Lydd ATC informs them that they are also in a heavy shower so it is decided to cancel the refuel and pick up the rest of the route westbound. as they get past Midhurst they dial up Odiham and hear them trying to make contact with Swallow formation.
The weather to the west of Midhurst has also turned into heavy showers with cloud base and vis reducing, The crew pickup the A272 towards Petersfield, with local knowledge and good map reading from the 28 Sqn pilot, they get through the Gap to the west and as they clear the wires at the highest point en route they see in a large field to the North 3 Griffins static but burning and turning.
Deciding that this was the missing Swallow Formation they try to call Odiham to let them know their position, only to be stepped on by the following
'ODiham this is Swallow ** 20 NMs to the south of your field, climbing through 900 ft to 3000ft inadvertant IMC request pickup and poisitioning for a recovery.'
followed by the other 2 straight after.
The 28 sqn pilot turned to the gazelle pilot and said 'thats what happens when you try following Gazelles you have no idea how much they know'
Morale of the stories: Don't follow another aircraft unless you know who it is and what they know.

[Michael Gee]

N IRELAND a few years ago (1976) Sortask - pick up Lisburn 2000 - further pick up Ballymena - drop all at Coleraine. Wait for return 2330. Pitch black and sat in seat ready to go as was the procedure whilst they got in - all doors closed set off on return track to drop off in Ballymena -on shooting approach pax alongside from rousing from a slumber asked what are doing - I replied of course to drop off Ballymena pax, to which I got a reply saying - THEY DID NOT GET IN BUT TRAVELLED BACK BY CAR ! altered heading 5 degrees east for Lisburn - glad it was not a 180. Rod Scott rings me weekly. regards to all Ex AAC Michael Gee now operates HLS at his home Swineside N Yorks

[corsair]

JB delivering the mail to monaghan

This one intrigued me as I served in Monaghan for a time as a member of the ARI (Army of the Republic of Ireland:)) and I never heard any story?

Was it the barracks or the town.

[blind pue]

Corsair
I think you will find that it was when JB mistook Monaghan for Amargh at night, and would have delivered the mail there if he had found a landing site.
Similar to the Lynx with nitesun.
When told by St Angelo Buzzard to move further west as he was shining the light across the border. The Air Gunner denied it and said they were over Rosslea.
Buzzard repeated 'Move west!! the man at the window holding a phone in the middle of your nitesun beam is the Garda at Cloones and can confirm you are in the South'.
The Lynx hastily headed west

[Wizzard]

JB did not deliver the mail to Monaghan but landed there very short of fuel in a Sioux having been given a "bum steer" by his OC, I don't think it was at night. A little before my time but we still had the fuel bill from the Irish Army in the 662 scarp book.

[Jeep]

Corsair,

It would appear that it was the barracks.

Thank you JB for the story, it is a cracker.

It is the 14 August 1977. The story of Monaghan goes like this. I had left Middle Wallop only 2 months previous and had one month of training in Germany proir to deployment.
I was tasked with carrying out the ADS run with the mail. The route was from the Maze-Lisburn-Portadown-Armagh-Dungannon-Omagh-etc-etc.
The weather was fine with a light wind and high cloud base. I set off with the mail man and all was well. There was a premarked map with the route on. On leaving Portadown we set course for Dungannon, they stated that they had no mail therefore there was no need for us to land there.
So altered course for Omagh. On the preprinted map there was a wood marked whch was no longer there on the ground. While I was debating on this the FFILT light came on. Started to get concerned at this stage so called up Omagh and received no answer, turned towards Dungannon, called them, nothing turned back to Omagh.
Called Omagh again and an airborne pilot answered[the OC ] he asked what the problem was so I told him I had the emergency and was unsure of my exact position. He asked me to transmit for Homing(he was in a Sioux and they had the homing facility). After a couple of goes he stated that I was north of Omagh and to head South. in fact I was North of Monaghan. So I set off south and the first barracks I came across was an Irish Army barracks which I circled a few times. The Irish amry came out and blocked the square to prevent us landing, so I whipped around the front of the barracks and landed on the grass and shut down. They all came rushing around pointing guns at us like we were and invading army. A Major came forward anf said," For ****'s sake lads will you calm down".
Told him of our predicament and he took us inside to contact base. As we were a bit low on fuel I requested some. We had lunch and the potatoes were terrible. Eventually got fuel and the Major said we would have to be careful on lift as the IRA may try to shoot us down. Took off like a bat out of hell and flew to Armagh to shut down.
It was the day before the Elections in Eire and I had a mention in the Times and The Telegraph.

Next came the Board of Enquiry. I put my hand up and said it is my fault, but they were after bigger fish and blamed the Theatre QHI and the OC from Omagh. They never forgave me and refused to ever fly with me. There loss.

My Northern ireland famil was in the back of a Scout with no map.
Such is life!!!!!!!!!!

[ericferret]

660 sqdn 1976 at Long Kesh.
One staff sergeant tech over indulges in the field workshops bar and in unable to find his way back.
Next morning the squadron duty officer is called to the guard room to recover the said individual who was arrested by the guards while attempting to climb over the security fence into the Maze prison!!!!

It was also about this time that the AAC made an attempt to bomb the Jacobs biscuit factory close to Kesh.

Scouts were flying with handling wheels removed to save weight (25 pounds). For reasons unknown the pins were removed from the wheel but the wheel was left in place.

This wasn't noticed by the crew and the offending wheel fell off into the factory car park narrowly missing the building. Much embarrasment on being asked by the factory manager if we would like our wheel back.

[ericferret]

During an inspection of the squadron weapons at Soest it became clear that little maintenance had taken place.

I remember being surprised that they actually let us have guns, but then I was fairly young at the time!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway the squadron 2IC was placed in charge of the inspection and was not best pleased.
He stated that anyone who's weapon was rusty would be charged.

"Zip" Nolan the MT segeant was tasked with the hands on.

The list of offenders grew ever longer until Zip handed a 9MM pistol to the 2ic with a red rusty barrel.

Yours sir I'm afraid!!!!!!!!!!!!

The list of offenders was discretely consigned to the bin.

[blind pue]

Jeep & Wizzard

You got me now. I forgot about the fuel bill in 662's Scrap book,

But now I'm trying to remember who was the one that headed for Monaghan instead of Armagh, Unless it was one of those I was told by another J* in confidence.

By the way Hi Wizzard

BP

[corsair]

Ah interesting. I was there a few years later during the hunger strikes. It was never mentioned, covered up :ooh:. I concur about the food and they were not joking about the local IRA. Even we had to tread carefully. One night someone thought they saw something and everybody with access to a weapon opened up on the surrounding countryside. I missed it but it was apparently great fun. It was just wishful thinking, we all wanted a go at the provos but they stayed well clear.

I was involved in a border transgression too. Wandering through the jungles of Monaghan in a platoon strength patrol once. I heard a Wessex go overhead. I thought, 'Either we're on the wrong side of the border or he is! As a lowly private, I kept my mouth shut. Well it wasn't the RAF and we spent an fascinating hour and a half lurking on the wrong side of the border while a bit of emergency recce went on.:)

As for the AAC, I also worked near the Irish Air Corps headquarters in Baldonnel. I used to see AAC Beavers regularly dropping in for a visit. Any stories there? I remember one hitting the headlines when it was seen 'spying' over a Midland town. But he was talking to ATC but in reality it seemed to be sightseeing.

[Two's in]

662 Sqn (again) on a long FTX close to Braunschweig in the mid-eighties, OC and QHI (Tony P) go off for a Div brief or some such exciting thing on a Saturday morning. Just so happens that the 662 ex-Para Lynx pilot with the Polish name beginning with K, who also happens to be in the AAC free-fall team, and two other team members also in 662 have all brought their 'chutes with them. What else is one to do on a non-flying Saturday in the middle of an exercise? Someone persuaded the Sqn 2 i/c and the RN Exchange Pilot -
(more of him at thread #30 here;
http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?t=286328&page=2 )

-to take the 3 of them up to 10,000' and throw them out. All looked impressive for everyone on the ground, and who would ever know? Well apparently one of the distinguishing features of free-fall parachuting within an Air Defence Interception Zone (ADIZ), is that people notice this kind of thing. Not sure exactly how word got out, but a thunder faced OC and QHI reappeared to find that coffee without hats was on the agenda up at the Brigade Commander's digs. Not sure what the 3 erstwhile jumpers got (damned SNCO's and their pranks) but the 2 Officers got to make some significant contributions to the Charitable causes fund.

As they were leaving that location, the 2 i/c lifted into the hover in a Lynx, having cunningly placed the MoD Form 700 on the stbd TOW boom for safe keeping. The localised snow shower in June was his first clue that there may have been a better place to keep the 700, but amazingly enough only 1 page was lost forever. Kept the REME's busy reassembling the book, otherwise they would only have been watching porn and playing uckers all night.

To add insult to injury, when they finally left that location and moved closer to Hannover, the RMP arrived at the CP soon after, having been contacted by the German Civil Police who were curious as to when they were coming back to pick up the TOW tubes that the local kids were playing with, having found them in the trees on the glider strip they had left.

There's nothing like a professional aviator...

[ericferret]

During the mid seventies spare parts for the Gazelles at Soest were hard to come by and as the German police operating Gazelles at Dusseldorf had the same problem spares regularly changed hand attached to crates of beer.

A similar situation occurred in the UK with the Alouette's at Netheravon and Air Gregory at Denham who also operated Alouette's.

All was well until an a new Air Greg pilot was told to pick up some spares from the army.

Sadly he flew to Wallop instead of Netheravon drawing rather a lot of unwelcome attention to the illicit trade in aircraft parts as well as getting arrested.

[Wizzard]

Quote
"My Northern Ireland famil was in the back of a Scout with no map."

My first tour('79) didn't even go that far! I was staring at the poor weather out of the window at Aldergrove and the RQHI came in and said "there's your aircraft, get your arrse to Omagh they need you right away"

I told him I hadn't had a famil yet and he said don't worry just fly down the lough and turn right at the bottom, that will get you to Dungannon then just follow the disused railway line to Omagh.

So off I go into the murk in my trusty Scout and find jolly old Dungers in the gloop: I follow the railway line but that leads me to Coalisland, back to Dungannon, follow different railway and that takes me nicely to Cookstown, back to Dungannon, by now flapping like a turkey being thrown off a cliff and finally get the correct railway line and arrive at Omagh on the winky-wankies!

My Flight Commander, Rob W--sh - was furious. he let me stay in the office while he - a Captain - gave the RQHI - a Major - the best bollocking I've ever heard.

Wiz

[blind pue]

Lynx 2 returning to Omagh from the east decide to do a daylight recce for a task that night, on passing the pick up point (which is a known player's farm complex) they notice UDR troops already at the grid so they ask them if they have completed the patrol and would they like an earlier pick up.

Obviously being UDR they say, yes, after a quick calculation the crew decide they can drop the guys they have on board off first, then return for the first group in daylight, after that the next two pickups will be in the dark, but as it was clear skies and they had already landed at the site it should be ok to do the whole task without fitting NVG.

The daylight pick up goes well and the crew scan the area for any hazards, making note of the fence's either side of the field and the wires runing down the middle, they will use the farmhouse as a forward marker.

As they approach to land for the second group all the high beam security lights around the farm house light up bathing the landing area in bright light, Mainly directed at the Lynx, they pick up the patrol and head to Omagh, on route the pilot sends a message to the commander still on the ground.

They drop off at Omagh then return to the PUP for the third time in the same manner, just as the skids are touching down and the landing area lights up again, the the patrol commander shouts over to the 'player' standing by his front door.

'From the pilot, Thanks for the lights they are not wearing goggles'

A P***ed off player stepped into his farmhouse and the area went dark.

[psyan]

658 Sqn. circa 1984 returning from a big NATO exercise in BAOR - Scout flight departed Minden following the standard route back to the UK but the weather deteriorated and there was an impromptu stop at Antwerp. The flight landed what seemed to be miles away from the terminal building on a huge expanse of nice clean concrete. Everyone piled off for a brew whilst the OC and others decided upon the next course of action.

The visibility was fairly good under a low but uniform cloud base and the decision was made to push on to Manston via Calais as planned. There they were, 6 Scouts all burning and turning when it was noticed that the OC had got out of his aircraft and was running towards one of the others down the line chopping his hand across his throat giving the recognised signal to cut engine. Everyone wound down to ground idle and crews craned their necks to see what the problem was.

The OC entered the disc of '3' and immediately walked to the side of the aircraft where there was a large clear puddle on the otherwise nice dry concrete under the aircraft near the rear cross tube.

Now as everyone knows, the old Scout had a decking well, under the engine that vented to the ground beneath in the area of the rear cross tube. It was common for accumulated water - or spilt fuel - to gather in the well and then vent to the ground.

The OC bent over and dabbed his finger into the liquid and then pushed it to his nose to smell and lick. Clearly concerned that there might be a fuel leak.

Satisfied that it was not fuel, the OC gave the thumbs up and retired back to his aircraft. The flight duly departed a few minutes later. How anyone in the flight managed to stay sensible for that trip to Manston is a wonder, each aircraft visibly 'bounced along' as the crew's tried to stay in control, gripped by fits of uncontrollable laughter. The 'chat' frequency [different from the one the OC believed to be in use] was buzzing the whole way.

In planning at Manston the OC's expression made it perfectly clear he had been informed the puddle he'd inspected diligently at Antwerp was in fact where the crew had had a last minute wazzz before take off.

It is not clear whether the OC [Nookie Nick the tumbler of Tumbledown - another story] was more annoyed at the event or the fact that everyone knew except him.

Soon the rest of the Sqn and the whole of Netheravon heard the tale and the following appeared on routine orders early the following week:

'WEF from [insert date] members of the squadron are forbidden to urinate or defecate anywhere except approved facilities whether in the field on exercise or at other location. Offenders will be dealt with severely.'

[MightyGem]

I suppose it's too soon for someone to tell the story of how a Gazelle ended up half submerged on an airtest at Ballykelly? :rolleyes:

[Regain]

I was saving this for my memoirs but as they are frowned upon nowadays and I'd probably only sell one copy anyway (to myself), here goes:

Having just completed the Jungle Survival Course in Belize, a task came in to replen the site with one soldier, one pig and three chickens so I volunteered, wanting to impress my new SAS mates with superior piloting skills. The pax all arrived on time, pig in big bag, legs tied, chickens in a cardboard box and soldier with apprehensive expression. We managed to get eveything on board our Gazelle after partial freight flooring but not until after my AcComd (RAOC Rodney) decided the cute pig could do with a little more air so cut the bag a bigger air hole. Smart move!

So, away we transition down APC runway, me flying. At this stage, the pig spies freedom through it's newly enlarged peephole and goes for it, break-dancing it's way out of it's bag on to the box of chickens and head-butts my left hand which is holding the collective. We descend rapidly towards the runway before I manage to overcome pighead pressure and fly away for what I assumed to be a RTB. AcComd has other ideas and says continue, asking human pax in back to secure pig. Some chance! Anyway, continue we do but maybe we wouldn't have had we known that the chickens were still alive and now loose. Two of them aren't interested but number three wants out of the helicopter giving us a fantastic wall of death round the cockpit, feathers, claws and beak everywhere. I should add that my two human companions in the aircraft have been reduced to ballast by all this so on it's third or fourth time round the cockpit I manage to grab the chicken round the neck and throw it against the back wall, stunning it. No RTB now, far too embarrassing for OC to see this so onwards to jungle after pursuading rear human to lie on top of pig and keep an eye on chicken. A less eventful transit follows.

On landing at the jungle HLS, knowing that we shouldn't shut down in case the donk won't start again, we shut down. We're pretty much in rag order, pig mucus everywhere including all over my left hand, feathers stuck to it. Time to get rid and clean up. After a while, one of our hooligan friends wanders up the hill and asks for his soon-to-be food. Damned pig hadn't finished trying to escape though forcing him to carry it over an ants nest which crawl up his legs in their hundreds. Pig gets dropped, clothes come off, nation's finest runs in circles crying 'get them off me, get them off me'. The engine started again. Don't worry, he was alright and the pig made the hangi, we found out later.

The vow of silence lasted until my first drink in the mess bar that night!

More episodes to follow now I've got started.

[hihover]

Marvelous, just bruddy marvelous.

tam

[Jeep]

Very good Regain, very good.

Here is one i just received:

There i was on exercise crusader in 80, crewman and enjoying the experience. Off in the Gazelle to simulate a Hind against some Rapier sites. My pilot, a chap that enjoyed explosives. So we get to the first few sites and duly divebomb them, all very tame until he says, get in the back and use the thunderflashes i have in my bag. I takes a look at him, and thinks for a split second, sounds dangerous. Right on, so we land, i get in the back and we are on a new mission. The gazelle had a small message chute back in them days and i opened it, and on his word i strike the thunderflash, and ejects it whereupon it explodes near the site and we see some gunners running for cover, very hilarious. Well after about 4 goes, he had a very good supply, i get the strike command and as i did, it hissed and jumped out of my hand. The scene then all slowed down. The thunderflash defied physics and was flying around the back of the cab like a slippery soap covered piece of soap. I can remember the eyes of the pilot getting ever larger and not at the ground coming up quickly. A lucky swat at the hissing piece of dynamite got it to drop through the chute for it to explode just below the aircraft. I can only imagine what thunderflash would do to a Gazelle if it had exploded inside. Well at that point, we got all serious, went straight and level and headed home.

So we get back and put the aircraft to bed, not a scratch on it and head back to the middle of the wood where a fire is lit and some aircrew are sat around. Up walks my pyromaniac matey and just casually throws 2 thunderflashes into the fire and starts to walk off. One chap recognises that he just did and stammers out something whereupon the rest of the aircrew take cover just before the fire goes up and nearly sets the forest on fire.

Ahhh them wer't days

Anon

[diginagain]

Must have been just before the time our gallant 2i/c tried dropping an orange smoke grenade down the same chute, not realising that the space had been filled with a transponder.

But then, everyone knows that story, don't they?

[Staticdroop]

I remember being told about someones unsuccessful attempt to fire of a schermully flare from the cockpit, anybody expand on that?
Good stories so far.:D

[Regain]

A quick one while we're on a theme:

There I am sat on the thunderbox in the wooden hut by the flight shack in Wainwright when I hear a bit of a commotion outside and many giggles. Next thing, my hut fills with an assortment of pyrotechnics fizzing, crackling and smoking. I hastily finish my ablutions and rush outside to find my (ex bootie JNCO, newish rodney) det commander looking past the hut at the forest fire he'd just started with his missed shots. I think all Alberta sent it's fire engines.

And yes, we lied!

[SlickHueyDriver]

654 Sqn.. Danny the Champion of the World (SSM)...

To an assembly of Airtroopers...
"There's been some allegations & I want to know right now who all the alligators are!"

On exercise...
"I want you to dismantle this tent here & remantle it over there"

Gulf 1... to a confused assembly of Airtroopers...
"You're all sperienced freshnalls & I want you patrolling the outer rimiter"

.."???!"

Daly & Thompson again (the bane of my life!)...

Following the Weser they spot some German Army Infantry types conducting a river crossing, paddling across in rubber boats.
...almost there... until a Floppy swoops in to the hover & blows them all back to the home bank!

[SlickHueyDriver]

NI... Early nineties.

Following several border incursions by assorted Lynx (& Wessex) crews the CO announced that the next crew that made an unauthorised international flight could expect a severe interview without coffee.

2 days later the 'Regimental Medals Team' themselves (CO & RQHI) neatly dropped a patrol South side.

...there IS a God !!!

[paco]

Wizzard - my first flight in NI was the same as yours, only there was no fog and it was at night! Luckily they had the hangar lights on and I could see the lit up roof, though not from that far away! They must have made a habit of it.

Our favourite trick with the Beaver was on the regular Infra Red checks at Kesh (so they could check for tunnels and collapse them just as the diggers were finishing - well, it kept them busy). We used to get over head at 300 feet and chop the throttle and glide down to the photo position at 100 feet or so then open the throttle wide to wake everyone up. Anyone who has heard a beaver taking off will appreciate the chaos!

I believe Paul Bragg got a low flying complaint from someone on the 4th floor of the belfast Europa who was wondering why he was 100 feet below him

Some good stories and personalities here - keep 'em coming!

And Hi Mick (Gee)!

Phil

[SlickHueyDriver]

Last couple... it's late!

Gulf 1..

It took a while to get the message back home that alcohol smuggled into parcels in empty shampoo bottles tasted entirely of....shampoo :o(

Method number 2. The accompanying letter in the parcel states "The vodka is in the Wet Wipes".

No problem! A giggling group of pilots is observed carefully wringing out wet wipes & getting comfortably tipsy on the juice.

They sobered up rapidly when removal of the last Wet Wipe revealed a minature of vodka secreted in the bottom of the empty tub!!!



And...

The chalet full of curious pilots testing their newly issued REAL combo pens on an orange to shouts of "Christ look at the size of that needle!"

After half a dozen shots they drift off to bed leaving the nerve-agent proof orange on the table.

A late returnee spies the juicy orange & helps himself. Was found wandering around commenting "Bright in here isn't it!!"


...& I don't think anyone will forget the first night time panic when the Scud alarms went off. In the OC's chalet someone found the light switch... & revealed the OC trying desperately to get an NBC boot on his head.

[Gus T Breeze]

Jeep,

It was one of those month-long autumn NATO FTX in Germany in the early '80s. I was a Gazelle driver with 664 Sqn and we had deployed to our normal op area, fairly close to the IGB in the ADIZ. Myself and my crewman, Steve P****n (late RAMC), were on an airborne patrol on our side of the border during the 'escalation of tension' phase, prior to the hostile act being committed.

We spotted a Dutch Lynx APC (orange forces) on our side of the border and landed alongside them to investigate. They were very friendly and it transpired that they were genuinely lost and had inadvertently strayed to our side of the border. While we were there, Steve and I asked if we could have a look round the APC, never having seen one close up before, and they were only too happy to oblige. Steve went first and climbed up through the commander's cupola and, after a very short time, came down again. I was just about to climb up myself, but he was extremely insistent that we should leave immediately. I tried to ask what was the hurry, but he just ushered me back to the Gazelle. While I was 'flashing it up' to leave with the 'Cloggie' APC crew looking on, Steve was quite agitated. It was only once safely airborne that he undid his combat jacket and produced the APC commander's exercise map, with all the current and planned orange forces locations marked on it! We took it straight to the 9/12 Lancers Regtl CP (who we were supporting) and presented our ill-gotten gains much to their delight.

Having gleaned all the useful information from it, someone cried 'foul' and we were ordered to take it back to the 'Cloggies'. We hadn't got the nerve to land and give it back, so we weighted it down and dropped it out of the window as we overflew them.

Happy days!

[Jeep]

Gus, great story.

Team Snake have deployed to GW1 and having helped mantle the lynx its all gone boring just before Christmas 90. We are on the scrounge. Down to the docks we go and chat to the marine equivalent of Sgt Bilko. Yes, he will give us some camo sets, but the price is a litre of bacardi, scotch and vodka. What is the problem? We had been there for about 6 weeks, and we hadnt seen or sniffed any booze at all. The shampoo hadnt started arriving by then. So we go back to our little expat hutted camp and ponder the problem. That evening I goes to the camp office and was chatting to the indian gent that ran the place. We get around to talking about the lack of alcohol and he simply says how much do i need. oh just 3 litres and i give him the order. no problem he says, come back the next night.

The next night he was a happy little chap as i handed over some shekels and compo (he wasnt sure what babies heads were, but i made them sound good) and he gave me a 2 litre bottle of clear liquid. I enquired to the lack of different flavours and he simply smiles and says put it in a dark bottle with a good label, and they wont know. Clever bugg_er he was too. He says cut it down at least 3 times, its potent stuff. Back to the hooch, and I put some on a spoon, and it burnt nice and clear (old trick my dad taught me when drinking photocopier fluid) and we cut it as he said. Out come the plastic water bottles and we have six litres of the damn stuff.

Down to the docks with it and for the kit exchange. Marine Bilko turns up, he has a truck full of goodies for us, but not before the ceromonial tasting. His 2 henchmen looked were the other tasters and it was clear which one of them liked whiskey. This wasnt going to be easy. So they stand there, all 3 of them, salivating and off come the tops. Noses in, smiles so far, and sip it they did. All 3 to a man complimented me on how fine the liquor was. I was gobsmacked and the rest of team snake just looked at each other and their own water bottle pouch. I can only put it down to the fact that i hadnt had booze for 6 weeks, they had been on the docks without it for way longer. We all parted company after negotiating how much they would need for a Humvee; that never happened though, as my CO couldnt make up his mind as to which model he wanted and chickened out in the end :)

Jeep

[MightyGem]

654 Sqn.. Danny the Champion of the World (SSM)...

To an assembly of Airtroopers...
"There's been some allegations & I want to know right now who all the alligators are!"

On exercise...
"I want you to dismantle this tent here & remantle it over there"

Gulf 1... to a confused assembly of Airtroopers...
"You're all sperienced freshnalls & I want you patrolling the outer rimiter"

.."???!"

Daly & Thompson again (the bane of my life!)...

Slick, I feel that I should know you?

[SlickHueyDriver]

Indeed MightyGem...a quick phonecall just now revealed I know all but one at your place of employ.

I slipped off to the antipodes for a while to avoid flying a desk.

Now operating the worlds biggest leaf blower... it also blows wing mirrors off cars I've discovered!!

The stories bring back good memories of a time life in a green growbag wasn't quite so serious as it is today.

[Jeep]

Great stories lads, keep them coming. Voting at the end of the month with a mega prize on offer

Jeep

[handysnaks]

Ok, not exactly a flying story and rather lower deck but….

It’s about 86/87. Yours truly is attached to 3 BAS (as they were then), survival training in Norway on the usual winter deployment. I think we were in six or eight man tent sheets but that’s by the by. We are in Cam whites and some kind Royal troops up to me to inform me that the AAC Brigadier is inbound to visit the troops and as Handy is the duty Pongo would he kindly make himself available to show how steely eyed he is (which is not very!).
No problemo, however before any such meeting can take place Handy gets the urge to go and commit No 2’s. So shovel in hand he goes off for the traditional recce for an appropriate secluded spot.

He finds a decent isolated bit of woodland, with convenient branch, low, thick, one, for the sitting on and procede to pollute Norway. All is good with the world and Norway looks fine with a covering of January’s finest snow
However, the warmth of bodily waste matter melts the snow that waste matter is sitting on. This snow happens to be holding fast a spring-loaded branch of an adjacent fir tree (Norwegian Spruce I think!). So, job done Handy finishes current ablitive manouvre and pulls up (pristine) cam white trousers. As trousers go up, aforementioned waste matter manages to thaw the spring-loaded branch sufficient for it to return to its natural position.
Unfortunately, this involves picking up a sufficient amount of bodily waste and flinging it in a neat arc, which includes the back of Handys cam white trousers.
At this point Brigs Gazellicopter circles the area prior to landing.
Handy thinks bugg£r. He carefully scrapes off as much offending material as he can. Still looks a bit obvious though! Snow washing, that’ll work. Handy rips off cam white trousers and rubs them furiously in the snow, brand new cam white trousers rapidly turn from brilliant white with a streak of brown to yellow! Handy can hear his name being shouted through the trees. Obvious now that Trousers need to be dumped (as if they already haven’t been!). Handy makes a late arrival at the Brigs location with much muttering about being in split rig…….

[timex]

Handy, you still carrying your briefcase full of cassettes....:):)

[handysnaks]

I had to have some real music to drown out the US Marine Marching songs that you lot used to play:p

[Letsby Avenue]

Heard a similar story from an unfortunate aircrewman who had to do what he had to do somewhere in BAOR whilst wearing the ubiquitous noddy suit. Once the deed had been done, our hero of the hour was horrified to suddenly discover the somewhat baggy nature of NBC suits and that he had horribly miscalculated his anticipated drop zone. Amazingly, he used to carry a pair of scissors in his top pocket and was able to successfully 'cut away' as it were. :uhoh:

Didn't take long to reach this level did it...

[psyan]

I think it was George Lawrence [perhaps Mat Roberts] who did a similar trick in the thunderbox shed in Port San Carlos circa 85. Only this was into an immersion suit!!!!!:{

[hihover]

The Squadron had a day planned on the Ranges and the Brigadier was due to visit. Of course, there were several concurrent activities to keep the chaps busy when not actually shooting. I had been chosen to host a Military Knowledge quiz stand. Me and my team of guys sat together and came up with some really smart questions (and answers) that I could ask them when the Brigadier was with us and they could demonstrate their vast knowledge of the Army.

We only had to entertain the Brigadier for a few minutes so we only had a few questions, We were sitting chatting on the edge of the woods and a few minutes prior to Brig's arrival, a very keen young Lieutenant came running over to check if everyone was ready. Upon seeing us giggling, he posed the question...."OK, what is the name of the Army Air Corps' Slow March?"

That stumped us all for a second but Bod the radio operator saved the moment by saying "well sir, I can't remember the name but I know the words."

"Really"??, says rocket socks, "What are the words?..... and Bod nearly killed us all with laughter as he said - Left..............Right.................Left..............Ri ght

Aye, I nearly bought the beers!

[If all else fails]

Absolute classic hihover!

I recall a RM patrol during a night extraction in NI trying to self load into a Lynx. They had most of their bergens and one and a half marines into the baggage compartment/avionics bay before they were disturbed by the door gunner who was sent to find out what was taking so long!

[JHC Wilton]

Hildesheim. A Cpl crewman is making up some maps and briefly leaves the room leaving said maps unattended. Without a word and like a well oiled machine, the maps are descended upon from all sides by others more senior.
8 months later at the finale of a Regt'l Ex an O group is called by the CO. Comd Avn BAOR is visiting to see how professional 1 Regt are.
CO asks Ops Offr for a map of such and such area.
"Don't worry Sir!" pipes up OC 661, "I have one with me here"
The CO's pretends to ignore the submarine periscopes, trains, suspiciously square woods and 'ere be monsters' etc and carries on briefing much to the amusement of all and the discomfort of OC 661!

[JHC Wilton]

GW1. An RAF exchange officer with an unfortunate stammer (cruelly given callsign 44F) is briefing the chaps.
"......and then we will go roun, roun, roun, round here"
Tony Dean (RIP) interupts with "Bloody hell sir, if we go round once more we'll be back where we started from!"
Well, it was funny at the time...
You had to be there..

[diginagain]

A Cpl crewman is making up some maps and briefly leaves the room leaving said maps unattended

In a similar vein - cutting out the Steinhudermeer from a spare sheet and prit-sticking it over Gutersloh.

Can't remember which, but either Spike J or Jock Brand spent ages colouring in all the built-up areas in BAOR with red lumi, specifically for night-flying, only to find it utterly useless under a red cockpit light.

Ever notice how, when putting a map together, you were literally surrounded by your mates giving you tips and hints, right up to the moment you need 6 hands to stick the fablon on?

[hihover]

Falklands 1987.

I was sent there just as the Corps was pulling out so it was a very happy time for us all.

One day, I was invited by a rather angry OC to explain to him an episode that had taken place earlier that day:

A helicopter was flying very low (wazzing) along the beach close to MPA where there were some penguins. As the aircraft approached at 10 feet 130 kts, all the penguins scrambled into the water with all the normal comic antics of a bunch of startled penguins.

Just at this point, the pilot noticed 2 people stand up in the long grass waving their arms and realised that they had been crawling on their bellies to get close enough for some good photies. He realised that he had disrupted their plan so he kindly went out to sea and tried to herd the penguins back onshore.

Of course, the penguins were now petrified and took to the depths and in all directions, making the incident even more the cock-up and the last place the penguins wanted to be was back on that beach.

The OC was visibly upset, the two photographers were Comd BFFI (high up Navy) and a visiting General. Both had crawled for 45 minutes to get that close and neither was impressed nor forgiving and the OC had to deliver the culprit. And until the culprit was delivered, the OC's parts were in a vice.

"Well sir, I'm not a squealer, but there were only two of us airborne today, me and the Major QHI, and it wasn't me!"

A very embarrassed Major QHI had to go and explain his antics to the Commander.

Laugh - I nearly passed my toffees around.

[Two's in]

Ever notice how, when putting a map together, you were literally surrounded by your mates giving you tips and hints, right up to the moment you need 6 hands to stick the fablon on?

Unless Thompson and Daly were part of that crowd, in which case just as the fablon was about 3mm off the map, and the beret was applying downward and outwards pressure, the contents of the crew room ashtray would be thrown into the middle, dog-ends, fag ash and spent matches now a permanent feature of the BAOR topography.

Also reminds me of when the first lady SAAM (Alison B, as was) was visiting the 670 Sqn Crew Room in Wallop, The Wookie (on his Lynx conversion) asks if she wants a coffee, to which she says she hasn't got time, but after much pontificating and urging by Ian, she replies in front of about 20 blokes;

"Oh go on then, I'll have a couple of inches in the bottom"

Much mirth and hilarity ensued.

[Regain]

Still in my Gazelle days and another op somewhere abroad:

Tasked to take Hereford chap round some of the more remote bazaas doing his security advisor bit. Eventually we find one site and even manage to get them on the radio, have the HLS described to us, recce it, decide that with it being deep in snow, on a slope and into sun I'd better do the landing. Let me just add that my driver was more than capable but I thought it the decent thing to do. So in we go. Quite a tricky landing but after a few re-positions I managed to bed it in and shut down. No problem. Out we get and walk out of the field and over the fence with the red triangles! Yep, minefield. Behind us.

A hushed conversation follows during which we decide that if we retrace our steps when leaving we should be alright.

So we meet our hosts and find out, yes it's really mined and no, we shouldn't have landed there. Anyway, with my back to the aircraft, I see my somewhat taller than me pilot's jaw drop. I turn round to see our helicopter sliding backwards down the (mine)field towards the ditch at the back. My world slowed down, expecting to see it either explode or fall off the edge or both. Obviously it didn't or you'd have heard of it but remember the coach in The Italian Job?

Deciding that I'd rather be blown up than call it in, I can't remember whether we both went or just myself but back along my footprints I went and along the skid marks(!) and into the cockpit. It levelled and I took off, re-positioning to where we should have landed.

Another one we got away with. Becoming quite a confessional this. Why can't I hit that submit reply button? Oh, go on then.

[Regain]

That same lady SAM, in the morning, after a heavy night on the lash was asked "How's your head?" - "Quite good, so I'm told".

[ericferret]

Whilst on the annual excuse for a free skiing holiday at the tax payers expense (Ice Queen?)
I witnessed the following display of cool from one of our flying colleagues (Rod Scott)

The ski lifts were full and going at full belt with the surface very bumpy.

About 10 bars up from us a lady fell off and began sliding back down slope bashing her head on everyones ski tips and leaving a trail of blood behind her.

All are watching her and doing nothing.

As she gets down to our level with a fair way to go to the bottom Rod side steps off the bar digs in his skis and hoiks the unfortunate lady off the track to safety. To the cheers of the other lift passengers.


In a perfect world she would have been an heiress who's father owned a distillery, a Ferrari distributorship and was desperate for a highly paid corporate pilot.

I doubt Rod was that lucky.

I wonder if the lady survived as it looked quite nasty at the time.
The blood was visible for several days after the event.

[anonythemouse]

Bosnia 96. Flying around above the snowcovered landscape to see a person gesticulating to us from a track surrounded by woods. Not having anywhere to land and being concerned that he may be in touble or wish to convey important info to the brave men of IFOR I decided to head for a nearby British outpost. Did all the good stuff before landing and then briefed the doorgunner A/Tpr Lilley (if my memory serves me) to wade through the snow and pass on what we had witnessed so that it could be further investigated. Sat there with the Kev Allan and watched him struggle through the knee high snow, brief the troops and return to the aircraft tracing his outbound footsteps. Oh how we laughed, having failed to dress for the outside environment and put his gaiters on he was obviously trying to lessen the soaking his trousers were getting. Lilley arrives at the aircraft, climbs aboard, shuts door plugs in and announces "They said we're in a minefield!" :eek:

[Jeep]

anonymouse - priceless

Jeep

[anonythemouse]

Lured into a trap by Mick Thompson....Twice!!

1. At MW doing Basic Rotary, the Crabs are having their annual attempt at marching and doing military stuff with the Battle of Britain Memorial just in front of flying wing. "Have you seen what's happening outside?" enquires Mick. thinking that something out of the ordinary had happened a number of us stand up amd peer out of the window, only for Thompson to hammer on it and disappear through the door into the hangar (and out of sight) faster than an escapie from the WRAC block when it got raided!

2. Still on Pilots course but now down at 'Mountbatten' doing the sea survival stuff. Enjoying a beer in downtown Plymouth at a place that was a converted bank. Sat up on a mezanine (?) level on a very busy night Mick calls out "Have you seen the fanny in the corner?" Instantly we all stand up and push our heads through/over the decorative foliage to peer towards the corner, just as he has lets loose from behind us with a generous handful of the stones from the hydroponic plant pots. He's out of the building before they reach their target with the stacato sound of a firecracker. We joined him swiftly before we could get lynched by the customers in the target area!:ouch:

[ericferret]

2 stories that were before my time relating to Soest but still spoken of.


The Sioux left in a field at endex and not noticed as missing until return to base.

The pilot on his last army flight who ended up in a Scout to tower discussion at 12 inch blade tip clearance with the OC who objected to his flying through the lights on top of the hangar.

anybody confirm either of the above?

[CyclicRick]

Deepest darkest Germany on some exercise or another again early eighties with 653 Sqn. Can't remember who it was but some trooper trotts of for a shovel recce (after foolishly announcing to all present). Lightning exchange of glances and off go two deviants and follow him (all at night). Said trooper find suitable tree to hold on to (you all know the position), drops trousers and proceeds to do the business. Unbeknown to him the deviants have spotted his secret place and have crept up silently behind and place shovel under dropping zone. Deed done, shovel withdrawn, trooper checks for quality of deed and panicks..turd no-where to be seen. Checks trousers..boots...etc. The face on him when he came back was priceless but he didn't say a word which made it even funnier.

Letsby: I remember a bloke called Stu (653sqn. can't remember surname) peeing into the front of his NBC suit in the same way, brilliant :O

Rick

[nimby]

[SITREP 18:00 LOCAL]
.... got as far as post #62 ... tears in eyes ... uncontrolled giggling. Will have to calm down before leaving my office!
Keep 'em coming lads - BRILLIANT!

[foxtrot tango]

A certain AAC CPT on liason duty, playing poker in Louisiana mid-way on a ferry mission .....drunk too.

[rod scott]

Yes I remember it well

[FSXPilot]

Friend is on leave in the UK and gets so pissed at the club in Hereford that he fails to wake up in time on the Sunday morning.
No worries says his mate I fly you back in my Scout.
All going well at this point right up until on the return trip flying through Holland the helicopter goes tech.
The names of those involved will remain secret to protect the guilty.
Explaining why the helicopter was in Holland and not working must have been a tad tricky.

[rod scott]

There is no truth in the rumour that I picked up a German farmer instead of the Brigadier at San Sebastian in 1974 and gave him a FREE ride...
HE PAID ME FOR THE TRIP
Sorry about that Spencer but I was saving for my new BMW.:ok::O

[diginagain]

669 Sqn in the field, one autumn, Lynx Flt led by WO2 Mac Burns, Gazelle Flt under the 'supervision' of an officer. It's cold and dark and Gaz Flt are huddled around a single hexy cooker, struggling to keep warm. Ian White steps out of his luxury 9x9 to complain about the lack of tactical awareness among us, and promptly drops the contents of his mug on our hexy-telly.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the clearing, Lynx Flt can be seen, silhouetted by the light of a huge bonfire...........

[BobbyBolkow]

Night flying exercise for 3 Flt in the wilds of North Yorkshire late '84.

All 3 A/C out with YT as OC night teamed up with IM (small furry rodent) as crew out last. Gin clear night with brilliant hunters moon. Not much point going as you could virtually 'see' all the turning points! But those were the gud 'ol days when we weren't worried about flying hours/costs etc. :D

Having completed all points west, started transiting east towards Sutton bank at 1500' and working 'Crab Air' at Linton. Quiet night air traffic wise but didn't mind as the 'lumpy jumper' at Linton was a bit of a honey! Anyway, whether she was bored or just trying to be helpful.....she sent a transmission;-

Lumpy jumper - Army 354 got an intermittant contact, slow moving, north to south about 2 NM ahead. It may be a train.

Me (in best serious & concerned for my safety voice) - Army 354 roger - (pause) - visual the train - (pause) - should pass underneath.

Lumpy jumper (amid echoy laughter from Linton night crew) -.......Er....roger.

Mouse in hysterics, and that was the last she spoke to us all night! :mad:



Earlier post about 'The Klink' reminded me of the time exercising with 656 in Otterburn late 70's. When getting seated in a scout, Bill S had a habit of bracing his back on the seat, feet on the pedals and 'adjusting' himself before doing up the harness. Out in the sticks and Bill jumps in to start and 'CRACK'.... snaps off right yaw pedal! :{ Lots of muttering and expletives follow! No duals & no spares either. 'No problems' said Klink, 'I'll take it back'...............WOT!
And he did..... all the way to Farnboro with 1 pedal and a 2" stub!


Couldn't posssibly talk about flying in S. Georgia with Stephanovich, Thompson et al. Maybe save that for another day :=


aaaah memories!.............Where did the good times go? :ok:

[Schinthe]

8 Indep. Recce. Flt. Serengeti 63-'64
I was refuelling one of our Alouettes after an early morning sortie looking for poachers, and noticed a white splodge on the underside of one of the blades, thinking that bird droppings were usually on the top of the blades I went over to find that it was daylight I could see! There was a nice neat hole just aft of the main spar and the angle of entry and exit left no doubt where the shot had originated!
It turned out that the game warden in the back had loosed off at a gang of poachers they had come across,not realising he was firing through the rotor disc when they were banking around them. I've often speculated on the odds involved, and how lucky they were!

[rogerk]

651 Sqn Verden 1970 a PR excercise to show how we really loved the Signals Regiment we lived with.

Was it possible to get their latest highly secret aerial to the top of the tower near the barrack gate ?

No probs !!

In a moment of madness I voluntered to be strapped face down on the side pod to guide the pilot.

Few dummy runs and we were away !!

Over the top of the tower, no load swing.

This is a doddle !!

Then an over eager Signals Sergeant leaned out from the railings and grabbed the aerial.

He was desperately clinging on to his new toy connecting him to 3000 pounds of Sioux in a very dodgy hover a few feet above his head to a 300 foot metal tower !!

“Drop load - go left !!”

Aerial and strop tumbled in slow motion to the “pave” below

.......yes it did cost a bloody fortune in beers in the Sqn Bar that night !!

[Epiphany]

Kenya 1985. Gazelle pilot flying solo back to Nanyuki spots a buffalo skeleton in the bush with magnificent horns that would look just dandy behind the Squadron bar back in UK. Looks for a place to land and finds a small clearing 50m west of the skeleton. Lands shuts down.

Bush is about 10 feet high but he thinks he can find the buffalo so walks east through the bush and sure enough there it is. Picks up horns and walks west back towards helicopter. 50 metres later - no helicopter. Walks back east 50 metres to buffalo - no buffalo. First signs of panic set it. Keep calm. Sit down and think first - then panic.

Fortunately the African bush is fairly quiet during the day and even more fortuitously a cooling Astazou makes a noticeable pinging noise that can be heard 50 metres away.

Could have been ugly.

[Schinthe]

You were fortunate you didn't meet up with the dreaded Ferkawi pygmies who, apparently often got lost in that sort of terrain!:E

[Savoia]

.
This was during the first Army Air Corps (1942-1957) when my godfather (Col. Bob Smith) was flying Field Marshall (Viscount) Montgomery to attend an inspection of kilt-wearing guards. Evidently 'Monty' was a stickler for punctuality and wanted to arrive on location at the precisely appointed time.

My godfather and the Field Marshall had made good speed (I shall have to ascertain which aircraft was used) so that they arrived some minutes early. Monty then told Bob to 'wait a few minutes' whereupon my godfather decided to hover behind a small tree line a short distance from the parade ground. During the animated discussion between Monty and my godfather the 'appointed time' came and went so that they were now one minute late!

In his best effort to minimise any further delay my godfather expedited a transition towards the parade ground resulting in a mini quick-stop-and-flare the effect of which was to expose Monty to the strapping manliness of a good number of the guards! :O

~

On a seperate occasion my godfather was caught red-handed in his mess kit on his hands and knees removing the toilet seat from a lavatory which had been specifically constructed for a visit by HM.

Knowing the prankster my godfather was, his CO collaborated with his seniors in forming a hoax court martial during which he was asked "and what exactly was your intention with this item of Her Majesty's property" and to which my godfather explained "I had wanted to hang it in the Officer's Mess with the inscription "Queen Elizabeth sat here .. or words to that effect Sir!".

Some of the older boys may recall these (and other) stories relating to the Colonel.

S.

[rod scott]

Is this the BOB SMITH who flew out in Niarobi, Kenya with AUTAIR???????????

[Epiphany]

Falklands 1983. Two Scouts depart Port Stanley for somewhere on West Falkland. One piloted by Sqn QHI WO2 Bill C the other by some gullible young Sgt. Bill says - 'Bet I can beat you there if I go via the longer route'. Sgt says - 'You're on'.

Weather awful, low cloud and poor vis but just flyable. 10 minutes later Sgt Gullible calls Bill -'What's the weather like where you are?' Bill replies 'Nay problem laddie - I'm VFR on top at 1500 feet - gin clear up here'.

10 minutes later another call 'Bill - I am at 4000 feet climbing and still in cloud'

Sounds of giggling 'Ayyyeee laddie - I got you there! - See you back in Stanley!'

[Savoia]

Is this the same BOB SMITH who flew out in Niarobi, Kenya with AUTAIR?


Yes, this was one of his last contracts prior to retiring.

S.

[Epiphany]

UK 1986. Newly arrived Gazelle pilot reading Sqn DRO's spies a need for a volunteer to attend a CSRO course. Sees a nearby old and bold Lynx pilot:

Gazelle Pilot: 'What's a CSRO course?
Lynx Pilot: 'Get your name down for that laddie - it's a 2 week Flight Safety Officers course in London. You stay in a hotel and get £25 a day LOA'
Gazelle Pilot (thinks): 'That's the course for me!'

2 weeks later Gazelle Pilot is spread eagled against the wall of castle in Cornwall, wet, very cold and very hungry with a bag on his head listening to white noise having volunteered for a Combat Survival and Rescue Officers course.

[What Limits]

The CSRO course in Cornwall - That must have been the easy one. I did the hard one - the one in Devon.

That one in Bad Kohlgrub, that was hard too until we had to ski for 4 days to acclimatize then spend a night in a poncho bivvy with a sleeping bag.

My how we sniggered at the Crabs struggling with parachutes and dinghies.

Last laugh was on us though as crab plus matey ascertain that its only a short tab back to the village so guess where they spent the night!

[diginagain]

Epiphany, we didn't get that way without getting the scars ourselves. :ok:

[BobbyBolkow]

3 Flt supporting Kilt wearing regiment exercising in Kenya late 85.

All based at the racecourse (?) in Nanuyki, and after usual famils around the different training areas settled into routine. A couple of weeks later a detachment of RMP travel up country from Nairobi to have a 'look around!' i.e. check on the boys. Col in a skirt suggests the Flt 'might like to take them around the areas'. So we gear up for another afternoon of cooks tours!

When breifing said monkeys, we gave them the usual do's and don'ts and stressed that "If you feel sick..... use your berets,as we don't want to have a cabin full of carrots!" :=

First 2 trips, no problems. 3rd trip, after doing the training areas we headed for Mt Kenya to go look for some Hefalumps. Soon a tiny voice was heard from the back "I don't feel very well!". "OK" says I "hang on a minute". Executed a brill quick-stop with 90deg into field and lands :D. "Right, out you get lad". So Monkey jumps out and legs it to the corner of the field. 4 pairs of eyes looked on in amazment as he took his beret out of his combat jacket pocket and................................YES! threw up into it! :ugh: He then carefully folded his beret again, put it back in his pocket and came back saying "Great, I feel better for that!"
I did try to explain that the reason for landing in a field was that he could be sick outside the aircraft, but the howls of laughter from the others won! So it was a cr@p take-off due to the tears in my eyes.

Got a few beers recounting that one in the mess that night tho' :ok:

[diginagain]

Reminds me of the story of a couple of lads out in Alberta on Ex Medicine Man. After an evening sampling the delights of the 'Bin in Medicine Hat they manage to get a taxi to take them back to Suffield.

"Look," says the driver "I know you're full of beer, but this is my taxi, my office, and my home for most of the time. If you feel like barfing, let me know. I'll pull over. You open the door and barf, and we'll be on our way again."

Halfway home and one of the lads is getting the urge. Driver gets the message, slows down and pulls onto the verge. Mate in the back opens the door, discharges the contents of his stomach into his own lap, and closes the door.

[rogerk]

One of those boring exercises on the plains of northern Germany.
Middle of the night, radio silence, all "cammed" up, SAS in the vicinity.
You know the scenario.
Fred the Airtech decides it is a good time to visit the DTL for a long overdue "compo ration dump"
Armed with his trusty SMG a new bog roll and one of those high powered aluminium torches he sets off.
He reaches his destination and is just about to sit down when he drops his bog roll.
Switches on his high powered torch.
Shout from the guard "Put that f*****g light out.
Fred panics and drops the torch in to the depths of the DTL where it lands with the beam pointing skywards and a clear ray of light reaching to at least half a kilometre !!
Very understanding and kindly SSM.
"I don't care how it happened you are going to sit there until daylight or the battery runs out whichever comes first"

[johnhyde84]

i was there me thinks but can`t remember crewmans name but i guess the pilot to be l squared d

john

[topendtorque]

Forgive the civvie and antipodean intrusion, but it is a tale of the universal barfing procedure.

Two of us mustering for a colorful ex American 'gentleman', and cattle station owner - Charles English Henderson Jn. the III.(Retired ex US Navy the first carrier night fighters)

My offsider has been tasked to carry a station visitor as a favor for 'Charlie'. After a while I hear this exclamation. "Well will yer come and look at this, I've seen everything now".

I tooled over and peered at his pax from close quarters who appeared to be sitting, fat, dumb and happy. "Oh yeah," I says "looks pretty normal."

Well, turns out the pax had done the usual rainbow colour change techniques, every colour except red, which is bad signage, then looks at my mate with a woeful look.

Mate says with strong finger gesticulation, "You spew - you clean."

In his pitiful state he removed his pork pie hat, chundered into it, then not knowing what to do firmly replaced it on his head.

I couldn't see it but by the time I had gotten around there, he had a small liquid trickle curling down his temple. Sat like that until refuel two hours later.