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nick0021
22nd Dec 2006, 16:41
Came across this earlier. there was a forum dedicated to it with over 22,000 users!.. thought it was rather amusing!:E

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation

ProfessionalStudent
22nd Dec 2006, 16:44
All very well, but where's the link so that we can join? Once we're in charge, I could get me a go in some of that nice shiny hardware they've got.:E

SASless
22nd Dec 2006, 16:50
You lot tried to do this twice already and got sent packing each time after a good whooping....care for a third thumping are yer?:rolleyes:

The Helpful Stacker
22nd Dec 2006, 16:51
You lot tried to do this twice already and got sent packing....care for a third thumping are yer?:rolleyes:

We'll settle with just burning down the White House again, ok?

nick0021
22nd Dec 2006, 16:58
You lot tried to do this twice already and got sent packing each time after a good whooping....care for a third thumping are yer?:rolleyes:

Did you not mean to say ... "care for a thrid thumping DO YOU?"

Not to worry, it will all make sense when the new dictionary is published for you lot! :E

unkind43
22nd Dec 2006, 17:20
Did you not men to say ... "care for a thrid thumping DO YOU?"
Not to worry, it will all make sense when the new dictionary is published for you lot! :E
This must be one of those times you wished your spelling was correct. :\

228 OCU
22nd Dec 2006, 17:39
Back in 1976 Bob Hope was the host at a large Independence party when he said; "Well here we are, celebrating 200 years of independence from the British. I have one question...is it too late to reconsider?".



If in doubt Bang Out!

chevvron
22nd Dec 2006, 18:44
Well known Englishman Bob Hope; born in Kidbrooke, where there used to be an RAF Station (originally barrage balloons so lots of WAAFs)

brickhistory
22nd Dec 2006, 19:19
We'll settle with just burning down the White House again, ok?

Actually, your 1812 scorching of the then Presidential residence caused it to become the "White House."

After repairing the burn damage to the exterior, there was no real way to make the repaired areas match with the undamaged area and in time-honored tradition of navies and unskilled do it yourselfers (me included), they slapped a coat of paint on the whole building. The paint was white and thus, the residence of today was created.

Theodore Roosevelt is credited with using and making the term "White House" the common meaning for the Presidential residence.

And if the UK really wants to have another go, may I suggest that you first rebuild your Navy, your Army, and your Air Force. Of course, just doing that because it's a smart thing to do should be enough reason, but 'y'all' have seemed hell-bent for leather to get rid of everything you can. I have the utmost respect for your armed services except for their sizes.

tony draper
22nd Dec 2006, 19:26
Twer our second civil war.
Signers of the Declaration of Independence

John Hancock English
Button Gwinnett English
Lyman Hall English
George Walton English
William Hooper English
Joseph Hewes English
John Penn English
Edward Rutledge English
Thomas Heyward, Jr. English
Thomas Lynch, Jr. Irish-Dutch-English
Arthur Middleton English
Samuel Chase English
William Paca Italian-English
Thomas Stone English
Charles Carroll Irish
George Whyte English
Richard Henry Lee English
Thomas Jefferson English
Benjamin Harrison English
Thomas Nelson, Jr. Scottish-English
Francis Lightfoot Lee English
Carter Braxton English
Robert Morris English
Benjamin Rush English
Benjamin Franklin English
John Morton Swedish-English
George Clymer English
James Smith Scotch-Irish
George Taylor Scotch-Irish
James Wilson Scottish
George Ross Scottish
Caesar Rodney English
George Read Irish-Welsh
Thomas McKean Scotch-Irish
William Floyd Welsh-English
Philip Livingston Dutch-Scottish
Francis Lewis Welsh
Lewis Morris English-Dutch
Richard Stockton English
John Witherspoon Scottish
Francis Hopkinson English
John Hart English
Abraham Clark English
Josiah Bartlett English
William Whipple English
Matthew Thornton Scotch-Irish
Samuel Adams English
John Adams English
Robert Treat Paine English
Elbridge Gerry English
Sephen Hopkins English
William Ellery English
Roger Sherman English
Samuel Huntington English
William Williams English
Oliver Wolcott English
:E

TheDesertFerret
22nd Dec 2006, 19:40
I believe the header of this thread was flying under the banner of "humour".

Anybody responding to it seriously - especially those of the "come on if you think you're hard enough" messages - has demonstrated either:

1) A total sense of humour failure;
2) A large chip on shoulder / collective national insecurity or;
3) Just been plain and simple dim.

I'll draw up scores and see which side of the Atlantic wins the humour v chip on shoulder v being dim battle.

And forgive my dimness Mr Draper - what was your point on the signatories?

brickhistory
22nd Dec 2006, 19:48
I believe the header of this thread was flying under the banner of "humour".

Anybody responding to it seriously - especially those of the "come on if you think you're hard enough" messages - has demonstrated either:

1) A total sense of humour failure;
2) A large chip on shoulder / collective national insecurity or;
3) Just been plain and simple dim.



A simple misunderstanding. You see, on this side of the big water, we've learned to do without the extra 'u' in humor, so things don't always translate effectively when dealing with the old folks.

My post was, in the main, to take a tangent regarding the British burning of Washington, DC and the Presidential residence.

My remark about another go was, in the main, to lament the loss of Britain's once strong military.

From that please feel free to categorize me....

Clarence Oveur
22nd Dec 2006, 20:04
......please feel free to categorize me....
I think you just did.

None of the above
22nd Dec 2006, 20:07
From that please feel free to categorize me....
Or possibly categorise..........

brickhistory
22nd Dec 2006, 20:15
Or possibly categorise..........

Or categorize, as originally posted.......

Rich Lee
22nd Dec 2006, 20:23
Come on Drapes. We Americans are not so gullible as to believe that most of the men who signed the Declaration of Independence shared the last name 'English'.:}

tony draper
22nd Dec 2006, 21:29
Well that list works like Kryptonite on the Cousins who like to think the USA just surfaced from under the sea with no connection to Europe whatsoever, and it works like Kryptonite on Europeans who like to think the USA just surfaced from under the sea with no connection to Europe whatsoever.
They are us, we are them.
:rolleyes:

jeppsbore
22nd Dec 2006, 21:31
Mr Draper

You may well remeber that Jeremy Clarkson had a chat show once.
On one occasion he had an American guest who was singing the praises of the American military might, to which Mr Clarkson responded that if the American military is so great tell me how many wars they have won?

Too cut a long story short the answer is NONE, even the civil war cannot be counted as a victory as it was essentially British versus British ;)

I'm sure some will contradict this but all other skirmishes they have been involved in that have been a sucess have been colaborations with other nations.

So as posted by nick0021 it's time we reclaimed our soverienty back :hmm:

TheDesertFerret
22nd Dec 2006, 21:36
Oh bloody hell jeppsbore - that should liven things up a bit.

Anybody want to offer odds on the first mention of Vietnam within the next five posts?

I think we should let the States join in the Eurovision Song Contest and fight a real battle. We'd have to rename it of course.

Sven Sixtoo
22nd Dec 2006, 21:47
Well
I am embarrassed to admit that I recognised the names of only 4 of the signatories to what I believe (through basic legal education) to be the finest governmental document ever.
So how did the others fail to register on the historical radar? USA what are you shouting?
Sven

Um... lifting...
22nd Dec 2006, 22:54
I'm sure some will contradict this but all other skirmishes they have been involved in that have been a sucess have been colaborations with other nations.

Mr. Bore-
I submit the Quasi-War as but one. Feel free to blame the French for your error. While always happy to kick the French given a chance, Britain didn't engage operationally with the U.S. as the two separate nations independently engaged a common enemy.

While never wishing to be a spelling pedant, if ye elder doddering and selectively forgetful cousins wish to discuss the use of 's' v. 'z', or the superfluous use of 'u' or your wasteful spelling of "Chumley" (Cholmondeley), we'll meet you in Maffachufetts.
Merrie Chriftmas & c.;)

Davaar
22nd Dec 2006, 23:10
The two Germans were standing in the wood blindfolded and under guard. Harper said, "I have the American commander's reply."

The German captain asked, "Is it written or verbal?"

"It is written," said Harper.

And then be said to the German major, "I will stick it in your hand."

The German captain translated the message. The major then
asked, "Is the reply negative or affirmative? If it is the latter I will negotiate further."

All of this time the Germans were acting in an upstage and patronizing manner. Colonel Harper was beginning to lose his temper. He said, "The reply is decidedly not affirmative." Then he added, "If you continue this foolish attack your losses will be tremendous." The major nodded his head.

Harper put the two officers in the jeep and took them back to the main road where the German privates were waiting with the white flag.

He then removed the blindfold and said to them, speaking through the German captain, "If you don't understand what 'Nuts' means, in plain English it is the same as 'Go to hell.' And I will tell you something else—if you continue to attack we will kill every goddam German that tries to break into this city."

The German major and captain saluted very stiffly. The captain said, "We will kill many Americans. This is war." It was then 1350.10

"On your way, Bud," said Colonel Harper, "and good luck to you".

Loose rivets
22nd Dec 2006, 23:15
You lot tried to do this twice already and got sent packing each time after a good whooping....care for a third thumping are yer?:rolleyes:


The Mouse that Roared comes to mind.:E

CoodaShooda
24th Dec 2006, 01:15
I suggest all of you armchair language and history experts from both sides of the Atlantic go and read Bill Bryson's "Made in America" :E


Any one up to celebrating Independence Day on 2 July? :D :}

Um... lifting...
24th Dec 2006, 03:45
I suggest all of you armchair language and history experts from both sides of the Atlantic go and read Bill Bryson's "Made in America" :E
Any one up to celebrating Independence Day on 2 July? :D :}
Read it. Read his book about your sunburned country (as per his title and your listed location) as well. In fact, read most everything the man's put between two covers. Poking good fun at folk like Macquarie: "Hae we no' got a Macquarie Swamp yet, laddie? And look here at this wee copse. It has nae name. What shall we call it, do ye think?" and making poor puns about towns such as Hay and pints of Old Toejam is a worthy life's work (though he seems none too well-disposed to your stated domicile, but liked the museum).
I say we just make a week of it... first week of July seems close enough.:ok: