View Full Version : It's a Dogs life 8

18th Dec 2006, 00:16
It was a dark and stormy night,
nothing stirred, not even a mouse.
Idiot : 'And I'm certainly not stirring,it's windy and it's raining.'
'You have to go to the toilet. Get up, and get off the sofa. Out C'mon.'
Idiot: 'Nope. I'm deaf. No idea what you're saying.'
'In the name of Jesus what are you eating now for God's sake.'
Idiot: 'Beef jerky with curry powder and some Chewits, sort of a nice mix.'
This brings even me to a stunned and chilly silence.

Right, I'm intelligent, 'how did you do that. the jerky was on top of a bookcase and the Chewits were on a shelf, an Idiot proof shelf.'

Idiot: 'Well to be honest I stood on the chair.'
'Bad dog, bad oh what's the point.'
Idiot: 'You're going to beat me now aren't you, I'm off.'
Where does Idiot hide, in the middle of a hallway, but curled up really small.
'I can see you Idiot. You're lying in the middle of the hall, God almighty you're stupid.'
Idiot: 'Nope, not me, I'm not here.'
'You're crap at hiding, you know that, rubbish.'
Meanwhile my mobile is going with calls from Vienna and when I reply all they hear is bad dog bad dog what are you eating. Brilliant.

Standard Noise
18th Dec 2006, 08:23
Foss man, you've just gotta unleash this on a wider audience, if we all love this saga of 'dog belittles man', then it's a cert that others will too, it's far more entertaining than 'Marley and me'.
Find a publisher.......now!!!:D

18th Dec 2006, 09:31
fantastic :D :D :D

DX Wombat
18th Dec 2006, 09:39
Brilliant! :ok: :D :D :D

18th Dec 2006, 09:52
I'm sinking further down the food chain.
Eight phone calls, Eight. There's three phones here plus my mobile.
Idiot: 'Woo hoo wo the phones are ringing make them stop. I'm going to run around a bit and stare at the door. Can I have a biscuit.'
It's my bloody father phoning from Vienna.
He's alternating between landline and mobile he does this all the time.
Idiot: 'Woo hoo woo Listen, there's an awful lot of ringing, I don't like it, what about that biscuit.'
'Oh just go away and lie somewhere, go away, now.'

Idiot: 'Woo hoo woo hoooo. This go away thing don't know that, I'm away to hide, Whats with all the phones.'
'Well try and make a better attempt at hiding other than lying in the middle of the flipping hallway.'
I'm talking to the Idiot again gotto stop this
Eventually get to a phone that has rung again, it's dear old Dad.
Not how's your head, are you alright.
Dad:'How's the dog, she ok?'
Father: 'Don't talk to me like that, I was only asking, why don't you pick up the phone, I leave it ringing for seconds sometimes.'
Idiot: 'La la la I'm not here, you're shouting, I'm off. Hang on, I've got to bark at the open door woo hoo woo hoo woooooo.'
Another normal morning.

18th Dec 2006, 10:02
she sounds like a proper little attention seeker!
How is the dog by the way?;)

18th Dec 2006, 13:49
Monday's are my normal day off.
So I'm sitting trying to do some writing.
Woo hooo arrrrm (stretch routine) woo hoo.
Idiot: 'I am trying to talk to you woo do you not get it, woo hoo, woo.'
'What could you possibly want, what.'
It's feed, it's watered and I'm asking the Idiot questions.
Let Idiot out 'Don't run away, like what you're doing now, no really please don't.'
Idiot: 'Woo hoo wo, you want to play, next door.'
Gone. At light speed.
There are pheasants everywhere rising into the trees.
Right, where's the Idiot gone. I've done this before, I'm good at it. Well sort off.
Actually walk down the lane to look for an Idiot.
Idiot come's hurtling over a wall and heads at really quite remarkable speed towards the house. 'Woo hoo I'm having a lot of fun woo hoo, this is great.'
Idiot is actually waiting for me at the back of the house, headbutting the kitchen door.
The patio doors are open, swinging in the breeze, maybe 15 feet away.
'You are at the wrong door, that door, that door, that one's locked.'
I'm talking to the dog again, better stop, I'll get sectioned
Idiot: 'But this is my door, this is where I live.'
Idiot: 'You know you can be pretty mean to me. Are you going to beat me now, I'm off.'
'Well once I find a stick or something, there's a fair to middling chance. Don't run away, don't run away.'
Well at least the patio won't run away because that's the only thing heard me.

Howard Hughes
18th Dec 2006, 20:44
Don't you just hate when youv'e been chasing them around for 15 minutes saying bad dog, bad dog, they give you the 'lets do that again stare' with tail wagging....:ok:

19th Dec 2006, 12:29
Cold weather
It's the same old routine.
Right dog out, but said with a resinged voice.
Idiot: 'What's all this white stuff, the grass is funny.'
'That my canine Idiot friend is a heavy frost.'
Idiot: 'It's cold, you're mean to me. Suppose it's better than a stick. But I don't like it.'
'Please, please, please just go to the loo.'
Idiot goes to have a wee,looks up at me:'My bums's cold, I don't like this I'd better give a few woos here as a token of my torture.'
woo hoo woo hoo woo hoo
'Shush, be quiet, shush.' (it's only 7am don't want to annoy anybody)
Idiot then goes for a drink in her outside water dish.
Watching an Idiot with the IQ of a lego brick trying to drink frozen water has to be seen.
what if it's tongue get's stuck to the metal bowl how am I going to explain that. Visions of driving an Idiot to the vet with a metal bowl hanging out of it's mouth
Idiot: 'Why is this water not working, I don't understand.'
Idiot has by this time chased the frozen water bowl all over the patio.
'Stoppit, stoppit. In, in, I'll get you water.'
Idiot: 'There's something wrong with this dish. woo hoo woo hoo woo.'
My tea's gone cold by now, I'm cold, Idiot's water is definately cold and I'm standing in my socks.

19th Dec 2006, 13:08
[QUOTE=Foss;3027493Idiot: 'Why is this water not working, I don't understand.'

This is absolutely perfect for describing how we think a dog's brain works! :ok:

You are a good writer and really should seek a publisher for these. Kind of the anti-Herriott........

19th Dec 2006, 13:51

Check your pm's


19th Dec 2006, 16:12
Fos,after a bad day, youve had me in hysterics and cheered me up no end again.Thank You!Picturing the idiot in the car going to the vet with a bowl stuck to her tongue really had me laughing LOL

22nd Dec 2006, 10:00
An Idiot's dress sense
Haven't done one for a while so here goes.
I went up to visit the folks, and brought Idiot.
Mother: 'Hello my girl, aren't you good, aren't you good.'
Idiot: 'Woo hoo woo Brilliant someone who loves me.'
Idiot looks at me: 'See this is how to get stroked, not shouted at.'
Mother says she has a treat for the Idiot.
Fine, great, ok.
I go off into another room for about 5 minutes, the go back to the kitchen.
Idiot looks like it's about to be executed. It's standing stock still, staring at the floor in front of it, head down.
It's wearing a luminous new red dog coat, which has been tied with a big bow.
Idiot: 'I hate you, you left me here, what is this thing, I don't like it.'
'Mother, the Idiot has fur you know, it doesn't need any more coats.'
Mother: 'But it has thin skin.'
Thin skin? What? let it go.
So father announces he'll the Idiot for a walk in it's Christmas coat, fine.
Idiot: 'You are so mean to me, look at this thing.'
Usual messing of getting coats and stuff.
Idiot:'Look I don't want to go out looking like this, what if someone sees me.'
Well, it's got a point.
Mother has attached a Christmas decoration, a plastic bell to the bow in the middle of Idiots back.
'Mother, what about antlers, and you just pretend it's a bloody reindeer.'
So, Idiot, is in a red coat, has been decorated, it's like a four legged Santa.
I decide to stay in because I don't want to be seen with it.
Idiot: 'Traitor, people are going to laugh.'
'Yeah, like me, you look stupid.'

Howard Hughes
22nd Dec 2006, 10:07
That has to bet the best episode yet, the wife and I were both laughing very loudly...:ok:

Merry Christmas.http://www.augk18.dsl.pipex.com/Smileys/christmascancan.gif

22nd Dec 2006, 10:10
Fantastic!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D although i do feel sorry for the idiot though.

Standard Noise
22nd Dec 2006, 10:45
Sounds like the idiot is in need of one of those 'happy pet vouchers'.

22nd Dec 2006, 12:08
Come Christmas Day, you might discover your Mother has bought something matching for YOU!

(hope I haven't spoiled a surprise)

22nd Dec 2006, 12:22
I sincerly hope not.
I'll maybe wrap up the Idiot and leave it under their tree.
Idiot, with much rustling: 'Woo? woo hoo? Why are you doing this to me. Paper I like paper, give me a bit to chew, go on.'
It would take a lot of sellotape though.
Fos generous and thoughtful present giver

22nd Dec 2006, 17:10
you'd be buggered if she went off after a pheasant whilst trying to wrap her up :E

22nd Dec 2006, 17:47
Ah sure, I would take preventitve measures first, like pre-cellotape her legs first. Before wrapping. Might use a chain or something as well. Or glue Idiot to the floor or something
Just had another visitor 'Hello dog, hello, how are you, aren't you good.'
Idiot to the guest: 'Got Fos again, (ha) look into my eyes, look into my eyes, I am a lovely Idiot with lovely brown eyes. Go on give me a stroke. Woo hoo, woo, see I'm cute.'
After the guest leaves, 'Right, Idiot, loo, loo' with all the chances of disaster.

Idiot: 'Right, I'm off then.'
Idiot just disappears into the night really quite quickly.
'Fr***ing Idiot's pished away of somewhere, my darling. I have to get it.'
Darling: 'Well put a coat on it's really cold.'
'My sweetness, I am only this second returning from the outdoors, I know it's cold.'
Get a coat and a torch, and head of out myself. Talking to myself again.
Find a dog, no that's a bush. Damn. Hear the faint tinkle of Idiot collar. It's about 200 miles away.
Idiot hurtles past and bashes into the front door. Which is locked.
Another simple trip to the loo.

22nd Dec 2006, 20:52
Fos,i hope you are keeping copies of all these stories to get them published

22nd Dec 2006, 21:42
Keeping most of them, with some help from other pruners. (Thankyou)

Only two minutes ago I finished a very nice and very unhealthy fried potato bread with poached eggs (my salute to health) dinner. And watched the Blues Brothers on TV.
I'm on my own in the house so this food is guarded like gold. In the oven, all doors closed. Ha, intellect rules, see you can't beat me.
Eat the food, watch the movie, fine brilliant.
So you go and do that boring domestic dishwasher stuff, quickly during the ads.
Idiot appears: 'Hello, woo, woo hoo hoo. Can you get me some more fruit pastilles. I've finished these ones.'
Oh no. check, there's tinfoil and chewed fruit pastilles everywhere in the other room. I'd left them in an Idiot free fire zone, the hallway by the phone.
'Oh Jesus, look at the state of that, thief, thief, bad dog.'
Idiot: 'You're going to beat me now aren't you.'
'Well once Blues Brothers is finished, or maybe during another ad break, bad dog.'
'See, see, constant chewing, you can't eat those, they stick to your teeth you moron.'
Standing in a darkened hall, with a dirty dinner plate, still trying to listen to the Blues Brothers in another room, and I'm talking calmly to the the dog about what it has done wrong. Which is of course pointless.
There's only mental health problems on the horizon, for me.
Then the phone rings and it's Darling beloved: 'How are you.'
'I AM TRYING TO WATCH THE BLUES BROTHERS, I'll talk to you later.'
You can sound very angry sometimes
and I made a complete b0llix of the poached eggs, which was really just a primer

22nd Dec 2006, 22:04
is that the potato bread you can also put in the toaster or am i thinking of something else?i know you can get them in Somerfield.they also sell fruit pastilles and sardines.:ok:

22nd Dec 2006, 22:23
Yes, can put potato bread in the toaster, but everyone fries it. I may as well as put the poached eggs in the toaster the way they turned out.
Ad break after the big car chase.

Idiot check.
Idiot: 'I am invisible, it is dark in here. But I will compromise my covert status, by standing up and coming and staring at you, if you take me out. Oh, already stood up, didn't mean that. Oops. Ah, right, pretend you didn't see me alright.'
No problem. Go and make a cup of tea.

22nd Dec 2006, 22:50
many moons ago...wen i was a yoof...i did cheese on toast.in the toaster.

22nd Dec 2006, 23:07

It looks like you've got a one-person fan club.

Or a stalker...


P.S. Love the stories! Keep 'em coming!

22nd Dec 2006, 23:35
Foss, I'm suing you for facial cramps.

23rd Dec 2006, 01:35
I hate paper, honestly I really do
Last one for tonight.
Idiot hates paper, well known in my house. Idiot must have been beaten with a paper pre-rescue.
So more guests, and they unravel a large draft excluder snake thing. For a start, what a present, it wasn't my gift by the way, it was from one of their other friends.
It's a thing about five foot long, about four inches thick. The draft excluder, the Idiot is thick on it's own.
For non Brits, this is a big long sausage of a pillow like thing, and you put it at the bottom of a door to stop drafts. Because we're all poor and keep chickens in the house.
'Look mate, the Idiot hates paper, unwrap that at home.'
Mate: 'Don't be daft.' He starts unwrapping.
Idiot wakes up from beside the fire: 'Look what ever it was I didn't do it. Don't hit me with that wrapping paper.'
Ahh great. Moron mate then starts shaking the paper on purpose.
Idiot: 'Woo hoo, oh sod the woo woo hoo bit. Right I'm off, goodnight.' At speed.
'You are a complete moron. Do you know that.' To mate.
Got her, Idiot, eventually from under a bed.

one dot right
23rd Dec 2006, 06:55
I tend not to be mates with people like that, poor idiot!

25th Dec 2006, 19:57
A dogs dinner, well Christmas dinner
Right, here we go.
It's Christmas morning, ah, so seasonal and festive. I've got an invite for drinks at a friend's house up the lane. 'Bring the dog, she'd love it.'
'Er, right, ok. (oh no this is going to go badly).'
These people are the dog sitters if I'm not there, well they know the deal.
Get more smartly dressed than boxers, put the Idiot on the lead-that-doesn't work and head of. Maybe a 300 yard walk.
Idiot: 'We're going for a walk, and I'm not wearing that coat, I'm for that.'
Woo hoo woo hoo
'No, it's meant to be ho ho ho, not woo hoo hoo.'
talking to Idiot again
So we get to the house. There are quite a lot of people there, 'oh isn't that a nice dog' 'hello there who are are you' all that.
Idiot: 'These people are giving me canapes, you just give me sardines, I hate you. woo.'
The host then goes into the kitchen to get some more wine and lets out his dog, a small collie type thing which goes beserk. It makes a more a ra rah ra rah rah sound as it does circuits of the living room on the top of sofas. Idiot wants to join in woo hoo woo hoo. People are clutching wine glasses as these two race around.
Idiot: 'This is brilliant, tons of people and nice food.'
'Ah, listen, I think it would be better if I just take the Idiot home, I'll be back in a minute.'
The collie thing is eating out of all the nibbles trays, so I get to laugh inwardly.
Later, after lunch, I start to clear up and put scraps in the dog's basin.
Turkey. life expectincy - one second.
Ham. life expectincy - two seconds, after a sniff
Sausages - life expectincy. three seconds,because Idiots been eating turkey and ham.
But the best is Idiot wouldn't eat Brussel sprouts. They were left, along with the horrible veggie mash.
'Dog, you're not that bl00dy stupid, I'm not fond of them'
Idiot: 'I thank you very much for that, I often feel undervalued.'
Later. 'My darling, the Idiot appears to have eaten the sprouts, bizzare.'
Darling dearest: 'It didn't eat them, it hid them behind it's bed, I've just thrown them in the bin.'
Beaten again.

31st Dec 2006, 12:00
Ice skating idiot
I'm a good boy, I did as I was told and waxed the hall floor, it's all nice and, well, er waxy and shiny.
Right it's done, that's my chore's for New Year's Eve. Excellent I can watch TV now.

Woo hoo woohoo Idiot:'There's someone coming to the door, quick, quick.'
Doorbell goes. 'Once again my canine companion, you have proved you have acute hearing, now SHUT UP.'

Open the door to let in the visitors.
Idiot: 'People, people, there's people coming, maybe they have a biscuit.'
pada pada pada from the living room, tika tika tika on the wooden floor.
This is full speed, which is quite quick.

So I'm standing at the open door with the door handle still in my hand, guests still on the doorstep and there's a shussssssh BANG noise.
Idiot has skidded the whole length of the hall and bashed into a bookcase right behind me.
Idiot: 'What's going on, this is slidy. I hate you.'

Just say to the guests who are looking somewhat bemused, and still on the doorstep 'You'd better come in.'
Idiot is staring at the bookcase as if it's to blame.
Guest: 'That dog's a bit daft isn't it.'
'Yip. Let me take your coat.'

31st Dec 2006, 12:30
absolutely priceless.you need a videocamera Foss.happy new year to you,DB and the Idiot

Standard Noise
31st Dec 2006, 13:14
Yeah Foss, rig up so a few webcams so we can watch Idiot, might be worth paying for.:}

31st Dec 2006, 17:06
My son's cat was with us for some time and had the habit, after eating its food, of accelerating at full chat out of the kitchen, hurtling through the dining room and into the hall. Halfway down the hall it would do a quick 180 and disappear upstairs at the speed of heat.

Then we replaced the carpet in the hall with laminate flooring.:E

A couple of days later I was sitting in the lounge and heard a scrabbling noise from the hall. Looking out of the door, I saw the cat shoot past, running at full chat but going backwards equally fast. Shortly afterwards, the scrabbling stopped, there was a soft thud as the cat hit the front door, and the scrabbling started again as the cat accelerated back down the hall and disappeared upstairs. When I recovered my composure (a full five minutes later), I went into the hall and saw the cat sitting at the top of the stairs, tail like a bog brush, with a "what the f**k happened there" look on its face. I don't thing it appreciated the hysterical laughter either (cats do not like being laughed at).

To give it credit it soon got the idea of changing direction on slippery surfaces and we had to find amusement elsewhere.:}


1st Jan 2007, 10:32
But dogs never figure out laminate! Hours of quality entertainment.

We have a black collie x something and he is like bambi on ice every day. Shame really that we are taking the laminate up.

1st Jan 2007, 12:00
New Year's Day Idiot style
Idiot:'You were mean to me last night.'
'My canine but mentally challenged companion, tell me how.'
Idiot: 'You took me out to the loo in a gale, at 2.00am. I hate you. And all those people kept rubbing me, I don't like like it.'
'There's no bloody pleasing you is there. Stop looking at me like that.'
Idiot: 'And you stood on me, again. I don't like that either.'
I stood on the Idiot's paw taking her out the back steps at 2.00am. Idiot yelped, I tripped and nearly broke my arm going down the steps on my side.
'Bad dog, bad dog, ow, ow, my wrist.'
Idiot: 'Don't call me a bad dog, you stood on me, I hate you. woo ho woo'
This morning woo hoo woo hoo wooooo hoo. BUMP on the bedroom door.
Idiot:'Look I can roll on my back and bark at a settee woo hoo, I haven't forgotten last night you know. Any chance of a biscuit?'
'Stop barking for all that's Holy, I've got a headache.'

Fos With a tiny hangover

1st Jan 2007, 14:47
I have an idea of how you feel - in the morning, I get a cheery "Hello ratface!" when I stumble in to the living room.

Last thing, when I put him back in his cage, I get, "Goodnight, you daft sod".

DX Wombat
1st Jan 2007, 16:09
.... when I put him back in his cage,.....:eek: :eek: :eek: Is this your husband / boyfriend / partner that you are returning to a cage? :uhoh: :{ :{

1st Jan 2007, 16:39
Methinks it's his 'pretty boy' . . .

1st Jan 2007, 17:39
Being a grown up
I will be a grown up and get the shopping in the village, and not go to the pub.
Fine. Get stuff. Go home.
Walking up the gravel drive, which makes a crunchy noise, there's a huge amount of woo hoo woo hooing. Idiot head is bobbing up and between windows in the living room.
Idiot: 'Where have have you been, it's been like fifteen minutes, why did you leave, I hate you. Have you a biscuit.' Woo hoo woo hoo

Idiot can only look out properly if it's standing on a sofa.
I'm in the driveway shouting at the house. People are probably looking.
Look at that strange man, he's shouting at his house.

Get inside and the Idiot is indeed on the very exspensive leather sofa.
'Right bed, B E D, bed.'
Idiot: 'No point spelling it, I can't read.'

2nd Jan 2007, 13:08
There's a moose in the hoose
Think Scottish accent, there's a mouse in the house. Right ok, we'll go one.
There's a small black dot races across the TV floor.
'Dog, dog, mouse, mouse quick.'
Idiot: ' Whoo? whoo hoo?'
It's ran over Idiot's paws, and as a trained killer it it has simply watched it.
Mouse vanished.
Mission failed.

2nd Jan 2007, 20:19
You should probably think yourself lucky there wasn't the canine equivalent of a girly scream and something hot and heavy scrabbling to stand on your head.

2nd Jan 2007, 21:17
Ah well, the Idiot couldn't catch a cold.
My beloved father comes round with mousetraps, like where do you get them on a Tuesday evening.
Whoo hoo whoo hoo Idiot: 'There's cheese, brilliant.'
'Oh shit, no stop, heel, heel.' Yeah right.
Idiot: ' I hate you, that thing just tried to bite me. I'm off to hide.'

It was a locally made cheese with black peppercorns. How many mice eat bloody bloody homemade cheese with black peppercorns.

Idiot: 'Look, this really hurts.'
'Well don't put your nose in a mousetrap, greedy theif, that was for the mouse.'
'My darling.. our beloved dog has got caught in a mouse trap.'
Idiot: ' Please take this off my nose, it really hurts.'
Hunting dog my arse.

2nd Jan 2007, 21:27
That's almost an old wives tale. While mice do eat cheese it's a long way off their favourite.

Grain, biscuit, or pastry are more attractive to them.

3rd Jan 2007, 00:29
Also, try peanut paste or salami. They work well.

Also, have been reading Dogs Life 7 and was wondering how was the MRI? I hope it is/was all clear for you.

3rd Jan 2007, 09:24
I believe chocolate works very well in mousetraps too.

3rd Jan 2007, 09:41
Aye, I'm fine, MRI scan was fine, a severe 'dunt' apparently, concussion and all that. Didn't really like it too much though, only ever had my knee done before, not my head, and it is quite snug. If I'd sneezed I would have headbutted the inside of a giant plastic toilet roll tube.

As for the cheese, I know, the mouses don't eat it. But I left my beloved father unsupervised for a few minutes and he did it all himself. He also had that glue stuff you put on boards to glue them to death.
Can you picture a lurcher with a large piece of cardboard glued to it's head.
'No Dad, no glue, no glue, don't put glue down, the dog will eat it, or try to.'

Idiot:'Glue? Is that loo, are we going out? woo hoo hoo woo hoo.'
Oh brilliant.

4th Jan 2007, 04:29
We had a mouse that moved into the bedroom. You know me, I'm a live and let live sort of chap and I didn't mind, but it disturbed Mrs B's sleep.

She couldn't sleep knowing there was a mouse in the room. :}

Youngest daughter had a pet mouse at the time (a cute little white one, not the 'orrible brown feral type that craps in your cupboards) and she'd taught the cats that sniffing at mice can cause painful ears. They're a bit more intelligent than dogs are cats, so they couldn't be persuaded to catch the feral mouse.

Mrs B knew what to do. She put a glue pad down behind the dressing table and another behind the wardrobe. She managed to catch one on each glue pad.

Don't bald cats look ridiculous?

Lon More
4th Jan 2007, 05:03
I get lots of mice in the house during the winter, seem to be a lot more than usual - must be global warming disturbing their hibernation. Cats have all passed away so I'm back to traps. I actually started feeling sorry for them after one was caught and left a leg in the trap so started putting down "humane"traps that catch them but don't kill them. It seemed strange that so many mice were short of a left front leg, however eventually the penny dropped. Just to confirm things I sprayed a red racing stripe down the captive's back before putting it out the door.
Next day Ferrarri mouse was back in the trap. Decision was immediately made to go back to spring traps. I've only seen Mr. ferrarri once since then.

4th Jan 2007, 05:06
I've only seen Mr. ferrarri once since then.

crack me up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D :D :D

Gaz ED
4th Jan 2007, 10:05
The mice in work, when they managed to get in the biscuit drawer, until additional defences were constructed, always went for Twixes or bourbons......out of a choice of perhaps 20 biscuit variants.

Eeeking swines.

4th Jan 2007, 12:58
It's 7.00am, and it's hunter killer mission
Idiot:'Woo hoo hoo woo hoo wooh.'
And quite a few more woo's.
'What have you done now, oh for God's sake.'
Idiot:'I have found that black dot thing.'
'What are you barking at, it's 7.00 am, stoppit, and how did you get out anyway.'
Idiot:'The black dot, the black dot, look look, I got it.'
'Yeah, right, the mousetrap got it, it's still in the trap. You're just looking at it. God Almighty you're stupid.'
Idiot: 'You're so mean to me, I'm a lean mean mouse hunting machine. woo hoo woo.'
'Nope, the mouse ran into a mousetrap, now be quiet. It ran over your f***ing paws last night, shush, be quiet.'
Darling Beloved: 'What's all the barking about, what's that EEEEK, what is that'
'My darling, that is a dead mouse. It is the size of a marble. It cannot harm you.'
DB: 'Well get rid of it, and don't let the dog get it.'
'My sweetness, that is exactly what I was doing, but I can only thank you for the advice.'
Idiot is meanwhile licking the cheese in a second trap in the same room.
I don't care. If the trap goes of, it goes of. Then I went out to get the paper.
Haven't even had a cup of tea yet.
Fos mouse murderer

4th Jan 2007, 22:29
Making bacon
Idiot: 'Woo hoo woo hoo woo' and all that.
Idiot is going mental, but why, go and get a pipe and do a Sherlock Holmes.
'But why Watson (Darling darest doing a stand in), why is the Idiot going mental.'

Darling beloved: 'Do you know the dog's barking, it's running in circles in the living room.'
'My sweetness, I am aware of the barking dog running in circles, it has hurtled past me twice.'
Idiot: 'Woo hoo woo hoo, look what I've got, look, look.'

About three pieces of fried bacon, that's what it bloody had.
'How did it get that, did it bloody fry it itself.'
Idiot:'You're going to beat me now, I'm off. woo hooo, woo?'

The bacon was for a salad, and was on a small plate on the counter.
Fos baconless

4th Jan 2007, 23:53
No Mice in my house.
Since I've attacked the central heating upgrade its warmer outside... :sad:

Roll on Global Warming... might get me off the hook.

8th Jan 2007, 19:31
Morning routine - adapted

I've got a cold, man flu is the phrase used now I believe.
Feel like crap.
Go to the kitchen and turn on the kettle.
Right, here we go. Open the door for the Idiot place.
Idiot: 'And good morning to you. Oh yes, you, oh that reminds me.'
woo hoo woo hoo woo hoo woo hoo
Idiot:'Isn't it great to be awake, woo hoo woo hoo, look how fast I can run. Oh yeah, don't look in my bed.'

Oh God, Idiot has gotten a plastic thing of pasta sauce, which is now spread in an even, and quite professional manner round Idiot bed, and the washing machine.

Go and have have a better look at Idiot, and is indeed finely basted in pasta sauce.
'Listen, if you get on the sofa, I will shoot you myself. Garden, garden, loo.'
Idiot: 'But it's raining.'
'Well that will save me having to GIVE YOU A BLOODY SHOWER, out out, out now.'
Idiot: 'You're so mean to me.'
'LIsten dog, you do not know the scale of meaness if DB catches you covered in pasta sauce. I'll end up in a shallow grave with you next to me, and the idea of spending eternity lying next to a pasta sauce covered Idiot isn't that appealing. So GO INTO THE BLOODY GARDEN, OUT OUT, NOW.'
Later... DB: 'Why does the dog smell of garlic.'
'No idea, dunno. It doesn't smell of garlic, don't be daft.''
Fos lying sod

9th Jan 2007, 05:09
"Knickers make for a dog's dinner

Arnie has helped himself to several items of clothing in the past
A cocker spaniel ended up needing a trip to the vet after helping himself to a dog's dinner consisting of his owner's knickers.
Miriam Walters, from Sussex, was told that her beloved Arnie was lucky not to have suffered serious damage after he swallowed her thong and other clothing.

Mrs Walters admitted to feeling "incredibly embarrassed" when surgery revealed the contents of his stomach.

She said Arnie had also tucked into socks and boxer shorts in the past.

She noticed her knickers were missing when she went to put her clothing in the laundry basket.

Veterinary surgeon Greg Clark said Arnie's intestines were becoming blocked.

"If it had been two or three days down the line, it would have been a very different situation," he said.

"He could have been very ill and the surgery could have been quite difficult to do."


There are stupider dogs than Idiot.

Recommend child-proof locks for your cupboard doors Foss.

9th Jan 2007, 08:53
Just nail them shut, and live of crisps. Or move house and don't tell Idiot my new address.
'I am just going to get the paper. I shall be back shortly.'
Then drive away to a new, stable home.

Ended up having to wash Idiot after all. It now smells of Adidas shower gel.

9th Jan 2007, 09:14
Once shared a dog - mongrel- who was the nicest natured dog I've ever met.
Would take him out for a car ride and he would sit on the back seat looking intently at the scenery. If one said to him "Want to go to the dike?" it would set off the Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo...ad infinitum. It could only be stopped by getting there. It was his favorite place.

10th Jan 2007, 03:15
I consulted our little girl about the moose in the hoose and she said that any self-respecting wolfhound would not even sniff at such a small critter. Though she might be bribed with a bowl of the finest Irish ...

12th Jan 2007, 13:20
a bowl of the finest irish whiskey/whisky?

Cookie monster
I'm sitting in my armchair watching a late night move. DB's away, the Idiot's been to the loo and put to bed, I'm having chocolate chip cookies and milk. All is right in the world.

'wooooooooooooo, woo ho hheer woo woo'
This is heard through a wall. The Idiot is obviously in some distress. Even I'm quite alarmed because it is quite loud.
So, I go to the utility room, where Idiot lives, and open the door.
Idiot is waiting.
Idiot: 'The washing machine is doing a spin cycle, why do you do these things to me, I hate that. Let me out. I hate you. woo.'
Idiot then does it's quivering ower jaw thing.

'Right come on, we can watch the movie together until that cycle finishes.'
Get the Idiot to lie down on the rug in the tv room. Go to see how long the spin cycle has to go, or if I can turn it off. Drama over. Back to the movie.

The Idiot is indeed on the floor watching the movie. With two cookies between it's paws.
Idiot, looking at me out of the corner of it's eye. :'You've caught me, I'm in trouble now aren't I.'
'I saved you from the spin cycle, and you repay me by eating the last two cookies in the house, I feel somewhat let down. THEIF, THEIF, BAD DOG.
I'm going to turn it the shopping channel as punishment.'

Idiot looks at me, looks at the cookies, looks at me, then eats the cookies.
I rule this house with a rod of iron.
Fos cookieless

12th Jan 2007, 17:34
That reminds me of when I was a child and we had two cats, one of whom liked to sit on the bean bag in the front room (this was the '70s). It was the cat's favourite spot in the whole house. It was also where I had to sit.

So, one day the cat is on the windowsill; my parents and I are sitting reading. The cat keeps looking over in my direction. Eventually she gets up and goes to the door which is closed. Cat knows very well that it is the child's duty to open doors for cats and sure enough, I get told to let the cat out.

She waits for me to reach the door, then Cat leaps into the bean bag with a very smug grin on her face.

12th Jan 2007, 19:29
I'm beginning to think our pooch is getting smarter (will soon overtake me).
It watched me walk past the grapes growing in our garden many times. Never went near them. Then I stopped to try one. Mmm, nice; just a few more days of ripening needed. Dog watched me. I came back ten minutes later and every single grape was gone, pooch had pulled each one off the stem and noshed the lot. All five bunches.

She's just done it again. She has recently taken to jumping over the lowest part of the garden boundary to go visiting and "talk" to a neighbour's rabbit in a cage :eek: (neighbours already not too friendly on that side of the plot).
Now, I'm not going to put up a taller fence as I know she'll still find a way out. So, I bought a long screw picket and 20ft long steel tether, made nicely, just for errant hound dogs like her. Fine, screw picket remained in lawn for a week and dog stayed put, seemed happy enough. However, after a while the picket has worked a little loose so I decide it's time to move it a couple of feet.

Job done, no problem, thought I and off I go. Unfortunately, I was stupid enough to have let her watch me unscrew it and screw it back in the lawn.

Ten minutes later, decided to check on dog..... What the? :uhoh:

Pooch has now learned that screw picket can be removed. So she did - had very rapidly dug all two feet of it out of the lawn and was grinning at me ouch:

We used to have a black and white dog - now she is a very muddy brown and looks like she is balancing a drying turd on her nose.

Anyone want a two foot long screw picket - only a week old and hardly used? :rolleyes: