View Full Version : B'lated Friday Joke Thread and Xmas Joke Thread

17th Dec 2006, 01:24
ho ho ho!

Getting Into Heaven

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."


Of course, we cannot herald the beginning of the festive season without the obligatory 'PC Seasons Greetings':

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer/winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).

Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

17th Dec 2006, 02:09
....................an article in Sydney's Daily Telegraph, on whether Australians should sing Waltzing Matilda at the rugby World Cup, said: "The Kiwis are probably just puzzled as to why you'd put a jumbuck in a tucker bag, when with a raised eyebrow and some sweet talk you could coax it into your sleeping bag".

But a Hobart academic, Margaret Lindley, said New Zealanders were the butt of trans-Tasman jokes partly because Australians still resented the fact that New Zealand turned down the chance to become an Australian state in January 1901.

"You could have joined us, and you didn't," said Dr Lindley, who lectures in culture and history at the University of Tasmania. Historians have argued over whether there was too little popular support in New Zealand for a trans-Tasman federation -- with New Zealand as the seventh state -- or whether the ambitious NZ Premier at the time, Richard "King Dick" Seddon, preferred a New Zealand empire in the Pacific, including Samoa and the Cook Islands.
(now lookit the joint)
"We invited you to join our Federation: you rejected our invitation, and that hurt our feelings.

"Under our rugged convict exteriors, we're sensitive: we don't like rejection, unless we're doing it.

"So, why we should give a rat's arse about a little bunch of sheep shaggers, I don't know. And don't tell me that only applies to men: Kiwi women would shag sheep if they could -- we've watched you play netball."

New Zealand could never redeem itself by being on the receiving end of thrashings, because Australia was supposed to thrash its neighbour, said Dr Lindley, whose talk was titled: Picking on New Zealand and Other Australian Pastimes.
©2003 AAP

Mirry Crussmis


17th Dec 2006, 02:53
This was sent to me by a Jewish friend, and since it's Hanukkah...;)

A Talmudic question for observant Jews:
Is it ok to take Viagra on Shabbat?

To Talmudic scholars...

Michael Bader, a well-respected San Francisco psychoanalist and a member of the Board of Trustees of Byet Tikkun Synagogue and a frequently-published scholar, has brought the following question to the Jewish community and hopes that its best Talmudic scholars might think more about it:

Is it ok to take Viagra on Shabbat?

There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take Viagra on Shabbat:

Beit Shammei forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violates the infraction of erecting a structure ("boneh"). Beit Hillel says do not read it as "boneh" but as "boner", and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundown so long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than one half hour, the kids are asleep and your wife doesn't have a headache.

And what broche does one say before taking the Viagra pill?

There is a choice of four blessings:

1...Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree;

2...Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - straightens those who are bent;

3...Ya'aleh v'yvao - arise and come;

4...Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - raise the dead.

Here's a little follow-up to the above...

Yes, the anti-impotence drug has been found to contain a tiny amount of animal matter, rendering it - one would think - treif. But Rabbi Blumenkrantz, an American Kashrut expert, says that as a medication that adds pleasure to Shabbat - not to mention the rest of the week - it is permissable. But it is banned during Pesach - along with all other agents causing things to rise.

17th Dec 2006, 03:02
Oy lookit your ad pigboat.

henry crun
17th Dec 2006, 06:59
Tin, It is a pleasing that the article in the SDT is published at the time when it is possible that more Arstralians will read it than usual, but I doubt they will notice the importance of message.

That message, of course, shows how astute Dick Seddon's decision was.
I shudder to think how narrowly we escaped from being another state of Arstralia, well done King Dick.

terrain safe
17th Dec 2006, 17:58
Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

17th Dec 2006, 21:12
Two little girls were taken to the ballet as a Christmas treat.

One remarked to the other that she thought the bulge in the man's tights was rather rude.

'Don't be silly', replied her friend, 'that's for the lady to stand on when he lifts her up'.

Lon More
17th Dec 2006, 21:22

17th Dec 2006, 22:40
This recipe for Christmas Cake has been around for a while so apologies if it has been posted before:

1 cup butter
1 cup dried fruit
lemon juice
1 bottle whisky
1 cup brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
4 large eggs
1 tsp salt

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one spoontea of baking soda and beat again. Make sure that the whisky is still OK. Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck to the beaters, prise it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky again to check tonsisticity.

Next sift two cups of salt, or something, who cares? Check the whisky again.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one bablespoon of brown sugar, or whatever colour you can find. Wix mell. Grease the oven and turn the cakepan to 350į.

Donít forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and bo to ged.

3 Holer
30th Mar 2007, 05:50
An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."