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frostbite
16th Dec 2006, 17:12
...but not by me! Hope there's some you haven't seen before.


A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

********

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

********

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries,the lad told police that he was
simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

********

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by
having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the
horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the
window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.
It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East,
and three wise men came. And I was just checking ...

********

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during
a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again.
This time it worked.

********

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine
and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

********

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb,
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.
"The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize
that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,
"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab.
I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

matelot
16th Dec 2006, 17:42
... Hope there's some you haven't seen before...

Yup. Live in hope. ;)

Lon More
16th Dec 2006, 18:17
Live in hope Howdy neighbour (http://www.hopetownship.com/)

ExSimGuy
17th Dec 2006, 09:49
I'd heard the one about the preggy girl,3 wise men and star before, but the others were new to me - good 'un :ok: