View Full Version : Student Deposits Semen in Cafeteria Condiment

Lon More
16th Dec 2006, 12:01
A student at Wheaton North High School has been accused of
depositing his bodily fluids into a container of ranch
dressing in the school cafeteria. When police investigated
they reported that he did in fact supply an extra ingredient
to the dressing- his own semen. School officials, parents,
and most of all students were disturbed, outraged, and
horribly revolted. The dressing was ingested by an unknown
number of students during the last lunch period on Wednesday
and all five lunch periods* on Thursday, before it was
discovered. Though rumors swirled around the school that it
had been going on for months, school officials have made
clear that this is an isolated incident and the police assure
that an attempted aggravated battery arrest is imminent.
Nevertheless, in order to reassure the public, the super-
intendent has made a statement of changed protocols of the
access to and type of containers used in the cafeteria

* five lunch periods; no wonder they are so fat :\

16th Dec 2006, 12:43
This has been done before in an office, ISTR, by way of coffee mugs. I mean, if you want to contaminate someone's food, what better way of providing a DNA sample (unless you heat it enough to denature it - which, in the case of a dressing, would not apply)? Viz has a running joke concerning a certain food critic and this topic.

all five lunch periods
* five lunch periods; no wonder they are so fat
Spare a thought for him - he must have been worn out.

One thing I cannot reconcile is the common misconception that only the cousins have fat people. I have yet to visit a prosperous country that doesn't boast a fair proportion of porkers, with the exception of Taiwan.


16th Dec 2006, 13:07
all five lunch periodsI hope they're also going to charge his female accomplice

:hmm: :yuk:


16th Dec 2006, 14:23
Serves em right for eating Ranch dressing in the 1st place. Whats wrong with HP sauce?

Anyone know how it was detected by the way - was he caught err red handed?

16th Dec 2006, 14:32
Adds new dimensions to a tossed salad . . .

16th Dec 2006, 14:33
Served with beef jerky?

16th Dec 2006, 14:43
Methinks the culprit was one Wayne Kerr . . .

16th Dec 2006, 15:06
One hopes he came without too much fuss once nicked...

16th Dec 2006, 17:05
He should be given "community service", namely force fed every lunchtime with ranch dressing tainted by everyone else's "body fluids", dirty little toerag. :yuk:

That's what is known as an appropriate "comeback" :E

16th Dec 2006, 20:56
....Dusts off old joke.....

Was it an oriental dish?

The Cream Of Some Young Guy?

16th Dec 2006, 21:09
When first became a magistrate I was told the golden rule of prison visits - if you don't see the tea being made, don't drink it.

16th Dec 2006, 21:19
Remember visiting a younger brother who was a student at Imperial on the night some engineers decided to make some money by cooking a stew and selling it to their fellow students. As Imperial students back in those days only ate beer they had a long queue of people eager to get some real food.

I had a look and instantly recognised the "meat" as penis, from the cross section naturally, which is quiet distinctive. So I decided not to partake, unfortunately I was in the minority. This was before Imperial absorbed a medical school and penile anatomy wasn't on the syllabus for mechanical engineers. Come to think of it, as 99% of the college were male the corresponding female anatomy wasn't either. But they did put out a good football team.

The story made the Sun and the students were fined 10 by the college for bringing the institution into disrepute. One suspects that was because it made the Sun, and not because of what they fed their fellow students.

16th Dec 2006, 21:30

Perhaps it just demonstrated the dickotomy between Engineering and Medicine?

Did the donor ever own up?

West Coast
16th Dec 2006, 23:23
I can hear that jingle in my head from McDonalds, "all beef patty, secret sauce.."

Suddenly I'm not hungry.

16th Dec 2006, 23:30
Secrete sauce?

16th Dec 2006, 23:43
Come again?

17th Dec 2006, 13:31
From my wife's between-jobs experience as a waitress in a mining town, I follow one golden rule. No matter how bad the meal is, don't send it back, ESPECIALLY if it has a white sauce. Complain loudly, demand a refund, storm out saying you'll never come back, accept a few beers as compensation, but DON'T send it back.

Hell hath no fury like a chef betrayed by his boyfriend.

17th Dec 2006, 14:49
Does anybody else find this whole story suspicious? A student practical joke. How does one catch the perpetrator in the act? I can't help feeling it is some sort of re-Christmas student jape.

17th Dec 2006, 16:09
As Stephen Fry related on TV last night, a colleague from 'fine stock' (Eton etc) was known as 'Heinz' due to having been surprised whilst in flagrante delicto with a quantity of baked beans when a fellow-scholar entered his rooms without knocking.