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beer bong
13th Dec 2006, 09:00
SEASONAL GREETING

from me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee")

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically
correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of
the summer solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable
traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular
practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all, and a financially
successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007,
but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures
or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical
ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual
orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that: -
* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal;
* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration
shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights
of the wishor are acknowledged;
* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually
implement any of the wishes;
* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions
and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishes in
certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the
wishor;
* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be
expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of
one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first;
* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited
replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wishor.

Any references in this greeting to "Father Christmas", "Santa Claus",
"our Lord", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive
figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply
any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all
proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are
hereby acknowledged.


:ugh:

scruggs
13th Dec 2006, 09:02
LOL Fantastic post! :)

Unwell_Raptor
13th Dec 2006, 09:08
By the way, your house may be at risk.

ORAC
13th Dec 2006, 09:14
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty
=====================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty
=====================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchanges are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
=====================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty
=====================================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All ******* Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The ******* Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
=====================================================

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

GANNET FAN
13th Dec 2006, 09:41
There just maybe somebody out there who hasn't seen this before!

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

14 December
My dearest darling John
Whoever in the world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a pear tree. How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way
My love always
Agnes

15 December
Dearest John
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine 2 turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love
Agnes

16 December
Dear John
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now i must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, 3 French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you have been too kind.
All my love
Agnes

17 December
Dear John
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic
Affectionately
Agnes

18 December
Dearest John
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings, one for each finger. You're just impossible but I love it. Frankly all those birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love
Agnes

19 December
Dear John
When I opened the door today there were actually 6 geese laying on my front steps. So you're back with the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially yours
John

20 December
John
What's with you and those ******* birds? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of a damn joke is this. There's bird poop all over the house and they stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with these freaking birds
Sincerely
Agnes

21 December
OK Buster
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes

22 December
Hey Sh*thead
what are you.... some kind of sadist. Now there's 9 pipers playing and Christ do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me
You'll get yours
Agnes

23 December
You rotten pr**k
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of sh*t. The commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you.
Agnes

24 December
Listen Fcukhead
What's with these eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and they've been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied you rotten vicious swine.
You're sworn enemy

25 December
Dear Sir.
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen to inflict on our client Miss Agnes Mc Holstein .
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention as our client is now in a secure institute.
Yours etc

XXTSGR
13th Dec 2006, 10:55
During WW2 the old man served on big ships on the North Atlantic convoys from Halifax, NS, to Iceland. They had the following little ditty:-On the first day out from Iceland, the ACIC* said to me,
“A Whitley up a gum tree”.

On the second day out from Iceland, the ACIC said to me,
“Two Blohm & Voss, and a Whitley up a gum tree”.

On the third day out from Iceland, the ACIC said to me,
“Three 88’s, two Blohm & Voss, and a Whitley up a gum tree”.

On the fourth day out from Iceland, the ACIC said to me,
“Four Fokker-Wulfs, three 88’s, two Blohm & Voss, and a Whitley up a gum tree”.

On the fifth day out from Iceland, the ACIC said to me,
“Five bloody great bombs!
Four Fokker-Wulfs, three 88’s, two Blohm & Voss, and a Whitley up a gum tree”.

On the sixth day out from Iceland, the ACIC said to me,
“Six Heinkels dropping five bloody great bombs!
Four Fokker-Wulfs, three 88’s, two Blohm & Voss, and a Whitley up a gum tree”.

On the seventh day out from Iceland, the ACIC said to me,
“Seven destroyers sinking, six Heinkels dropping five bloody great bombs!
Four Fokker-Wulfs, three 88’s, two Blohm & Voss, and a Whitley up a gum tree”.

On the eighth day out from Iceland, the ACIC said to me,
“Eight U-boats hunting, seven destroyers sinking, six Heinkels dropping five bloody great bombs!
Four Fokker-Wulfs, three 88’s, two Blohm & Voss, and a Whitley up a gum tree”.

On the ninth day out from Iceland, the ACIC said to me,
“Nine turrets jamming, eight U-boats hunting, seven destroyers sinking, six Heinkels dropping five bloody great bombs!
Four Fokker-Wulfs, three 88’s, two Blohm & Voss, and a Whitley up a gum tree”.

On the tenth day out from Iceland, the ACIC said to me,
“Ten Captains cursing, nine turrets jamming, eight U-boats hunting, seven destroyers sinking, six Heinkels dropping five bloody great bombs!
Four Fokker-Wulfs, three 88’s, two Blohm & Voss, and a Whitley up a gum tree”.

* ACIC = Admiral Commanding Iceland Convoy

woolyalan
13th Dec 2006, 10:56
Dear Mr Bong,

I feel compelled to tell you that I am offended by your wishes of:


the celebration of the summer solstice holiday


As for me it is not the summer solstice in my part of the world!

Angrily Yours

Wooly

:}

ps. couldnt help myself, sorry :} :} :}