View Full Version : It's a Dog's Life 7

10th Dec 2006, 19:19
Merrrrry Christmas
Darling beloved: 'Put the lights up, put the decorations up, get off your bum.'
Get up, and Idiot get's up, 'Woohoo wo o? oh. It's not a walk is it.'
'No go away somewhere.'
Get all the rubbish from the roofspace and start to put it all together.
Get the tree up, and start to put on tinsel. Idiot starts to quiver.
Idiot: 'What's that, I don't like it, it's glittery.'
'It's TINSEL, the same TINSEL we used last year. You've seen tinsel.'
Idiot hides.
Tree up, tinsel on, miles and miles of lights unravelled and layed out on the floor.
Idiot comes back in :'Im not to sure about that shiny stuff, I don't like it.'
Flick a switch.
Idiot is standing in the middle of an entire floor of different coloured blinking lights.
Idiot: 'You are so mean to me, I don't like this, what are all these lights, they were'nt there a minute ago. How do I get out of here, woo hoo, couple more woos. I'm off, you're mean.'
One minute later, a massive WOOOOOO.
Darling dearest: 'What have you done to the dog, it was hiding in the dark in the back corridor and I stood on it.'
'Well you stood on her, I'm only trying to get the Christmas lights working.'

10th Dec 2006, 19:45
that poor dog!still need a picture of her Fos!

put some tinsel round her collar and see how she gets on looking christmassy :E

10th Dec 2006, 20:00
Wait til she finds out you've booked her to pull the sleigh and wear horns at the school panto!

The Idiot, I mean.

10th Dec 2006, 20:27
More presents than me
Santa came early for Idiot. It got a new bed today. It's massive. Four feet by three feet. Idiot now has more beds than I do.
I'm having real trouble getting a photo on. I'm working on it.

10th Dec 2006, 23:07
This might work, it's not the the Idiot, but it's Idiot's evil twin from a lurcher website. Identical.
I can't get any pictures through the USB BOLL0X to get pics on the computer either from a camera or a camera phone.
Scripted website, what's that about. I'll keep trying.

10th Dec 2006, 23:48
That's a Pikey mutt :E

10th Dec 2006, 23:52
Foss, check your PM's.

11th Dec 2006, 00:15
I'm sure you actually meant traveller mutt. Or maybe you meant sight dog, not for the blind, but for quarry. Or speedy hound of death, dispatcher of postmen, guardian of the house, warmer of people's beds, thief of all sweets and biscuits, covert specialist, escapologist, locksmith, and a professional at being in a fake coma for insurance reasons.

It's easier to type Idiot than all that. ;)

11th Dec 2006, 01:21
Foss, I have tears running down my face here!

mini has a similar mutt. Allegedly a cross (!) between a Scottish Stag Hound and something else.

It fits all your descriptions except "guardian of the house" it likes nothing better than a stranger...

Die dog or sh*t yer license...

PS the Pi... oops, Travellers are regular callers, "will ya breed him sir"

11th Dec 2006, 08:49
When I was trawling through websites to get that link, one of them described typical lurcher character traits.
1. Explosive bursts of energy and speed. Yes, got that.
2. Instinct to hunt small furry animals. Well, cows, I suppose that's close.
3. Spends a lot of time resting. Yip, it's got beds everywhere.
4. Can be timid. Spot on, don't beat me and all that.

I think that guy's been in my house.

I had to get up a lot earlier this morning for work. Let Idiot out.
Idiot: 'It's morning? It can't be wake-up time yet.'
Slight pause.
Idiot: 'oh well, if you say so, woo hooh woo hoo woo hoo wooho.'
Idiot stops dead and stares out the window.
Idiot: 'It's dark. It's not wake up time, you're so cruel to me. Why have you put my collar on at night. I'm away to bed, I hate you.'

11th Dec 2006, 08:50
i want one!

14th Dec 2006, 17:45
One of the most common phrases out of my mouth.
'What are you eating.'
Do a quick check. Right it's hard plastic, what kind of plastic and where from.
'What are you eating, stop it, I don't want to go to the vet again, spit it out.'
Idiot: ' 'Woo? Me, I'm eating nothing, honest, I'll think I'll hide now. Woo hoo.'
'How have you moved that bed, it's massive.'
Idiot: ' You're going to beat me now, I hate you.'
Bed's all rolled up and moved across the room. And it's a big bed.
'My darling dearest, that delightful dog has eaten all the stars off the lower branches of the Christmas tree.'
If the stars had been turned on we would have been the proud owners of a slightly smouldering Idiot, with a frizzy affro.
Get the hoover out.

14th Dec 2006, 20:41
Good points
I've got a huge headache after the head thing, still. I was trying to read the Times today but not making much success to be honest, goes all blurred.
Idiot comes in and stares at me, then gets up on the sofa, which is completely forbidden, and lies on my lap, and looks up at me.
'Go on, give me a stroke for God's sake, what's wrong with you.'
Idiot is now sleeping on one of her many beds on my bedroom floor.
I am a complete soft touch.

Phone call from my Father this morning.
'How's the dog.'
'Fine, why where are you?'
'Why are you in Zurich, what for, hello hello.'
So, I slip further down the food chain, my father phones on his mobile (very expensive he says) and asks about the bloody dog first.

14th Dec 2006, 21:48
Any minute now, DB is going to ask you what you've got the dog for Christmas.

Idiot will probably get more cards and presents than you will.

14th Dec 2006, 22:39
A stick. a great big bloody stick, so I can hit it with it. That's what Idiots's gettinng for Christmas.
'You have to go to the loo, really, but please don't run away, it's raining.'
Idiot: 'Wooo, woo woo wo hoo. can I sleep in your room. Woo?'
So now, it's 23.00, and the only company I have is a wet Idiot with the IQ of a crap gun dog which makes harrumph noises when it lies down.

14th Dec 2006, 23:09
which makes harrumph noises when it lies down

Yep, thats the one. BTW, save yerself some vet bills, it will get squishey lumps on its "elbows" apparentely these are due to its habit of throwing itself down on hard floors and they come & go over time & can be ignored.

If its anything like mine, behind those staring eyes is a solid skull...

15th Dec 2006, 04:59
"Well, cows, I suppose that's close."

:} :} :}

15th Dec 2006, 08:25
I'm going to try an Elvis impersonation. Think Heartbreak Hotel.
When I woke up this morning,
What did I wake to see,
A stupid big stretch of dog,
And it was breathing on me,
I'm running a dog hotel, a dog hotel,
And if I get up I'll maybe cry.

Woke up. 'My darling how you've changed, you could do with a wax (keep that bit to myself), aren't you meant to be in Europe. Oh, hang on.
Idiot got into my bed at some point. I turned round and it was lying full stretch next to me, head on the pillow and everything.
'Off, off, out, get OUT.'
Idiot: 'Your instructions are not entirely clear, off and then out or out then **** off like you normally say. Woo? Anyway I can't hear you because I'm dead. Stop moving, you're annoying me.'
Bleary eyed Fos wandering around the house trying to make a cup of tea after moving one of Idiot's myriad beds into the living room and locking Idiot in.
PS : Mission, lock Idiot in living room, check email, go to work.
I've just been headbutted by an Idiot. Mission failed.

15th Dec 2006, 10:25
Fos,words cannot express the laughter

15th Dec 2006, 11:29
Aaagh, stop it, it hurts! I think I may have fractured a rib laughing, plus everyone is giving me strange looks in the crew room, i think they think I'm choking or something!

Fos, where should we send christmas cards for the Idiot? :}

Rather be Gardening
15th Dec 2006, 13:10
"I've got a huge headache after the head thing, still. I was trying to read the Times today but not making much success to be honest, goes all blurred."

Fos, I hate to be a nag but shouldn't you see a doctor about this? I'm sure DB will have made the same point, and I know you won't want it made in stereo, but we'd all rather you stayed well.



15th Dec 2006, 13:39
good point RBG,go to the doctors Fos...or the Vets,whichever you prefer

15th Dec 2006, 14:23
I did go to the doctor, apparently I'm going to have not one, but two scars. Both about 4cms long and half a cm apart. Yeah. Result. No stitches, it had already healed up, 'knitted', was the phrase used.
But he cut a small circle of hair around the wound. Cheers. Why dear God if it's 'knitted'.
'Is there someone in the house with you.'

Who's in the house, the 'Idiot'.
'Dog, remember Lassie, well I'm having a stroke, call for help, call for help, phone the ambulance, the a m bu l a n c e.'
Idiot: 'Woo hoo, er woo? I've no idea what you're saying. Can I have a biscuit. Why are you lying down.'
Fos I'm alright, I'm fine, thanks for asking though

15th Dec 2006, 14:44
now,its alright them saying your scars are ok,but what about the inside of your head?all that mush under your skull?!

15th Dec 2006, 16:45
I'd written a really nice piece there but the Idiot came jumping at great speed and everything was erased.
Right, I'm a grown adult. I want to buy the Times, some milk and some booze because a mate is coming round.
I can do this shopping thing, I've a degree.
'Woo hoo woo woo hoo where are you going, are we going for a walk?'
'No, I'm going to the shop, these are car keys.'
Then shake the car keys at her, 'see car keys, not door keys.'
Idiot: 'I hate you. You're so mean to me.'
I'm talking to the dog and showing car keys, not good
Come back and the throw thing from over the sofa (what is it girls and throw things) is living on the floor.
'Who did that, who, who did that, bad dog, bad dog.'
Idiot: 'I have never been in that room in my life, I have no idea what you're talking about. woo hoo? woo?' don't beat me, you're mean.'
Didn't even get the paper, sold out. Got the gin and cigars though yeah. But forgot the tonic.

DX Wombat
15th Dec 2006, 18:43
Fos, it is all very well saying that the doctor told you your scars are healing well but you sound as if you are still suffering from concussion at the very least. Please go back to your doctor and tell him about the headaches and blurred vision as these are most definitely NOT normal. :\

15th Dec 2006, 19:15
you sound as if you are still suffering from concussion at the very least.
I agree, but on the other hand, anyone that entertains a lurcher has to be dizzy and of dubious judgement. Most would run and hide at the prospect. Prolonged exposure to such animal behaviour would have sane folk screaming and tearing out their hair.

15th Dec 2006, 20:54
'Is there someone in the house with you.'
Who's in the house, the 'Idiot'.
'Dog, remember Lassie, well I'm having a stroke, call for help, call for help, phone the ambulance, the a m bu l a n c e.'
Idiot: 'Woo hoo, er woo? I've no idea what you're saying. Can I have a biscuit. Why are you lying down.'
Fos I'm alright, I'm fine, thanks for asking though

Foss the Idiot would call a vet, not an ambulance. ;)

15th Dec 2006, 21:50
It gets better. My best mate comes around to watch some dvd's.
'you've been hit on the head, you're acting funny.'

I've looked on him five or six times because I i I canan't remember who it is.
He's just come in o say say what are you doing because I was on th computer.

15th Dec 2006, 21:53
Concussion or too many G&T's?
To the doctors,my friend

15th Dec 2006, 22:42
Foss, you might want to have a look at this and consider going back to the Doc:


- Loss of consciousness after any trauma to the head
- Confusion
- Headache
- Nausea or vomiting
- Blurred vision
- Loss of short-term memory
- Perseverating (repeating the same thing over and over, despite being told the answer each time, for example, "Who are you?")

15th Dec 2006, 22:49
Foss, you might want to have a look at this and consider going back to the Doc:

- Perseverating (repeating the same thing over and over, despite being told the answer each time, for example, "Who are you?")

Thats normal behaviour!
"bad dog,bad dog,thief,youre a thief dog,bed,bed,now"

coat,hat,gloves,wellies (its raining) etc :ok:

15th Dec 2006, 22:53

It really sounds as though a trip to the medicine man is in order, with a frank discussion of the symptoms. Are specialists easy to visit? You have a large audience lurking which wants you to overcome those symptoms. Please.


15th Dec 2006, 22:58
get yourself down to a&e in the morning seeing as doctors dont do weekends.the sooner you go,the sooner they can sort you out.as Seacue said,we all want you to get over these symptoms.let us know how you get on.

DX Wombat
15th Dec 2006, 23:30
get yourself down to a&e in the morning seeing as doctors dont do weekends.the sooner you go,the sooner they can sort you out.as Seacue said,we all want you to get over these symptoms.let us know how you get on.
ABSOLUTELY! Fos, I'm a nurse and what you are saying alarms me. PLEASE do as we ask and get yourself seen as soon as possible.

Lon More
16th Dec 2006, 00:59
was wondering about Foss' health. The bad spelling etc. Not a medic but it doesn't look mormal mate. Put off treatment myself for something "minor" years back and am really paying for it now. Get down there ASAP

16th Dec 2006, 09:32
Bad spelling? Kick a man when he's down. Well that's happened already I suppose, used to it.

As for the Gnt's found the unopened bottle sitting on the work top this morning. Still in it's plastic bag.

But I still couldn't remeber my mates first name this morning.
I've known him since I was 11. He's called Chris, like for God's sake.

16th Dec 2006, 09:53
Then why the hell are you not going to the doc's?

16th Dec 2006, 09:59
It doesn't sound good m8.

You might as well give up now and go to A&E now DX wombat (granny) is on your case.

I managed to squash me finger and had to drop the pressure under my nail so did it myself with a hot paper clip end. It was weeks of nagging and checking to make sure my finger hadn't fallen off. You just lucky she hasn't got your mobile number.

I would get down there this morning. My ASM managed to tackle a rugby post by accident. We thought he was ok but over the space of a week with very similar problems as yours it came very apperent that he wasn't right (he stopped swearing and even let one of the girls drive the foden reccy wagon) . In the end the bosses wife turned up (must have been discussed at the wives club that morning) in her metro and took him to the MO who promptly called an ambulance. It was something leaking and he had a form of stroke.

DX Wombat
16th Dec 2006, 12:12
Foss, M-J is right. You have many of the symptoms of raised intra-cranial pressure. That is extemely serious. It is quite possible that blood has been leaking from a damaged vessel DO NOT wait until you have finished watching the football / rugby / whatever this afternoon go to A&E NOW! Presumably you wouldn't risk losing an eye (of which you have two) so why risk permanently damaging your single brain? I do not apologise for making this sound frightening as I am extremely worried about you and don't want to find that you have left things too late. Nobody is trying to kick you when you are down, we are all very concerned about you. If you want to send me a pm or email please do. M-J is also right about my nagging him :E He also knows me well enough to know that I do not make mountains out of molehills. If I am proved wrong about the cause of your symptoms then I shall be delighted but it just isn't worth taking the risk of not bothering to have them investigated properly. Please go now and let us know how you get on.

16th Dec 2006, 13:52
And for gawds sake please send someone a contact number. DX Wombat is very trust worthy.

I would hate for you just to drop off from posting and none of us know what happened to you.

16th Dec 2006, 13:57
Phoned the doctor up, he came out, look, some wee sh!te twatted me with something, I don't know, I think it was a bottle and I didn't want to drive into town.
This is a different doctor of course.
Doctor: 'No, you where hit with something bigger than that, that's a fair whack you've had. Right, we will get you fixed for an MRI. Next week.'
'Well cheers. Take you're time.'

'intracranial pressure' I'm glad I read about that. I looked it up and everything. Brilliant. But not in a good way.
I'm not being mean Wombat, thank you.

16th Dec 2006, 14:30
Congratulations, Fos!
Here's hoping that the MRI scan will confirm that no LASTING damage has been done.
Meanwhile I hope that the Police are progressing with their enquiries . . .

Folk (especially rich kids) ought not to be allowed to get away with such violence. EVER!

16th Dec 2006, 15:28
Fos,i think i speak on behalf of all of us when i say im relieved you did that,and that finally the inside is being looked at aswell as the outside.
thank you,and take care of yourself.

DX Wombat
16th Dec 2006, 16:27
Fos, ring me please - I know you have my number, M_J told me he had given it to you (he knows he has my permission to do so under such circumstances) and I know he has told you who I am (also OK with me). Getting you fixed up for an MRI scan "sometime next week" is far too vague and far too far away. I must say I am glad you decided to abandon your "man-problem attitude" and contacted a doctor and I don't for one minute think you are being mean but I am still seriously concerned. PLEASE RING ME ASAP! I will keep my mobile with me and switched on (apart from about 1.5 hrs tomorrow morning between 10:00 and 11:30) In the meantime PLEASE give someone a contact number so we can check if you do disappear without warning. M_J is perfectly trustworthy if you would prefer a man to have the number. He's also male so no problem trying to explain matters to Mrs F.

16th Dec 2006, 16:52
Sorry if this all sounds mellow dramatic.

Its just after seeing Gordie coming off second best to a post and watching 3 grandparents go through vascular dementia. All my warning bells are ringing.

Foss, DX's number is in your private messages. She really has been keeping young Doctors on thier toes for years in ICU's.

16th Dec 2006, 19:12
I would just like to thank Mad Jock and Wombat for getting in touch.
I appreciate it.
I hate MRI scans. They're crap. Stuff an Action man in a toilet roll tube and you get the idea. Oh, and start a large buzzy noise, it's a fantastic way to spend what seems like four days, but which is only about 20 minutes.

Cheers Jock, cheers Wombat. Owe you both a drink.
and that took me two goes to type, and what do I do, I'm a writer, and I'm a boss of other writers, bit of a problem

DX Wombat
16th Dec 2006, 19:15
I have spoken to Foss and he should, by now, be on his way to A&E by ambulance. :ok:

DX Wombat
16th Dec 2006, 19:18
Oh! just seen his post :{ :{ :{ Foss! PLEASE go to A&E NOW!

16th Dec 2006, 20:13
Whoever you are DX Wombat - many, many, thanks for your intrusion into Fos's delusions. I HOPE that Fos will wake up and smell the coffee. I further hope that he will continue to be able to smell the coffee for many decades to come (after all, what would we do without his stories about the Idiot).

Those in the UK may be aware of the 'Hamster' from BBC's Top Gear and his recent 'off-road' incident. In 1966 I experienced a similar head injury, and my subsequent reaction and recovery was mimicked almost exactly by those of the Hamster. I recall the events vividly to this day.

I mention this purely to highlight that head injuries are no laughing matter, but with the right treatment a full recovery can be achieved (though there are those that will claim otherwise ;-)

DO THE RIGHT THING, FOS for PPRuNe's sake (and for Idiot).

16th Dec 2006, 23:23
Aww this is crap. I can't even type properbly. Well sod it It leave it in
Let you look what it looks like.
It's very annoying.
Fos really really pissed od

16th Dec 2006, 23:27
BTW, from memory (what's THAT says Fos) the imbibement of alcohol when suffering from concussion is prohibited.

Lon More
17th Dec 2006, 01:23
FFS Foss, are you still here?

17th Dec 2006, 02:08
Hey Foss,

How about an Xmas DVD of you & the Idiot, get yer skates on or you'll miss the rush.

PS I told you they had a solid skull...

Hope you're OK.

17th Dec 2006, 09:36

If only there was a way of getting in touch with Dearest Beloved so we could get her to drag him to A&E :(