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mike4
7th Oct 2006, 13:43
Hi Guys
I picked up this brilliant book yesterday called utterly adorable cats it is so funny so i would like to share some of quotes from it with you as it is all about what a cat thinks and feels.

New Year Resolutions.

I promise,on cold wintery nights to make the right decision on wether or not to wake my human to let me out or just poo on the carpet.
I will try my hardest not to sick up a mouse head while my human is having dinner.
I will try not ignore my human quite so often.
I resolve not to pretend I dont like canned food when there is fresh salmon in the refridgerator.
I promise not to treat my human condescendingly - too often
I promise not to cause my human revulsion by eating spiders.
I resolve not to share my fleas.

Cat Calisthenics.

The best time to perform your work out is 3.am in the morning when the house is perfectly quite and your human is comfortably asleep in bed.
Warm up with a few stretches extending legs fully and retracting them slowly,pulling your claws across the sofa with a comforting rasping sound.
Practise the "Hunt Mouse" routine by chasing a small ball around the room- be careful to avoid falling vases as you charge frantically over tables and chairs.
Next,stretch each claw in turn as high up the wall as you can possibly reach,leave a mark on the wallpaper as a target to beat next time.
Finally,sprint at top speed into your humans bedrooom,leap onto his tummy,relax and drift off to sleep.

A Simple Request.

Let me in.
Let me out
Feed me
Talk to me
Play with me
Groom me
Leave me in peace
Adore me please.

Cat Nightmares.
Becoming a slave to man
Furballs.
Having to go "Walkies" on a lead
Mice seeking revenge
Baths
Having to be nice to dogs
Fleas the size of crows
Being stuck up a tree
Broken can openers.

House Rules For My Human.
Keep to yuor own very small part of the bed.
Keep my chair warm while I am out Playing.
Make sure my best loved "Tom and Jerry" is always on the television.
Do dot get irritated when I put my paw in your mouth to stop you snoring.
Be attentive to my every need 24 hours a day.
Accept my little present of dead mice gratefully.
Reward my kindness by buying me salmon regularly.
Never wake me except for dinner.
Avoid all movement in bed so as not to disturd me
Above all accept that there is only one boss in the house-ME.

What Are Little Kittens Made Of
30% Cuteness
29% Mischief
28% Purrs
10% Soft fur
3% Innocence.

VP8
7th Oct 2006, 14:16
(as posted by Slasher on 31 May 2000 09:12) :E


Extract from Porky's diary:
--------------------------
Dear Diary,
7am:
Iím awake and hungry. Me who was once a proud Cong cat reduced to beggar status under a Westerner. Miserable lowlife who owns me hasnít fed me since yesterday arvo, the bloody capitalist bastard.
8am:
His Bourjwah-ship awakes and decides to throw me last nights crappy noodles. He laces it with chook bones just to make sure I choke. I spit out the bones and search for his log book
9am:
I successfully chew up 3 pages of his book while heís in the shower. Heh heh heh! Hmmm...computer running. Sh!t if I could type Id tell everyone what an @rsehole he is.
10am:
Thrown out on my ear with his boot firmly up my butt. He sure doesnít like having his log book eaten!
11am:
The bugger goes of to work so its time to wander over farmer Nguyens place. I heard the sows are on heat!
12pm:
Man I love pigs!
1pm:
Lunchtime! The Trangs next door have a bunch of new born kittens! yum yum!
2pm:
"burp!" Siesta time.
3pm:
Wake up. Time to bully a few dogs.
4pm:
And another dog learns the hard way what it is to tangle with the Porker!
RIP.
5pm:
Iím horny again. back over to Nguyens!
6pm:
Sh1t huh the bastards home! So I crap on the hood of his Landrover.
7pm:
Iím hungry again! This time I hiss like hell and show this deadbeat I mean business! I pee on his nav bag and dare him to kick me!
7.01pm:
He kicks me.
7.15pm:
Heís made a peace offering in the form of bread with pork butts and gravy for dinner. My favorite! I canít decide if I should bonk the butts or just eat them.
8pm:
He sits down at the TV and scratches my ears to show heís not cranky. I donít like this.....
8.02pm:
I bloody knew it - he shoves me in the cage! Bastards taking me to the vet!
8.45pm:
Comrade vet shoves some horrible bloody things up my bum and I hiss and swear! A quick swipe of my claw draws blood from comrade nurses hand!
9:15pm:
Back home with a very very sore @rsehole.
10pm:
The stinking capitalist violently throws me out for the night. Well Iíve had enough of this sh!t!
"Hey @rsehole Iím a proud Nam cat! I deserve more bloody respect pal! My great-greats were kicking @rse all the way down the Trail in 75! Remember Nha Trang? Yeh bloody too right you do! You ponce in here and treat us Asian cats like you own the bloody place! Well it aint happening! You bloody hear me? Huh? Bloody hear me?
All the pr!ck can say is "You can mrow mrow mrow all you like but your staying OUT you little sh!t!"
10.30pm:
Iím still going like a steam train! "You bloody @rseholes invade the place and think you own us dont you! DONT YOU! Yeh well...."
10.31pm:
He saunters out and screams "what the f*ck is it going to take to shut you up?"
I yell "Nothing pal! Iím a proud Vietnamese cat! Long live the Cong, cat! Nothing will make me surrender my national pride! Youíll never own ME! Never!"
10.32pm:
He brings out another helping of pork butts and gravy. Ok so Iíve been bought off. I cant help it. Its a commie thing.
11pm:
Well a good day anyway. I got fed twice. I humped some new pigs. I killed a dog dead. I crapped on his car and ruined his log book!
Till tomorrow, nighty night diary.

mike4
7th Oct 2006, 16:22
VP8.
That was really funny.:D :D

Mike4

Jerricho
7th Oct 2006, 16:34
Only because I feel it's appropriate:

Dogs arenít clever
they eat their own dung.
They whine like babies,
and sweat through their tongue.
The big ones are stupid
the small are high strung
but cats are c**ts

You know..

Dogs are filthy
they get ticks and fleas.
They drag their asses
and give Lyme disease.
You have to train them,
pick up their crap on your knees
but cats are c**ts

1, 2, 3..

Cats are c**ts!
C**ts are cats!
Cats are c**ts!
C**ts are cats!
Itís easy to learn
so letís all say that.

Cats are c**ts!
C**ts are cats!
Cats are c**ts!
C**s are cats!
So spread the word
through your own habitat.

You know................

Dogs get rabies
they drool and they fart.
They drink from toilets,
theyíre not very smart.
They get worms
but their better than their counterpart
cause cats are c**ts

Why do you think they call it pussy?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
7th Oct 2006, 16:46
Yeah but you don't want any pussy if it's on an old dog

barit1
7th Oct 2006, 16:58
Kitty running up the water bill (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QYcQ464ZMQ)

DirtyPierre
7th Oct 2006, 22:40
Lots of my mates hate cats.

One mate had an interesting driving habit. He'd be driving a group of us somewhere (usually down the coast for a surf) when he'd see the body of a dead cat on the opposite side of the road. If there was no oncoming traffic he'd veer across the street, and run over the cat corpse.

He'd then turn to us and say "Just Checking".

He'd also have a saying if someone objected - "What's Newton's third law of cats? A flat cat gets flatter the more you run over it!"

Krystal n chips
8th Oct 2006, 08:30
Only because I feel it's appropriate:
Dogs aren’t clever
they eat their own dung.
They whine like babies,
and sweat through their tongue.
The big ones are stupid
the small are high strung
but cats are c**ts
You know..
Dogs are filthy
they get ticks and fleas.
They drag their asses
and give Lyme disease.
You have to train them,
pick up their crap on your knees
but cats are c**ts
1, 2, 3..
Cats are c**ts!
C**ts are cats!
Cats are c**ts!
C**ts are cats!
It’s easy to learn
so let’s all say that.
Cats are c**ts!
C**ts are cats!
Cats are c**ts!
C**s are cats!
So spread the word
through your own habitat.
You know................
Dogs get rabies
they drool and they fart.
They drink from toilets,
they’re not very smart.
They get worms
but their better than their counterpart
cause cats are c**ts
Why do you think they call it pussy?


Andrew Lloyd-Webber wishes to announce that Jerricho will not be assisting him with the score for his next musical production.

Further, UK authorities have stated his application to be the next Poet Laureate is, er, "under review". ;) :E

Squawk 2650
8th Oct 2006, 12:30
EXCERTS FROM A DOGS DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day number 183

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!




EXCERTS FROM A CATS DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal and some slops from a tin. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may vandalise another table leg.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo? What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call beer? More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies? Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured but I can wait, it is only a matter of time....

S
:cool: