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Lon More
5th Oct 2006, 21:51
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path.
Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to
take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God....!"

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out
of the sky saying:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said:
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am
truly thankful, Amen.

Ripline
5th Oct 2006, 22:49
Brilliant - just brilliant! :)

Ripline

scran
6th Oct 2006, 00:29
A small Viking fleet of three ships approaches the shore. The first boat glides silently onto the sand, bow on, oars erect. The men quickly disembark and line up on the beach.

Moments later, the second boat follows suit, silently gliding onto the sand, bow on, oars erect. Again, the men quickly disembark and line up on the beach.


The third boat slowly approaches the shore, almost broaches, sticking on the sand side on, the oars at all angles, men cursing. They slowly climb over the side, and wander up onto the beach, as the force commander for the first boat looks on impatiently.

When the third group of men are finally standing in somewhat straggly lines on the beach, the commander addresses the assembled men.

"Men - just over this line of dunes is another of the enemy towns. Let us swiftly attack as we have done so to many towns this past month."

"First ship!! - You are to plunder the town - take anything of value."

"Second ship!! - Raze the town - burn it to the ground!!"

The commander turns to the crew of the third ship. As he is about to speak, a voice from the rear rank is heard -

"Oh no......not rape AGAIN!!!!!!!!" :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

PLovett
6th Oct 2006, 00:49
There was a young blonde lady who was sick and tired of being treated as though she was a dumb blonde so she had her hair dyed brunette.

Things immediately improved. There were no more dumb blonde jokes, people would ask her opinion on weighty matters such as interest rates and world events. Life was good and there to be enjoyed.

Feeling good about the world and herself she went for a drive in the country and happened upon a quintessential scene of a drover moving a mob of sheep along a road.

She stopped her car to take in the beauty of the countryside and the iconic scene set out in front of her. Slowly the mob moved past and the drover rode up to her to pass the time of day as drovers are wont to do.

"G'day. Hows it going?" he said.

"Fabulous" she replied. I do adore all these fluffy animals, they're so gorgeous and playful. Can I please have one?"

"Strewth lady. These are me livin. I can't go just letting one go every time someone says they like one"

"Oh give me a chance. If I can tell you within 30 seconds how many animals there are in the mob would you let me have one?"

"I'm a sportin man and will give a person a chance. OK".

She looked over the mob and in 20 seconds turned back to the drover and said, "354". She had of course counted the legs and divided by 4.

"Bloody hell, your spot on. Bets a bet you can have one", he said.

The lady moved out into the mob and seeing a very lively animal grabbed it and went to put it into the back of her car.

The drover seeing this moved over to her and said,

"Seeing how I gave you a chance how about giving me one. If I tell you what colour your hair was before you dyed it brunette, would you let me have my dog back?"

terryJones
6th Oct 2006, 01:18
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

Lon More
6th Oct 2006, 07:15
First the bad news.

Like ginger hair and double chins, your brainpower is, to a large extent, determined by your genes.

So that's another thing you can use to lay a guilt trip on your parents.

The good news is that there's a lot you can do to make the most of what you've got.

Think of it like the cerebral equivalent of a Wonder bra, or shoving a rolled-up sock down your keks.

Here are a few ideas:

1. Watch your diet

Like any other organ, your brain depends upon fuel to keep it running efficiently.

Feed it with the nutritional equivalent of Albanian lawnmower fuel, and you'll find your brain grinding to a halt when presented with anything more challenging than the Take a Break crossword.

Give it some decent shit - plenty of greens and Mars Bars (for glucose) - and your cerebellum will be running as smoothly as an Aston Martin V8.
Remember - to our knowledge, no-one has ever made a discovery of great technological or social importance while eating a doner outside Abra-keba-bra at three in the morning.

2. Eat the brain of someone more intelligent than you In Equatorial Guinea, cannibals have long believed that if you defeat a powerful enemy in battle, and then eat his brains, you will
automatically acquire his wisdom.

So the next time you're in a pub, try picking a fight with the bloke who keeps winning £320 on the Crystal Maze quiz game.

By the way, Hannibal Lecter's serving suggestion was to slice the brain up, grill it lightly in garlic butter and serve on Melba toast with rocket salad and black olives.

Apparently he got the idea from Ready, Steady, Cook.

3. Sleep in an oxygen tent

To be honest, I haven't really thought this through properly, but anything that makes Michael Jackson dress up a monkey in Hugo Boss and plaster over his face with Polyfilla has got to be a good crack.

Here's the idea in principle.

Your brain is dependent upon oxygen to survive, right?

And our atmosphere is made up with approximately 21% of the stuff.

So it doesn't take a great leap of imagination to figure out that if you breathed 100% oxygen, your brainpower would increase by a factor of five. Or something like that. Just think! David Beckham would have an IQ of 35!

4. Shag regularly

It's true!

Research has shown that shagging promotes the synthesis of endomorphism, which is a bit like anabolic steroids for the brain.

Some doctors would probably say that getting your end away two or three times a week could boost your IQ by about, oooh, say 34%.

5. Stop reading nonsense.

Are you really still reading this?

GANNET FAN
6th Oct 2006, 09:59
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every
Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golf's all day long.
Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It
is raining a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

RufusRob
6th Oct 2006, 10:52
I have a Labrador retriever.
I was buying a large bag of Winalot at Tesco's and was in line to checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, and thinking it was a stupid question, I told her no, and that I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I had ended up in hospital last time. But because I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms I was willing to try it again.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.:)

Mudfoot
6th Oct 2006, 11:22
A young man is driving down a back road late at night when his car quits. It's raining miserably, and he can't see any house lights anywhere. Remembering he had passed a couple of houses recently, he began tramping off where he'd just been.

The first house he came to was dark, and his rapping on the door brought noone out. Staring into the rainy distance, he spotted a dim light. He took off to find it. Upon arrival, he started toward the door but looked into the window first. There, he saw an elderly woman, stark naked, bouncing her boobs up and down in her hands. Opposite her was her husband, [email protected] off in a chair with an open umbrella in his hand. He decided this was not the house to knock at.

The next house he came to he knocked at, and the lights came on. A man opened the door and allowed the stranger in. "Hellish weather, eh?" he said.

The young man said, "Yes, and it's hard to find someone to come to the door at that." The occupant said, "Didn't you check the houses up the road?" "Yes," the driver replied, "the first house didn't answer, and the next house..." He went on to describe what he'd witnessed.

The home owner chuckled and said, "Oh, that would be the Smith's, an elderly deaf-mute couple who own a dairy farm. She was saying, "You better go milk the cows", and he was replying, "Fcuk you no, it's raining too hard."

Cheers, y'all.

barry lloyd
6th Oct 2006, 11:42
A Scotsman phones the dentist to enquire about the cost of an extraction.
"£85 for an extraction sir," the dentist replies.
"£85! Huv ye no anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the standard charge," answered the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual sir, but I could do it, and take £15 off."
"Then whit aboot if ye used one of ya trainee dentists, but without an anaesthetic?"
"Well, I can't guarantee their expertise, and it'll be painful. But that would drop the price to £40."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, and 'ave yer student do the extraction wi' the others watchin' and learnin'?"
"Hm, it would be good for the students," mulled the dentist."I'll charge you £5 but I warn you it will be traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie - It's a deal," says the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

goshdarnit
6th Oct 2006, 12:22
A blind fella is sitting at a bar and having a drink, talking to the bartender. After a few minutes chat the blind chap says “hey, I heard this great blonde joke – you wanna hear it?”
The bartender says, “You know, the guy sat just down to your right there was a linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers, and he’s blonde; the guy on your left was three time army boxing champion, and he’s blonde; and I myself am a karate black belt, and I’m blonde. You sure you want to tell a blonde joke?”
“Uh, no, I guess not – not if I have to explain it three times….” :cool: