View Full Version : Best advice ever received

12th Aug 2006, 12:26
or the funniest.......mine?

"Always smell it first." I found this written on a wall. Words to live by.

Anyone else got some good advice to share?

12th Aug 2006, 13:25
Don't eat yellow snow. :}

12th Aug 2006, 13:27
The search function saves lives :ok: ;)

12th Aug 2006, 13:31
Play with the devil now and pay for it later.

Kalium Chloride
12th Aug 2006, 13:36
Never decline if someone offers you a breath-mint.

12th Aug 2006, 13:37
If in doubt go flat out!

12th Aug 2006, 13:59
"Play it for the humor."

Charlie Foxtrot India
12th Aug 2006, 14:25
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be"

12th Aug 2006, 14:41
Nothing matters very much

And most things don't matter at all

12th Aug 2006, 14:45
If it looks too good to be true - it is....

12th Aug 2006, 14:55
"Don't worry the worst it can do is kill you!" :hmm:

12th Aug 2006, 14:59
Tell people what you want; then they can plan in advance for you-

even if it's to say "No".
The Ancient Mariner

SET 18
12th Aug 2006, 15:03
I think Kirk Douglas once told an interviewer that:

he spent his 20s worrying what other people thought of him...

his 40s not worrying what other people thought of him...

and in his 60s he discovered that, actually, no-one ever thought of him..!!

I like that.

blue up
12th Aug 2006, 15:18
Job hunting - Bucks, equipment and time-off.

When making a difficult decision, always ask yourself what a lawyer will say tomorrow.

Never EVER piss off anyone who is going to handle your food.

Marry an ugly girl, she'll always appreciate you more.

Never let 2 training captains fly together

......but the best bit ever was "GO AROUND":ok:

Duncan Bucket
12th Aug 2006, 15:41
"Never tie your shoe laces in a revolving door"

12th Aug 2006, 16:03
Never pet a burning dog.

12th Aug 2006, 19:06
Advise given by a physician to a friend of mine when he was discharged from hospital after minor surgery:
"For the rest of your life... try to avoid physicians!"

Rev I. Tin
12th Aug 2006, 19:17
If you feel seasick, go and sit under a tree.

Spike Milligan, RIP

None of the above
12th Aug 2006, 19:28
Always remember that even if you're in a straitjacket, you can still tap dance.

Le Pen
12th Aug 2006, 19:32
Oi, you! Stop looking at my girlfriends t!ts.........

Saved me from a bashing when I was 20........ Grateful even now, 24 years later! :}

12th Aug 2006, 19:49
Live everyday as it will be your last...someday, you'll be right.

12th Aug 2006, 19:51
In my very early 20s, I had a colleague who was 'a wit' (even more than me, and much quicker). We were together in a pub (!) eying-up the talent, when one bloke took exception to Dave's attentions. "Hoi, MATE! Are you looking at my bird?"
Dave replies instantaneously in a polite refined (but not TOO plummy) voice, "What? ME? Looking at your bird? You must be JOKING! NO chance!"
Bloke then starts a thought process, and you could SEE the cogs whirling as he tried to work-out whether he'd been insulted or not.
Meanwhile we drifted away . . .

12th Aug 2006, 21:15
"Certain women should be struck regularly like gongs"

Noel Coward

12th Aug 2006, 21:18
Wear sunscreen!

Well, to be exact:-

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you


Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.


Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.


Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there
for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

12th Aug 2006, 21:51
Every approach is a set up to a go-around, only convert it to a landing at the last minute.

Don't eat yellow snow.

12th Aug 2006, 22:02
A good landing is one where everyone walks away, a GREAT on is where you can use the plane again afterwards!

And the absolute BEST advice, from a wise old drill sergeant.....

Don't do anything I wouldn't do, and the only thing I wouldn't do is get caught!

12th Aug 2006, 22:21
Dont be no fool, wrap your tool.

Mr T.

12th Aug 2006, 22:24
If it aint bloody broke, Dont try fixing it !!!!!!!!

brain fade
12th Aug 2006, 22:25
Do unto others as they would do unto you.

But do it to them first!

(from days in the (British) Army):ok:

12th Aug 2006, 22:32
If swept away by an avalanche, curl in to a loose ball - not too tight, so that when you come to rest you are able to move and have some air ... then ... pee ... and watch carefully... you wanna climb out in the opposite direction to that taken by your pee!! :ok: :E (summat to do with gravity methinks) :E

12th Aug 2006, 22:58
When you're up to your ears in shite...

Keep your mouth shut :cool: :ok:

12th Aug 2006, 23:04
The first thing to buy after you get married is a large garden shed

Howard Hughes
12th Aug 2006, 23:12
You must smack your kids at least once a week, or they will think that you don't love them!!:ok:

12th Aug 2006, 23:41
Don'e whislte whilst packing for a trip!

13th Aug 2006, 02:46
If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck,..... it is a duck!

13th Aug 2006, 02:52
The hand that packs you on the pack is merely a recce for the knife...

13th Aug 2006, 09:37
Checking to see if you're with a woman or not, remember, it's the second hole from the back of the neck!

Barry Humphries :D

13th Aug 2006, 09:57
"My dear, never be disarmed by compliments!" Told me by a grand old lady when I was about 14.
"That, and always use your good china, darling!"

None of the above
13th Aug 2006, 10:12
When you're in a hole, stop digging.


Never nudge your granny while she's shaving.

13th Aug 2006, 10:21
Strap it up before you slap it up!:E

13th Aug 2006, 10:32
Always cut away from yourself. And don't close the knife on your finger.

On a boat if you have to ask 'what's that line do?' then don't touch it. From my first yachty owner I crewed with.
Followed closely with same guy saying 'when I say drop the spinaker gather it in like f*** or else we're all f***** so don't f*** it up.'
Motivativating and informative.


13th Aug 2006, 12:50
On an aviation note, I used to know a wonderful piece of advice in the form of a little rhyme which now escapes me. Something about always watching the guy behind the guy ahead, and ahead of the guy behind.
Anyone remember it?

13th Aug 2006, 16:30
Can't help you with that, but a mate had a rhyme that was..
If in doubt,
Give a bellow,
Then give a pull on the black and yellow.

and leave yer kneecaps in the cockpit.:eek:

'Don't touch the horse. No really, don't touch the horse.'
But I did, and it bit me. I was young. :{ I'm lucky I'm not typing with a hook.


13th Aug 2006, 22:28
Prior to sitting a geography exam I was briefed by my teacher:

"If you're asked for an example, use Burkina Faso!"

I asked on the behalf of the now dumbfounded classroom as to why we should do that...

"How much do you know about Burkina Faso?" teacher replied,
"Nothing sir..."
"Well what makes you think that the person marking this exam knows any more than you?!"

13th Aug 2006, 22:33


Romeo Charlie
13th Aug 2006, 22:36
Upper Volta

13th Aug 2006, 22:37
"There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can't"


13th Aug 2006, 22:49
You never have to show anyone else how good you are.


13th Aug 2006, 22:52
Advice from my parents......"Get a job":ooh:

13th Aug 2006, 22:54
Respect! :D

14th Aug 2006, 09:39
Stay single and bring your children up to do the same!

14th Aug 2006, 10:48
Don't smoke & keep it in your pants. Ifollowed neither.:(

Flip Flop Flyer
14th Aug 2006, 14:53
\Pedantic mode "on"
Except it's spelled Ouagadougou.
/Pedantic mode "off"

I'm free of all prejudice - I hate everyone equally.


I always keep a supply of stimulant ready in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy.

W.C. Fields

14th Aug 2006, 15:03
When you're riding in a time machine far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

14th Aug 2006, 15:09
I aspire to the first but more often end up with the second:

The purpose of life is a life of purpose
Robert Byrne

Doing a thing well is often a waste of time
Robert Byrne

got banned
14th Aug 2006, 15:27
Before getting married, take a good look at:) their mother

14th Aug 2006, 16:19
A bit of friendly advice from my late father...
Never use your c:mad:k as a compass

Nevil Sopwith
14th Aug 2006, 16:53
and perhaps the most difficult piece of advice to put into practice........."Stay deadly calm at all times".

14th Aug 2006, 17:06

(Various, inc HHGTTG and Corporal Jones, Dads' Army.)

14th Aug 2006, 17:33
Following on from Nevil Sopwith and G-CPTN:

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - then find out what they know that you don't!

Used that one on Friday night when a violent drunk came through a crowd of spectators at a horse racing event.:ok: