View Full Version : Weekly Joke Thread - Monday 7 Aug

7th Aug 2006, 02:29
It was tough times and the husband was going through the household receipts. "You should clean the house yourself," he said, "and that will save on the cleaning lady."

"You should also learn to cook and that will save on the catering," he said.

"And you should also learn to to the ironing so we won't need to pay the ironing woman," he added.

"And you should learn to f*ck," she said, "then we could get rid of the gardener."

bar fly
9th Aug 2006, 11:04
Michael Caine and his wife are at a showbiz party with several other actors and rock stars, the Beatle’s were there as well as the Rolling Stones and Jim Morrison and his band. After a few drinks Michael’s wife confesses she’s got a bit of a crush on Jim Morrison and asks if it’s alright if she flirts a little with him. Michael see’s no harm in this and gives his consent. A little while later his wife comes back and tells Michael she’s planning on giving Jim and his band oral sex. As this was the era of sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll Michael agrees to it. However his wife is gone for such a long time Michael goes to find her, upon entering a room Michael see’s Jim and his band looking more than satisfied and is then gob smacked to see his wife in the middle of a gang bang with the Stone’s and the Beatle’s. Oii!!!!!! Shouts Michael “YOU WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF!!!!!”

9th Aug 2006, 11:48
Personal ads in local paper:-


A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Potential repliers should only read lines 1,3 & 5.

10th Aug 2006, 18:32
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he
accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got
dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da
finkers and I'll see vhat I can do.

"Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean,
you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 Ive's
got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy
didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........"How da foock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

12th Aug 2006, 18:17
A girl dumped her boyfriend and refused to give a reason.

He complained bitterly, saying, "We've been together nearly five years and I think you owe me something for that".

Eventually he wore her down and she said "Alright, I will tell you, it's because you're so uncouth".

"UNCOUTH, uncouth?", he shouted, "What do you mean uncouth? I take you to the opera and the ballet, and all that bleedin' sh!t!"

12th Aug 2006, 18:25
Waynona accuses Wayne of not loving her.
"COURSE I loves yer! I F:mad:KS yer dunn' I?"

12th Aug 2006, 18:42
That's not love, that's lust.
Alright, I lusts yer!

12th Aug 2006, 21:23
Love is a fellow feeling

Jealousy is another fellow feeling

12th Aug 2006, 21:35
Too lazy to check back the last joke thread..dunno if this was posted before:)

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

"There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

The national grid comes up and he wins that too, getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"F*ck me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."