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flybywire
5th Aug 2006, 22:57
Ok guys....here is the thing:

I am sick and I cannot sleep well at night these days (that's why I am still ppruning at this time). My better half is away for work on what should have been our romantic weekend/nightstop but I couldn't go due to health probs.

So please.....tell me jokes (aaaah, the british humour....) send me pics of yourselves naked :E do anything you like but please do make me laugh!!!


I will be forever grateful........

fbw:E

PTT
5th Aug 2006, 23:14
Two fish in a tank. One says "do you know how to drive this thing?":}

Sorry, a personal favourite....

flybywire
5th Aug 2006, 23:17
Oh my god :D hahaha

thank you :ok:

G-CPTN
5th Aug 2006, 23:17
A girl goes into a cocktail bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre - so he gives her one.

SXB
5th Aug 2006, 23:20
Horse walks into a bar, barman says "so why the long face?"

click
5th Aug 2006, 23:25
A friend sent this yesterday..:)
I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I
told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the
food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the
line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in
that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was
because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit
me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he
was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

stevef
5th Aug 2006, 23:25
My grandfather knew the exact date he was going to die.

The judge told him.

tilewood
5th Aug 2006, 23:26
Ugly wife goes to the front room window and gazes across the street.

Her husband shouts to her "Get away from there, people outside
will think it's a pet shop!! ;)

Get well soon fbw! :ok:

Cheerio
5th Aug 2006, 23:29
Bob Monkhouse on his own illness:

'I saw a specialist who asked me: "Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?" I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.'

flybywire
5th Aug 2006, 23:29
Ahahahahaha!!!!! What a response!! Well done guys............:D

Any pics ;) :E ;)

eastern wiseguy
6th Aug 2006, 00:55
Two parrots sitting on a perch....one turns to the other and says "can you smell fish?"

ww1
6th Aug 2006, 01:25
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender! Give me a.............................
............................................................ ...........................................
............................................................ ...........................................
............beer!
Bartender asks, "What's with the big paws?"

Get well, fbw.

G-CPTN
6th Aug 2006, 01:47
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

BlueDiamond
6th Aug 2006, 02:09
Why is PMS called PMS?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. :)

tinpis
6th Aug 2006, 04:48
An Englishman an Irishman and an Aussie walked into to a pub.
The barman looked up and said
"This is a joke right?"

Loose rivets
6th Aug 2006, 07:38
Texas bar in the late 1800s. Honky-tonk piano playing, and the wusky a-flowin. A little guy bursts through the swing doors. LOOK OUT....BIG JAKES A'COMMIN!!!!!

The room falls almost silent. Boom, boom boom of boots along the board-walk....a moment's silence and then the swing doors fly open with a crash. A huge man stand silhouetted against the evening sunlight. The jungle of his spurs accompanies his heavy tread as he walks to the bar.
"WHISKY!!"

The barman serves him with a shaking hand, and the huge man tilts it to his grizzled jaw.

The piano plays VERY softly again, and one or two people murmur; none daring to look up. After a few moments the barman, his voice trembling, asks the man if he would like another. The room falls silent again. The mans draws the focus of his eyes from somewhere inside his head, and stares at the barman. You could hear a pin drop. His cracked lips peal open at last.

"NO FEAR! BIG JAKES A-COMMIN!!!!"

Loose rivets
6th Aug 2006, 07:41
Or,

Bloke walks into a bar with a large parrot on his head:

Barman: "What's that doing there?"

Parrot: "Dunno, it's been stuck on my arse for weeks."

Loose rivets
6th Aug 2006, 07:44
Or,

Why do mice have small balls?

Not many of them know how to dance.

Loose rivets
6th Aug 2006, 07:48
Or, and I'm really draggin them up for you're wellbeing you know.....l


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

To save bandwidth.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Jerricho
6th Aug 2006, 07:48
You really want to laugh?

Go and read that thread Mr Revolutionwhatever has started. That's some funny shiat...................fool.

B Fraser
6th Aug 2006, 07:59
A girl goes into a cocktail bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre - so he gives her one.


She then goes to another cocktail bar and asks for an entendre
Barman: "A single or a double"
Girl: " A double, make it a large one"

OK, doctor joke.

"Doctor, I have a strawberry growing on my forehead"
"Don't worry, I can give you some cream for it"

click
6th Aug 2006, 08:39
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four hour surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles,from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
Sir I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles,
she over comes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she
takes a close
Look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
"Thank you very much.That was wonderful, but, listen
very, very
closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" :D

Bern Oulli
6th Aug 2006, 10:27
Cough! Choke! Gasp! Thank you for that Click. There are two nurses in my family - I shall see if they have heard that one.

asuweb
6th Aug 2006, 10:44
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

:D

Lon More
6th Aug 2006, 11:05
A termite walks into a pub and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

airship
6th Aug 2006, 11:54
A man walks into a Ferrari showroom: "I've just won the lotto jackpot!" he cries.

The sales manager comes out and shows him around. "I can't make up my mind. Look, I'll take one for every winning number. Have them delivered to my new mansion as soon as possible!"

The next day, a car transporter shows up with no less a personality than Jean Todd for the handover. The lotto winner almost weeps as one by one, six Ferraris are lovingly driven down the ramp:

an F430 Coupé
an F430 Spider
an F430 Challenge
a 599GTD
a 612 Scaglietti
and the crême de la crême, the very first FXX...

Yet, there remained one vehicle on the transporter, hidden under a red tarpaulin. Jean Todd announces "You already have your 6 Ferraris for your 6 lucky numbers. But you forgot the bonus number didn't you?! Here is the bonus, with our compliments..."

"Oh mi God" the lotto winner sobs, "it must be an F1?!" as Jean Todd whips off the tarpaulin to reveal: a gleaming Ferrari-red finished FIAT 124...

"We should never forget the debt we owe to others, and also, we uhmmm, ran out of numbers..." :O

brain fade
6th Aug 2006, 13:10
A female friend of mine recently recieved a text from her one of her girl friends.

'Police have fished an unidentified womans body from the river Clyde. Saggy tits, old wrinkly skin, fanny like the top of a welly boot. Just thought I'd text you to see if you're ok'

AcroChik
6th Aug 2006, 13:34
Told to a blonde client by her haircutter ~~~

A blonde walks into her livingroom and spies her image in the mirror. Shocked and not a little anxious at seeing a stranger in her house she blurts out, "Hey, who are you and what are you doing here?"

After a moment's reflection she replies, "Oh, I know you, you're the girl I always talk to at the hair salon."

henry crun
6th Aug 2006, 23:12
This fellow from West Virginia arrives home from an extended holiday in China.
Shortly after his arrival he notes to his horror that his penis is covered
with bright orange and green spots, so he trots off in a hurry to see the local
quack, who refers him to a specialist in sexual diseases.

The specialist immediately diagnoses the problem. "You have a bad case of Galloping Mongolian VD" he says. "I am sorry to say that the only cure to is amputate the diseased member".

"Not so bloody fast" replies our greatly alarmed patient. "I want a
second opinion".
He leaves the office and seeks out another specialist who happens to be Chinese.

"Look doc" he says as he whips out his the brightly coloured penis. "What do you think is the problem ?"
"Ah ha" says the Chinese chappy, " you have a bad case of the dreaded Galloping Mongolian VD".

"That's just what the other doc told me, and he says the only cure was to
cut it off".
"No no" says the doc. "These Amelican doctors all same, trying to make
more money with unnecessary plocedures" "You don't need do anything -- just wait, and in a couple of weeks and it faw off by itself".

rotated
7th Aug 2006, 02:08
:} (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?t=48116) <-- Clicky
Several year's worth of some of the best humour ever on 'Prune:ok:

Farmer 1
7th Aug 2006, 08:21
We seem to be on a medical theme, so:

A brand spanking new young nurse was given the job of putting a new male patient into bed.

After a couple of minutes, she came into the staff room, blushing deeply, and in a shocked tone, told her colleagues that the man had a word tattooed "down there."

"Well, what is it?" demanded the others.

"SWAN," she said.

"SWAN? SWAN? Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure, I can read, you know."

One of the senior nurses felt obliged to solve the mystery and hot footed it immediately to the ward. She returned several minutes later.

"You got it wrong," she said. "It's not SWAN, it's






































SASKATCHEWAN."

Saintsman
7th Aug 2006, 10:19
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my deckchair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. Camille from next door was so upset at this that she came over and shouted "You lazy *******! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! You should be bloody well hung!"

I said "I am."