View Full Version : Witnesses....

1st Aug 2006, 11:10
We've all had this happen. There we are sitting at home at the weekend when suddenly there's a knock on the door or the doorbell rings, and it's the Jehovah's Witnesses again...

But the last time I had two come around, they were a pair of gorgeous young women!

"Whoa!", I thought, "They're babes! Demented, but babes!"

I wonder if this is some new recruitment drive?

Curious Pax
1st Aug 2006, 11:19
Did the drool running down your chin make them think that you might be taking in their message?

1st Aug 2006, 11:39
I had em round on Staurday & no, you wouldn't have. Thing is, as they started their spiel, I invited them in & they were so surprised at getting through the door, they forgot to get into the schtick. Only joking, but I am using Watchtower as a dust sheet while I paint the fireplace. Thanks JW's nice work!

Mercenary Pilot
1st Aug 2006, 11:40
Is that a watchtower in your pocket or were you just pleased to see them :E

1st Aug 2006, 11:59
Statistically speaking, for every 500,000 pairs of gorgeous JWs you invite in, you might get lucky ... once. Long odds I know, but oh...

1st Aug 2006, 12:49
When the last lot arrived I asked them if they believed in Armageddon. When they said they did, I told them that 'armageddon fed up with you, so [email protected]@s off'. They went

1st Aug 2006, 13:07
The Witnesses have a large presence in NYC, where litrally thousands live in dormatories segregated by sex, and work in the borough of Brooklyn. This is where they publish their magazines and from where they manage their worldwide operations. They are canny real estate investors. Every building they buy is carefully renovated to a high standard and absolutely spotless.

They're not landlords, but live in and work in the buildings they buy.

It's a long, complex, ongoing saga because, really, they're very good neighbors, but also remove properties from tax rolls (churches pay no taxes here), and because people think of them as a cult, don't necessarily want to live with or near them.

The Witnesses are smart. They don't go knocking on doors where they live.

Here's a bit about this from 18 (!) years ago:


Sixteen years ago:


Two years ago [Note: DUMBO = Down Under The Manhattan Bridge Overpass]:


1st Aug 2006, 13:12
I saw the Watchtower building when i lived In Brooklyn. I remember it as having battlements.

1st Aug 2006, 13:17

That's the "watchtower" they built on top of the HQ in Brooklyn Heights, just at the north end of the promenade.

Remember how all their buildings are the same rather attractive beige/green color combo?

For those who haven't seen it, this is a huge, nearly cubic, formerly vacant, derilict industrial building the Witnesses bought and renovated. It's almost a full city block in size.

uffington sb
1st Aug 2006, 14:02
Why don't you contact the local Jay Dubya's and ask them to be put on their 'no calls' list.
We did and we don't get any Jay Dubya's calling now. Of course you could ask them to only send round tasty babes. :)

1st Aug 2006, 14:49



1st Aug 2006, 14:58
Being serious for a minute, my MIL is a JW. My wife was also one years ago, but "left"..she saw the light:E

Standard Noise
1st Aug 2006, 15:38
Last ones that arrived here were told that I wasn't interested because I'm a Free Presbyterian. "Oh, aren't you interested in religion then?":hmm:

Was thinking of getting one of those signs that says 'My dog is fed on Jehovah's Witnesses', but I see some old dear in Hampshire beat me to it.

1st Aug 2006, 19:04
What exactly did Jehovah's witnesses see him do?

1st Aug 2006, 20:33
It's easy to get rid of JW's, just tell them you're a bush Baptist. Works like a charm. For the uninitiated, a bush Baptist is one who does not believe in the temptation of his fellow man with wiskey and women, so tell them you :mad: all the women and drink all the booze to remove the temptation.

1st Aug 2006, 20:37
I've got rid of both JWs and Mormons by telling them I'm interested in UFOs, and the best book I've read about UFO reports is the Bible. Nearly converted a Mormon once with that line!

1st Aug 2006, 22:20
Mother has been a JW for 30 years now........oh the stories I could tell you! :uhoh:

1st Aug 2006, 23:51
I have vague memories of a more generous period in mankind's existence (well before I had a door of my own to answer to I hasten to add) of another well-intentioned group, Christians too, by all accounts, who would endeavour to save souls by sending their young female devouts out into the world and into unwitting peoples' lives: apparently these young ladies would not hesitate to share their bodies if it might result in another soul saved. Alas, their bountiful spirits no longer appear to be as numerous as they once were. Or at least, living on the 1st floor of an apartment building means that I never get the chance to meet these delightful (or so I'm told) creatures... :{ :{ :{

BTW, I'd prolly take a lot of convincing, as I'm sure some of the rest of you would too... :E

2nd Aug 2006, 00:03
I heard that it was the "Moonies" ladies that did that Airship.

Around these here parts (a little Okieism there:E ) we mostly get Mormons. I tell them that I was born in Salt Lake City (true) and that my half-brother is an Elder (true), my cousin was the Mayor of Salt Lake City (true), but I'm Jewish (false).

At that point I give them a bottle of water and send them on their way.

However, if my adopted Jewish daughter is home she answers the door and speaks Yiddish to them, that works the best.:ok: (They don't wait for the water then.:E )

2nd Aug 2006, 00:31
We have close family friends in Provo, Utah, which is an intensely Mormon community. The last time I was out there visiting them it was just as an annual celebration called The Days of '49 was winding down. This is a big affair commemorating the crossing of a mountain range into the promised land by covered wagon. Imagine a rodeo combined with a church service and you've nearly got it.

Anyway, while I was visiting, our friends had their neighbors come over for dinner. Their son, a very well educated, smart fellow ~ and as most Mormons are, exquisitely polite ~ had just come back from doing a Mormon evangelical mission to Russia. He'd gone to Novozebirsk (spelling?) which is apparently not the greatest place. He'd also been on an evangelical mission to New York City at some point. I asked him which was harder on him, culturally, the environment, the people, etc.

He thought for a moment and said, "Please excuse me, I don't want to cause any offense, but New York was much more complicated."

I felt proud, but tried not to show it.

2nd Aug 2006, 00:45
Well, I'd better raise a toast to those moonies girls then. :ok:

Whether or not they ever persuaded many to move closer to God, I'm sure their attentions were welcomed in certain parts...that other beers do not reach?! :O It's 1.44am here! :eek:

2nd Aug 2006, 01:07
Bless me father, for I am sinning - Ppruning at work. What's the going rate for indulgences? :(

A couple of JWs came to the door when I was in my early teens. I had NO idea what they were about, but they invited me to pray with them in the hot sun - while upstairs thru an open window my brother turned up the stereo and played Neil Diamond's "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show."

They didn't stay long... :D

Cheers, y'all.

Metro man
2nd Aug 2006, 01:50
Never take any magazines from them, that guarantees a return visit. A simple P**S OFF and slam the door in their faces works wonders.

They were making headway in converting the wife while I was away for a few weeks. That is until I phoned the Kingdom Hall and told them what I would do to the next one who came around. Haven't seen them since :E

2nd Aug 2006, 03:44
JW quite active in this neck of the woods. They had been trying for some considerable time to get land to build a Kingdom Hall but weren't having much luck as no-one in the district really wanted them close. Eventually the Council found a bit of land for them. The development process took a while but finally they were ready. I was Shire President at the time so had an invitation to the building and opening of their new hall.

Not being a JW and really not wanting anything to do with it I had reservations. However, what was planned got my interest.

On the appointed day about a thousand of 'em appeared from all over Australia and on the Friday morning they started on what was basically a bare site on a hillside. Some ground work had been done such as sewage and water pipes laid, pad levelled and a rough drive up the hill constructed.

Everyone had their appointed tasks. Professional tradesmen were in charge of sub groups and there were many 'humpers and dumpers' who were moved from job to job. I even got carried away and helped move some roof trusses into place!

At 1700 on the Sunday they conducted their first service in the brand new, fully kitted out Hall.

From bare site to opening took just 3 days. I was amazed. I still don't subscribe to their beliefs but one has to take ones hat off to them.

Loose rivets
2nd Aug 2006, 07:43
'My dog is fed on Jehovah's Witnesses' (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/07/28/nwitness28.xml)

Taken down after 32 yrs on display - aren't we all so "PC" ?? :ugh:

From the link
"Diana Sneezum, the chairman of Bursledon parish council, said the police should be concentrating on the bigger problems in the village......"

Yeah, like arresting her for being in possession of a really silly name:}

2nd Aug 2006, 13:19
I still don't subscribe to their beliefs but one has to take ones hat off to them.
So you're a Hasidic Jew perhaps?

got banned
2nd Aug 2006, 14:26
the blood issue got to me after watching the life trickle out of a patient who refused a transfusion.

Guess, you could argue that transfusion recipients don't often fair well either.

2nd Aug 2006, 14:33
As an enthusiastic blood-donor from earliest-possible times (we were offered Newcastle Brown or Amber Ale as an after-donation drink AND time-off during the working day) and a grateful recipient of copious quantities of transfusions in later life, I'm disappointed that I'm now banned from doning because of having received transfusions, so I can't continue to repay my debt :confused:

Never been bothered by God Botherers. Just show them my membership card and gold badge.

2nd Aug 2006, 14:39
My ex father in law lived next to a gentleman named Ken Rotheram who received several visits from the witnesses. It was during a nice summer period and they used to come every Saturday afternoon, with their litle briefcases, and stand talking to Ken on his front doorstep...probably because he wouldn't let them into his home.
As it went on week after week, my father in law would go and mow his lawn to catch snippets of what his next door neigbour talked to them about.
On the last occasion of their visits one of the witnesses said to the neighbour "Kenneth, I was talking with God, and he said you are ready to join us"..."funny ...I was taliking with god too" said Ken " and he said **** all to me!!"..they closed their cases and left...never to be seen again.
Ken was known for his piss taking of door to door salesmen etc, but this one is a classic example of his wit, and yes..it IS a true story.

2nd Aug 2006, 14:45
So, Drapes, do you get importuned by your Hasidic neighbours?

Never fancied JOINING the Jews - I need every mm of MY willy.
And them Masons wanted me to paint my balls black . . .

2nd Aug 2006, 14:47
As an enthusiastic blood-donor from earliest-possible times...

Wonderful! I wish more people did the same.

2nd Aug 2006, 14:48
Daughter too - she's trying to make-up for my inability to 'give'.

I always felt much better after a good bleed. Makes you wonder what the ancients knew.

2nd Aug 2006, 14:48
Isn't it the case that the largest community of Hasidic Jews in the UK is in Gateshead? I seem to recall mooching round the Phileas Fogg factory years back & being surprised to note that the journey in was just like cruising through Golders green.:confused:

2nd Aug 2006, 15:06
Drapes (is probably) in his hammock, and a hundred winks away . . .

2nd Aug 2006, 15:30
As a genuine NBS Gold badge recipient ( you have to dronk 50 of their cups pf tea to get one ), you could try this one out on the next JW visitor :

Ask them :

"If HE created the world and everything on it, which of the seven days was devoted to the creation of Dinosaurs / Ice Age / Stone Age / Cavemen, and why don't they get a mention in the bible ?? - or were Adam & Eve too busy [email protected] and producing the rest of the Human Race to notice them ???"

Followed by "Please do come back when you have an answer"

Worked for me :ok:


Standard Noise
2nd Aug 2006, 15:43
Nice one Coconutty, liked that idea.
Unfortunately I'd prolly get nicked for using the late Noisy Snr's method of threatening to shoot them if they ever darkened our door again, it worked with JW's, Mormons, Brethren et al. Mind you, we were living in NI at the height of the troubles and Noisy Snr did look a bit shifty. I don't imagine it would carry as much weight here in Zummerset in 2006.

2nd Aug 2006, 15:48
Last time I had a visitation from the JW gang, I welcomed them with a
"Oh yes. The coven told me you were in the area".

They left PDQ

2nd Aug 2006, 16:01
SN - You need to move around 190 miles North East and make out they burgled your house first :rolleyes:


Standard Noise
2nd Aug 2006, 16:04
SN - You need to move around 190 miles North East

I'm not that desperate to be rid of them!:}

Solid Rust Twotter
2nd Aug 2006, 16:09
Got accosted in a public square by a couple of Watchtower wielding JWs. Tried to convert them to Buddhism and when they lost interest after a few minutes I followed them for a while and harangued them about the pleasures of lotus eating, meditation and navel contemplation.

Funny thing is they didn't take it very well. Wonder why that could be...?:confused: