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View Full Version : WEEKLY JOKE THREAD - MONDAY 31 JULY


allan907
31st Jul 2006, 09:34
A zoo acquires one of an endangered species of gorilla. Right from the outset she's very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet announces she's in heat. But what to do? There's no male of her species available. Whereupon the zoo administrators remember that one of their zookeepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is notorious for his ability to satisfy females. Perhaps they could persuade him to satisfy the gorilla.

So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition. Would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500? O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions. "Firstly, I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want any offspring to be raised Roman Catholic."

The zoo administration quickly accedes to these conditions. But what could be the third? "Well," says O'Reilly, "you've got to give me some time to come up with the $500."

madherb
31st Jul 2006, 09:59
To be sure the man is a saint! To sacrfice $500 worth of Guinness in the interests of Mother Nature deserves canonisation (or should that be 'cannon') at the very least.............

frostbite
31st Jul 2006, 12:58
For those suffering withdrawal symptoms after AA went:-


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the way from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
man go into or leave their flat. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence On
My VCR tapes ?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've now seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist 50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to George for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My wife has become mean and short tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send
him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?

Saintsman
31st Jul 2006, 13:03
I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam.

It wasn't my fault though, they were all trick questions.

Sailor Vee
31st Jul 2006, 16:45
An elderly couple were having a tough time getting by on little money, so they decided that she would become ‘a lady of the night’.

They decided that £50 would be the going rate for the whole hog, but the first customer only has a tenner.

She dashes off to ask the old man what can she give for a tenner, and he replies, ‘Just a hand job’.

Once the guy has dropped his trollies, she dashes off up to the old man and says, ‘Can you lend him the other £40?’

TokZik
1st Aug 2006, 19:59
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Lon More
1st Aug 2006, 21:27
Similar to Saintsman's.
I wanted to be a sex maniac until I failed the Oral

gobfa
2nd Aug 2006, 00:49
A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? what's so special about it?"
The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

Standard Noise
2nd Aug 2006, 01:27
Bloke and his wife are in bed late one night when there's a knock at the door. Bloke goes down to answer it and there's a man standing in the drive, obviously drunk and swaying, "can I have a push please?" asks the man.
"No, sod off" says the bloke.
He closes the door and goes back to bed where his wife asks who it was.
"Oh just some fella wanting a push, so I told him to go away."
"But darling, don't you remember how you broke down one night a few weeks back and knocked on someone's door to ask for a push? What would you have done if they'd refused? Go and give him a push."
So the bloke reluctantly goes down the stairs and out the front door. He hears a drunk voice asking, "can I have a push please?"
"Yes, go on then," says the bloke, "where are you?"
"Over here on the swing."

Felix Saddler
2nd Aug 2006, 01:51
* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

* she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

* she tried to drown a fish.

* she thought a quarterback was a refund.

* she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

* she tripped over a cordless phone.

* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

* she studied for a blood test.

* she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

* when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

* when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Felix Saddler
2nd Aug 2006, 01:57
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

Standard Noise
2nd Aug 2006, 16:07
OK then, here goes.....

What do you do when your wife starts smoking?
Use a lubricant!

Sorry couldn't help it.

Solid Rust Twotter
2nd Aug 2006, 16:12
The Springbok rugby team held a practice session in Australia last night. Apparently the scrumming machine broke through the backline and scored two tries before they got their act together....:rolleyes:

tu chan go
2nd Aug 2006, 20:59
Richard Branson offered to sponsor the Springboks but they turned him down. Seems they could not have "Virgin" on their shirts when they get f**ked every week.

Heatseeker
3rd Aug 2006, 02:47
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of the University of Georgia. They would get together
two or three times a week at the Varsity for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people was not
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One
thing led to another and they decided on an experiment.
They would each go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they got back together to discuss the "experience".

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear and when I found him
I read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to
slap me around. I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts,
and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers,
you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing
to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down
one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick
DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed
in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him
He was in bad shape. He looked up and struggled to speak to them.
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out."

No Mate!
3rd Aug 2006, 03:00
What do you call a Lawyer on the moon? ..... A problem!

What do you call two Lawyer on the moon? ..... A problem!


What do you call all the Lawyer on the moon? ..... Problem Solved!!!



EDIT: For con-man and the good of the nation

con-pilot
3rd Aug 2006, 03:02
Yup, that's racist. I rather think you should delete that actually.

No Mate!
3rd Aug 2006, 03:05
Do you not find it funny? I am from Pakistan myself.

con-pilot
3rd Aug 2006, 03:15
No!:*

However, if you had said lawyers, that would have been different.:p

No Mate!
3rd Aug 2006, 03:24
Ok, im not really from Pakistan, but i do find that joke hilarious, and I'm not racisct.

planeenglish
3rd Aug 2006, 06:39
On a cold, snowy night a truck driver had stopped at a traffic light. He noticed in his side mirror a blonde had gotten out of her car and was approaching his window. He rolled down the window and she said "Hi, I'm Enrica, it seems your losing something out of the back of your truck." The truck driver noticed the green light and thanked the lady and moved on.

Moments later, stopped at another traffic light the truck driver saw the woman get out of her car and approach his truck again. "Hi, my name's Enrica, I noticed your losing something out of the back of your truck." She walked off before he could reply.

The next traffic light the same thing happened. Finally, at the next light the truck driver got out of his truck and approached the woman's car. She rolled the window down and he said "Hi, my name's Joe and my job is to distribute salt on the roads."

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