View Full Version : Since Jordan D mentioned Jack Bauer........

28th Jul 2006, 16:41
Jack Bauer does not read books. He stares at them until they give him the information he requires.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Once someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk, in which case you are scr*wed

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. The Jack Bauer way is basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the *!?* have you done with your life?

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.

Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Superman. The stipulation was that the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.

Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. He waits.

28th Jul 2006, 17:18
Who is Jack Bauer?:confused:

He sounds like Chuck Norris.:E

28th Jul 2006, 17:50
Jack Bauer is the protagony-ist of the TV-show "24."

Brief description from the Wiki-pedia:
Jack's beliefs could be described as Machiavellian in that he is a firm believer in the mantra, "the ends justify the means:" He believes obtaining a desired result is more important than how he obtains it, and he frequently performs controversial actions if he thinks they will achieve an important goal. His philosophy was perhaps best expressed after he shot and killed a witness in front of George Mason, then-CTU Special Agent in Charge. George expressed dismay at Jack's extreme action, and Jack replied: "That's the problem with people like you, George. You want results, but you never want to get your hands dirty." Lying, torture, stealing, and even cold-blooded murder are all viable options to Jack, a stark contrast to the vast majority of fictional heroes. Comparisons with the very people he battles are inevitable.

Chuck Norris is a sissy. :ouch:

28th Jul 2006, 23:46
Ah, thank you HowlingWind, I have never watched that show.:ok:

Chuck Norris is a sissy.

Okay, you tell him that, I'm sure not going to.:p

Buster Hyman
29th Jul 2006, 01:20
Well...I watched an episode of the latest installment of 24 the other night...:rolleyes:

He managed to get into the cargo hold of a 727...very spacious I might add...He then used a hatch in the rear galley that connected the hold to the main deck, climbed up, grabbed a passenger & then brought him back down into the hold to interrogate him.

Unfortunately, he was discovered and the crew de-pressurised the cargo hold so, Jack, in his infinite wisdom, opened up a ceiling cavity and managed to find the control lines...how he knew which lines to pull I'll never know, but...he used a belt to pull on a couple of lines and make the 727 swerve violently...the crew relented & let him out.

Now he's in the cockpit where the FO is the bad guy (Where've you heard that before?) and next week, the nasty President is going to order the 727 shot down!:eek:

The man is a legend!:D

29th Jul 2006, 09:10
Good old Chuck................

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of letting corn it needs to lie the f**k down.

tony draper
29th Jul 2006, 10:56
The cousins have seethed with jealousy ever since we came up with James Bond and have tried various pathetic attempts to emulate same and come up with a home grown version, difficult for a nation who's heros were mostly raggy arsed itinerant agricultural workers called cowboys.

Mercenary Pilot
29th Jul 2006, 12:00
# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

# Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship

29th Jul 2006, 21:27
a home grown version, difficult for a nation who's heros were mostly raggy arsed itinerant agricultural workers called cowboys.
:rolleyes:Did these "cowboys" also wear green leotards like Robin Hood did?

This chap Jack Bauer sounds a lot like Vin Diesel.

tony draper
29th Jul 2006, 21:46
Hmmm,well if one takes note of that Brockback mountain they probably did,and makeup to boot.

Mercenary Pilot
29th Jul 2006, 22:23
* When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

* Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

* When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

* Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

* A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

* When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

* Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

* Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

* How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

* Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

* In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

* Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

* If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

* Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

* The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

* A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

* Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

* Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

* When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

* While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

* Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

* When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

* When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

* Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

* Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

* Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

* For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

* Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

* When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

* Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

* When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

* Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

* Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

* In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

* Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

* Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

* Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

* Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

* Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

* If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

* Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

* Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

* The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

* It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

* You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

* Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

* The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

* There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

* When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

* Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

* James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

* Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

* Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

* It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

31st Jul 2006, 18:04
I love them Chuck Norris lines..........only because he lets me.

Mercenary Pilot
31st Jul 2006, 18:18
# Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

# Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

# Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

# Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

# Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

# A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

# Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

# There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

# Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

# An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

# Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

# Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

# Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

# Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

# Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

# Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

# Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

# The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

# Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

# If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

# Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

# The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

# Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

# The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

# Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

# Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

# The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

# Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

# Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

# A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

# It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

# Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

# Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

# Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

# Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

# Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

# The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

# Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

# As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

# Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

# Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

# Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

# Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

# Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

# 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

# Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

# When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

# According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

# Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

# In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

# Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

# When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

# Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

31st Jul 2006, 19:08

8 pages of facts - plus, buy the t-shirt!