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Nov71
27th Jul 2006, 02:18
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by ********* pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best? one for last:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something
with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Buster Hyman
27th Jul 2006, 02:51
:rolleyes: ...I bet you haven't heard the one about the coughing Chicken either.

G-CPTN
27th Jul 2006, 03:03
Running along a conveyor belt?

11Fan
27th Jul 2006, 03:17
Coughing Chicken ?

I'm still new.

G-CPTN
27th Jul 2006, 03:35
http://www.pprune.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2444924&postcount=1


And then there's:-

http://www.pprune.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2469008&postcount=61

BombayDuck
27th Jul 2006, 06:02
Tell him the one about the lighthouse! Tell him!

Buster Hyman
27th Jul 2006, 06:09
There's this Lighthouse on a conveyor belt, manned by a coughing Chicken. One day, a QF maintenance log arrives on the Chickens desk.

"Qantas doesn't fly B52's" says the Chicken, and promptly begins to cough. Just then, the whole world, including the USS Nimitz, shits itself!

I think that was it BD...

Buster Cherry
27th Jul 2006, 07:40
:rolleyes: ...I bet you haven't heard the one about the coughing Chicken either.

Got a better one about a choking chicken...:}

allan907
27th Jul 2006, 08:54
What's the most painless and comfortable way of topping yerself???

Parapunter
27th Jul 2006, 09:13
I would imagine the most comfy & painless way of topping oneself is to lock yourself in a room with a big old bottle chemtrailers. You'll not go far wrong with them me laddo.:D

Buster Hyman
27th Jul 2006, 12:18
What's the most painless and comfortable way of topping yerself???

Cadbury's chocolate topping? (Yum!):ok:

rotated
27th Jul 2006, 13:01
Cadbury's chocolate topping? (Yum!)

That's for topping her, daft laddie... :ugh: :E :ok:

Buster Hyman
27th Jul 2006, 13:03
DOH!!!:ugh::ugh::ugh:

Flip Flop Flyer
27th Jul 2006, 13:06
What's the most painless and comfortable way of topping yerself???

One would presume a large syringe filled to the brim with the finest of Afghani exports, duly refined of course. Columbian marching powder, liquified, might be just as comfy. Doesn't leave a mess either.

There you go, free advice from the Flip Flop School of Comfy Suicides. At your service :ok:

BRL
27th Jul 2006, 15:28
Ice cream man was found dead in his van the other day covered in hundreds and thousands.

Police say he topped himself.............


<------is it this door then!!!!

EGBKFLYER
27th Jul 2006, 15:35
Bit like that other bloke who drowned homself in Pledge furniture polish - terrible end but a lovely finish.