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View Full Version : WEEKLY JOKE THREAD - MONDAY 24 JULY


allan907
23rd Jul 2006, 16:49
A Parachute Regiment recruit was given leave and returned home to visit his father the day after he was supposed to have had his first parachute jump.

"Dad, I was real scared up there. Everyone was going out before me and I just couldn't bring myself to jump out of that plane! So finally the jumpmaster comes up behind me as I'm looking out the door and says, 'Son, if don't jump right this instant I'm going to f*ck you up the arse'"

His dad asks, "Well, did you jump?"

The son replies, "A little bit, at first."

--------------------------------

A pilot was explaining his emergency equipment to some cadets touring the base. He showed them his parachute, emergency radio, signal mirror and other survival items. A cadet noticed a pack of playing cards and asked what they were for.

"These are my last resort." said the pilot. "If nothing else works and nobody comes to the rescue I take these, lay out a game of patience and wait. In a few minutes someone will be looking over my shoulder saying, 'No - put that card over there' ".

stevef
23rd Jul 2006, 19:51
Bill, disillusioned with life, decides to join a silent order of monks. The abbot welcomes him to the order and informs him that he is permitted to speak only two words a year. Bill agrees and goes about his monastical duties.
After his first twelve months, the abbot calls him in. 'Now, my son, you may speak your allotted words.'
'Bed ... hard,' he says.
'All right,' says the abbot, a trifle sharply, 'Peace be upon thee.'
Another year goes by and again Bill is called in.
'And your next two words, my son?'
'Food ...awful.'
The abbot bites his lip. 'Thank you, my son, walk in the ways of the Lord.'
Twelve months pass. Bill is again summoned to see the abbot.
'What would you like to say this time?' he asks.
'Room ... cold.'
The abbot frowns and shows him out.
The following year, Bill is summoned for his next two words.
'And what would you like to say this time?' asks the abbot warily.
'I quit,' says Bill.
'Thank f*** for that,' replies the abbot, 'you've done nothing but b***** moan ever since you came here.'

notmyC150v2
24th Jul 2006, 01:03
Aging Aunt Mildred, a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

11Fan
24th Jul 2006, 02:20
Don't know what the limitations are with jokes, so Mods, yank it if it's too off color.

A long haul truck driver decided to get himself a parrot since the road was lonely, transporting live chickens from Eastern Texas to California. Trip after trip, the parrot, a talkative companion, kept him in good spirits. On one particular trip, the trucker found himself a little on the frisky side, and lo and behold, came across a cute young hitchhiker.

As she climbed in, he asked "where are you heading"?. She replied that she needed to get to Amarillo. "I can take ya to Amarillo" said the trucker. A little further down the road, he said "ya know, nobody rides for free". She said "Wadda ya mean?". He said, "nobody rides for free, fcuk or walk". She said "I'll walk", and without slowing down, threw her out of the truck".

A little further down the road, he spied another hitchhiker. He pulled the rig over and gestured her into the truck. As she climbed in, he asked "where are you heading"?. She replied that she needed to get to Flagstaff. "I can take ya to Flagstaff" said the trucker. A little further down the road, he said "ya know, nobody rides for free". She said "Wadda ya mean?". He said, "nobody rides for free, fcuk or walk". She said "I'll walk", and without slowing down, threw her out of the truck too".

Continuing down the road, he spied another hitchhiker. He pulled the rig over and gestured her into the truck. As she climbed in he asked "where are you heading"?. She replied that she needed to get to Los Angeles. "I can take ya to Los Angeles" said the trucker. A little further down the road, he said "ya know, nobody rides for free". She said "Wadda ya mean?". He said, "nobody rides for free, fcuk or walk". She sat there for a moment and thought about it. She said, "well, I really need to get to Los Angeles, so, I'll fcuk."

The trucker pulled the big rig over and as they started to climb into the back, she said "but you gotta get rid of that bird first". He said "Wadda ya mean?". She replied, "I'm not fluking you with the bird in here". So the trucker climbs out of the cab with the parrot, walks around to the back of the big rig and throws the parrot in the trailer with the live chickens.

He climbs back into the truck, settles into the cab with the hitchhiker, and (insert favorite description here).

A little while later, they are heading down the road for LA and behind the truck comes a State Trooper with his lights and siren going. The trucker pulls over wondering what the problem is, thinking to himself, "I wasn't speeding, and my tags are current". He brings the big rig to a stop and rolls down the window. The Trooper walks up and the trucker asks "What's the problem officer?". The Trooper replies "you're loosing chickens out of the back of the truck". The trucker replies, Wadda ya mean?". The Trooper says "every 30 seconds or so, a chicken comes flying out of the back of the truck".

So the trucker gets out of the cab, walks to the back of the trailer, opens the door and there's the parrot and he's got a chicken by the neck and the parrot says" Fcuk or walk" and the chicken yells "waaalkk" and the parrot throws him out the door.

Felix Saddler
24th Jul 2006, 03:03
A blonde and a redhead were sitting together having drinks, when the blonde noticed a man walking towards them with an arm full of long stem red roses. The blonde says to the redhead, "isn't that your husband coming carrying all those roses?"

The redhead says, yes it is.

The blonde responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky".

The redhead says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole week-end flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart."

The blonde says, "Oh my, don't you have a vase to put them in"?

Felix Saddler
24th Jul 2006, 03:04
Q: Did you hear about the new automatic parachutes, invented by a blond?

A: They open on impact.

Felix Saddler
24th Jul 2006, 03:17
Q.How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A.Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q.How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

MoateAir
25th Jul 2006, 13:18
A guy comes home from work to find his blond wife crying at the kitchen table.

"Whats the matter babe" he says

She replies "I been trying to work on this jigsaw of a tiger all day, and I just can't seem to get it started"

"OK" he says, "Let me pour us both a nice drink, and then we'll put the frosties back in the box"

GANNET FAN
25th Jul 2006, 13:34
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with
But, if it just sits in your livin`g room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......
You either married it or gave birth to it.

Buster Hyman
27th Jul 2006, 02:49
The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for
getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a
big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site. In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her
designer shorts.
In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters.

The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and
Wildlife Service, Rural Fire Service, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area.......



I am sorry but they turned me down."

Arm out the window
27th Jul 2006, 03:21
Did you hear the one about the blonde?

She was stupid and liked sex.

...strange, doesn't sound so funny like that!