Lord_Flashheart
11th Jul 2006, 18:48
Carry On Up The Khyber (Directors Cut) (2006)
Director: T. Blair
Producer: G. Bush
From an original script by R. Kipling
Cast:
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond – Des Browne
Lady Ruff-Diamond – Margaret Beckett
Wing Commander Keene – himself
Khasi of Kalabar – Osma Bin Laden
Bungdit Din – Mullah Omar
EXTERIOR: DAY – Long shot
A lone forlorn outpost in the sand-blasted highlands. A Union Jack flutters from the flagpole while a handful of British Paras mount the defences. Shots ring out from the mountainside as the enemy edges closer.
INTERIOR: DAY
A cave nearby. Two men watch the attack take place.
Khasi of Kalabar (Osma Bin Laden): Soon my friend we will have our revenge on the accused infidels and their imperialist ways…
Bungdit Din (Mullah Omar): Yes my leader – but aren’t you worried about the devils air power able to smite us at will from the sky?
Osma Bin Laden: Never fear – they will die a death of a thousand cuts! After all the British military are used to cuts….
CUT TO:
INTERIOR: DAY
The British Outpost. Sir Sidney Ruff Diamond (Des Browne) is looking smug. Meanwhile Lady Ruff Diamond (Margaret Beckett) looks more concerned and glances at her watch. Meanwhile Wing Commander Keene, Sir Sidney’s air liaison officer, scans the sky anxiously though the outpost’s windows and keeps an eye on the signaller crouched by the radio in the corner.
(automatic gunfire continues to ring out)
Sir Sidney Ruff Diamond (Des Browne): Well this is rather jolly isn’t it? Is it time for Tiffin yet? These fact-finding missions tend to make one rather thirsty eh? When I came here I didn’t expect the locals to be so enthusiastic to see me…
(shouts of “kill kill” echo down from the hillside, along with incoming mortar rounds)
Wing Commander Keen: Indeed sir – if you could just keep your head down and your wildly bouffant hair in this helmet sir – they have snipers everywhere.
Des Browne: I wonder what has got them so excitable?
Lady Ruff-Diamond (Margaret Beckett): Well, don’t blame our department. We were well advanced with our BBC Blue Planet village pacification scheme and were ready to start showing the villagers repeats of Doctor Who. How were we to know at our last meeting of the region’s tribal chiefs that someone had taped over The Blue Planet with Big Brother 4: “The Bonking Bits” instead?
(shots splinter off the wall opposite – there are sounds of the Para’s enthusiastically returning fire)
Des Browne: Well seeing as this has been such a successful visit, perhaps we’d better push off home now, eh? Can you get us a whirly whirly airy bird?
Wing Commander Keene: (looking puzzled) A helicopter sir?
Des Browne: There’s no need to use that military jargon with me Wing Commander, Well can you?
Wing Commander Keene: I’m working on it but…
Margaret Beckett: Come on man, you must be able to get a Chinook to get us out of here…
Wing Commander Keene: Unfortunately they are all supporting the US-led Operation ‘Vinegar Strokes’ in the north, there’s none spare…
Des Browne: Are we stuck then?
Margaret Beckett: Surely we can use that airstrip outside the compound? What about a C-130 to take us out?
Wing Commander Keene: I’m afraid we’ haven’t any spare Hercules, Foreign Secretary. They are all away being refitted with foam in the fuel tanks – (looks at Des Browne) you do remember that Newsnight interview where you agreed to that, don’t you, sir?
Des Browne: (wincing) Yes, yes. But what about our allies? Can’t they rescue us?
Wing Commander Keene: I’m sorry sir, but the USAF refuse to fly into this airstrip as they judge the threat level too high, the Italians are on a coffee break and the Germans are still checking their EU health and safety regs. I think we’re on our own.
(A RPG is seen flying past the window – the enemy are close)
Des Browne: This is intolerable! What about the pointy grey loud zoomy flyers?
Wing Commander Keene: Come again sir?
Margaret Beckett: He means strike aircraft! Have we any Harriers or fast jets we can call in?
Wing Commander Keene: Well the Harrier force exceeded this months flying budget by £12.57 on account of a copy of FHM, two cans of coke and a packet of fags that a maintainer bought at the airport on the way from Cyprus, so under Treasury rules we had to send them home. The Apache assault helicopters are within budget but…
Margaret Beckett: Now that sounds better, well get them moving, otherwise we’re all going to die!
Wing Commander Keene: There’s a small snag – we’re still waiting for some ‘just in time’ sand filters to turn up. That’s the thing with this commercial ‘just in time’ business - sometimes it turns into ‘nearly in time’. Apparently there was a big rush on these sand filters – something about Iraq and the US Army’s needs – couldn’t have predicted that one at all.
(Outside the Paras are seen falling back from the first line of sandbags as robed figures charge forward, yelling)
Des Browne: Is there anything you can get us – we’re in a real pickle here!
Wing Commander Keene: I think I can get us some air support sir. (whispers to the signaller, who nods back) Well, there’s a couple of Grob Viking gliders from the Air Training Corps available. It will take them a bit to deploy, but they reckon with the right thermals they could be here in 2-3 months. Is that any use?
Margaret Beckett: And that’s it?
Des Browne: I don’t know where we went wrong (ducks as yet more small arms fire comes in through the window) We offered to rebuild the Afghan cities, monorail systems, water theme parks, wi-fi networks and Ann Summers shops, as well as destroy their opium crops and promote women to positions of authority. What could they possibly have against us?
Wing Commander Keene: I’m not sure… (looking intensely through the window)
Des Browne: How are we going to get out of this?
(Much shouting outside, along with cries of “Fix bayonets!”)
Wing Commander Keene: I don’t know sir, I’m sure you’ll think of something… (hands him his service pistol, then grabs a SA-80 from the table and strides towards the door…)
FADE OUT
THE END
Look out for more UK comedy productions this year:
Carry On.. Don’t lose the Falklands
Carry On,.. Mind my Balkans!
Carry On... Still Following that Camel
Director: T. Blair
Producer: G. Bush
From an original script by R. Kipling
Cast:
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond – Des Browne
Lady Ruff-Diamond – Margaret Beckett
Wing Commander Keene – himself
Khasi of Kalabar – Osma Bin Laden
Bungdit Din – Mullah Omar
EXTERIOR: DAY – Long shot
A lone forlorn outpost in the sand-blasted highlands. A Union Jack flutters from the flagpole while a handful of British Paras mount the defences. Shots ring out from the mountainside as the enemy edges closer.
INTERIOR: DAY
A cave nearby. Two men watch the attack take place.
Khasi of Kalabar (Osma Bin Laden): Soon my friend we will have our revenge on the accused infidels and their imperialist ways…
Bungdit Din (Mullah Omar): Yes my leader – but aren’t you worried about the devils air power able to smite us at will from the sky?
Osma Bin Laden: Never fear – they will die a death of a thousand cuts! After all the British military are used to cuts….
CUT TO:
INTERIOR: DAY
The British Outpost. Sir Sidney Ruff Diamond (Des Browne) is looking smug. Meanwhile Lady Ruff Diamond (Margaret Beckett) looks more concerned and glances at her watch. Meanwhile Wing Commander Keene, Sir Sidney’s air liaison officer, scans the sky anxiously though the outpost’s windows and keeps an eye on the signaller crouched by the radio in the corner.
(automatic gunfire continues to ring out)
Sir Sidney Ruff Diamond (Des Browne): Well this is rather jolly isn’t it? Is it time for Tiffin yet? These fact-finding missions tend to make one rather thirsty eh? When I came here I didn’t expect the locals to be so enthusiastic to see me…
(shouts of “kill kill” echo down from the hillside, along with incoming mortar rounds)
Wing Commander Keen: Indeed sir – if you could just keep your head down and your wildly bouffant hair in this helmet sir – they have snipers everywhere.
Des Browne: I wonder what has got them so excitable?
Lady Ruff-Diamond (Margaret Beckett): Well, don’t blame our department. We were well advanced with our BBC Blue Planet village pacification scheme and were ready to start showing the villagers repeats of Doctor Who. How were we to know at our last meeting of the region’s tribal chiefs that someone had taped over The Blue Planet with Big Brother 4: “The Bonking Bits” instead?
(shots splinter off the wall opposite – there are sounds of the Para’s enthusiastically returning fire)
Des Browne: Well seeing as this has been such a successful visit, perhaps we’d better push off home now, eh? Can you get us a whirly whirly airy bird?
Wing Commander Keene: (looking puzzled) A helicopter sir?
Des Browne: There’s no need to use that military jargon with me Wing Commander, Well can you?
Wing Commander Keene: I’m working on it but…
Margaret Beckett: Come on man, you must be able to get a Chinook to get us out of here…
Wing Commander Keene: Unfortunately they are all supporting the US-led Operation ‘Vinegar Strokes’ in the north, there’s none spare…
Des Browne: Are we stuck then?
Margaret Beckett: Surely we can use that airstrip outside the compound? What about a C-130 to take us out?
Wing Commander Keene: I’m afraid we’ haven’t any spare Hercules, Foreign Secretary. They are all away being refitted with foam in the fuel tanks – (looks at Des Browne) you do remember that Newsnight interview where you agreed to that, don’t you, sir?
Des Browne: (wincing) Yes, yes. But what about our allies? Can’t they rescue us?
Wing Commander Keene: I’m sorry sir, but the USAF refuse to fly into this airstrip as they judge the threat level too high, the Italians are on a coffee break and the Germans are still checking their EU health and safety regs. I think we’re on our own.
(A RPG is seen flying past the window – the enemy are close)
Des Browne: This is intolerable! What about the pointy grey loud zoomy flyers?
Wing Commander Keene: Come again sir?
Margaret Beckett: He means strike aircraft! Have we any Harriers or fast jets we can call in?
Wing Commander Keene: Well the Harrier force exceeded this months flying budget by £12.57 on account of a copy of FHM, two cans of coke and a packet of fags that a maintainer bought at the airport on the way from Cyprus, so under Treasury rules we had to send them home. The Apache assault helicopters are within budget but…
Margaret Beckett: Now that sounds better, well get them moving, otherwise we’re all going to die!
Wing Commander Keene: There’s a small snag – we’re still waiting for some ‘just in time’ sand filters to turn up. That’s the thing with this commercial ‘just in time’ business - sometimes it turns into ‘nearly in time’. Apparently there was a big rush on these sand filters – something about Iraq and the US Army’s needs – couldn’t have predicted that one at all.
(Outside the Paras are seen falling back from the first line of sandbags as robed figures charge forward, yelling)
Des Browne: Is there anything you can get us – we’re in a real pickle here!
Wing Commander Keene: I think I can get us some air support sir. (whispers to the signaller, who nods back) Well, there’s a couple of Grob Viking gliders from the Air Training Corps available. It will take them a bit to deploy, but they reckon with the right thermals they could be here in 2-3 months. Is that any use?
Margaret Beckett: And that’s it?
Des Browne: I don’t know where we went wrong (ducks as yet more small arms fire comes in through the window) We offered to rebuild the Afghan cities, monorail systems, water theme parks, wi-fi networks and Ann Summers shops, as well as destroy their opium crops and promote women to positions of authority. What could they possibly have against us?
Wing Commander Keene: I’m not sure… (looking intensely through the window)
Des Browne: How are we going to get out of this?
(Much shouting outside, along with cries of “Fix bayonets!”)
Wing Commander Keene: I don’t know sir, I’m sure you’ll think of something… (hands him his service pistol, then grabs a SA-80 from the table and strides towards the door…)
FADE OUT
THE END
Look out for more UK comedy productions this year:
Carry On.. Don’t lose the Falklands
Carry On,.. Mind my Balkans!
Carry On... Still Following that Camel