View Full Version : Best Joke(s)

23rd Apr 2006, 16:29
Whats the best joke or jokes you have ever heard? ;)

23rd Apr 2006, 16:42
Two fish in a tank. One says: 'You man the guns, I'll drive!' :}
(I know, I'm sorry)

23rd Apr 2006, 17:05
Apparently George Best had also been diagnosed with bird Flu, shortly before he died. They think it was from having a Litre of grouse a day.


23rd Apr 2006, 17:16
best one I've heard this week......

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Krystal n chips
23rd Apr 2006, 17:49
Golf mad Rabbi. Biggest wish is to get a clear course to play on. Comes up with the brilliant idea---why not play on Yom Kippur !--comes the day, phones in sick to the Chief Rabbi--and off he goes. Gets to the 11th hole and it 's a dog leg behind some tree's. Just about to tee off when the skies darken--up in heaven is Moses about to launch a thunderbolt in said Rabbi's direction when up comes God. "What you doing?" asks God. Moses says, "look at this one !!--playing golf on today of all days!!". "Relax" says God, "watch this". Rabbi tees off and this gust of wind catches the ball, straight over the tree's, bounces on the green and --plop ! --holes in one !.

"Why did you do that?" asks Moses----"Simple" says God---"whose he going to tell ? ".

23rd Apr 2006, 19:07
Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransome.

A bloke picks up a good looking woman in a night club. They move to the dance floor and start smooching. Now that he's close he can really smell her perfume.
"You smell really nice" he says.
"Oh, thank you", she replies. "Its Channel No 5".
"Mmm", she says "You smell pretty good too. What have you got on?"
"Actually", he replies "I've got a hard on, but I'm bloody surprised you can smell that!"

Ian Corrigible
23rd Apr 2006, 21:01
A judge asks a defendant to stand before the court and begins to address him. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

Suddenly a voice from the gallery calls out "You lying b*****d!"

"Silence in the court!" warns the judge. He then turns back to the defendant and continues, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurts out the spectator.

"Be quiet!" yells the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the heckler starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!"

The man in the audience stands up. "I've lived next to that lying b*****d for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a f*****g tool when I needed to borrow one...?!"



23rd Apr 2006, 21:48
What did St Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are ye alright back there?"

The real funniest jokes Ive heard are far too racist/sexist/un PC to post!

23rd Apr 2006, 22:09
Two parrots sitting on a perch.

"can you smell fish?" asks one.

23rd Apr 2006, 22:45
Fresh faced young man walks into a pub.. walks purposefully up to the bar and orders "8 pints of bitter my good man"....

Landlord pulls the beer and notices the young man has a shotgun over one shoulder, a sack of festering manure over the other and a kitten in his top pocket.

He is just about to ask the lad what all the gear is for as said lad downs his last pint dumps the sack of manure on the bar and proceeds to fire both barrels from the shotgun into said sack...... sh#t everywhere, smoke, broken glass, chaos.

Landlord is just about to remonstrate with young fella when the kitten is pulled from his pocket, kicked up the arse, squeels and runs around the bar pursued by the young fella... quick as a flash kitten and yuff disappear out the pub door.

A week later...

Same freshed face lad enters the pub again. Landlord grabs him over the bar and is just about to administer a sound bashing when the lad pleads for mercy...

"Please sir I was only doing my training!"

"Training" the landlord roars"What kind of training is that?"

"Why good sir I am training to be a Pilot!" replies the lad

"A pilot!? How can vandlism, muck spreading and kitten abuse have anything to do with being a pilot"asks he staggered landlord

"well sir my uncle Pontius is a pilot and he always goes on about how on a visit to the pub he always drinks like a fish, shoots the shit and then chases a little pussy and he has been flyingfor years!"

Sorry some times the old ones aren't the best!

24th Apr 2006, 00:47
What did St Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are ye alright back there?"

The real funniest jokes Ive heard are far too racist/sexist/un PC to post!

Two Sailors scrubbing the deck, one sas to the other "Wears the soap", the other says "Sure does"

24th Apr 2006, 01:32
How can you tell if a woman is wearing tights?

Her ankles swell when she farts


24th Apr 2006, 02:02
Viv Richards and Joel Garner were touring Oz with the Windies team in the early eighties. While crossing the Sydney Harbour Bridge they stopped for a leak. After a short while Viv turned and said "The waters cold!", Joel replied "It isn't very deep either!!":}

24th Apr 2006, 03:10
Two fellers on the golf course are teeing off and see a pair of women up ahead. First guy says to his mate,
"What say you nip along and ask those ladies if we could play through?"
So, off the guy goes, halfway he turns around and comes back.
"What's the problem?"
"You wouldn't believe it. One of them's my wife and the other's my mistress!"
"That's okay," says the first guy, "I'll go."
Halfway there he turns back. "It's a small world, isn't it?"

Standard Noise
24th Apr 2006, 03:23
A married couple decide they have to tighten their belts to save some cash.
The wife says, 'you spend 20 quid a week on beer, that has to stop.'
Bloke says, 'hang on a minute, you spend 30 quid a week on make up!'
Wife says, 'yes, but that's to make me look attractive.'
Bloke says, 'that's what the f**king beer was for!'
A young lad starts work in a chemist shop and he's a bit nervous. A woman comes in and asks for a packet of Tampax. The boy turns bright red, runs into the back room and says to the owner, 'there's a woman out there, and, and she's asking for some Tampax.'
The shop owner says, 'look son, this is a Chemist shop, people ask for that sort of product, go and serve her.' So the lad goes out and serves the lady.
A few weeks later, he's becoming more confident and the same lady walks in and asks for a packet of cotton wool. 'Oh,' says the lad, 'you rolling your own now?'

Bloke starts work in a general store but isn't too sure of what to do. The owner says, 'just watch what I do, you'll pick it up soon enough.'
A customer walks in and asks for a packet of grass seed and the owner says, 'certainly sir, that'll be 1.99 and a tenner for the lawnmower.'
'Sorry,' says the customer, 'I don't understand.'
'Well sir, once the grass grows, you'll need the mower to cut it. It's a tenner down and ten pounds a week for twelve weeks.'
'Brilliant,' says the customer, 'I'll take it.'
The bloke decides it's not that difficult after all and says he'll serve the next customer.
A man comes in and asks for a packet of Tampax.
'Certainly sir, that'll be 1.79 and a tenner for the lawnmower.'
'Sorry, says the man, 'I only asked for a packet of Tampax.'
'Yeah, but that's your weekend f**ked, may as well cut the grass!'

24th Apr 2006, 03:32
So ...

why don't blokes live as long as Sheilas

because they don't want to.

24th Apr 2006, 06:09
i was working in a nightclub and givin a crate of bottles to stack but i wasnt told where so i asked "where does disco":}

24th Apr 2006, 09:01
Guy goes into a pub and orders fourteen pints of beer . . .

. . . there they are, lined up on the bar, and the barman asks:

"Would you like a tray sir ?"

"Are you mad? I'm going to have enough trouble carrying this lot !!!"

24th Apr 2006, 09:41
Two monkeys sitting in a bath one says to the other (monkey voice) " oo oo ah ah oo oo ah ah"

The other replies " I told you it was hot"

Stoney X
24th Apr 2006, 10:11
Little Red Ridinghood is skipping along through the forest. She spots the wolf sitting by the side of the path, goes up to him and says "My! What big eyes you have!" He says "**** Off! I'm having a sh1t".

24th Apr 2006, 10:16
Prospector hits town after a year digging for gold in the desert. His first port of call is the hotel.

"Barman! I'll have 10 pints of Emu bitter please"

The barman looked a bit surprised but set up the 10 pints whereupon the prospector downed them one after the other.

"Jeez, I needed that", says the prospector. "Wha uvver beers yer got then?"

"Everything you see in front of you", says the barman.

"Great. I'll ave 12 schooners of VB den"

Barman sets them up as before and, again, the prospector knocks them all back one by one.

"Ffffeckin Ell", says the prospector "Zhat shurtainly hit the right schpot. Gizza 10 bottles a that Gwin...ginny....guin.....irish stout".

The barman takes the top off 10 bottles of Guiness and sets them up on the bar whereupon the prospector, slowing up a little, polishes the lot off.

The prospector leans across the bar, pulls the barman towards him and shouts confidentially in his ear, "D'you sell shorts in this hestablishment?"

"Yes sir. I told you. Everything you see in front of you"

"Gizza pair then", says the prospector, "I think I just pissed mine"

cessna l plate
24th Apr 2006, 13:58
A young fellow in the woods with a young lady was heard to say
" By God, I'm terribly sorry. I wouldn't have done that if I'd known you were a virgin!"

And she replied
"Well if i'd known you thought that I'd have taken my tights off"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - -

How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
500,000. Thats one to change the bulb, 250,000 to buy the replica shirt and 249,999 to claim they have supported the bulb all their lives

24th Apr 2006, 14:58
David Beckham decided to go horse riding. Although he had no previous
experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle. He begins to panic and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and is screaming and screaming for help!

Hearing her frantic screams, the Tesco security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

24th Apr 2006, 17:59
A man walks into a pub.

He's about to order a pint when a bowl of peanuts on the bar says, "Might I say you've chosen a very fine shirt, sir, it picks out the colour of your eyes beautifully.".

He's so astonished that he leaps backwards and bumps into the cigarette machine. The fag machine says, "What are you up to you great clumsy fop ?" or somesuch.

Desperately curious, he asks the barman what's going on as he's never seen talking peanuts or cigarette machines.

The barman says "Well sir, the peanuts are complimentary and the fag machine's out of order.".

24th Apr 2006, 20:21
Two Sailors scrubbing the deck, one sas to the other "Wears the soap", the other says "Sure does"
I thought that was supposed to be two Wrens??:confused:

24th Apr 2006, 20:36
I thought that was supposed to be two Wrens??:confused:

Probably being politically correct. Can't call them Wrens anymore.

24th Apr 2006, 20:56
A rabbit walks into the pub and orders a cheese toastie. Eats it and hops off.
Next night night he hops in and orders a ham and pineapple toastie. Eats it and hops off.
Third night he scampers in and orders a bacon toastie. Eats it and hops off.

On the forth night the ghost of the rabbit floats in, amazed, the barman asked 'what happened to you?'
Rabbit says, 'Mixing my toasties'.


25th Apr 2006, 09:01
What do you get if you cross George Formby with Eddie Murphy?

"Turned out nice again Mother F****r"

26th Apr 2006, 12:35
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be 9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the
week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.

" Yep! Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be 32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird
with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

No Further Requirements
26th Apr 2006, 13:08
Old bloke goes into the doctor's. Doc says "Well, I've got some bad news for you, you've got cancer and Alzheimers"
"Well," says the old boy, "At least I don't have cancer...."
Well, I liked it anyway - quick and punchy!

got caught
26th Apr 2006, 13:57
A Geordie, a Scot, and a Scouser are in a bar having a pint. In walks a chap with a beard and wearing a long robe.

"WhyI," says the Geordie, "I think its Jesus Christ, lets buy him a pint."

And so the lads club together and buy Jesus a pint.

Jesus downs the pint, and walks over th the Geordie, pats him on the back, and says, "thank you my son, that's the best pint I've had in a while."

"WhyI," says the Geordie, "I can't believe it, I've had lumbago for years, now its cured- a true miracle."

Jesus goes over to the Scot, thanks him , and shakes his hand.

"Och I," says the Scot, "I don't believe it, I've had Rheumatoid Arthritis for years, the pain and swelling have dissappeared- it's a miracle!"

Jesus walk over to the Scouser,

"Aye Lah," exclaims scouse, "get lost, I'm on DLA."

26th Apr 2006, 14:08
Three ladies have had a hard week in the office, so they decide that come friday night they will all go out for a heavy night on the tiles.
Friday night comes along and out the girls go, painting the town red.

Saturday comes around and they meet up for lunch to compare stories about the night before. It isnt long before each one starts talking up about how drunk they were the previous night.

The first girl hangs her head and says "I was so drunk last night when I got home i blew chunks for at least half an hour"

They contemplate this briefly before the second girl chips in "you got off lightly, I came home and thought it would be a great idea to take my boyfriends car out for a spin - and i cant even drive. He wasnt happy when it turned up this morning on the back of a lorry"

That sobers the conversation somewhat. Before the third girl pipes up.
" I got home feeling pretty randy. Managed to crawl my way up the stairs, light some candles, undress and pounce on my man. I was so drunk we were flailing about all over the place. We knocked over a couple of the candles and set the bedroom alight - we can move back in next week apparently"

The last two girls chat about this for a while before deciding that the night was exactly what they needed. The first girl, who had been silent for quite a while perks up just a little

"girls i dont think you understand..........

chunks is my dog" :}

26th Apr 2006, 14:17
sorry if you have heard it before

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna f*ckin' die."


26th Apr 2006, 14:34
Man walks into a bar and says "Barman, 5 shots of whiskey please". The barman asks "5 shots of whiskey? What are you celebrating?". The man replies "Well, today I've just had my first blowjob so I'm having 5 whiskeys". The barman agrees and says "Well, if today's your first blowjob then I'll buy you another whiskey on the house" to which the man answers "If 5 whiskeys don't get rid of the taste then I doubt 6 will".

26th Apr 2006, 15:08
What kind of key opens any door?

A Pikey:}