View Full Version : New US Hunting Regs

18th Apr 2006, 06:02
Found it in a 'Lounge' forum. Have they missed anything?

New Wildlife Regulations

As a result of the shooting incident in South Texas when a lawyer was
shot by the Vice President, a new set of Hunting Regulations Regarding
the Taking and Harvesting of Attorneys will be enforced by the Texas
Parks & Wildlife Commission.

**Sec 370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting
license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport
(non-commercial) purposes.

**Sec 370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.
The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

**Sec 370.03 Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health
department inspection for rabies and vermin.

**Sec 370.04 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in
reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead
attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should
proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

**Sec 370.05 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a
power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

**Sec 370.06 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or
"FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

**Sec 370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes or Porsche dealerships except on Wednesday afternoon.

**Sec 370.08 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or
brothels except on Saturday and Sunday.

**Sec 370.09 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary
to have a license to hunt, trap, bag, shoot or possess the same.
Use of any type killing device is legal including shotguns with the
choke removed, high powered rifles, handguns of any caliber, all types
and kinds of game traps and snares. Poisoning is prohibited because
of the danger to rattlesnakes, coyotes and skunks.

**Sec 370.10 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise such as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of
hunting attorneys.

**Sec 370.11 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4

Honest attorneys are protected under the Endangered Species Act and
can normally be identified because they do not wear Rolex watches, drive a
Porsche, BMW or other expensive luxury automobile or wear $500 shoes
and $1500 suits.

Solid Rust Twotter
18th Apr 2006, 06:57

Wouldn't try eating one, though. Poisonous little sods, they are. You do better licking a blowfish with a lollipop stick up it's bottom.

Romeo Delta
18th Apr 2006, 07:45
Those Bag and Possession Limits look a little low. New York, Florida, and California have a serious attorney infestation, with Texas and Washington state growing as well. Washington DC is overrun, almost to the point people can no longer live there without fear of the vermin.

I am hopeful that the limits will be raised forthwith, as I live in Florida and could use a mounted attorney in my living room.

Solid Rust Twotter
18th Apr 2006, 07:47
...I live in Florida and could use a mounted attorney in my living room.

Wouldn't it be more tasteful if they just held hands?:ooh:

green granite
18th Apr 2006, 07:58
as I live in Florida and could use a mounted attorney in my living room.

Is it just my mind? :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

18th Apr 2006, 08:23
:} :D :D ;) Hullo!
It took THREE before we found the inevitable level, gentlemen.
Well, that's that sketch knackered, then.


Like that feller and his bud from the South out huntin'. During the stalk he accidentally shoots his pal. Drags him all the way into town for treatment.
"Well, " says the doc, "I might have been able to save him if you hadn't skinned him and dressed him first". :rolleyes:

18th Apr 2006, 08:31
Brilliant, Rossco :ok:

If I take issue with any of it, it's with this restriction;

**Sec 370.05 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a
power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

Just thinking about the New Zealand experience with deer, they were a noxious pest, wreaking carnage on the ecology, without any natural predators. They were at home in their adopted environment, difficult to get at, impossible to control. The parallels with lawyers are striking.
But then! Along came the chopper hunters, the aerial cowboys of the modern New Zealand frontier. Armed first with rifles (mostly semi-auto .243s, accurate, good knockdown, high rate of fire, easy to hold still from a moving chopper), and then with netting guns, they first brought the pest under control, and then carried it home alive, domesticated it, and began to breed it for export and profit.

All possible because of helicopter hunting! And they neutered and ate the ones they didn't want :E

Solid Rust Twotter
18th Apr 2006, 09:47
Can't see why you'd want to domesticate and breed a lawyer except to be ground up as fertiliser to grow maize for the feeding of chooks.

19th Apr 2006, 11:19
they first brought the pest under control, and then carried it home alive, domesticated it, and began to breed it for export and profit.
"Export" - YES:ok: In UK we have a severe shortage of litageous, profit-sharing, ambulance-chasing lawyers. I've always been a bit jealous when I see the "lawyer ads" on US TV:eek:

(But then the Brits - with the possible exception of the Scots - are a bit less crazy about their hunting than the Septics. Coiuld be a problem if they escape and start breeding in the wild, with no natural predator)

19th Apr 2006, 13:43
I'm pleased to see there are no calibre restrictions for the taking of lawyers. Personally, I favour the 308 Winchester for lawyers at short range (below 400 yards) where it is quite effective. The Hornady 150gr Spire Point projectile does a good job on most lawyers. I have yet to hear of a lawyer hit solidly with one who ever came back to complain.

At longer ranges, the 300 Winchester Magnum really comes into its own with its ability to launch projectiles of 180grains or higher weights and achieve satisfactory terminal ballistics out to about 1000 yards. Really heavily-constructed lawyers may require the 338 Winchester Magnum, the heavier projectiles being especially suited to penetrating the immense beer-guts and paunches on these wily and dangerous organisms.

Beyond about 1000 yards, experienced lawyer-hunters will find the recently-introduced 416 Barrett cartridge and companion Model 99 rifle an excellent choice for clean one-shot kills. This is to be preferred over the 50BMG Barretts because the 416 has a better ballistic co-efficient and is inherently more accurate. Being a single-shot rifle, the essence of sportsmanship is retained, whilst the satisfaction of a long-range kill with the first shot is something to be savoured.

Lawyers in heavy concentrations may require the use of mortars or howitzers, provided these are ground-based and not attached to aircraft of any description there should be no problem with the niceties of the law. Extreme infestations (when lawyers breed up to plague proportions) may call for air-strikes, in which case the regulations will be waived for defence force personnel taking part in the cull.

Ah, a lawyer cull...now that's an intriguing prospect!

19th Apr 2006, 15:45
The ideal vehicle for the hunt:

Actually, this ship (Curtiss-Wright Junior) was used to hunt coyotes during the 1930's. :}