View Full Version : Good Friday Joke

13th Apr 2006, 21:23
Maybe Astrodome's had enough:confused:
I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had a good job.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse because of his policies.
I lost my job.
I lost my home.
I lost my health insurance.
I lost my two sons in that terrible War in Iraq.
As a matter of fact, I've lost virtually everything and become homeless.
Instead of getting some help, I only got arrested.
George W. Bush has to go!
We should do anything that Senators Kennedy, Clinton, and Kerry want to ensure that a Democrat is back in the White House with the next election.
Saddam Hussein

13th Apr 2006, 21:34
Jesus went into the hotel, put 3 nails on the counter and said "Can you put me up for the night?"


Buster Cherry
13th Apr 2006, 21:51
The manager of Liverpool FC sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home with only twenty minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for twenty minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me." "Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry?!?" says his Mum. "It's your f:mad: ing fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

13th Apr 2006, 22:01
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told
her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front
of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,"
she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was
surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband
when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.
Do you have hairs?"

"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked:

"Did you see ?"

"Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the f**king darts team hadn't!"

14th Apr 2006, 07:25
A kindly farmer willed his land to a rabbit, a buzzard and a turtle and had recently passed. The fields had not been cultivated in many years and it was decided that they needed fertilizer to start farming again. The only problem was the nearest feed store was hundreds of miles away.

The buzzard offered "I could fly there quickly, but I could not carry much"

The turtle replied "I can carry a fair amount, but it would take me too long to go that far"

The rabbit, being fast and hardy was the easy choice. The next day he set upon his journey with a small wagon in tow.

While the rabbit was away, oil was discovered on the farm and the turtle and buzzard were now rolling in money.

After months of struggle, the rabbit had finally returned, tired, beaten and worn out. He noticed that the farm was not the same. There was a large house where the farmhouse once stood. A Mercedes and a Rolls were parked in the drive. The rabbit rings the bell and a butler answers.

"Yes, how may I help you ?" asks the butler.

The rabbit demands "where's the turtle ?"

The butler replies "Oh, Master Turt-oole is out by the pool"

The rabbit asks "ok, where is the buzzard then ?"

The butler answers "Ahh, well Mister Buzz-ard is out in the yard"

The rabbit, now very irritated, tells the butler
"well tell them that Mr. Rabb-it is back with the Shii**"

Arm out the window
14th Apr 2006, 07:41
A couple from my primary school days (a f*ckin' long time ago):

Q. How many ears has Daniel Boone got?
A. Three - a left ear, a right ear and a wild front ear.

Q. Why did the man stick a meat pie on each of his ears?
A. Because he wanted to go on a Pie-on-ear tour.

14th Apr 2006, 09:16
Up until those two, Mr Arm, this was a Good Friday Joke thread.


14th Apr 2006, 09:33
Ready for some Chuck Norris facts?

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

-You ave the choice. Laugh your arse off, or not complain.

14th Apr 2006, 09:39
Tom goes into a confessional....'bless me father for i have sinned etc etc.'

Priest: Tell me yous sins son.
Tom: I took advantage of a local woman of easy virtue:
Priest: Tell me son what was her name?
Tom: I couldn't Father...I can't do that.
Priest: No matter..but tell me was it Sally O'Brien?
Tom: No it wasn't Father but I cant say who it was.
Priest: Ah I think I know anyway..was it Mary O'Connell?
Tom: It wasn't Father and I won't tell.
Priest: Well then was it possibly Lizzie Maguire?
Tom: Father it wasn't and I won't tell
Priest: I admire your convictions son...now go and say ten Hail Mary's and your sins are forgiven.

So Tom leaves the confession box and his pal Dave is sitting outside...
Dave: So what did you get?
Tom: 10 hail Mary's and three damn good leads.

14th Apr 2006, 10:05
The old priest is trying to show the new priest how to handle confessionals. After explaining the drill, he allows the younster to "sit in" for a while to get the hang of it.

Finally the day comes when the new lad is allowed to handle the confessions on his own and he manages to give out suitable pennances to a few sinners but is not sure how to handle aman who comes in to confess he's stolen a load of scotch.

Leaving the man to ponder his sin, the priest nips out for advice from his more experienced colleague, "What should I give for a case of stolen whiskey?", he asks, and the old priest replies "I usually offer twenty quid"

Arm out the window
14th Apr 2006, 10:07
Ouch! Cruel but fair, acbus!

14th Apr 2006, 10:46
Bit of plagiarism there I think Evil, you've just substituted the name 'Chuck Norris' for that of Tony Draper.

You won't get away with that round here.

Lon More
14th Apr 2006, 11:35
In extremely bad taste (http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1241)* not for the religious

* should fit in well here then

14th Apr 2006, 14:21
Tom, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Tom and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Tom says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, plummeting to his death. The blonde
was very upset and handed her $20 to Tom, saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money.
Tom replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump. The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Tom took the money.


14th Apr 2006, 22:24
The Institute of Senior Fertility has just announced the successful
application of their new Mac laptop software that identifies "hidden" and
"latent" fertility cycles in senior men and women. When the computer
"beeps" three times, the couple is able to concieve.

They proved this when a 103 year-old wife gave birth to a bouncing 7 lb.
baby boy. The doctor wrote a paper and published it in Lancet,
but when the peer review team came to verify it by seeing the baby, the parents said they couldn't show them the baby until it cried.

The Lancet wanted to know why they couldn't see it until it cried. The parents replied "We can't remember where we put it".

15th Apr 2006, 00:36

Roses are dead, violets are too,
I`m still in love but not with you.
You thought you hurt me, and made me cry,
But I was in love with another guy.
Simply because you have no class,
All you can do, is kiss my ass.
You thought you left me, but I left you,
What my man is doing, you can`t do.
You tell your homies you played me like a bitch,
And I tell my girls you have a little dick.
You said you loved me, but It was'nt true.
Well guess what Motha Fu**a
I played you too!