View Full Version : Mid-week Joke

5th Apr 2006, 15:29
Well not so much a joke but it made me titter missus! NSFW!



5th Apr 2006, 15:33
Made ME laugh the first time I saw it too.
Second, third and fourth times it's not that amusing. :(

Lon More
6th Apr 2006, 01:13
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: “Y' know sumptin', honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says,
Bell one, I want you to strip naked.
Bell two, you jump on de bed.
Bell tree’ we's gonna mek love all tru de night.

The next night, he came home and shouted,
Bell One’ and she stripped naked.
Bell Two’ and she jumped on the bed.
Bell Tree’ and they started to make love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, Bell Four!

“What de hell is Bell Four, woman? asked the astonished Jamaican.

She replied: “Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire!

7th Apr 2006, 15:56
Superman is flying over Metropolis and spots Wonder Woman lying naked in her garden with legs wide apart. "Boy I could do with a bit of that" said Superman, "I know, with Superspeed I could be in and out before she even knows what hit her"
Superman swoops down, does the deed and is away.
"What the F... was that" said Wonder Woman, "I don't know" said the Invisible Man " but my arse isn't half sore!!!"

7th Apr 2006, 16:23
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:
"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?'

7th Apr 2006, 20:07
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.
A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into the house. He slammed the door and shouted at the top of his lungs,
Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

His wife said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

Doesn't matter," he said. "Just get the hell out."


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X NO S T A C Z.
Can you read this?" the optician asked.

Read it?" the Polish guy replied, " ****,I know the guy."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to
them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They re going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know
you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with
you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the WhiteHouse. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How
about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude!
You're starting to
act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of
office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche'."

:E :ok:

Lon More
8th Apr 2006, 23:42
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Gordon said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"

Gordon said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon , with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge profit"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

And Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize.

So I gave him his £2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy

9th Apr 2006, 20:43
Gene Pitney's funeral directors have advised his family that it will take at least 3 weeks to make a coffin from teak or mahogany; but only 24 hours from Balsa