View Full Version : How to remove an unwelcome flatmate...

13th Mar 2006, 22:02
Due to overwhelming demand - thread restarted.

A fellow prooner (student) has a flatmate who is about as desirable as a bad case of the clap.

Trouble is, she doesn't know how to get rid of him.

Any suggestions?

(actually, he has just announced his imminent voluntary departure, but let's not let that get in the way of a good thread...)

Fg Off Max Stout
13th Mar 2006, 22:10
Two to the head from a Webley 357 and then feed him to pigs. No snags.

That is what you meant by 'get rid of him', isn't it?

tony draper
13th Mar 2006, 22:11
One would need further information before taking such a contract,frinstance would he be missed,? family,friends ect.

13th Mar 2006, 22:17
Trouble is, she doesn't know how to get rid of him.

Tell said flatmate you've got that dreaded Bird Flu, and it's clearly recognised in the Bird Flu manual, that close proximity to a Bird Flu carrier is not advisable..

You could, on the other hand, do a "Milosevic" --and poison him.:suspect:


13th Mar 2006, 22:28
Invite my son for a week-end, feed him beans, cabbage and leek. Nature will do the rest.:ooh:
Now, of course, the smell will drive out both flatmates, and flat will be unusable for a few weeks.
If it works, you can keep said son. :D

13th Mar 2006, 23:23
Feign madness. Do it gradually so as not to arouse his suspicions. Be subtle; the underpants on the head and pencils up the nostrils trick is old hat.

Begin by talking to yourself, then shouting and waving your arms around (make sure he knows you're not on a bluetooth headset or the point might be totally missed).

Make strange chants late at night behind a locked bedrom door. Enhance the effects by arranging for a few friends to "pass by" and shine torches into the windows while you're doing this.

Take up lighting candles around the place and leaving strange items such as small bones and feathers in circles, drawn around them in something looking suspiciously like blood. Put broken twigs under the grill and in the toilet. After about a week of the candles, make a point of being forgetful about leaving the gas on.

Then, eat muesli without milk whilst wearing sandals. That should do it.

That's what I normally do.

Except, to be honest, the muesli thing; I fake that. You'd really have to be mad to eat something made from the contents of the bottom of a hamster's cage and a bird feeder. :yuk:

Good luck, wibble :\

13th Mar 2006, 23:37
Do you know some Australians?
If not, can you find some?

While you're away, lend them your house key and stock the fridge with beer. Offer your place as a crash pad for the weekend. Job done. :ok:

14th Mar 2006, 00:02
Buy a copy of "Earl's Gotta Go" ("the missing person that nobody missed at all") by the Dixie Chicks. Act on it.

14th Mar 2006, 01:55
don't buy beer:E

Onan the Clumsy
14th Mar 2006, 02:47
She should offer to have sex with him. That usually makes men run for the hills.

14th Mar 2006, 03:00
Tell him she's pregnant:E

Solid Rust Twotter
14th Mar 2006, 05:52
Wait for a day that he's away in summer, flood his room with insect pheromones and chuck a brick through his window.

14th Mar 2006, 06:03
Tell said flatmate you've got that dreaded Bird Flu.....
Or repeatedly tell the same joke about the bear, the lion and the chicken.

Works on allan907. :E

She should offer to have sex with him. That usually makes men run for the hills.

Makes me run for their knickers.

On the other hand, her suggesting marriage.........:eek: :eek: :eek: Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun!

14th Mar 2006, 06:25
Tell him you don't like him and you'd appreciate it if he went and found somewhere else to live.

14th Mar 2006, 06:34
Just tell unloved flat mate that the Bruvvers n rocky are coming over for a chat:E

14th Mar 2006, 07:07
Two words...last one being OFF!


14th Mar 2006, 07:38
That's a tough one........especially since the option of a male/male situation- you could always tell 'im you're gay is not possible. :}

Does he have someone he hates - befriend them and invite them over alot.

Tell him you are madly in love with him and want to get married ?

How attached are you to your flat - have you fancied the idea of a better,newer,older, or just different flat ? - if so the answer would be easy - move !

All else fails, try NC43's idea - short, not too sweet and to the :mad: point.

Here in the states there are unfortunate laws in most states that makes roomie eviction just that - a drawn out legal nightmare.

14th Mar 2006, 08:06
Killing seems slightly drastic tho effective.
Poisoning,most are detected at Post Mortems so not such a good idea.
Is he allergic to any foods??Find out and deny all knowledge when you make him a meal.
Know any med students??Get some used bits and dump them on his bed.
Find a good make up artist and get superating sores on arms and face,tell him it's highly contagious.:ok:

Otherwise it's the Brothers.

Solid Rust Twotter
14th Mar 2006, 08:12
Couple of drops of phenol pthaline on his toothbrush every morning.

If nothing else it'll keep him on his toes...:E

14th Mar 2006, 08:16
"Prepare to repel boarders!"

"How do you repel boarders?"

"Stop changing the bedlinen!"

(Goon Show - Tales of Old Dartmoor - sorry, couldn't resist it):p

14th Mar 2006, 08:35
SRT's idea does work exceptionally well. In another life (chemist non pharmecutical variety) a particularly nasty vindictive supervisor got the treatment...make sure you have an adequate supply of toilet paper handy, otherwise...very messy!


14th Mar 2006, 08:42
Excellent nutcracker.

Care to share the secret formula?? :}

14th Mar 2006, 08:48
phenol pthaline

Doesn't that stuff even make you crap if you just get it on your skin?

Solid Rust Twotter
14th Mar 2006, 08:56
It's a reagent used to test pH. Odourless, tasteless and colourless (unless added to acids or bases). Couple of drops on the toothbrush is the most clandestine method of application. Straight down the throat is the most effective. One or two drops will do the trick. Anything more is an invitation for the poor bugger to crap himself to death...:eek:

Not certain about skin contact but a number of commercial pesticides are effective in that way. Union Carbide make some real horrors, Temic among them but you need a licence to work with the stuff.

14th Mar 2006, 09:08
From a former BCal hostie. Eye drops (Optrex) in drink = lotsa loo rolls.

From me. Chainsaw. (Do wear ear defenders, goggles, safety knickers, etc)

Solid Rust Twotter
14th Mar 2006, 09:17
Yer left off the hockey mask, Mr Gainesy....

14th Mar 2006, 09:24
This is turning me on. :uhoh:

14th Mar 2006, 11:43

We used to use it during titrations for identifying the neutral point...had a pH meter for measuring pH. However, the point of all this is that it was jolly jape at the time but I gather that it has recently been discovered to be carciogenic. Small doses apparently have no effect... please do take care!!!

However, the sight of Duppy (our supervisor) rushing to the loo with a tightly closed sphincter and a pained look still brings chuckles and tears to the eyes 42 years on


14th Mar 2006, 12:15
Where can you buy this stuff from?


Solid Rust Twotter
14th Mar 2006, 13:00
I don't think it's available over the counter but it is the primary ingredient in certain laxatives.

14th Mar 2006, 13:10
1. Put the rent up.

2. Tell him you'd like to formalise the arrangement and get him to sign a licence for the room, with a clause about keeping the place tidy.

Then when he breaks it a week later, toss him out, legal-like.

If that dunt work, then when he has a girl over, when he's spading her on the couch, smile at him and tell him how great last night was...

14th Mar 2006, 13:25
Buy some laxative chocolate, rewrap it in a 'genuine' wrapper, then leave it lying around . . .
Administering any chemical substance can be unlawful, but if they self-administer, that's not your fault, is it?

14th Mar 2006, 14:43
Have her engage in Tourette's Syndrome behaviour and become worse and worse over a week or so til he can't stand to be in the same room as her.:E:E

Ozzy ****** *****

14th Mar 2006, 14:50
As Roy Castle used to say:

Defenestration. Ooh ooh.
Defenestration. Ooh ooh.
De-fen-estration - that's what you need
If you wanna remove the pest
And get back your own nest
Ooh ooh, Defenestration's what ya need.

14th Mar 2006, 14:55
Just get her to start nagging him. It's working for thousands of relationships across the country as I write.

14th Mar 2006, 14:59
Don't think they put phenolphthalein in choccy laxatives anymore, used to be in Ex-lax, but that cancer thing came up. A shame as it was marvellous stuff, one has seen obnoxious people become totally crippled for several days by a good dose of that. Enterohepatic recirculation is popping into my head, what rubbish one remembers, but it means it was a real bugger to get rid of once you had taken it.

14th Mar 2006, 15:00
Let the dice decide

1. Let unwanted guest stay
2. Shave unwanted guest's head while they are drugged
3. Ask unwanted guest to marry you
4. Invite mother-in-law to stay to put things in perspective
5. Move house
6. Invite unwanted guest down the pub to discuss differences.


14th Mar 2006, 15:01
What if Anna's flat-mate doesn't give a sh1t?

14th Mar 2006, 15:02
Increase dietary fibre?????

14th Mar 2006, 15:26
Have a PPRuNe Bash in your flat.

If that doesn't convince him he is living with a psycho and needs to move out damn quick, then nothing will :}

14th Mar 2006, 16:06
I was on the bus back to the office in London after lunch a few years ago when I heard the two people sitting behind me talking. One was rubbishing his landlord/flatmate saying he was an effing this and so on. I worked out that I knew the landlord, quite well, and it was confirmed when more was said. Part of the complaint was that the landlord was forever asking him to pay his overdue rent (!).

Got back to the office, rang my mate the landlord and told him what I'd heard. All fitted together nicely, so he took the rest of the afternoon off, and stopped off on the way home for some black bin bags and a new lock cylinder.

Matey from the bus must have had a surprise as he walked up the path to find all his packing had been done for him :E

14th Mar 2006, 16:21
You should ALL BE ASHAMED!!!

Google - phenol pthaline

and see which website comes up first!!:}

14th Mar 2006, 16:27
Oh if only the flatmate knew the fun he was providing....I almost feel guilty...almost. :E

14th Mar 2006, 16:34
We seem to be at the point of Dire Need, or Needs Must when the Devil Drives. This thread will contain explicit references that may offend the sensitive and young children. Read on at your own risk. Parental guidance is mandatory. Timmcat touches above on the periphery of resolution.

Only on that premise do I offer the Final Solution, for which I draw on my experiences as Senior Medical Officer in one of Her Majesty's ships. My qualification for this appointment lay in my being allocated the bunk below which lay the medical chest.

My adventures in this trade must await a later publisher, but one is material here and now. Shortly after our being alongside at a port city, two of the matelots sought my advice on Funny Symptoms they had noticed in their Private Parts: what to do?

I had recourse to the chest and its manual a manual of surgery, junior executive branch officers, for the use of. My studies roused Suspicions, young and innocent though I was, on which I solicited a Second Opinion from the Captain, who had Sea Time and knew all things.

He diagnosed, as I had suspected -- I can no longer remain merely allusive --a sexually transmissible disease, and recommended, in fact ordered, the isolation ward. Forthwith, immediately and without delay, the patients were removed to the cable locker, where they remained with sentry at door (outer aspect) until our next visit to port facilities, where I, so to speak, washed my hands of the whole problem. My only contribution, really, had been to epidemiology and control of the spread of infection.

There we have it. The landlady/principal tenant might offer a vague comment about Funny Symptoms, ("Oh ........You KNOW what I mean ..... "), and a recommendation that the Unwanted One boil utensils, plates, etc., before use until further notice. Probably no need, really; No Cause for Alarm, and No Need to Panic, but We Can't be Too Careful, Can We?, and Best to be Sure!, Better Safe than Sorry!, and other platitudes. Oh, and Best to Keep the Seat Up.

The Other's departure will be prompt. If not, there is No Hope short of violence.

14th Mar 2006, 16:48
Google - phenol pthaline
and see which website comes up first!!:}

I did that before asking on here but nothing came up :ugh:


15th Mar 2006, 01:25
A trick I read in a Les Norton book I've always wanted to try. Remove the glass from a light bulb, attach a detonator to the exposed electrodes, attach plastic bag of dog shite, insert in light fitting. Ensure light is off before last bit, if you have been implementing this as you read it my sincere apologies.

When victim illuminates room he and all he possesses is coated.

15th Mar 2006, 01:32
I did that before asking on here but nothing came up :ugh:

15th Mar 2006, 06:55
Why don't you buy him a computer, chain it to the floor in a room you don't use and introduce him to :mad: Proon.

Sti-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-l......keeps us off the street, I suppose. :(

15th Mar 2006, 11:54

...and ubiquitos takes on a new meaning!


15th Mar 2006, 12:41
"No More Nails" the door shut, get some dry ice from the chem department, put said CO2 next to door so that the smoke seeps under and into unwelcome flatmates room, then shout "FIRE FIRE GERROUT EVERYONE OUT"

Or, the alternative. Have you ever seen Silence of the Lambs? watch that, then dig a pit. Make sure you have a poodle....


15th Mar 2006, 12:54
. . . and get in some nice Chianti :E :ok:

Solid Rust Twotter
15th Mar 2006, 13:01
Shave his head and superglue his palms to his scalp while he's passed out drunk.

Swear blind he came home that way when he wakes up....

15th Mar 2006, 13:15
Nah, superglue his hand round his willy.:E Should be a laugh explaining that in A & E.

15th Mar 2006, 17:25
SRT that's hilarious!!!

Now if Anna combines the suggestions of both SRT & Gainsey it would be a great laugh.

15th Mar 2006, 19:55
non-Ladies and non-gentlemen, I give you two words.

Body Odour.

Lots of it.

It'll do the job.

make sure your farts are long and lingering.

15th Mar 2006, 20:53
Don't nebber flat share.
It'll only end in tears and gunshots.
Tried it, once.
Bin bags, left in a nearby bin, not outside yout flat. Then deal with his belongings.


16th Mar 2006, 11:32
Itching powder (chillie powder would be good too) in the bed, just a touch mind you. tell him hes allergic to the flat and had better leave for his health. (add more chillie next time, until he goes.):E:E:E

back to the top. God we're an evil bunch :E:E

Solid Rust Twotter
16th Mar 2006, 11:50
Spirits of salt on the toilet seat. Use a protective cover yourself or you'll also be hopping around clawing at your bottom with a wild expression on your face.

16th Mar 2006, 12:24
9mm asprin would definitly do the trick!


16th Mar 2006, 12:27

Another idea: why don't you just take a copy of this particular thread, for your friend, of course, and simply leave it lying around where h/she could view it.

LOL, for us anyway.


16th Mar 2006, 21:47
Now that's an idea, of course you would have to print it out in foot high letters and paste it around the flat. He is so monumentally cretinous (isn't that a great word?) that he had never heard of Boris Johnson, who was only running for rector of the university said flatmate attends.:rolleyes: :hmm:

16th Mar 2006, 23:52
You lot .. are ... insane! :uhoh:

Whatever happened to talking to people? Tell your flat mate to **** off!

No need to be covert about it. Just say, "**** off out of my flat, I hate your guts ..." etc.

No need for this chemistry crap. That's just downright evil. Slightly scary as well ...

17th Mar 2006, 07:25

See # 17...


17th Mar 2006, 13:06
Now Willows you are of course assuming that the flatmate ever listens toanything that is ever said to him. On the subject of him needing to make his mind up whether he was staying or going his response was, yeah whatever.:confused: :eek:

He is a moron and the only way to get through to him is with a baseball bat.

Solid Rust Twotter
17th Mar 2006, 13:09
No need for this chemistry crap. That's just downright evil. Slightly scary as well ...

But sooooo satisfying...:E

simon brown
17th Mar 2006, 13:25
The "Im putting the house on the market" ruse usually works.

Leave lots of photo copies of details of properties in the area for sale, taken from various estate agents web sites...

Get a mate they dont know to come round with a clip board wearing a suit and get them to talk total bollox in a condescending patronising im upper class-and-your-not-sort of manner.

That will convince them that the person is indeed an estate agent and will look for alternative accommodation

...or triple the rent