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4PON4PIN
10th Mar 2006, 16:11
Brunettes will like this!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. This week I received a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me. . . . .that "in one year the windows would pay for themselves."
There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't heard back from him since.:D

Lon More
10th Mar 2006, 17:17
2 star hotel rejected slogans…

16. We're working on that smell thing, too.

15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14. As seen on "COPS"

13. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets

12. Not just for nooners anymore.

11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

10. You rented the room, now buy the video.

9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but would you have money left over for a hooker?

8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!

6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*

5. It's Hookerriffic!

4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins

3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother

1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"

BDiONU
10th Mar 2006, 19:41
Maybe sailing too close to the wind here but they amused me :}

http://www.henryk-broder.de/tagebuch/karikaturisten.html

BD
Don't tell them your name Pike

Jerricho
10th Mar 2006, 21:05
Very funny :ok:

Astro, I hope you're Ok mate.

SirPeterHardingsLovechild
10th Mar 2006, 21:28
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Speedpig
10th Mar 2006, 21:36
Laughed 'til the tears ran down my trouser leg.

Outlook
10th Mar 2006, 21:46
A Lion, Snake and a Chicken are in a France, arguing over who is the scariest:

The Lion says "When I roar the whole jungle shakes"

The Snake says "All I need to do is slither about and people for miles run away"

The Chicken says "I just need cough and the whole world starts panicking!"


Or how about the recently discovered cure for Bird flu:

http://img108.imageshack.us/img108/2811/birdflu0tk.jpg

djk
10th Mar 2006, 22:58
nteresting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope Died


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament

4. Pope Died

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry ... please warn the
Pope!!

Arm out the window
10th Mar 2006, 23:45
In the olden days of explorers sailing around the world on voyages of discovery, one particular ship had been away for months, and the crew were feeling the need to relieve their sexual urges. A young sailor on his first voyage asked one of the old hands what was the usual way of 'attending to one's needs'.
'Just go down to the aft end of the hold' replied the older man. 'There you'll find some holes in the side of the ship - just pick one that's the right size and away you go!'
This seemed a bit distasteful to the young bloke, but after a while he couldn't wait any longer, and took the trip down the hold.
As he was doing what he had to do, he heard a noise beside him, and was amazed to see Rover, the ship's dog, humping away at one of the knotholes too. Of course he was surprised, but carried on anyway until he was satisfied and the product of his exertions floated away on the waves. The ship sailed on.
Not far away was an island, upon which was built a convent. The sisters lived a simple life, growing their food, collecting water from the streams and making candles from the fat of goats and seawater. Although they were pious, observant servants of the lord, sometimes late at night certain urges would become too strong to resist, and many was the time that the candles proved perfect for providing comfort and pleasure.
A few months after the ship had passed by, the Mother Superior got a knock at her door. It was Sister Maria.
'Mother, something terrible has happened. I am pregnant!'
'Don't be ridiculous, Sister! There are no men for a thousand miles. Now go away and stop being so silly!'
A while later, another knock at the door, another nun with the same story. Again, the Mother Superior sent her away angrily.
A little while later there was yet another knock. Another nun entered.
'Mother, I am sorry, but I must tell you ... I am pregnant!'
Mother Superior jumps up from her chair.
'You're pregnant ... well I'm having pups!'



Boom Boom

acbus1
11th Mar 2006, 06:49
Don't let alan907 see that one, Outlook.

http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?t=215632

:}

allan907
11th Mar 2006, 07:37
Saw it. Inwardly groaned. Then thought that I couldn't be arsed to do anything about it.

acbus1
11th Mar 2006, 09:06
It really is a pandemic! :eek:

ANZAC
11th Mar 2006, 09:27
OK, this is is priceless. I read the joke, called my Wife over (who is Blonde) and said "Read this, it is mildly amusing" after reading the above, her comment..."I don't get it? Why is that funny?" :} I looove blondes!!:E

vapilot2004
11th Mar 2006, 09:36
Thank you for that Outlook ! - can't wait to share :}


A guy goes parachuting for the first time. They get to altitude, and he jumps.
Pulls the ripcord.. .1 2. 3. nothing happens.

Pulls the emergency ripcord . . 1 .. 2.. 3 ... nothing happens. - C r a P ! Down he goes hurtling towards earth. All of a sudden, he sees a guy coming straight UP.

As loud as he can our guy yells 'HEY, do you know anything about parachutes ?'

to which the guy replies...................











'NO - do you know anything about gas hot water heaters ?'

Binoculars
11th Mar 2006, 10:14
Well, I wasn't going to say anything either, but....

http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2350414&highlight=hear+coming#post2350414 :hmm:

Mind you, it's quite possible I wasn't the first person in the world to tell it either.

Ali Barber
11th Mar 2006, 11:08
I read recently that the Pit Bull is one of the most vicious and savage dogs there are. Once it has its jaws sunk into you there is only one way to make it let go - stick your finger firmly up its arse!












But, what if that's why it bit you in the first place?:ok:

colmac747
11th Mar 2006, 12:02
A 70 year old bloke hires a hit man to kill his wife. The hitman says the best way is to shoot her below the left nipple, the bloke shouts back, I want her killed not fecking kneecapped!
-----------------------------------------------

Reebok are making ladies lycra shorts called 'mumbles' they are called that because they are so tight you can see the lips moving but can tell what the angel delight is saying

Kalium Chloride
11th Mar 2006, 16:41
Interesting Year 1981

4. Pope Died




Except that no Pope died in 1981. Pope Paul VI died in 1978, was succeeded the same year by Pope John Paul I, who also died in 1978, and was in turn succeeded by Pope John Paul II who didn't die until 2005. Was shot in 1981 though.

Outlook
12th Mar 2006, 18:53
Thanks acbus1.... I did miss that.

At the risk of upseting Allan907 here is another one which I dont belive has been posted before on pprune... (throws down a challenge);

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish .But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

Hew Jaz
13th Mar 2006, 00:48
nteresting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope Died


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament

4. Pope Died

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry ... please warn the
Pope!!





Erm, would this be Pope John Paul II, who "died" in 1981, (having survived an assassination attempt), and was presumably resurrected in some form, and then died AGAIN in 2005.

What a guy.

Even more impressive than Charlie boy marrying a horse.......

Windy Militant
13th Mar 2006, 10:50
Even more impressive than Charlie boy marrying a horse.......

Blimey that's where Shergar went!:}

UniFoxOs
13th Mar 2006, 17:33
A Pilot, sitting at the bar in Philadelphia, looks at his watch several
times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running
late?" "No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it"

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"

The Pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be
broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about
an hour and a half fast, can I buy you a drink?"