View Full Version : Goodness gracious, great - thingies!

Farmer 1
3rd Mar 2006, 08:27
It happened in Denmark:

A patient broke wind while having surgery and set fire to his genitals. The 30-year-old man was having a mole removed from his bottom with an electric knife when his attack of flatulence was ignited by a spark. His genitals, which were soaked in surgical spirits, caught fire. The man, who is suing the hospital, said, “When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell. Besides the pain, I can’t have sex with my wife.” Surgeons at the hospital in Kjellerups said, “It was an unfortunate accident.”

Flying Farmer
3rd Mar 2006, 09:02
Thems got sharp claws has Moles :} could they not coax it out with a worm or suchlike.

3rd Mar 2006, 09:17
Sounds like they smoked it out instead! :\

All together now......Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! Awww!

3rd Mar 2006, 10:34
his genitals, which were soaked in surgical spirits

If thats anything like aftershave lotion - his balls were on fire anyway.

Putting Brut on the Brute to impress the girls is something you only ever do once :{ :{ :eek: :mad: :{

Cee of Gee
3rd Mar 2006, 10:42
Wow, that deserves an award of some sort. Steady hand eh!

3rd Mar 2006, 11:24
Reminds me of a friend of a friend many years ago.

He thought he'd caught VD from a girl.

So he splashed his tackle with aftershave in an attempt at self healing!


3rd Mar 2006, 11:32
Surgical spirit? That is a liquid fire and needs to be smothered quickly. Pity he did'nt follow through as that would have minimised the injuries.

3rd Mar 2006, 12:07
This is an old story... and infact very true. :hmm:

I come from a village outside of Kjellerup, luckily my only brush with the surgeons on Kjellerup Hospital was when I broke my arm as a kid.
And I am quite sure that the procedure at that time, did not include setting fire to my tackle... :ok:

Soundtrack for this thread ? may I suggest Johnny Cash, Ring of Fire...

Farmer 1
3rd Mar 2006, 12:25
Soundtrack for this thread ? may I suggest Johnny Cash, Ring of Fire...

I suspect your age is telling, ChukT, but the clue is in the title.

3rd Mar 2006, 14:12
I also considered the Bloodhound Gang - Fire Water Burn...

So... how old am I ?? ( dirtyfive is the answer :E )

3rd Mar 2006, 14:39
Besides the pain, I can’t have sex with my wife

"However, I think I could with that hot nurse over there!"

Farmer 1
3rd Mar 2006, 15:52
I also considered the Bloodhound Gang - Fire Water Burn...
So... how old am I ?? ( dirtyfive is the answer :E )

I was right, then.

Bloodhound Gang? I suspect my age is telling.

3rd Mar 2006, 16:02
It happened in Denmark:
His genitals, which were soaked in surgical spirits, caught fire.

Farmer, you do not need the spark. That apart, you and Kolibear are dead right. I feel a duty to warn my fellow man.

Women are not to read this posting. Ladies, I trust you on this.

In this country, in the summer, gas stations sell little pads, a few inches square and a half inch or so thick, made on one side of soap-impregnated rubber foam, and on the other of a sand-paper-like substance. They are for cleaning dead bugs from the windshield.

A similar product is used in hospitals. If, let us say, they plan an angiogram or angioplasty on – and this is important – YOU, you should know what happens. They will insert a catheter in an artery in the groin and poke it up to the heart or wherever they have fixed their fell attention. This is like threading a cord into pyjamas.

Before they start there is PREPARATION. This is a euphemism for, essentially, a preternatural attention to and manipulation of all you hold dearest. In the old days it used to be done by a nurse or an “orderly”. Some of the latter seemed to like that kind of work. It takes all kinds.

Nowadays, to cut costs I suppose, it is DIY. They give you a razor, a bar or whatever of antiseptic soap, and one of these here pads. Go, they say, and shave the groin area, and having shaved, scrub the whole area with the said soap, and then take the said pad. Scrub and scrub with the sandpaper side to get rid of dead surface skin, and then scrub and scrub with the soapy side. Off you go, now! Yes Ma'am.

It all sounds reasonable and as civilised as one can expect in an intimate procedure. Off indeed you go, obedient and trying to ingratiate yourself with them, and the first time this happens to you, you do what they say.

Carefully, of course; especially with the razor. No one is watching. Then you scrub. Thoroughly. First the sandpaper. Gotta get ridda that dead skin. Then the rubber foam. Then the antiseptic soap bar. Soon you are, as they say, squeaky clean. In fact, pink.

Back you report to the dragon i/c (Dragon? Does that ring a bell here?); she summons minions; the minions wheel you to the OR. You are of course quite conscious, trying to affect an insouciant elan and curiosity in events.

For one thing, they told you there is no risk to this at all, not really, none at all, but Hey! on the off-chance that “something goes wrong” they have a surgeon standing by to “take over”. And they do, too. Right there. They introduce you. Dr X, this is Mr Davaar. How do you do? Mr Davaar, this is Dr X. How do you do?

Inside the OR it is jolly, joshing around, tossing and neatly fielding little canvas-wrapped tool-kits of scalpels, files, saws, gimlets, and the like. One vouchsafes the information that he is hungry. You suggest sending out for Chinese. The Great One looks down at you resentfully. He is the resident comic here, not you. You Okay? Sure.

Next thing some ruthless b*st*rd takes a whitewash brush, dips it in a pail, and sweeps it to and fro all around the tum, your tum, and the family jewels, your family jewels. It is a fluid. An icy icy icy cold fluid. Dear Heaven! you think, I hope they really do know what they are about.

That phase is brief, for soon the whole essence of your being is consumed by the fire they have lit. On you. THERE. It is beyond description, and it lasts, it seems, for ever. The sceptics on the “Convince Me” thread should try it. The Burning Fiery Furnace is no theological abstraction. It is real. Hell is here. Here and now. Maybe more like purgatory, because eventually it does subside, but the memory lingers forever. Your trust in humanity has been shattered.

What do you learn from this? I can tell you. Next time you have an angiogram or angioplasty you creep into the bathroom, and you noisily swish the water around the bath. You use the razor. Sure. That much is mandatory. You wet the antiseptic soap. You wet the pad and squeeze out the soap. That is all. You do nothing more. Then you hand the pad back to them, and you lie. Remember, you are not on oath.

Loose rivets
3rd Mar 2006, 16:43
Surgeon questioned about having a fag during mole removing operation. It was later agreed, that if he did not use his Zippo, they would turn a blind nose to it.

Farmer 1
3rd Mar 2006, 16:47

That is just about the most painful read I have ever read. However, be thankful for small mercies, however minute they may be:

You say, Next thing some ruthless b*st*rd takes a whitewash brush Imagine what it would have been like with a wire brush.

Thank you for your advice. It is etched in my memory.

3rd Mar 2006, 17:08
Had the same preliminary procedure instructed before my 'thoracotomy' for lung surgery, although in my case the disguised sensitive bits were the underarms "All under-arm hair must GO." Chest hair too, but it was the scraping under-arms that did the damage. WHY do women do it? :confused:

MY internal exploratory procedures were via endoscopes. They attempt to explain what they're going to do, but I say 'just get on with it - I don't want to be there' but they NEED your co-operation! They administer a Valium-based drug intra-venously and, apparently you are fully conscious throughout, before falling into a deep sleep, after which - zilch - no memory of what went on. On one occasion I related all to my wife (about the op) before falling asleep, then woke up and denied it!

3rd Mar 2006, 19:02
MY internal exploratory procedures were via endoscopes. They attempt to explain what they're going to do, but I say 'just get on with it

Inded, Yes! G-CPTN. You know whereof you speak We have led equally charmed lives. I have an endoscopy annually, last one two weeks or so ago. By now I am quite blasé about them.

The very first was done by a doctor from the Subcontinent, a doppelgänger for Peter Sellers in “The Party”. I sank into that God-given unconsciousness that you recall so fondly aware only of a receding Voice from Afar: “Oh Goordness me! I carn’t find svitch for ting”.

Then he had the gall to lose the report, so they had to do it again a week or two later.

I think I'll write a guide-book to hospitals.

3rd Mar 2006, 19:28
Davaar has warned his fellow man. Let me warn my fellow women: Should you develop a sinister and painful lump, about the size of half a golfball, just under your right breast, do not be afraid to take it to the GP. For verily, you will know it is just an infected cyst, but ye gods, it hurts.. And when the GP -- who being of the breasted species should know better -- announces that she will experimentally stick a scalpel in it, which "shouldn't hurt much", let her. You will lie there, unable to see what is going on, unless you have the good fortune to be built like Kate Moss, for although your breasts are (probably) made of breast not silicone, they refuse entirely to crawl into your armpits... Then Gladys the Impaler will mumble something about "juzzlittleprick.." (a phrase you are conditioned to discount) and raw agony will explode everywhere from your guggle to your zatch. Hang in, I say, for you are about to be rewarded by a yelping sound from the nurse, and the sight of Glad the Impaler staggering backwards, face spattered in green pus.

And I say unto you women, it now hurts even more. But it is good.

Solid Rust Twotter
3rd Mar 2006, 21:09
Got this overwhelming urge for a rare beef and mustard on granary all of a sardine.....:confused:

Capn Notarious
3rd Mar 2006, 23:50
Steady Mr Twotter steady,you can only have three of your four choices. Which will you forgo?

Farmer 1
4th Mar 2006, 08:24

That was obviously a great load off your mind, and elsewhere.

I'm very happy for you.

4th Mar 2006, 10:23
Thankyou, Farmer1. In fact it turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg. But we won't go there.