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SoundBarrier
2nd Mar 2006, 17:52
OK, OK, OK, I just wanted to post this while you there in 'sunny' England were still doing Thursday, it's Friday here and I'm happy.

So...erm... A joke I s'pose, ney a wee bit of humerous prose about ones friendships me thinks...

When you are sad,.............
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue,..........
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile,............
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared,.........
I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried,.........
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused,........
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick.........
Stay away from me until your well again, I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall......
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...............
I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?........
Because you're my friend.

Good Friday it is!:ok:

SoundBarrier
2nd Mar 2006, 17:58
I'm on a roll, now invest carefully this year!

Stock Market Investment tips for 2006

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

jet_noseover
2nd Mar 2006, 18:01
A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

Lon More
2nd Mar 2006, 19:07
Sound Barrier; I heard rumours that Commercial Union and the National Trust are thinking of joining together. They'd definitely have something every man wants

SoundBarrier
2nd Mar 2006, 19:09
Lon, :} , Brilliant. We need a smiley with a crying, but smiling face we do.

Edited for spelling correction.

G-CPTN
2nd Mar 2006, 19:40
Sound Barrier; I heard rumours that Commercial Union and the National Trust are thinking of joining together. They'd definitely have something every man wants

The University of Northumbria at Newcastle upon Tyne WAS originally proposed as City University, Newcastle on Tyne.

Saintsman
2nd Mar 2006, 19:44
The University of Northumbria at Newcastle upon Tyne WAS originally proposed as City University, Newcastle on Tyne.


Cunot?? :confused:

Hobo
2nd Mar 2006, 20:07
What about the proposed merger in the 70's of Cunard and Aer lingus -CunAerlingus.

Then there was the proposed combined remake of the two films "Blow Up" and "The Italian Job" it was going to be called "Up the Italians"..........er....no, that can't be right.

frostbite
2nd Mar 2006, 21:33
A little old English lady is driving an open top convertible in the US.

As she is driving at only 15mph for miles, a cop pulls her over and, as he walks up to the car, notices her three rear seat passengers all rigidly staring forwards, apparently oblivious of their surroundings.

He asks the driver about her speed and she explains she is simply keeping to the posted speed limit. "That's not the limit Ma'am, that's the highway number", he explains.

"Thank you so much Officer" says the old lady, preparing to drive off. The cop salutes smartly and says, gesturing to her passengers, "What's wrong with them?"

"Oh, they've been like that since Highway 146", she replies.

1DC
2nd Mar 2006, 22:59
Elderly couple in Church on sunday morning.
Halfway through she leans over and whispers,
"I just let go a long silent one, should I do anything about it?"

He replies,"Yeah, put a new battery in your hearing aid."

chiglet
3rd Mar 2006, 00:42
What food puts women off sex?






















































Wedding Cake :E

watp,iktch

JonB_The_Ace
3rd Mar 2006, 01:36
Read this a few years ago and kept the newspaper clip:

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told th clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too !" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the Hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny - I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent ours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?". I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday............

Tolsti
3rd Mar 2006, 08:31
My wife left me...
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw 45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

MagnusP
3rd Mar 2006, 08:53
American, French and African women on a plane about to crash.
American woman starts to apply makeup, saying "Rescuers will save a beautiful woman first".
French woman opens blouse and bra, saying "Rescuers will save a woman with beautiful breasts first".
African woman removes panties, saying "I bet the first thing they look for is the black box". :E

Hat, coat, door; I know the drill.

bar fly
3rd Mar 2006, 11:42
At Heathrow Terminal 3 Car Park yesterday, an individual, later identified as a public School teacher, was arrested after trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.

Authorities beleive he is a member of the notorious Al Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

The SSK
3rd Mar 2006, 12:01
http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d43/TheSSK/Penrith.jpg

Windy Militant
3rd Mar 2006, 13:09
Politically incorrect but there's only one thing to say to that
Come On Traaaain! ;)

QNIM
3rd Mar 2006, 13:24
Gday
Where the hell is Penrith that sounds to good to be true.
Cheers Q

G-CPTN
3rd Mar 2006, 13:31
West Coast Mainline just south of Carlisle (also near Carnforth - site of Brief Encounter http://home.clara.net/gw0hqd/ )

NOT to be confused with http://www.penrithonline.com.au/visitor/aboutTheArea/Default.asp

Lon More
3rd Mar 2006, 13:40
In Penrith she'd probably say, "Baaaaa" afterwards.:}

bar fly
3rd Mar 2006, 13:57
Might catch a train up there on 20th March actually.

Lon More
3rd Mar 2006, 14:05
Bar Fly - in that case she'll probably say, "Baaaaar."

Mr Lexx
3rd Mar 2006, 15:03
one for the upside-downs..!

Aussie Ghost Story - don't read if you have a weak heart.This happened
a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night
was rolling on and not a car went by. The storm was so strong he could
hardly see more than a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car that looked
like bini slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car
and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and
the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the
road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for
his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel and the car slowly went round the curve.

Paralysed with terror, Joh watched how the hand appeared every time they
came to a bend. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering
strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila.

He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went
through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and
wasn't drunk.

About 2 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.

They were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the ****** idiot that got in the car while we
were pushing it."

Mr Lexx
3rd Mar 2006, 15:04
The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the
Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right
Wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the
Papal Climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed
flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope.
"You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of th Catholic
Church.".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be
financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after
lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million
dollars.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost
You?"
Two million dollars" replied the Pope.
TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you
Coming."

Mr Lexx
3rd Mar 2006, 15:05
Tax Inspector meets Rabbi
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit
the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to
the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do
with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a
free box of bread - wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know - it - all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
f***skins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
all the f***skins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."

Mr Lexx
3rd Mar 2006, 15:06
A new British Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert, during his first inspection of his new outfit,
he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

The Captain replied, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain started having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stood on the ladder, pulled his pants down and had wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he was done, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir...they usually just ride the camel into town...where the women are."


Right, I promise I will stop now....

Mr Lexx
3rd Mar 2006, 15:40
sorry, me again.....


A bear , a lion and a chicken sitting talking about who is the hardest. The Bear said when I roar the whole forest trembles, the lion says when I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear, the chicken says all I have to do is cough and the whole f*****g world sh**s itself!

djk
3rd Mar 2006, 15:46
There were these two deaf blokes sat in a pub one day. One turns to the other and says "Nnduu wann a drinnk?"

The other one says "Nyes pleeeth. A pinn off biiiee pleeth".

So the first one goes up to the bar and orders 2 pints of beer. Whilst waiting he says to the barman "I thawt yew were suppothed ntoo haath thum muthic mplayinnn?"

The barman replies "Well, we have sir!"

The deaf bloke says "Well I cannnt nyeer id. What ith it? Ith it wock n woll?"

The barman says "No, it's not rock 'n roll".

"Ith it evvy myetal?"

"No, it's not heavy metal", says the barman.

"Oh, wight. It muth be djaz then?" says the deaf bloke.

"No, no, it's not jazz sir".

"Ith it punk wok?"

"No, it's not punk rock".

"Eathy lithnin?"

"No, sir, it's not easy listening".

"Well, what ith it then", says the, rather confused, deaf bloke.

"It's just some Country and Western sir".

"Oh, wight", says the deaf bloke, a little surprised, who collects the two pints of beer and takes him to his mate. When he gets to the table his mate turns to him and says

"Ear, I thought they were suppothed to be mplayinn thum muthic".

The first one replies, "Well, they are!"

The second deaf bloke says "Well I cannnt nyeer id. What ith it? Ith it wock n woll?"

The first one says "No, ith not wock n woll".

"Ith it evvy myetal?"

"No, ith not evvy myetal", says the first.

"Oh, wight. It muth be djaz then?" says the second deaf bloke.

"No, no, ith not djaz".

"Ith it punk wok?"

"No, ih not punk wok".

"Eethy lithinin?"

"No, no, ith not eethy lithinin".

"Well, ith it then", says the second deaf bloke.

"Apparantly, ith thum ncunt from Prethton".

colmac747
3rd Mar 2006, 15:58
LOL:ok:



:E

Tolsti
3rd Mar 2006, 15:59
The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Kylie or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.Kylie came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Kylie I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Kylie replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t."

Lon More
3rd Mar 2006, 16:01
Mr. Lexx, that can't be true as the Pope always keeps his underpants on in the bath or shower because he hates to look down on the unemployed

djk
3rd Mar 2006, 16:06
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when
He notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire engine," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.
The fire-fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell
you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right,
but then I wouldn't have a siren."

colmac747
3rd Mar 2006, 17:21
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared
to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small genitals.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All for me?"
"Just take two," she replied. "The rest are for your father."

Mudfoot
3rd Mar 2006, 17:54
An elderly Rabbi invites a friend to his office to discuss the world's problems, when the friend notices a jar in the corner of a cabinet.

"What's in the jar, Abraham?"

"Oh, that's the foreskins from the circumcisions I've done throughout my career."

"Why do you keep them? What good are they?"

The Rabbi thinks for a moment, "Well, I could make something out of them, I suppose, but what?"

The friend says, "Why not make me a wallet? I bet you could."

"You're right, I make a beautiful wallet for you, my good friend!"

Two months later, the Rabbi calls his friend in to pick up the wallet.

The friend is awestruck at the close work, the sheer beauty of the product. "It's absolutely the most handsome wallet I've ever seen! How can I repay you?"

The Rabbi Says, "Well, you could pay me $300 for it..."

"Three hundred dollar? For a wallet? What do I want with a three hundred dollar wallet?

The Rabbi grins, "This is a very special wallet - when you stroke it vigorously it becomes a suitcase...":oh:

Grins all around!

BelfastChild
3rd Mar 2006, 18:37
A young girl with a cold went to her GP to get some antibiotics. After taking a history he pulled out his stethoscope to listen to her chest.
"Big breaths", he said
"Yeth", replied the girl, "and I'm only thixteen"

Evening Star
3rd Mar 2006, 19:04
The University of Northumbria at Newcastle upon Tyne WAS originally proposed as City University, Newcastle on Tyne

Can confirm the truth in that. Even better was the staff newsletter (not only do I wish I kept that edition, but these days I cannot find it in the University Library archive ... how sad that I looked :ooh: ) explaining why we were not going to be 'City University' because of, ahem, "objections from another City University". This was a tremendous disappointment to those earthly souls amongst my colleagues who had already worked out some 'interesting' marketing slogans perfectly designed to appeal to the average potential undergraduate (even if they would not meet with parental or guardian of public morality approval :E ). My favourite was 'Come to ' ... well, I am sure you can work out the rest. Having adopted the title 'University of Northumbria at Newcastle', there followed for a few weeks a lively correspondance in the staff newsletter as to whether 'UNN' could be confused with 'Onan'. Finally, the editors, more noted for the party line then humour, realised what we were up to and refused to accept any more letters on the subject ;) :hmm: .

Mr Lexx
3rd Mar 2006, 20:45
Evening Star

Just worked out what your CT means! very nice!:p